And I Feel Guilty

I know she can't help it sometimes, she's had a hard life and she feels like she's alone. But...Trying to help her deal with her myriad issues is only driving me slowly crazy and not doing much for her at all.
She's OCD, has anxiety and depression. I think it all started after I was born. Since then she's been on a downward spiral. She was thin and pretty and smart in high school. In her heart of hearts she's a good person but her outward self destructive behavior is ruining more than one life. She takes too much of her medication to numb herself. When she runs out before the month is over, she gets someone to drive her to the ER to get more or she takes WAY to many sleeping pills. She just wants to sleep, smoke cigarettes and that's about it. I know she's in pain but she's hurting her family as well.
She's always abused her pills. I remember her driving to the college where my dad worked all the time to get more because he had to take them to work with him to try to control them. Her OCD manifests in a lot of ways but she has this obsession with buying useless things. She would call my dad at work a million times a day to tell him to bring stuff home from the store. Our refrigerator was always full to the brim with mostly rotting food. When it got too frustrating and my dad refused her, she would call family members or neighbors and ask to borrow money, which my dad would end up having to pay back. She was insistent about these things we didn't really need. There were constant arguments about her spending and her pills. She spent so much money on useless ****, my dad started taking money from work to pay our bills. Then he got fired, then they declared bankruptcy, then they got divorced. Then the **** really hit the fan.
We had a bad relationship all through my high school years. The house would be a mess all the time and she'd be just laying around all day. It was embarassing to bring people home. She'd then go on cleaning sprees and throw anything away that was in her path regardless of what it was. She threw away a lot jewelery that my (still now) boyfriend bought me. We fought all the time. She is the most frustrating person on earth to have an argument with. You feel like you are having two completely separate conversations and she's not even attempting to understand your point. She brings things up that happened years ago and aren't relevant. She says things like "I'm your mother, you can't tell me what to do", or she just completely shuts down.

After the divorce (my dad waited until my younger brother was out of school), she lived off alimony and worked at Arby's. I would go over to her house and it would be a mess, she'd have all this uneaten food and she'd just buy stuff at the dollar store for no reason. She wrote checks when she knew she had no money in the bank. It got to the point where everyone in the town knew her and she couldn't get a bank account or write checks anywhere. She wouldn't pay her bills. She allowed bad people to take advantage of her. She eventually moved into a different place. Her friends convinced her to adopt a pregnant cat, which she wasn't allowed to have. I now have all three of those cats. Best thing that ever came from my mom. She continued to **** up her life in all kinds of ways.

Fast forward to now. She moved in with her mother who is currently 92. They've always fought like cats and dogs. No different now. What is different is the degree with which she's spiral ling out of control. In the past year she has lost her job for stealing, she's taken my grams old credit cards and charged hundreds of dollars. She stole checks from her check book and writes them to herself. She took too many pills and passed out and dinner, scared my gram to death and ended up in the ER totally zonked. When she came around the next day, the doctor told her she needed to go to rehab. She flipped out and ripped the iv out and left against medical orders.
She wants for nothing. My old as dirt grandma cooks all her meals, washes her clothes, buys her things she needs like shoes and a coat, does everything. My mom stole a ring that my dead grandpa bought for her that had the birthstones of all her children and grandchildren and pawned it. My grandma says she loved that ring more than her engagement ring.
My grandparents were the kind of people who did everything right, worked their ***** off, came from nothing and lived comfortably. She has a good pension from his job as a professor. She's too old to be living with this in her final years.
My mom called the police on my grandma twice now. The most recent time was because, my grandma, knowing what happens when my mom has any money, was keeping a retirement check from my mom. She called the police to get it back.
My mom has also recently given an old man sexual favors for money. She has food, a house, clothes, everything she needs. When i asked her why she needed money so bad that she would do something like that, she couldn't even remember why. She LIES, oh she lies. So many lies, lies, lies. I can't stand a liar or a thief.
my grandma keeps kicking my mom out for various reasons and then panicking about what my mom's doing and taking her back. No one knows what to do when my grandma dies.  No one can see themselves taking her in the way she is now.  If she would steal from her own mother, she would steal from me.  I can't live like that, with her in my house, having to take inventory of every little thing all the time.  I can't live with her lies or her refusal to take responsibility for any of this horrible stuff she's done.  She'll do these things and the next day it will be like nothing happened.  She can provoke me to the point where i want to drive my car into an embankment and then call me the next day and ask if i can go buy her a pack of cigarettes.  did you forget the horrible fight we had and the horrible way you treated me yesterday?  She refuses my help.  Anyone who is dumb enough to help her, she latches onto like a leach and sucks all the pity, money, and cigarettes she can from them.  She has no friends anymore.  All those bridges burned down.  Her family knows she's toxic and won't answer her phone calls.  Anger. Guilt. Frustration. Hopelessness.  These are the only things I feel towards her anymore.
violetdoll violetdoll
26-30, F
Jan 10, 2013