My Mother Is CrazyI can't think of a single day when she hasn't yelled at me, screaming verbal abuse and making me feel worthless. She beats me, for the stupidest of things.
"You're so stupid" "I hate you" "F*** you" "you're a worthless bi*ch" "Get out" "I wish I could disown you" "I'm cursed to have you as a daughter" "You don't deserve me" "You're so lucky I'm your mother" "No wonder you have no friends" "You're ugly" "Nobody likes you" "I'm the only person you have" "Why are you so fat?" "Get your ugly face away, it makes me sad to know that such an ugly sh*tface is my daughter"
Just for the record, I'm 5'4, 100 pounds, I think I'm pretty decent looking (I've had boyfriends), and I have a wonderful social life. I'm much more open and outgoing at school, since it's like my outlet from what I have to deal with at home.
The other day, I got a 93% on my math test. Not a huge issue, right? But no. She beat me, telling me how worthless I am and how much she's sacrificed for me and how perfect she was when she was my age. She's went crazy, kicking me to the ground and grabbing a chunk of my hair and pulling it up and down, shoving my face against the ground and throwing things at me, beating me with a waterbottle. She gets mad because I'm not the teacher's favorite, because I'm not the best dancer on the team, because I got 2nd place at a piano competition, because I'm at risk of falling below the only acceptable GPA: 4.0. She expects a 2400 on my SAT, me to be an absolutely perfect child, President of ASB, #1 in every single thing I do. But there's only so much I can manage. I'm falling apart, breaking. I can't handle the stress of being an absolutely flawless child, because the truth is, I DO have my faults. She just doesn't allow it. She doesn't allow me to be any less than perfect, so naturally, I get beaten pretty much every day.
I've had to lie to friends about not being able to go to a party anymore because I was busy, when in reality, my mom wouldn't let me because I didn't read the email she sent me. She doesn't want me to be successful or good for my own sake, as she's actually openly admitted. She wants me to be perfect so it reflects well upon her. All she cares about is her OWN reputation, about bragging to her friends about the perfect child she produced. She tells me repeatedly that I can't embarrass her, and "how can I face my friends and tell them you got 2nd? You're hurting ME!" She doesn't give a sh*t about anyone but herself.
She's never apologized to me in my life. She's never attended a single dance performance or competition, a single piano recital or competition, or even one singing performance or musical. She says it's a waste of her time.
She plays the victim, even when she's the aggressor, the maniacally abusive parent, making me feel sorry for her when she's the one at fault. Once, she beat me for quite a long time with a pan, screaming in my face about how worthless I was and how she wanted me to die and go to hell. I started crying, and left to go do my homework. My dad came running up the stairs minutes later, saying that my mom was sobbing because I had hurt her feelings and I'd better apologize.
So I do apologize. I do pretend I'm sorry. But I'm never sorry. I never should be sorry. I've never done anything wrong. I really try hard to be a good person, but she says that I shouldn't be so nice to people. But then when I'm straightforward and determined to get what I want, she says I'm a bi*ch. She never admits she's ever wrong, even when everyone knows she is. She makes a fool of herself by being a bi*ch to others too, but she pretends that they were in the wrong. People are sorry that I have to deal with her. She really does get mad for no reason.
I've actually contemplated suicide several times. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is my baby brother. I love him so much, because he's what gets me through every day, the one person I couldn't ever forgive myself for hurting.
She never lets me follow the career pathway I want, but she's decided what I'm going to be. If I don't fulfill her wishes, she'll kill me. Maybe it's better that way.
I hate my mother. And I mean it.