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WHAT Is Wrong With Her?

i don't HATE her ... but ... i really dislike her and that is embarrassing ... i'm ashamed not only of her but how i feel about her.

she's a victim.  she's always played the victim.  she's good at it.

she's an emotional vampire.

she takes advantage of people and then has the audacity to complain it's not enough.

she gripes about how poor she is but she spends her money on the cheapest, most stupid purchases she doesn't need nor does anyone else.  yet she's quite generous with this sh!t.

she was the youngest of 3 and the only female.  her brothers have both told me she's always been this way and probably always will be.

i've always been the adult and mother in our relationship ... yes, even when i was a small child.

you never know what to expect from her.  one day she's so sweet you gag on the sugar she's exuding.  the next day you're choking on the bitterness she radiates.

she might not make contact with me for a few weeks.  she might call me everyday, several times per day.  she never really has anything of substance to share.

she's not a very brilliant woman ... at all! 

she's passive-aggressive and it's frustrating beyond belief.

she's the queen of emotional terrorism.

she loves to twist your words and turn them against you.

she loves to call your sibling and 'report' you for your offenses against her.

she's well beyond irresponsible.

she annoys me beyond words.  she nauseates me.

she's my mother ...

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal 31-35, F 90 Responses May 28, 2007

Your Response


Oh my god, it's all the things I say or feel about my mother! She's mentally ill and get victim mentally comes with the illness.
My whole childhood all I heard was her saying how she was the little red hen.
Today I'm at her house, I already am over it, trying to fix her tiller.
It seems that every time I go to her house to work on something she says she needs done in her passive aggressive way......she then freaks out at me when I come out to do the work.

That'sexactly how my mom is she llovesto spoil me when people are around but behind closed doors she's a monster.I used to really love her but the moreshe hurts me the less i do.

Dear Abby, when I read what you wrote it actually made me smile: you were describing my mum! The truth in my situation is that my mother is just an abuser, and she just does not know what it means to love and care for other people. Well, she thinks she loves her family, but she really does not get the concept. My dad has been waiting for 45 years for her to change and he is now at the end of the rope. I have distanced myself from her as much as possible. I keep it brief, decent, and reasonable. BUT I do not deal with her "needs" and "victimization". Neither does my sister. Please remember that who she is does not define who you are. Hang in there, you are not alone!

emotional that word. anyway, i'm glad i have minimised contact with my mother in the past 5 years. she doesn't even have a clue why i want to live so far away from home and only visit once a year. she too loves to 'report' me to anyone who listens. when i was 20, she used to tell everyone, sighing, that daughters were useless. once on her birthday, i bought her a cake, her reaction was abnormal, she became furious and kept scolding (because then she couldn't tell people what a victim she was, how nasty her children were to her). my brother used to be her golden child and she rejoiced when he first moved in back with her, but it didn't take long for her to start calling him 'useless' almost everyday, in front of him and others. she has an illness for sure. there was a time she couldn't stop texting and calling her children (even left lengthy messages). thank god i lived far away and simply changed my number. she's very needy and clingy. she doesn't have close friends and tried to destroy my friendships all the time, sad to say successfully. she would nag about my friend all the time, what's wrong with her, etc, and she did this for many years. when she was still in my life, it was impossible for me to have relationships with anyone else, cause she's so emotionally draining. i really don't see the point of her living and i wish her die soon, she's 70 and that's old enough. when i started my first full-time job, she ridiculed my being able to make my own money and complained i had my life easy. the truth is, she was upset she never made her own money in her life ever. no one takes her seriously these days. even my sis-in-law secretly wishes for her passing away. she mocked me for thinking that i could be successful in this life, saying women were not born for leadership, but to raise kids and serve her husband. yep, that's how pathetic she is. the funny thing is, she despised her own mother, saying she's stupid, uneducated, while i think her mother was more agreeable, certainly dressed much better, not like her, she's always dressed poorly, like a maid. in her mother's final days, she couldn't even be bothered to take care of her, giving excuses that somebody else already did. what a useless child! that's right, she's a child. i think that everyone's life will be better without her, finally we can move on. unfortunately, even though she's totally useless, she's very healthy. i often wonder how my dad could put up with someone like this in his life. now i realise why he only comes home to sleep and when he's home, pretending to fall asleep on the couch. she's a truly selfish woman. when my arm was fractured, she pretended not to see it and continued with her daily routine. she often cried, wailed, manipulated people with her emotional turmoil. but now everyone is so fed up with her and wish her dead, that she learns how to behave. i almost believe she tries to poison me a little coz it's just strange everytime i take a trip home, i would always be in ill health. she's very scared now that she'll be put in a home should her husband leave before her. the reality strikes her, and she tries to be nicer to everyone, so that we'll have mercy on her and not put her away. it'll be easier for everyone if she just dies before my father. no one wants to take care of her. she's a handful.

My mother is so aggravating she is always the victim and loves to torture me in any tiny way she can, I'm so done with this.

This is just like my mother...exept fr the bit when you ritten she sometimes nice. Myn is always bitter snd beats me with a stick...or sometimes she kicks me...punches me...calls me a ***** and thretens to kick me out the house.

You hit the nail on the head. I have separated myself by not calling her for 3-4 wks at the time, but the whole time I am worried to death about her. She learned how to make us feel so guilty. The guilt actually causes me to have chest pain.

Sounds exactly like mine, but I unfortunately still live with her.

Same with me

SAME, well only until the end of august. then thankfully I move away for college.

I know i am so excited to go to college where my controlling mom can't control me anymore

My so called mother is so selfish and self centered it is disgusting to say the least! I know she did not want me even though she was married to my father? If he is indeed my father? She made a point to make sure she told me everyday of her life how horrible my birth was and how much she would rather DIE than have another child! Then she proceeded to tell me and my brother, who is 11 yrs older than me, how much she hates our father and what hell she was in all her life and she drug us through hell to prove it! She constantly took me away when I was a child and would hide me from my father just to torment him, she even had him locked up once, said he threatened her, I told him if I had been him I would have knocked the hell out of her and left the ***** on the floor or worse! Then after my brother was old enough she destroyed every relationship he ever had, until he got fed up FINALLY! then she tried to do the same to me, she destroyed my first marriage, she is a selfish, unhappy *****! All she ever cared about was MEN! She wanted MEN to notice her and be all into her, she is UGLY inside and OUT and now that she is OLD she still thinks men want her old, UGLY, HAG ***, it is embarrassing and DISGUSTING! She is a pathetic human being but she will Answer to GOD one day so I'm done with that HAG! She put me and my entire family through HELL and I hope she meets her's one day and have to answer for all she has done, because she blames everyone and anything but herself for what SHE has done!

I dont want to hurt your feelings wen I say this but your mum is a bi*** can put her in a old home when she's old...tht way shes gonna know

I am so happy to see this feed, I do not feel alone anymore! Thank You all for helping me feel so NOT alone anymore.

That just summed up story of my life! I'm turning 22 next month and I've had a huge, LOUD argument with my mom right now (which is frequent). I'm so disturbed right now.Thats how I reached this place. Another reason I'm here is because I don't have many friends and the ones that I have don't have arguments with their moms like me?! And by talking about my mom I don't wanna lose the few friends that I made?! About myself I wanna say that I'm a really fun person, laugh a lot, in the past I could make friends really easily (i.e; 5-6 years back) but now I've turned all shy, quite and can't communicate with anybody without stuttering. I try really hard to be normal. There's a lot on my mind all the time. I've never spoken or written about it until now. I'm so tired of being strong & showing everyone that I am! So, hence I'm writing about it. Thanks all of you for giving me enough strength. I actually feel puckish while writing but I just wanna do this!
I just got diagnosed with a killer, serious health problem & spent 2 months in hospital fighting for my life. Stress plays an important part in my problem & I cant afford to take it. I have always been told by my mom that I'm ugly, fat, stupid & what not. I'm being decent while "not" saying the words actually! Sometimes I feel my mom's sick & she needs my love but then she tests my patience all the time and she thinks I do the same to her. I'll write down in points whatever comes to my mind:
1. I used to be brilliant student, actually a topper but now I'm an average. I had a lot going on my mind when I was in grade 12, hence I barely passed grade 12. At that point I thought I had completely lost it and thought of myself as the dumbest person in the world who couldn't do one thing right. On top of that I was given all the blame for not doing good. I had lost all the capability of studying right before my exams and scored 60% as my final score. By the way I'm constantly given blame for this performance of mine, like still! My mom says that she saved my *** my not letting my relatives know about my percentage. Honestly I never cared about what my relatives think about me, not at that time, not even now! Actually, she felt ashamed of me and wanted to save her *** in her relatives!
2. I never told anybody about this but I was beaten up really badly by my mom a couple of months before grade 12 exams. The situation is as follows: She was being really nice to me that morning and dressing me up in a dress she stitched for herself but couldn't fit in and so she shortened the dress and made me wear it and I looked good in it. Then she goes, you have a really hairy face and I told her lets do waxing on it (ps: my mom doesn't have any body hair but her genes didn't pass on to me so I am extremely hairy. Anyways, my point is she never had to do anything at all about her hairless body, leave alone waxing! She doesn't understand my hair problems. Never did she want to waste money on my waxing. And because I'm hairy and didn't do anything about them when I was younger, I have turned out to be a person with low self esteem. Atleast this is one of the reasons! ) Anyways, moving on she lights a matchstick and blows the fire off and tries burn my facial hair with the heat of the blown off matchstick! I get scared and lightly push her back and start crying. She in return tells me to remove her dress that she just technically "renovated" for me and I tell her I'll give it later but she just goes crazy and rips my clothes off. I push her again to stop her in self defense but she starts slapping and punching me while I stand there "naked" trying to save myself but then she brings steel rod from somewhere and beat me with it until it breaks. As I'm bleeding, I'm trying to save myself but in vain! I called my dad to stop her but she doesn't stop. Myy dad was sitting in a meeting and couldn't say much . She stops after a while after beating and abusing me and tells me that she'll send me to wherever the hell and goes to sleep. I on the other hand sit in the other room scared after gathering something to drape with, covering my wounds and crying helplessly not knowing what to do. In the evening she wakes up and realizes that she did wrong but unto the day never admits that she was wrong in beating me. Instead she says, you deserved it! Anyways she wakes up and says sorry once, kisses my wounds casually so that this incident doesn't go out and tells me thatn I left her with no other option?! Also I wanna say that it was not the first time I ever got beaten by her but this is one beating that I will probably never forget ( even if I want to!)
Its actually been too late and now am even tired of bitching about her. Though I've so much more to say. And pardon all the spelling error I made. I'm actually exhausted. Although, not many of you must have read it but those of you who did, I really appreciate it. Take care!

Wow! I'd venture a guess that your mother either has a drug/drinking problem or, at some time in her life, had a severe trauma - some kind of abuse. That's neither here nor there. The best thing you can do is work as hard as you can to move out of her house. I'm so sorry for your experience with her. You must be a good person with a big heart. After telling of such a horrible experience you wrote "Take care!". I like that.

Just curious but I noticed that you wrote, "by talking about my mom I don't wanna lose the few friends that I made". This is something I've never understood about people. Please enlighten me. I have a question for anyone reading this. Why are people so put off when you express feelings of resentment or pain from being abused, especially when it's your mother? It seems like they either feel they have the right to abuse you as well or they really dislike you because you've disowned your mother. I don't get it. I had a friend who had an abusive mother and I supported her as much as I could. Why do people act like they hate others who go through abuse? Why do they not want to be involved with them anymore? It seems to me that a good friend would be there for support and comfort. Why do people shun others who suffered so much? Someone please answer this question for me. I'm having a difficult time understanding this reaction.

I have it bad but your mom is worse. Actually reading your story makes me want to cry. I would give you big hug if we ever meet in person.

Wow you just described my mother at least she never told you she ruined your life while looking you in the eye because you were trying to give her directions then still blames you and says that i need to learn how to treadlt people but besides that and then birth order you hit it dead on

im not sure about all of you,but maybe your mothers just feel cmfotable being themselves in ytour presesence.and mothers always feel the need to correct their children its a hard habbit to break,theve done it your whole lives,its hard to go from mother to friends,to let go,unless its downright abuse,try to understand,i cant live with my mother {im 48 by the way}because in her presence she is the boss,i just accept that, however shes not mean or cruel to me,honest yea,i just grin and bare it,mothers and grown children is a very difficult thing,me and my daughter cant be together for to very long i have to watch what i say,and if she says something i dont like well its time to get away from eachother,thats just how it goes,but we love each other,

"She annoys me beyond words. she nauseates me." If it's that bad, break ties. I know it's a horrible thing to say, but you're already in your thirties, and the tone of your story makes it sound like it lasted for many years, decades even. She's not going to change. And you don't need that kind of stress in your life.

My mother is the same way, I feel your pain. She still cant let me go and I am 22 living on my own. I let her stay at my place, and she ******* about my room not being 100% clean, or the dishes being put away, or about me not helping my 26 year old sister (who lives off of me) more!! I support her with a home and food!! The emotional bull is draining, and she is slowly killing my father and yet he wont leave. It is painful to watch. Nothing I have ever done in my life was good enough.

I hope you can mend your relationship somehow. But if not, than sooner or later, you'll have to say the two words you probably never wanted to say to a parent - "Get out". You have set off to build your own life, away from your childhood home. As my father always says: "you're under my roof, you do as I say. In your home, I'll do what you say". Lay down some ground rules, and if your mother can't accept that, than maybe it would be best if you parted ways.

that is my mom also! i am so frustrated i could scream and i have no one to talk to about this. the worst part is my dad witnesses my mother's behavior towards me and hangs his head and says nothing bc he is afraid of speaking against her. she plays us against each other. its ridiculous, and no one else sees it bc she is incredibly fake around people outside of us. so i end up looking like the bad guy. i am so afraid of exploding on her and ending up having no one on my side bc she is good at being the victim and making me look like i did something wrong. twisting my words or screaming over me when i talk. everyday...everyday...i am currently looking for my own place but its slow going...i dont know how to deal with this

You are not alone, I too hate the ***** that supposedly gave me life. I don't even call her mother any more. I know your feeling. One year ago, she told my husband and daughter that she lives her life as if I was deceased. It hurts ! But later I realized that she did me a favor. I now don't have to deal with her, cause I dead to her!

I had NO clue that anyone else on the face of the earth could have a Mom like mine. Every single way! And even though I know what she's doing, somehow it penetrates me and I STILL feel guilty WHILE I'm hating her!!!!!

OMG!!! You are my long lost sister! This is mine too, except mine is never sugary sweet and she's Asian....

Wow this thread is long, but I had to chip in and say I feel the same way. I feel guilty for feeling that way against my own mother, but I've got to the point where I don't want to spend any time with her. She is controlling, negative, never wrong and runs my family down. She says how hateful my father is when he gets irritated with her and expects me to listen to it all and explain why he's like that. I try and change the subject now and I've told her I'm sick of listening to it and if it's that bad she should just leave. She used to make comments about my appearance and my weight and it used to upset me a lot. If I got upset I was told I was too sensitive. Is it ok to poke fun and criticise someone these days??? If I ever got angry I was told I was a horrible person and if I ever cried I was a baby. Nothing is ever good enough. I don't even think she's happy for me when good things happen to me. I got fed up of taking it all last year and threatened to cut her off and she miraculously came around. I'm still close to it though. I don't need that amount of control and overbearing judgment pushing down on me. I beat myself up enough without having a control freak of a mother doing it.

I know exactly how you feel, sounds identical to my mother as well.

Thank you for sharing this. I feel much the same when it comes to my mother. However, at this point in my life I am realizing that forgiveness is key if I want to move on. Not sure how to forgive yet though.


Save yourself- she will never give you what a daughter deserves and you will only get further hurt.

And I don't mean it in a nice way eaither

My mother is very similar. She uses guilt to get what she wants. She is always the victim. I'm married, have two preteens and work full time. Yet I'm expected to entertain her and be her friend. I dont have time for myself after work, running to and from kids activities, and tending to my home. And she gets angry. I have an unemployed 23yr old brother that lives with her...but he cant be bothered...way too busy spending her money and playing video games. She says I'm her only friend and she's pushed all her friends away. Her happiness is in my hands...her words. Too much pressure I feel like vanishing..

lease try to get away- this pressure and guilt will eat you alive

I would tell her very straight forward, "You're going to be very disappointed if I am responsible for YOUR happiness".

they don't hear those truths- somehow you will still be blamed and responsible

When I was a teen my mother always compared me to other kids, always pointing out my flaws. Mother recently revealed the story of how she cut school, smoke, having boyfriends and she dropped out of school. yet she thinks she's an angel but doesn't go to church. she manipulates all her children and they are too scared to put her in her place. I am the only one that does and that makes me the bad daughter for pointing out she's wrong.

I too am a bad daughter and she is in utter disbelief that she bears any responsibility for how I feel or for the long term damage she has done

My mother is in her mid 60's now. It has only gotten worse as time goes by. She is a hoarder, a con artist, a user, a narcissist, a hypochonriac and a bottomless pit of issues. I could write a book about having to deal with her. I don't know if anyone has ever heard of the expression called, "De-fooing", but it's "de Family of Origin ing". In other words, completely writing off someone that is a member of you family of origin, or in some cases, the whole family. I am very close. Very, very close.

I have- and I wroter her a letter telling her why- she showed it to everyone in our lives and told my husband she had to to justify why she has nothing to do WITH ME!

That's nothing but a defense mechanism. Denial. Whatever you want to call it.

PLUS- she told people what I wrote were lies. Why would I send, to her personally," lies" only she & I know about- My husband and therapist said that anyone reading it would think she's an *** because that letter was for her only-everyone reading it will know it's true. Now she's starting on my kids- they barely tolerate her

I'll tell you Babz, I don't know your age or life situation, but I am 45 and due to BIG upcoming changes in my life, all for the better, I am at a point of cutting out all nonsense and bs from my life. The older I get, the more I realize I am responsible for every aspect of my life. Every. The sooner people accept that fact, the more happiness and satisfaction they create for their life. I have had to learn this the hard way that by having strings attached to others behavior and decisions that manipulated my happiness depending on how those strings were pulled. That makes you a slave to someone else. I have seen it in my profession, health care; people refuse to take care of themselves and get educated on health and stop depending on the BUSINESS of health care to save them. Everywhere you look, there is choice to captain your own ship.

i'm 50- married - 5 kids, a lawyer-i still hear that's it's my fault for all this-i try to cut out the bs- i really try- but conditioning runs deep- God bless on your great changes

2 More Responses

Sounds like my mum... though she'll get my brothers and sisters to join in as well, calling me unreliable and useless and all that...

I have the same personality typed mom. Except mine's is worse. you would'nt believe her. she's a fricking idior. first she thinks I'm 5 years old and she has to wake me up like 6 in the morning and she doesn't understand English. Well she doesn't listen to anybody talk and she's a *****. she takes away my stuff just becvause she's bipolat anmd does whatever she wants and shes a control freak. she thinks im still a three year old and shes a selfish ***** who doesn't know how I think of her. Shes a idiot and a stupid ******. omg. you think punishing me will make me not know your ******* secretS? no. it wont. thats because you're ******* stupd.

I know how you feel. You shouldn't feel ashamed of how you feel.
It's her fault..that may be harsh..but it's the truth. She should have been the adult in your relationship and given you all the things you needed from a mother. So that you could have looked up to her and loved her more than anything. I have a story in this group to though, ha. So I do know what it's like to have a mother you're ashamed to be born from. I hope that you'll be able to move on and not let her have any more control over your feelings.

I went to law school to please her- (I never wanted to be a lawyer- and have hated it for 25 years) She walked out of my Law School graduation because it was too humid and wrecking her hair. I got the damn degree (foolishly) thinking NOW- she will love me. She thinks I make a big deal out of nothing. That's just one example of 1000's of neglect, abuse, and contempt I have had at her hands

Sounds like both my mother and sister.

My mom is the same. Oh and yes, she thinks she is above the intelligence of every other human being around her but never has anything of substance to report during calls, mostly about how she is being mistreated at work, life has been unfaire to her, or I havent given her enough time and attention, when SHE feels like it, bc just like yours weeks could go by when she's totally uninterested in my life. OH and the silly purchases thing really got me too! LOL my mom purchased 5 coolers totalling $150 last time we had a storm, so she would be "prepared" Well we are on east coast and just went thru that hurricane Sandy... she literally lives 2 mins driving and 8 mins walking distance from a 7-11 and a grocery store- yet never went to get ice! THEN had the nerve to keep me on the phone for an hour crying and complaining that all her food had spoiled bc the power went out! When I reminded her of the coolers, and she could have got ice She angrily yelled that she was alone and "terrified" of going out to buy the ice, and she cant believe that no one would come to her aide. Especially me, with my dumper car and newborn and toddler, I should have drove out in the storm, brought her ice and saved the day. She calls my aunt to report how little I care for her, and that she will be old and poor and eating cat food and scraps bc no one loves her enough to come help her. Uggghhhhhh

She is a controlling tyrant who cares only for herself and any body from the amen corner to justify what she do. As far as your sibling go tell her to shut her gap

I don't think we HAVE to love our parents, father or mother........we just do..its not something we have control over........there are expections of course but for the most part.....we just love them....some of us don't want would be less painful if we didn't love them! I am 53 years old and after raising 2 children, and just recently watching my 3rd grandchild come into this world and seeing the reaction of my mother........I have finally given up on the chance of any real relationship between her and I. My got she is almost 80 and I have spent a lifetime trying to make things different. So I guess I say, I love my mother but I don't like per personality or twisted perspective on life at all!!

I understand. You don't like her but you kind of have to love her. It sucks that we have no say in our parents. We're about the same age so let me confirm for you what you probably already know: Your mom is never going to change. You could spend the rest of your life hoping she will or trying to get her to, but it's not worth the effort. in my case, i know that i'll never be good enough for my mother or be able to give her enough, but at the end of the day, i know i'm good enough for myself and that's what matters. we'll never be close, and even if she were open to it, she doesn't deserve that level of friendship from me. and if i opened myself to her like that, she would just reach in and destroy what self esteem i have left, because she can. being able to tolerate her is what made it possible for me to endure my marriage and then ultimately be able to leave and get divorced. i'm still not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

This is precisely what I have telling myself for decades. At this age if she hasn't changed she never will. It's so depressing knowing this fact. Everything I've ever done pleased her for two seconds then it's right back to pointing out my faults. Using physical discipline to the point where it's not discipline anymore, it's just a "whipping". The fact my future was determined by how I was treated as a kid to a teen ultimately put me in my current predicament. Back with her and my passive father.

My mum plays the victim card soo much..she does some cleaning then sleeps the rest of the day because she got so tired from it and I'm so bad because I don't clean 24/7 and don't take her to the doctor every week for her imaginary illnesses..when shes going to her friends then shes perfectly fine..such a whiny annoying person who will call me from upstairs to pass her something that's right next to her..she doesn't help me when I'm ill she just ignores me..she sweet as pie only when she wants something in return..she is the stress in my life and I can't wait to escape the madness...

That is exactly how my mom is!!!!! It's so annoying when she tries to play innocent and that she's always right when she knows she did something wrong. And she never apologizes. One time she was 1 hour late and I was like ur rly late and she made and excuse trying to be the victim like u said. She was like ohh there was a long line. I know exactly how you feel. One time she kicked me out of the house. Why don't you try running from home or sleep over at a friends house for a few days without telling your mom and just leaving?? after you fight or she annoys you. Then she''ll regret doing those things to you.

I thought you were writing about my mother!! My mother is manipulative and evil. Nothing is ever her fault. I really sadly wish she were not around anymore. Sad, but true. There is no self-regulation or learning from her mistakes since she thinks that she is perfect!! Have to keep my daughter away from her!! She will manipulate her too!!!

the same here

My mother is similiar. Duplictious, manipulative and feigning the sweet helpless little old lady act. As children she abused us and yet her friends are nasty and berate us!<br />
Thank you for sharing your story. It is good to know that I am not alone. It's difficult to let go of the anger and resentment. I hope to one day escape her toxic cloud. I hope you do. Good luck.

This sounds like my mom too. I've definitely been the mother for a long time. Does your mother THINK they are the smartest person on the planet even though she may be dull? I feel better seeing that there is someone else who feels the same way, I always feel alone when I think about how I feel about my Mom.

You seem really angry.

İm 18 and have over spent half of my life being my mothers tharapist, she will be happy one min. Angry the next... She never rakes blame and when she does shes having a break down type thing and she freaks and says everything is her fault. She thinks everything only effects her... Doesnt see how it affects me and my brother :|

Wow girl, are you me?? My mom is the same...youngest of three..the only girl. She is an emotional leech! Constantly playing the tragic victim of some sad drama that is her life. Its always oh woe is me. She never has anything nice to say about anyone!!!! I found out from friends that work with her that she even bashes me and my brother at her job. I feel your pain, I really do :( I'm exhausted with her....I've always had to be the adult.....I hate her. I really do.

I am not exaggerating when I thought you were one of my siblings posting about my mother. Except in my case I never spoke to her brothers about her.

I think you should confront your dad first. What is wrong with a girl? <br />
Girls Are Waaaaaaaaaaaay more:<br />
1. Smarter<br />
2. Preetier<br />
3. Nice smelling<br />
4.Responsible<br />
and most of all:<br />
5. JUST PLAIN BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my mother is the exact same way

I HATE MY MOTHER!!! She constantly is critisizing everything I do and is yelling at me for stupid things. For example, I woke up this morning and did the dishes, took the dogs for a walk, folded laudry, fixed a stain on a carpet and made breakfast. I tell her all this when she wakes up and now it is 11 at night and she is screaming at me asking me if i did this stuff. I say yes and she says not to talk back to her. Also, I am 12 years old and 102 pounds and she is constantly telling me i am fat and discusting. She says I look terrible in everything, that my thighs buldge and my belly is hanging over my pants (which it doesnt! I am extremely happy with my weight). She wants me to be a super model or something and it doesnt please her that I am short and have a square shaped but skinny body. She causes me so much stress and anger. I am actually crying right now because I have no more love left for her.

maybe she is telling you the truth. Also you are going into your teens so you will become rebellious but don't ever hate the person who does everything for you.

you really don't get it kagom, do you? No one should be telling their daughter that they are fat and disgusting. If she does in fact do everything, as you say, then it;s her responsibility to keep her daughter healthy, not make her fat and then abuse her for it.

Thank you for the support!!! I still dont understand her! She is terrible for doing this to me. Recently, she has been thinking I am a lesbian because I watch a show called Pretty Little Liars. I have nothing against lesbians or gays i mean i totally am for them but i am definitally not one. In this show, a girl named Emily makes out with a girl named Maya and this is just happens to be the one episode that she watches. Its insane that she wont even talk to me about it, she just assumes. Urg! I hate her sooo much. I have straight A's, in honors society, and got accepted into all A.P. classes in highschool but she never says, "good job". I also texted her that I love her and she replied cool.

Thank you! I totally agree. :)

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This sounds like my mom too...<br />
I don't hate her too and yes I realize that she is the one who gave birth to me and fed me and yeah those stuff but I am starting to dislike her more and more as I grow older. She doesn't understand of how many problems I already have other than at home, but whenever I get home from school she already starts yelling and makes me stressful. She never even tries to comfort or understand me anymore nor does she listen to me like she did years ago. She doesn't even TRY. Arent moms supposed to try to understand their children? All she does is argue and being all emotional. She shouldn't bring her problems in the house as well. Whenever we try to discuss something, and I want her to support me, she takes it the other way, and goes straight at me. Shes also a hipocrite. She tells me to do things and not do things but she does the things she tells me not to do. I don't know what to do anymore, now I just keep it all to myself. This really helped me release some stress I have in here. Thanks.

I can relate to every word you've written. You have described my own mother, though I could add a bit. I don't understand why, and I never will, I just wish she would disappear!

permission to repost coz i feel the same way too...

Are you sure we aren't siblings? This sounds exactly like my maternal unit

Wow, I could relate so much!. I don't know if you've read the story I posted about my mother, but I feel much the same way about my mother. I've even called her an emotional vampire! She passed away a yr. and a half ago, but when she was alive she such the energy right out of a whole room of people. She dragged everyone down around her, and over the years, managed to alienate just about everyone who ever cared about her.<br />
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My mom was very smart, but completely wasted her talents. She never did anything that took too much time or energy. She always wanted to take the path of least resistance. She too was fond of playing the victim and trying to make people feel sorry for her. She never succeeded with me; I saw right through her act. For that, I got completely cut out of her will. I was her only child and she did that to me because she was a vindictive witch. <br />
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I wish I had more words of encouragement, but I am still trying to work through all the anger I have towards my own mother. So far, therapy/counseling has not made much of a dent in all of the issues I have with her. Hopefully some day I will be able to let go of my anger and get past it.

Wow, I could relate so much!. I don't know if you've read the story I posted about my mother, but I feel much the same way about my mother. I've even called her an emotional vampire! She passed away a yr. and a half ago, but when she was alive she such the energy right out of a whole room of people. She dragged everyone down around her, and over the years, managed to alienate just about everyone who ever cared about her.<br />
<br />
My mom was very smart, but completely wasted her talents. She never did anything that took too much time or energy. She always wanted to take the path of least resistance. She too was fond of playing the victim and trying to make people feel sorry for her. She never succeeded with me; I saw right through her act. For that, I got completely cut out of her will. I was her only child and she did that to me because she was a vindictive witch. <br />
<br />
I wish I had more words of encouragement, but I am still trying to work through all the anger I have towards my own mother. So far, therapy/counseling has not made much of a dent in all of the issues I have with her. Hopefully some day I will be able to let go of my anger and get past it.

I don't think she was vindictive doing that, you hated her so she cut you out because of the pain.

I disagree, her only child suffered enough, she could at least do the right thing at the end and leave her child something. People make me sick.

I'm sorry about your relationship with your mother. The important thing is to know that it is not your fault. What doesn't kill you, can only make you stronger.

My mother is the same way. I remember when I was younger how she physically abused my Dad. Like beat him with ob<x>jects, throw vases at him, cut his back with the glass that broke. I cleaned him up then. He gets ill. And she stands by his side for years playing the good wife. She cuts me down. And twists my words. Lies. Gossips. Sweet one minute. Nuts the next. I have been the same way at times I know. I am no saint. She then boo hoos to the evil twin siblings. They get involved. And throw their judgement in with insults galore. And today my Mom leaves me a voicemail about a problem I was trying to solve. She took everything wrong. Very defensive. And told me she was so effen over me. Lol whatever! She is a miserable soul who wants everyone to be unhappy like her. I pray she gets some peace one day eventually. She remembers what she wants to. That's it. And my sisters defend her by saying she is getting old etc. blah blah. She is not too old to leave crazy messages either. She is a nut job. I mean what kind of women abuses their husband like that. I mean hits him with a tennis racket in the back. Cuts his back. Because he was happy and having fun??!!

I am there with you! Oh my lord! Queen of emotional terrorism. Yep! She twists words and turns them against you. Selective memory too. And does report to others the offenses and they gang bang up on you. Oh my this hit the nail on the head. I am not alone. Thank you! Thank you!

You know, mothers are people too - and a number of them are just as awful as the awful people you meet. So my question is - just what exactly is our obligation to these people? We don't pick our parents, and they don't pick us. Life is hard enough without dragging your whole life history behind you. I advise everyone to cut their losses and move on.

I'm trying very hard to do this. I always turn around and look at her as I walk away, expecting something "more" from her like love or effort but it never changes. She never changes.

She sounds horribly like mine in a lot of ways - the emotional stuff especially and inconsistency of her own emotions.

Sounds like she has Borderline personality disorder. It's common for people who were abused , act this way....I'm thinking my own mom has this personality disorder. That, and Narcissism. It's hard to deal with so I don't. I hardly ever talk to her.

After 42 years I have finally come to the point where I have to accept that my mother needs to be gone from my life. I can't even tell you how many emotional scars i have from her that will bleed and swell spontaneously, especially now that I'm older and see how my friends parent their children and I think about the right things to do to protect and nurture. Where do I begin? I know it could be worse, but trust me, emotional abuse is not any less painful than if I was severely beaten. Here are some memorial highlights of my life:<br />
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Age 3: It was as if I awoke the first time to seeing my mother in a screaming fight with her then boyfriend. I sat on the floor playing with a toy, trying to disappear into the walls, scared that my mother was screaming and crying at this man in our house. She didn't seem to even realize that doing this in front of her tiny child was wrong. The man she was fighting with was a guy she had picked up at the neighborhood bar. I should point out that she used to put me in my crib to sleep and then go out at night, leaving me home alone. <br />
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Age 5: My father came back to live with us, he wanted to marry her, but she said no, they decided to smoke pot and take acid one day, then drove around with me in the backseat, high. She told me this later, as if it was okay. A few weeks later, I woke up to find my father's suitcase by the front door. She had put it there, in a dramatic mean spirited way, having yelled at him the night before and told him to get out. We took him to the bus station and I didn't see him again for 11 years. In a nutshell, they are both f-ed up. <br />
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Age 6: while she is driving and I'm looking out the car window, she tells me she hates me, I'm a brat and though she loves me, she doesn't like me. I didn't know what to say. i was horrified. i just stared out the window, not knowing how to reply. I mentioned it much later and she denied that she ever said it. I never forgot that. <br />
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Age 7: New boyfriend. We start staying at his house a lot. I have to sleep in the cold spare room piled full of junk on a mattress. Meanwhile my 2 cats are at our house, which we never stay at anymore. When we finally go back to our house to move our stuff in with the bf, my cats are gone. My mother gave my cats away without telling, our old cat, and the young kitten that we had just gotten a year before. I felt an icy chill that my mother didn't even let me say goodbye to my pets before giving them away. It was painful. A few weeks later, her bf says he wants a cat, so we get a new one. But it is made very clear, that it's not my pet but his. <br />
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Living with the bf for a few years, he verbally abuses me and makes me uncomfortable, while my mother silently looks on and does nothing.<br />
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Age 8: I suddenly become obsessed with Jesus and pray to him every night, I long for a father and someone who really watches over me, since I have known for some time that I am just along for the ride, that it's really all about my mom and her bf. My mother drives me to Sunday school one morning, but didn't read the calendar to know that there was no class that day. She lets me out of the car and drives away. i am locked out of the building and have to stand on the corner of a city street for 2 hours waiting for her to come get me. I have no money, no way of calling her and I'm scared and nervous. What kind of mother drives off, leaving a little girl on the side walk? A real mother would wait until she got in the building before driving away. This occurred to me later in life, when this memory flashed in my brain.<br />
I should also mention that my mother seemed to think that i could do things for myself, that she didn't have to, meaning I would go for days and days with dirty hair and rats nests because my mother didn't help me do these things. She would then ridicule me and tell me was a mess, and why didn't I ever brush my hair. I was 8, that's why. Kids don't know how to do this. I have had so many issues with self esteem and trust because my mother would do this and turn on me.<br />
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Age 8-11 numerous fights between her and the bf. he came home drunk one night and threw up allover the bathroom floor. I woke up in the middle of the night having to pee, I turned on the light and found piles of vomit everywhere that him and my mom just left there. I had to walk through barf to use the bathroom. The next morning it sat there for hours, because my mother refused to clean it up and he didn't give a sh** or was too hungover. This is also around the time that my mothe rinformed me that my grandparents didn't want me and that they tried to force her into putting me up for adoption. My grandparents were the only good figures in my life and to hear that they didn't want me was distressing to say the least. I figured they loved me after I was born, but why on earth would a mother ever tell her child that? <br />
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Age 12: my mother gets set up on a blind date and drags me on the date with her. She had never met this guy. This was awkward. Who introduces strangers to their kids on a first date? Awful. the date was weird and the next morning he called our house. When I told him that my mom had already gone to work, (I was a latchkey kid at this point) he asked me if he could come over and fu** me. I was speechless, terrified. I hung up the phone and called my mom at work. She told me not to tell anyone, especially my grandparents, because she didn't want to make a big dramatic deal out of it. Um, what? Would she have done the same thing if he had raped me? ******* stupid *****. We never saw or heard from him again. That was lucky, but I am still unable to let that go.<br />
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Through my whole childhood she smoked a lot of pot and has always been a secretive lush. She probably drinks more now, who knows. She used to blow pot smoke in my face. I don't mind pot being around me, but why on earth would a mother do this? Maybe that's why I did badly in school. Neglect and drugs. <br />
Age 12-15: my mother is in a depression these years because she doesn't have a bf. She comes home and goes in her room shutting the door. She doesn't make dinner anymore or even really talk to me. She gets jealous because no one calls her on the phone, it is always my friends. She gets jealous because she sees men and boys looking at me on the street and not at her. She stops caring for me, stops taking me to the doctor or the dentist and tells me there's rice in the kitchen, make dinner yourself. I start to long to be free and be away from her as much as possible, seeking out friends to stay with and noticing how their parents seem so involved, loving, giving. It is a really horrible thing to be around her at this point. <br />
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Age 15: I am flunking high school and she doesn't care. She gets notices from the school board about me never going to school and she tells me, if you are not going to school get a job or get out. Never once does she sit me down and offer to help me, or really understand why I am so unhappy or unable to focus. So I get a job and flunk school. I am working and going out to eat with friends because there is nothing to eat at home. I graduate high school, by passing the proficiency test the next year. She doesn't even notice or care. <br />
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Age 16: I pass the test and get a diploma. hooray for me. No one congratulates me, she didn't bother to mention it to the rest of our family, she has a new bf now that she is focused on. He is 13 years younger than her, a homeless guy she picked up off the street who now lives with us, after she knew him for a week. She decides to quit her job and sit on the couch all day and smoke pot with this loser. I become anorexic and start taking drugs. She doesn't care, never says a word. She cooks and cleans for her boyfriend, making huge lavish meals everyday for him. This hurts to see him getting treated like a king, when I am now having to fend for my self, with the exception of still living at home, except it no longer fells like home. I feel like the unwanted guest in our house.<br />
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Age 17. The bf drives me out of the house, I go to live with friends. My mother does nothing to try and make things right. Instead she gives him my old room to do his "paintings" He's a horrible artist, but she thinks he's a genius. She dotes on him and tells him how amazing and talented he is. She has nothing encouraging to say to me. I go to visit and my room is now his, I asked her if I could have keys to the house so i could come by while she was away and type out a resume for a job i wanted to apply for. She refuses, saying "I don't give people keys to the house" It was so painful to be treated that way. I was her daughter not just "people". She has given this homeless stoner my room and keys to our house but won't give them to her own flesh and blood so I can apply for a job. She knows at this point that I am out on my own and surrounded by danger, it is not important enough for her to lose her man, whom she has chosen over being a mother. He continues to freeload off her and waste time until eventually he leaves her for another woman. I go there to comfort her when she cries about this stupid ******* douche that left her, but later on down the road she doesn't lift a finger to help me with my heartaches in any way.<br />
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Throughout these above years I have been slapped in the face, with red welts left on my cheeks, told I was a ****, a ***** a *****.<br />
Locked out of the house when she gets mad, had my personal things rifled through. She took us to a counselor when I was 15 and the counselor told her : Your daughter is fine, you are the one who needs help" she promptly cancelled our appointments. She just wanted to go there and complain about me and have them tell her i was a bad person. <br />
She is emotionally disturbed and incapable of showing any true love or care for me, even though she can become a slave to her men, showering them with love and basically becoming their mother until they eventually leave her. <br />
All the times I have tried to talk to her about important things or express my feelings about her behavior she hangs the phone up on me. <br />
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I distanced myself from her a few years ago, and when she realized it, she started sending cards in the mail, that had no writing in them, just "love, mom". She would even send pictures of herself, I didn't understand why my mother would send me pictures of herself and yet not even write a single loving or concerned word or ask what was what. Not once did she ask why I wouldn't see her. She is disturbed and afraid of the truth. I asked her to stop sending the cards, they say nothing and it hurts me that she can't even say anything, and told her why I don't want to be around her. She continues to send the cards, which at this point I just throw in the garbage. They upset me a lot. <br />
There were times when I asked her for things, like family ornaments for the tree that my husband got on our first married Christmas together. She refused to let us use them. She rather let them sit in a garbage bag in a dark storage space. She hadn't used them for over 15 years, yet her mean spirit would rather they sat unused than bring us happiness. <br />
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I have learned to never ask her for anything, she will 95% of the time say no. It's always seems like such a chore to do anything nice. Either that or she gets pleasure from depriving me of any happiness.<br />
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As an adult, she has emotionally slapped me in the face. When I was seperating from my husband, I needed her help. I tried to talk to her about my pain one day and she got up and turned on the TV informing me that she was on vacation and didn't want to hear my crap. This was 7 years ago, i had just moved back to the city, hearbtbroken with no job and no place to live having to pick up the pieces. I needed her support and help at that moment, It was horrifying the way she acted, but should I be surprised? I haven't seen her face to face for 6 years now, though I am troubled by no end by her. She tells the rest of the family that I refuse to see her and she doesn't know why, she tells them I am mean to her for no reason, (she likes them to feel sorry for her) when she knows exactly why I can't be around her. I told her why and she ignored me.<br />
After being slapped in the face recently again by her horrible cold behavior I have decided to walk away and never look back. <br />
I do not plan to see her ever again. I asked her to go to therapy to work it out, and she has refused. So now I am done. I hate to say this but the day she dies will be a day I feel a sigh of relief. I hate her so much. <br />
I will soon be the first person in my family to ever graduate college, have supported myself completely for the last 20 something years, have a loving partner, and try to be the most supportive generous person I can be, who prides in my accomplishments and work ethic. She used to try and take credit for all my good fortune, but honestly until I got as far away from her as possible, I was an unhealthy mess. She used to try and tell me to have kids, even suggested I get artificially inseminated so she could be a grandmother. I don't plan on having kids and if I did, she would not be allowed near them. I know she will never change. She is a joyless, lonely, vindictive twofaced wretch who has very few friends and has done pretty much nothing with her life for the last 20 years. I wish she would get help, but I'm afraid she is destined to always be weird and horrible. <br />
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I can no longer accept the "she's your mother, you have to love her" approach because to be honest she hasn't been my mother for 25 years. She is not worth the suffering.<br />
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Anyway, there's my story. I have been having a hard time lately, with the holidays and everyone in my family that I was close to are now dead, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone, though I do wish better for all of us.

I know how you feel, my mother is an alcoholic… and well a b!tch. She got caught when I was around 12 years old. It was the time when I lost my mother. She chose alcohol over her family. I am now 17, she is sober… sometimes, but she isn't the same person. My father is still with her, but I know he does't love her anymore, he just loves me and my brother too much to leave. My mother has driven with me drunk in a car a multitude of times, and I have been the adult in the relationship. I don't think I can ever see her as my mother again. Even now, as she tries to stay clean, she is selfish, hurtful, and expects everyone to bow down to her lazy *** glued to the couch. I no longer have a mother, she is an empty shell trying to convince herself everyone respects her when she is incapable of treating others the way she wants to be treated. I look back at pictures, me and her smiling, being happy. And my mind is incapable of recalling any memories before the age of 12. I had a mother, and she was taken away, and will never come back. I wish you all the best and I hope you and your mother learn to tolerate each other. Best regard!

You so stole my story. I feel your pain. My mother makes me wanna scream. I avoid not talking to her. And then my father calls me and gives me a hard time for not talking to her.

ur mother and my mother are the same. maybe they are sisters. if i can get away with not talking to her i would. she is the most unappreciative, narcissistic, emotionaly unpredictable person I know. When i see other mothers and daughters who have healthy relationship, i envy them. If there will be an oppurtunity to change her, maybe I would without bl<x>inking!

yes maybe :)

my mother is the exact same way :/

Wow. Almost every point I share with you. Astounding. And sad. Just take it day by day and remember to be happy in life. If somone treats you terribly and only brings you down, it's time to reevaluate the situation.

Wow. Almost every point I share with you. Astounding. And sad. Just take it day by day and remember to be happy in life. If somone treats you terribly and only brings you down, it's time to reevaluate the situation.

Wow. Almost every point I share with you. Astounding. And sad. Just take it day by day and remember to be happy in life. If somone treats you terribly and only brings you down, it's time to reevaluate the situation.

Wow. Almost every point I share with you. Astounding. And sad. Just take it day by day and remember to be happy in life. If somone treats you terribly and only brings you down, it's time to reevaluate the situation.

i am 33 years old and have never liked my mother. i never felt like she protected me, had my back, or supported me. when i was overweight as a kid, she jeered at me along with her friends. aren't mothers supposed to protect you from that? if i had a kid, i'd tell my friends to not talk about my child like that, let alone join in. my mother is korean and very typical where she cares more about what her peers think than her own children. i also recently realized that my mother is a child still. whenever she heard something she didn't like or we tried to express our feelings, she gets defensive and nasty, then ignores us. she waits for us to beg her to talk to us. this is a bratty way of trying to get things her way, and my sister and i are so over it. she easily criticizes in a nasty tone or tries to disguise it in a nice way. she glazes over what me and my sister do-our work, our lives, who we are, and just says things like, i want a grandchild. i would never leave my children alone with her. another things with my mom is her capacity for denial. i suffered from eating disorders for a long time, and when i turned 30 and was in a better place, i wanted to talk to my parents about it and have some closure. my dad has been amazing (bless his soul for having to drag around this horrible child of a mother and wife, who makes everyone miserable). during the talk, my mom said, you know, you did things to hurt me too-but in a childish way. she never took responsibility or acknowledged how she affected me and my sister growing up. it's a fact-my sister and i had unhappy childhoods. but my mother will still tell you to this day that we only have happy memories. she just denies denies denies. i was sexually abused by a family friend when i was little. i never told my parents, esp my mother, b/c i knew of all people, she would deny and not want to deal, therefore not protect me. she also is an emotional and compulsive over-eater. now she has diabetes but she "doesnt' know why" b/c "she doesn't eat sweets" all the time. she has probably lied to her doctor that she doesn't eat a lot, when she stuffs her face all day to fulfill emptiness (she causes herself). i hate eating meals with her-she's just consumed by food and not present. she can't communicate and we have nothing to talk to her about so she just stuffs her face. i try to avoid eating at restaurants with her b/c i'm always scared she's goign to ask everyone for their left overs to finish, which is so embarrassing and gross at a restaurant with my boyfriend or friends. my mother always acts like the victim. takes her misery out on me and my sister. doesnt' realize that we dont' want to be around her and close to her b/c she is annoying (which we have pointed out in nice ways and blatant ways), criticizes, lives in denial, and is a loose cannon (my sister told her once she didnt' want to eat rice with dinner b/c she was doing low carbs. my mother EXPLODED at her and said she was ungrateful b/c my mom was trying to feed her and cared about her. my sister said, you were being annoyed b/c you kept asking me and i just don't want to eat it! it ended up being a miserable rest of the day w/ my mom ignoring my sister. great). my mother complains to her friends that we are terrible kids, look at what they do to me,a nd twist things around. never seeing that it's HER and how hurtful she is. one of her friends doesnt' even acknowledge me b/c she believes allt he crap my mom says. my mother, if a real grown up, would look at herself and see what she contributes to the negativity. i have never seen another else's mother like my mom. i've learned what a real mom should be and does from my friends' mothers, thank goodness. i am grateful i've had boyfriends with great moms i can learn from, my friends who have also become mothers themselves. sometimes i am in awe and shock when i see kindness and nurturing, b/c i didn't get that. i thought automatically, mothers just slap their kids around or tell them to shut up, which is what i got all the time. and my mother wonders why my sister and i don't want to be around her. i am pretty sure if she still could, she'd like to give my sister and i beat downs with her hands and whatever stick she can find. my mother has no real contribution in my life except that she gave birth to me, i've had to find my way to get out of her influence (years of growing up with her, realizing i had to undo things i learned from her, i don't have to be like her, that there's more out there in life) and maybe that's how i learned to be a better person. i have no idea. but the idea of her, sight of her, makes me sick. she lives in her own world, and she can stay there. my sister gets scared of my mom's reactions to things. i used to also, esp b/c she goes ballistic over things she can't deal with. i had to move on and teach myself, if that's how my mom's going to react, that's her loss. she's not a part of my life that's iv'e worked so hard to put together. and my sister has to do the same. we are adults now and we deserve to be happy and go for what we want, and to stop caring about our mother, and her "who do you think you are?" attitude towards us whenever we want to acheive our goals.

Be nice to her whether she is kind or ugly and watch what happens. Often saying something nice to someone when they are mean guilts them into apologising. Eventually she may even see you as someone who truly loves her, taking all the **** she puts out and still treating her well. It's that kind of behaviour that builds character. My grandfather was the worst person around, but nowadays he feels really bad about it and tries to make up for it at all times. He depends on us a lot and we are happy to provide.

mine says she either wants me institutionalized, in prison or dead. when i ask her why she says because at least ill know where you are and what your doing!

i feel your pain... this is really good

I can totally relate to your story!<br />
is your mother my mother's twin sister? <br />
i felt like copying it to my story.

"she loves to twist your words and turn them against you"<br />
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this is something my mother does aswell. It drives me insane.... when I try to explain to her that that is NOT WHAT I SAID, it doesn't work. She's a brick wall.

I live with a mother who acts the same way yours does. Im 21 but il forever be 7 in her eyes. <br />
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My mother is a very mean person. She has the capability and the heart to tell you the ugliest things about you and your life in the most uninhibited way possible. <br />
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She is overbearing and unkind and i will never forgive her for that. <br />
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She easily sees the bad in other people. And puts her nose to where it doesnt belong every single time. <br />
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Her words have always been designed to hurt you the worst possible way and she doesnt even care. She doest care about anyone but herself. <br />
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Everyday im so scared of waking up in the morning. Everyday i wonder what she's going to be mad about and i try to be careful with everything that i do but i am never enough. She makes me think i am a reminder of a past mistake. <br />
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I jump at the slightedt sound of a door closing. My phone is constantly on silent mode because she pries on every text message and listens in on every call. Whenever im on the phone with someone, i feel her eyes on me even though she isnt around. I have nightmares about her. I dont trudt anyone because of her. Me and my brother are socially awkward because if she lets us out, theres always a catch when we get home. I am impatient and ill mannered because of her. I am jumpy and highly anxious. <br />
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Yes, i hate her. <br />
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But no hatred can compare to how i hate the woman i have become because of her.

I live with a mother who acts the same way yours does. Im 21 but il forever be 7 in her eyes. <br />
<br />
My mother is a very mean person. She has the capability and the heart to tell you the ugliest things about you and your life in the most uninhibited way possible. <br />
<br />
She is overbearing and unkind and i will never forgive her for that. <br />
<br />
She easily sees the bad in other people. And puts her nose to where it doesnt belong every single time. <br />
<br />
Her words have always been designed to hurt you the worst possible way and she doesnt even care. She doest care about anyone but herself. <br />
<br />
Everyday im so scared of waking up in the morning. Everyday i wonder what she's going to be mad about and i try to be careful with everything that i do but i am never enough. She makes me think i am a reminder of a past mistake. <br />
<br />
I jump at the slightedt sound of a door closing. My phone is constantly on silent mode because she pries on every text message and listens in on every call. Whenever im on the phone with someone, i feel her eyes on me even though she isnt around. I have nightmares about her. I dont trudt anyone because of her. Me and my brother are socially awkward because if she lets us out, theres always a catch when we get home. I am impatient and ill mannered because of her. I am jumpy and highly anxious. <br />
<br />
Yes, i hate her. <br />
<br />
<br />
But no hatred can compare to how i hate the woman i have become because of her.

My mother is exactly like this. Some days shes the most sweetest person alive. Saying that she'll do anything and everything for me. Then other days she'll yell and ***** at me constantly.

I know how you feel.<br />
Mine's batshit crazy too.

It is sad, but no one is perfect not that it justifies for their behaviour. However , how she was raised is also a big part of what kind of adult she is today. It sounds she could have a lot of problems (mental illness) & emotionally has not grown up ( Trust me evey family has secrets & skeleton in cupboards).and that is her way to cope and deal with life. I know where you come from I have never met my mother , but I have met my biological father and same . However , you learn from mistakes but you are not her - people judge you because of her they are not worthy of you.<br />
Hope in time things will change , but a lifetime bad habits & character not easy to change , and if she does not recognise those issues and the family do not get together to assist you will hit a brick wall.<br />
<br />
Talk to the family and see if you can all get together and help her to define problems, and that will not leave all the burden on you. You sound like a lovely girl, you are her daughter but you are not responsible for actions, just be there if you can for her - make sure it does not emotionally drain you out.<br />
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Hope the family will join you on this journey to help you & your mum. If not see your GP and see what they advise you to help your mum. Also who was her role model , mentor?????? <br />
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From all the experiences above it shows you we are not alone , bad cycles are not easy to break, but not impossible to breack with help & support.<br />
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Hope things will work out for you , but I truly feel for you and your mother - and she is probably a lost tormented soul too.<br />
<br />
Take care..xx

This is really terrible advice. People from screwed families need boundaries - not more muddled involvement in each others problems - which no one IN the family has the means of solving or supporting, anyway.

and I disagree with you, he gave you excellent advice. you should never put up barriers against your family. And yes, YOU have to take responsibility and try to work through a problem, it is the only way it will be solved.

Abby, I have just come across this story and relate so much. I too do not hate my mother but she makes terrible problems even now, as I have said elsewhere here on EP she does do the same things as yours does. I feel for you and for myself.<br />
Take care.

"i don't HATE her ... but ... i really dislike her and that is embarrassing..."<br />
<br />
I didn't say, "I hate her" ... I said, "I really dislike her" ... No matter what I can't bring myself to 'hate' any one or any thing regardless the offense (s).<br />
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If I come up with any kind of cure or answers I'll be sure to share with you, 'wang' ... until then, take care of YOU and I wish you the best of luck.

Wow, that sounds exactly like my mother . I'm sorry . I know the hurt it brings . I wish I could give you some help, some of the advice that I need . But I need it too . You can't just leave her, because if something happens, you always feel like it's your fault . I left and my mother stabbed herself a few months later . I came back, and I still feel like I should have been here to stop her, I don't know why, I've never been able to stop her destructive behavior before . Right now I'm just trying to find a place around here so I at least have a seperation from her . Don't say you hate her . You don't . She's your mother, no matter what . She's doing all she can, but unfortunately some people just weren't meant to be parents . She's learning . that's what i tell myself at least . good luck !

Call me cold-hearted but I disagree. Blood just makes you related, it's love that makes you a family (At least in my opinion).

Cannot disagree with you, TD. Not on ONE point! And I don't find it offensive nor patronizing.<br />
<br />
My mother is a mix of emotional immaturity and mental health issues. In all honesty I doubt she will change regardless my plan of action or the elements (1-5) I possess but I hold hope and will continue trying new angles.<br />
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I've been working with her on these problems all my life with no positive results and no negative results - just an ever present stubborn streak to stay as she is. I've attempted professional help to which she refuses after a couple months - most likely after she's been told she needs to 'grow up' and do something positive in her life for her mental health rather than play the victim. i suspect her refusing to go to another appointment (after i've personally scheduled her w/ 3 or 4 different counselors at this point) has much to do with them coming to a point in therapy where they feel it's time to tell her she has to take ownership of her problems, be responsible for them and hold herself accountable rather than playing the blame game and looking to others to do these things. (I spoke to one pro after she began refusing to attend appts and in effect this assessment was very much the case. He wished me luck with it all - what more could he do at that point?)<br />
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Regardless her stubborn streak I will hang tight with her and continue attempting to help her. I AM her daughter after all and am nearly as stubborn so giving up on her or anyone else is simply not an option. Perhaps one day I can bring her into reality ... perhaps not. But I will continue to 'dance' with her from a distance chipping away at this problem. I figure I owe that much to her at the very least...

stop trying to help your mother and focus on helping yourself - you'll never change, fix her - and to think you can is grandiose and completely unrealistic. I believe the clinical term is "coodependent" - focus on your own life, your problems, your own future and work on getting a better boundary with your needy mother.

Two thoughts:<br />
<br />
Your mother is either a grossly immature person who needs to be forced into growing up.<br />
<br />
and/or<br />
<br />
Maybe she has a constellation of mental health issues (anxiety, personality disorder).<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
I (one day) intend to try and make my dad grow up. Don't get me wrong, I do not expect to succeed. But you only get the parents you're given, and I owe to them to keep trying. Because severe emotional immaturity is life crippling. <br />
<br />
I think the following elements are required:<br />
1) Better knowledge of ones parents as PEOPLE <br />
2) Excellent knowledge of emotional leverage and direction techniques<br />
3) A good understanding of human psychology<br />
4) A Battle Plan<br />
5) Determination<br />
<br />
I remain convinced that change is possible, and that there are techniques to make people change even when they don't want to. I think a lot of people would find my thoughts offensive and patronising, but if emotional immaturity cripples a parent's ability to enjoy life after they've put time and effort into raising you, I think the possibility is at least worth investigating.<br />
<br />
At the very least, I think it is possible to be a catalyst for growth and change in someone's life. The techniques one uses is really up to the individual, but if you want to help her, an active approach seems like a good place to start.

I'm uncertain my mother's excuse. At least if she were prone to the drink I would understand her behaviours better. But ... *shrugs*<br />
<br />
I hold nothing but appreciation and admiration for your ability to 'deal' with your mom over the years. I also have a sincere sadness in my heart regarding your situation. But I think Celainn's correct in that we have to make peace daily with them or run the risk of being REALLY messed up after their deaths. <br />
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CandyTeeth, you know where to reach me should you want to commiserate or what have you. In the mean time, take care of YOU!

Wow....I think your mother and my mother are long lost twins. Seriously I go through the same exact problems...except my mom is a raging alcoholic.

i keep forgetting all i want to say ... ARGH! ladies, thank you for your comments. c ... i truly feel for you. i know it sounds awful but i wish i could say i didn't understand or i didn't 'get' it. your situation was and still is a very difficult one due to the way in which his life abruptly ended. regardless how nutso she makes me feel, how close to the edge she pushes me, how much i'd like nothing more but to strangle her briefly (j/k), i still tell her i love her when we hang up the phone or leave each other's presence. and after reading 90 of your stories, c, i realized just how much i might be messing up my future sanity if i don't work on the relationship with her now. thank you very much for that eye opener!

other than her divorce from my stepfather ... her life was peachy ... she once told me, "i don't know how you keep getting knocked off the horse (relationships) and no matter how badly you were hurt by the last one you simply press forward. you've had more happen to you in your 30 yrs than i have in my 55 ... if it were me i'd have curled up and died already." she's not had that much trauma and what little she has suffered, not to detract from it but ..., it's just not that major - it was something that'd been coming for 10 years and she was aware of it the ENTIRE TIME! i simply don't get it. maybe if she were to give in and let go of her 'ghosts', she'd lose her excuse for the way she is? (which might be a rather invalidating experience so i can understand her hesitance but the whole reason for therapy/help is to CHANGE ... not just heal wounds you've been licking for 20 years!)

if i were to set her up with some *help* this would make the 3rd or 4th time in a couple years spanse. she told me she's not "comfortable talking" about herself to other people and that she's "not ready to deal with it all." she's 55 and i'd think at this point she'd succumb to the assistance available to her and release the bitter resentment she carries around like a badge of honor but NOOOOOOOOOOOO! i have distanced myself from her as much as i can without completely jeopardizing the relationship. it was a difficult thing to do and she was quite angry with me for a while when i was no longer at her beck and call. one must preserve one's self first or they can preserve no one else!

I am sorry you have such a strained relationship with your mother. I hope you can find an arrangement with her that works for you.