She Has Me Cornered

Hate is not a strong enough word to describe my feelings for her. I am ultimately disgusted by her.
My mom is the biggest trigger that sets me into wanting to cut/kill myself.
Growing up she was always working and I never really built much of a meaningful relationship with her. She is emotionally closed off and refuses to listen. She believes her way is always the right way and that her opinion is much higher over anyone elses and believes it is fact. She will use the things you've done against you and is snide about it, arrogant.
My mom argues with my feelings when I try to tell her what she does that upsets me and becomes extremely defensive, denying the things shes said, done, or how she's reacted to my anxiety and depression. Sometimes she claims that my feelings do not exist simply because she believes she does absolutely nothing wrong. She won't even consider that no matter what she thinks, how highly she thinks of herself, what she does makes me unbelievably angry, hurt or leaves me feeling suicidal.
She tries to isolate me and my sister and when we are around friends or boyfriends she will become angry with us over things that would not bother her had we not had company. She will act like I am acting out of the norm, even claiming I act stupid around other people. She only brings this opinion to light in front of the people I am with.
Mom provides for me but emotionally she hasn't been there. She has never taught me any morals or values. I have them, yes, but they were not taught to me by her.
She is very judgemental and critical. She likes to gain up on people behind their backs, my dad and me being two of them. She is not knowledgeable with anxiety and depression or any other mental/emotional illness and has made no attempt to learn about them despite having a husband and daughter with mental and emotional disorders. She knows little to nothing about them but still finds it okay to judge people who have them.
She does not compromise, what she says and decides is what will happen.
If you make a mistake it will be held against you forever. For example, when I was younger I used to take her makeup or change, like a lot of little kids do. Now. YEARS later, everytime something of hers goes missing she blames me.
She is not very nice to me and says things to me that hurt my feelings.
I feel an overwhelming urge to self harm when I am home with her. I want to kill myself. I feel trapped and like my voice will never be heard, let alone believed. If I make it to 18 she will be, for the most part, cut out of my life. However, that's a few years away, I can't even stand an hour with her. I don't see the likelihood of me not killing myself as a good one.
My mom is the reason I want to die.
EmmyL EmmyL
18-21, F
Jan 7, 2013