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WHAT Is Wrong With Her?

i don't HATE her ... but ... i really dislike her and that is embarrassing ... i'm ashamed not only of her but how i feel about her.

she's a victim.  she's always played the victim.  she's good at it.

she's an emotional vampire.

she takes advantage of people and then has the audacity to complain it's not enough.

she gripes about how poor she is but she spends her money on the cheapest, most stupid purchases she doesn't need nor does anyone else.  yet she's quite generous with this sh!t.

she was the youngest of 3 and the only female.  her brothers have both told me she's always been this way and probably always will be.

i've always been the adult and mother in our relationship ... yes, even when i was a small child.

you never know what to expect from her.  one day she's so sweet you gag on the sugar she's exuding.  the next day you're choking on the bitterness she radiates.

she might not make contact with me for a few weeks.  she might call me everyday, several times per day.  she never really has anything of substance to share.

she's not a very brilliant woman ... at all! 

she's passive-aggressive and it's frustrating beyond belief.

she's the queen of emotional terrorism.

she loves to twist your words and turn them against you.

she loves to call your sibling and 'report' you for your offenses against her.

she's well beyond irresponsible.

she annoys me beyond words.  she nauseates me.

she's my mother ...

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal 31-35, F 88 Responses May 28, 2007

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Dear Abby, when I read what you wrote it actually made me smile: you were describing my mum! The truth in my situation is that my mother is just an abuser, and she just does not know what it means to love and care for other people. Well, she thinks she loves her family, but she really does not get the concept. My dad has been waiting for 45 years for her to change and he is now at the end of the rope. I have distanced myself from her as much as possible. I keep it brief, decent, and reasonable. BUT I do not deal with her "needs" and "victimization". Neither does my sister. Please remember that who she is does not define who you are. Hang in there, you are not alone!

emotional terrorism...love that word. anyway, i'm glad i have minimised contact with my mother in the past 5 years. she doesn't even have a clue why i want to live so far away from home and only visit once a year. she too loves to 'report' me to anyone who listens. when i was 20, she used to tell everyone, sighing, that daughters were useless. once on her birthday, i bought her a cake, her reaction was abnormal, she became furious and kept scolding (because then she couldn't tell people what a victim she was, how nasty her children were to her). my brother used to be her golden child and she rejoiced when he first moved in back with her, but it didn't take long for her to start calling him 'useless' almost everyday, in front of him and others. she has an illness for sure. there was a time she couldn't stop texting and calling her children (even left lengthy messages). thank god i lived far away and simply changed my number. she's very needy and clingy. she doesn't have close friends and tried to destroy my friendships all the time, sad to say successfully. she would nag about my friend all the time, what's wrong with her, etc, and she did this for many years. when she was still in my life, it was impossible for me to have relationships with anyone else, cause she's so emotionally draining. i really don't see the point of her living and i wish her die soon, she's 70 and that's old enough. when i started my first full-time job, she ridiculed my being able to make my own money and complained i had my life easy. the truth is, she was upset she never made her own money in her life ever. no one takes her seriously these days. even my sis-in-law secretly wishes for her passing away. she mocked me for thinking that i could be successful in this life, saying women were not born for leadership, but to raise kids and serve her husband. yep, that's how pathetic she is. the funny thing is, she despised her own mother, saying she's stupid, uneducated, while i think her mother was more agreeable, certainly dressed much better, not like her, she's always dressed poorly, like a maid. in her mother's final days, she couldn't even be bothered to take care of her, giving excuses that somebody else already did. what a useless child! that's right, she's a child. i think that everyone's life will be better without her, finally we can move on. unfortunately, even though she's totally useless, she's very healthy. i often wonder how my dad could put up with someone like this in his life. now i realise why he only comes home to sleep and when he's home, pretending to fall asleep on the couch. she's a truly selfish woman. when my arm was fractured, she pretended not to see it and continued with her daily routine. she often cried, wailed, manipulated people with her emotional turmoil. but now everyone is so fed up with her and wish her dead, that she learns how to behave. i almost believe she tries to poison me a little coz it's just strange everytime i take a trip home, i would always be in ill health. she's very scared now that she'll be put in a home should her husband leave before her. the reality strikes her, and she tries to be nicer to everyone, so that we'll have mercy on her and not put her away. it'll be easier for everyone if she just dies before my father. no one wants to take care of her. she's a handful.

My mother is so aggravating she is always the victim and loves to torture me in any tiny way she can, I'm so done with this.

This is just like my mother...exept fr the bit when you ritten she sometimes nice. Myn is always bitter snd beats me with a stick...or sometimes she kicks me...punches me...calls me a ***** and thretens to kick me out the house.

You hit the nail on the head. I have separated myself by not calling her for 3-4 wks at the time, but the whole time I am worried to death about her. She learned how to make us feel so guilty. The guilt actually causes me to have chest pain.

Sounds exactly like mine, but I unfortunately still live with her.

Same with me

SAME, well only until the end of august. then thankfully I move away for college.

I know i am so excited to go to college where my controlling mom can't control me anymore

My so called mother is so selfish and self centered it is disgusting to say the least! I know she did not want me even though she was married to my father? If he is indeed my father? She made a point to make sure she told me everyday of her life how horrible my birth was and how much she would rather DIE than have another child! Then she proceeded to tell me and my brother, who is 11 yrs older than me, how much she hates our father and what hell she was in all her life and she drug us through hell to prove it! She constantly took me away when I was a child and would hide me from my father just to torment him, she even had him locked up once, said he threatened her, I told him if I had been him I would have knocked the hell out of her and left the ***** on the floor or worse! Then after my brother was old enough she destroyed every relationship he ever had, until he got fed up FINALLY! then she tried to do the same to me, she destroyed my first marriage, she is a selfish, unhappy *****! All she ever cared about was MEN! She wanted MEN to notice her and be all into her, she is UGLY inside and OUT and now that she is OLD she still thinks men want her old, UGLY, HAG ***, it is embarrassing and DISGUSTING! She is a pathetic human being but she will Answer to GOD one day so I'm done with that HAG! She put me and my entire family through HELL and I hope she meets her's one day and have to answer for all she has done, because she blames everyone and anything but herself for what SHE has done!

I dont want to hurt your feelings wen I say this but your mum is a bi***...you can put her in a old home when she's old...tht way shes gonna know

I am so happy to see this feed, I do not feel alone anymore! Thank You all for helping me feel so NOT alone anymore.

That just summed up story of my life! I'm turning 22 next month and I've had a huge, LOUD argument with my mom right now (which is frequent). I'm so disturbed right now.Thats how I reached this place. Another reason I'm here is because I don't have many friends and the ones that I have don't have arguments with their moms like me?! And by talking about my mom I don't wanna lose the few friends that I made?! About myself I wanna say that I'm a really fun person, laugh a lot, in the past I could make friends really easily (i.e; 5-6 years back) but now I've turned all shy, quite and can't communicate with anybody without stuttering. I try really hard to be normal. There's a lot on my mind all the time. I've never spoken or written about it until now. I'm so tired of being strong & showing everyone that I am! So, hence I'm writing about it. Thanks all of you for giving me enough strength. I actually feel puckish while writing but I just wanna do this!
I just got diagnosed with a killer, serious health problem & spent 2 months in hospital fighting for my life. Stress plays an important part in my problem & I cant afford to take it. I have always been told by my mom that I'm ugly, fat, stupid & what not. I'm being decent while "not" saying the words actually! Sometimes I feel my mom's sick & she needs my love but then she tests my patience all the time and she thinks I do the same to her. I'll write down in points whatever comes to my mind:
1. I used to be brilliant student, actually a topper but now I'm an average. I had a lot going on my mind when I was in grade 12, hence I barely passed grade 12. At that point I thought I had completely lost it and thought of myself as the dumbest person in the world who couldn't do one thing right. On top of that I was given all the blame for not doing good. I had lost all the capability of studying right before my exams and scored 60% as my final score. By the way I'm constantly given blame for this performance of mine, like still! My mom says that she saved my *** my not letting my relatives know about my percentage. Honestly I never cared about what my relatives think about me, not at that time, not even now! Actually, she felt ashamed of me and wanted to save her *** in her relatives!
2. I never told anybody about this but I was beaten up really badly by my mom a couple of months before grade 12 exams. The situation is as follows: She was being really nice to me that morning and dressing me up in a dress she stitched for herself but couldn't fit in and so she shortened the dress and made me wear it and I looked good in it. Then she goes, you have a really hairy face and I told her lets do waxing on it (ps: my mom doesn't have any body hair but her genes didn't pass on to me so I am extremely hairy. Anyways, my point is she never had to do anything at all about her hairless body, leave alone waxing! She doesn't understand my hair problems. Never did she want to waste money on my waxing. And because I'm hairy and didn't do anything about them when I was younger, I have turned out to be a person with low self esteem. Atleast this is one of the reasons! ) Anyways, moving on she lights a matchstick and blows the fire off and tries burn my facial hair with the heat of the blown off matchstick! I get scared and lightly push her back and start crying. She in return tells me to remove her dress that she just technically "renovated" for me and I tell her I'll give it later but she just goes crazy and rips my clothes off. I push her again to stop her in self defense but she starts slapping and punching me while I stand there "naked" trying to save myself but then she brings steel rod from somewhere and beat me with it until it breaks. As I'm bleeding, I'm trying to save myself but in vain! I called my dad to stop her but she doesn't stop. Myy dad was sitting in a meeting and couldn't say much . She stops after a while after beating and abusing me and tells me that she'll send me to wherever the hell and goes to sleep. I on the other hand sit in the other room scared after gathering something to drape with, covering my wounds and crying helplessly not knowing what to do. In the evening she wakes up and realizes that she did wrong but unto the day never admits that she was wrong in beating me. Instead she says, you deserved it! Anyways she wakes up and says sorry once, kisses my wounds casually so that this incident doesn't go out and tells me thatn I left her with no other option?! Also I wanna say that it was not the first time I ever got beaten by her but this is one beating that I will probably never forget ( even if I want to!)
Its actually been too late and now am even tired of bitching about her. Though I've so much more to say. And pardon all the spelling error I made. I'm actually exhausted. Although, not many of you must have read it but those of you who did, I really appreciate it. Take care!

Wow! I'd venture a guess that your mother either has a drug/drinking problem or, at some time in her life, had a severe trauma - some kind of abuse. That's neither here nor there. The best thing you can do is work as hard as you can to move out of her house. I'm so sorry for your experience with her. You must be a good person with a big heart. After telling of such a horrible experience you wrote "Take care!". I like that.

Just curious but I noticed that you wrote, "by talking about my mom I don't wanna lose the few friends that I made". This is something I've never understood about people. Please enlighten me. I have a question for anyone reading this. Why are people so put off when you express feelings of resentment or pain from being abused, especially when it's your mother? It seems like they either feel they have the right to abuse you as well or they really dislike you because you've disowned your mother. I don't get it. I had a friend who had an abusive mother and I supported her as much as I could. Why do people act like they hate others who go through abuse? Why do they not want to be involved with them anymore? It seems to me that a good friend would be there for support and comfort. Why do people shun others who suffered so much? Someone please answer this question for me. I'm having a difficult time understanding this reaction.

Wow you just described my mother at least she never told you she ruined your life while looking you in the eye because you were trying to give her directions then still blames you and says that i need to learn how to treadlt people but besides that and then birth order you hit it dead on

im not sure about all of you,but maybe your mothers just feel cmfotable being themselves in ytour presesence.and mothers always feel the need to correct their children its a hard habbit to break,theve done it your whole lives,its hard to go from mother to friends,to let go,unless its downright abuse,try to understand,i cant live with my mother {im 48 by the way}because in her presence she is the boss,i just accept that, however shes not mean or cruel to me,honest yea,i just grin and bare it,mothers and grown children is a very difficult thing,me and my daughter cant be together for to very long i have to watch what i say,and if she says something i dont like well its time to get away from eachother,thats just how it goes,but we love each other,

"She annoys me beyond words. she nauseates me." If it's that bad, break ties. I know it's a horrible thing to say, but you're already in your thirties, and the tone of your story makes it sound like it lasted for many years, decades even. She's not going to change. And you don't need that kind of stress in your life.

My mother is the same way, I feel your pain. She still cant let me go and I am 22 living on my own. I let her stay at my place, and she ******* about my room not being 100% clean, or the dishes being put away, or about me not helping my 26 year old sister (who lives off of me) more!! I support her with a home and food!! The emotional bull is draining, and she is slowly killing my father and yet he wont leave. It is painful to watch. Nothing I have ever done in my life was good enough.

I hope you can mend your relationship somehow. But if not, than sooner or later, you'll have to say the two words you probably never wanted to say to a parent - "Get out". You have set off to build your own life, away from your childhood home. As my father always says: "you're under my roof, you do as I say. In your home, I'll do what you say". Lay down some ground rules, and if your mother can't accept that, than maybe it would be best if you parted ways.

that is my mom also! i am so frustrated i could scream and i have no one to talk to about this. the worst part is my dad witnesses my mother's behavior towards me and hangs his head and says nothing bc he is afraid of speaking against her. she plays us against each other. its ridiculous, and no one else sees it bc she is incredibly fake around people outside of us. so i end up looking like the bad guy. i am so afraid of exploding on her and ending up having no one on my side bc she is good at being the victim and making me look like i did something wrong. twisting my words or screaming over me when i talk. everyday...everyday...i am currently looking for my own place but its slow going...i dont know how to deal with this

You are not alone, I too hate the ***** that supposedly gave me life. I don't even call her mother any more. I know your feeling. One year ago, she told my husband and daughter that she lives her life as if I was deceased. It hurts ! But later I realized that she did me a favor. I now don't have to deal with her, cause I dead to her!

I had NO clue that anyone else on the face of the earth could have a Mom like mine. Every single way! And even though I know what she's doing, somehow it penetrates me and I STILL feel guilty WHILE I'm hating her!!!!!

OMG!!! You are my long lost sister! This is mine too, except mine is never sugary sweet and she's Asian....

Wow this thread is long, but I had to chip in and say I feel the same way. I feel guilty for feeling that way against my own mother, but I've got to the point where I don't want to spend any time with her. She is controlling, negative, never wrong and runs my family down. She says how hateful my father is when he gets irritated with her and expects me to listen to it all and explain why he's like that. I try and change the subject now and I've told her I'm sick of listening to it and if it's that bad she should just leave. She used to make comments about my appearance and my weight and it used to upset me a lot. If I got upset I was told I was too sensitive. Is it ok to poke fun and criticise someone these days??? If I ever got angry I was told I was a horrible person and if I ever cried I was a baby. Nothing is ever good enough. I don't even think she's happy for me when good things happen to me. I got fed up of taking it all last year and threatened to cut her off and she miraculously came around. I'm still close to it though. I don't need that amount of control and overbearing judgment pushing down on me. I beat myself up enough without having a control freak of a mother doing it.

I know exactly how you feel, sounds identical to my mother as well.

Thank you for sharing this. I feel much the same when it comes to my mother. However, at this point in my life I am realizing that forgiveness is key if I want to move on. Not sure how to forgive yet though.

run

Save yourself- she will never give you what a daughter deserves and you will only get further hurt.

And I don't mean it in a nice way eaither

My mother is very similar. She uses guilt to get what she wants. She is always the victim. I'm married, have two preteens and work full time. Yet I'm expected to entertain her and be her friend. I dont have time for myself after work, running to and from kids activities, and tending to my home. And she gets angry. I have an unemployed 23yr old brother that lives with her...but he cant be bothered...way too busy spending her money and playing video games. She says I'm her only friend and she's pushed all her friends away. Her happiness is in my hands...her words. Too much pressure I feel like vanishing..

lease try to get away- this pressure and guilt will eat you alive

I would tell her very straight forward, "You're going to be very disappointed if I am responsible for YOUR happiness".

they don't hear those truths- somehow you will still be blamed and responsible

When I was a teen my mother always compared me to other kids, always pointing out my flaws. Mother recently revealed the story of how she cut school, smoke, having boyfriends and she dropped out of school. yet she thinks she's an angel but doesn't go to church. she manipulates all her children and they are too scared to put her in her place. I am the only one that does and that makes me the bad daughter for pointing out she's wrong.

I too am a bad daughter and she is in utter disbelief that she bears any responsibility for how I feel or for the long term damage she has done

My mother is in her mid 60's now. It has only gotten worse as time goes by. She is a hoarder, a con artist, a user, a narcissist, a hypochonriac and a bottomless pit of issues. I could write a book about having to deal with her. I don't know if anyone has ever heard of the expression called, "De-fooing", but it's "de Family of Origin ing". In other words, completely writing off someone that is a member of you family of origin, or in some cases, the whole family. I am very close. Very, very close.

I have- and I wroter her a letter telling her why- she showed it to everyone in our lives and told my husband she had to to justify why she has nothing to do WITH ME!

That's nothing but a defense mechanism. Denial. Whatever you want to call it.

PLUS- she told people what I wrote were lies. Why would I send, to her personally," lies" only she & I know about- My husband and therapist said that anyone reading it would think she's an *** because that letter was for her only-everyone reading it will know it's true. Now she's starting on my kids- they barely tolerate her

I'll tell you Babz, I don't know your age or life situation, but I am 45 and due to BIG upcoming changes in my life, all for the better, I am at a point of cutting out all nonsense and bs from my life. The older I get, the more I realize I am responsible for every aspect of my life. Every. The sooner people accept that fact, the more happiness and satisfaction they create for their life. I have had to learn this the hard way that by having strings attached to others behavior and decisions that manipulated my happiness depending on how those strings were pulled. That makes you a slave to someone else. I have seen it in my profession, health care; people refuse to take care of themselves and get educated on health and stop depending on the BUSINESS of health care to save them. Everywhere you look, there is choice to captain your own ship.

i'm 50- married - 5 kids, a lawyer-i still hear that's it's my fault for all this-i try to cut out the bs- i really try- but conditioning runs deep- God bless on your great changes

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Sounds like my mum... though she'll get my brothers and sisters to join in as well, calling me unreliable and useless and all that...

I have the same personality typed mom. Except mine's is worse. you would'nt believe her. she's a fricking idior. first she thinks I'm 5 years old and she has to wake me up like 6 in the morning and she doesn't understand English. Well she doesn't listen to anybody talk and she's a *****. she takes away my stuff just becvause she's bipolat anmd does whatever she wants and shes a control freak. she thinks im still a three year old and shes a selfish ***** who doesn't know how I think of her. Shes a idiot and a stupid ******. omg. you think punishing me will make me not know your ******* secretS? no. it wont. thats because you're ******* stupd.

I know how you feel. You shouldn't feel ashamed of how you feel.
It's her fault..that may be harsh..but it's the truth. She should have been the adult in your relationship and given you all the things you needed from a mother. So that you could have looked up to her and loved her more than anything. I have a story in this group to though, ha. So I do know what it's like to have a mother you're ashamed to be born from. I hope that you'll be able to move on and not let her have any more control over your feelings.

I went to law school to please her- (I never wanted to be a lawyer- and have hated it for 25 years) She walked out of my Law School graduation because it was too humid and wrecking her hair. I got the damn degree (foolishly) thinking NOW- she will love me. She thinks I make a big deal out of nothing. That's just one example of 1000's of neglect, abuse, and contempt I have had at her hands

Sounds like both my mother and sister.

My mom is the same. Oh and yes, she thinks she is above the intelligence of every other human being around her but never has anything of substance to report during calls, mostly about how she is being mistreated at work, life has been unfaire to her, or I havent given her enough time and attention, when SHE feels like it, bc just like yours weeks could go by when she's totally uninterested in my life. OH and the silly purchases thing really got me too! LOL my mom purchased 5 coolers totalling $150 last time we had a storm, so she would be "prepared" Well we are on east coast and just went thru that hurricane Sandy... she literally lives 2 mins driving and 8 mins walking distance from a 7-11 and a grocery store- yet never went to get ice! THEN had the nerve to keep me on the phone for an hour crying and complaining that all her food had spoiled bc the power went out! When I reminded her of the coolers, and she could have got ice She angrily yelled that she was alone and "terrified" of going out to buy the ice, and she cant believe that no one would come to her aide. Especially me, with my dumper car and newborn and toddler, I should have drove out in the storm, brought her ice and saved the day. She calls my aunt to report how little I care for her, and that she will be old and poor and eating cat food and scraps bc no one loves her enough to come help her. Uggghhhhhh