It is a tough thing to admit, and for some years I thought of it as more of a love/hate - relationship. But there is little love left now. Only hate, frustration, anger and then finally guilt for hating her.
All my life I have been treated like some trophy that she can brag about to all her high society friends.
I had to have the perfect grades, the perfect hair, the perfect education, the perfect manners.
In many ways I hate both my parents for raising me so strictly. In many ways I lost my teenage years due to that strict parenting. And although they were pretty much equals when it came to punishment, I see that my mum also has this tight grip on my dad. He barely raises is voice anymore. He has been under her total control for too long. Now he has been reduced to almost this puppet that does whatever my mum decides, without a question.
A perfect example is the Christmas vacation of 2013.
I had seen a therapist for about a month by that time. And my therapist who tried to treat my social anxiety, told me that if I was thinking about going home for Christmas, then I shouldn't attend any parties. I should just relax. Enjoy my vacation. After all I do have a full time job.
Anyways, I called my dad in advance. Told him about what my therapist and I had discussed. He told me to come home. That it was okay I didn't attend all those parties. That I should feel free to do what I wanted.
Well, I told my therapist about the conversation. She okayed it. I then called my dad one final time to confirm and again he said I could do whatever I wanted (and by the way, it's a little strange to have to call and confirm stuff like that when you're in your 30s).
With that final conversation I came home. Only to find out that my dad had not mentioned our conversations to my mum at all. He had chickened out. I had to crawl and beg on my own, totally unprepared and of course my mum said no. But did my dad back me up? No he just stood there silently. And then a few hours later he came to my room and apologised. But that apology meant nothing to me. Absolutely nothing!
Not even my dad, who lives with this woman 24/7, dares to question her decisions. He has found out that in order to survive and not divorce her, he would simply have to let her be. So he ignores here rude comments, he ignores her annoying habit of always looking for flaws and mistakes in others, he ignores that nothing's ever good enough.
The problem is that she has this power over me. She has programmed this guilt into my mind over so many years, that if I dare to yell at her, the guilt and shame comes crashing down on me immediately. It's like she has this hold on me, and I can't get out.
I had a beautiful conversation with my aunt (my mums sister who is only 9 years older than me) and my grandmother. It was the day before I left home, to return to work.
I told them about last Christmas. I told them how I felt. Basically I told them everything. Things I've always wished I could tell my mum, but couldn't.
My aunt told me she would never have abandoned her kid, like my dad did with me. She told me that she would have fought for her kid. She called my dad a coward.
Then both she and my grandmother admitted that my mum should have been in therapy long time ago. That they had both seen the signs. That they had both seen how my mum dominated everything, and had total control over everybody in the family. And then finally my aunt said she was very happy that my little sister and I, were so different. Because had we not been, my little sister would most likely have had the same psychological issues that I struggle with today.
My little sister has always been able to fight back. And so my mother never got to control her, the way she controls me.
And thankfully that's most likely why my sister is healthy, and not sick like me.
Like I said, it was a beautiful conversation with my aunt and my grandmother. They have always tried to shield me from my mothers worst outbursts. I have always felt that they've been on my side, all the way back to my early teenage years and up until now.
My aunt has been more like a big sister, than an aunt. And understandably so. We are only 9 years apart. She was only 7 when my parents married. And with my little sister 6 years younger than me, my aunt and I naturally had more in common. And I am thankful to this day, for having her around.
Now she has 3 kids of her own. 3 smart and polite kids. All very active in sports and other social activities. I'm godparent to the eldest. She's special to me.
Anyways, the conversation ended with my aunt telling me to NOT come home this Christmas. She told me; "tell them that because you were treated badly last Christmas, you're not coming home this year. And if that's too difficult, find an excuse."
I feel in many ways, she is right. I should tell them. But I'm afraid the minute I do so, I cut the cord and I lose my dad, my sister, the rest of the family. And then the guilt will be too much to bear.
I have my first session with my therapist after summer vacation, tomorrow. Needless to say, everything in this post will be discussed. My therapist will not be surprised or shocked. After all my mum has been the main topic since November 2013, when therapy began.
And needless to say, my mum is against everything my therapist recommends.
I have an Achilles heal. I'm too nice. I don't know how to fight back. Don't even know how to yell at people, if they treat me like crap. And so if I get hurt, I hide it deep inside. I rarely show my emotions or open up, like I did with my aunt and my grandmother. And my mum knows that. And so I'm being used. Like last Christmas, when she said; "if you don't attend that party, you're disappointing your uncle". That was all she had to say, in order for my guilt to hit me in the face. And of course there was no turning back. I attended every party that Christmas, barely had any free time and certainly wasn't rested enough to get back to work. Basically everything my therapist and I had agreed upon, went to **** because of my mum and her control over me.
I don't know how I'm gonna be able to bring a girlfriend into this. No girl is ever gonna be good enough.
It feels like in order to live my life on my terms, I have to let her go. It seems to be the only way to make her sit down and take a hard look at herself. But that's a difficult thing to do. I don't know if I will ever be able to go through with it. But I'm gonna start by cancelling on Christmas 2014.
Skywalker1979 Skywalker1979
36-40, M
2 Responses Aug 20, 2014

Your plan to not go your family's house this Christmas sounds excellent. That's awesome too you got a chance to talk to your aunt and grandmother, and that they could verify your perspective.

It's like I could have written your story. Except, instead of my mother, it's my father who is abusive, and my mother is too scared to stand up for herself or her children. But my mother hasn't apologized. She instead hates on me for recently trying to stand up to my father. I refused to go to my family's house this past Easter, and after that everything fell apart and I'm pretty much disowned by the family. Not going to Christmas or any holiday after this.

You mentioned your sister, who spoke up for herself, wasn't controlled, and who didn't get sick. Reminds me of my younger sister. She was a spitfire, still is, and she didn't let herself get bullied, and she came out less scathed than my other siblings. I was the most sensitive snd obedient of my siblings, the most controlled, and I'm the one with PTSD and more issues than my siblings. I can totally relate to your story.

Your life will be much healthier cut off from the toxicity of your mother. I hope you keep standing your ground!

Thank you for that beautiful comment :) I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates a parent on EP.
In very sorry to hear you're involved with abusive parents. That's something I luckily was spared from having.
But a dominating and controlling parent is in many ways, psychologically abusive.
A parent instead find words and strict rules to shape you into almost a robot. You're brainwashed into this person who hasn't been taught how to say "no". Instead you've been taught that saying "no" only makes it worse, therefore saying "yes" all the time, is the only way out of a messy situation. And that means you say "yes" to all the things you really don't want to do.
Yes it was very rewarding to have that final chat with my aunt and my grandmother. I was finally able to vent, without being criticised for it. And it was so great to hear that everything I felt, they felt too and had felt for many years.
I also agree with you about being sensitive. It is often those who get sick, because they are easily manipulated and they don't take rejection well. Basically they are easily controlled.
I've always been a sensitive person. I have great empathy for others, I try to help as many people I can, even though I sometimes don't get that much help in return.
Usually those who share great empathy towards others, also are very fragile and they have a short path, between being sick and being healthy.
I'm not saying it happens to everyone, but it has happened to me. And I'm guessing you also know what I'm talking about.
Well I'm here if you want to talk. You can always message me and add me. Because people who struggle, need every friend they've got :)

I let my mum go ages ago, mine was always so difficult to deal with, closed off ALL family, i saw no one, and told me and my siblings that everyone was giving us death threats and were horrible people, and that we were never good enough for her expectations and we always disappointed her etc. A couple of years ago i decided to leave and be the biggest disappointment i could possibly be and i've never looked back. They say you only have one mum, but i can certainly say, it wasn't her.

Hmmm well you had the courage to break free. I still struggle to find it.
I can relate to many of the things you write about here. My family have many aunts and uncles on both sides of the family, not to mention cousins, that we haven't seen in about 10 years, due to my mum arguing with everyone. Even my grandparents on my fathers side hated my mum. It got so bad we had to visit them without my mother. So I can certainly relate to having someone close all contact.
But I find it difficult to break free from her control over me. Don't really know how I'm gonna do it. Hopefully my therapist have some advice.

It takes time to break free from something as heavily involved as a mother is, and not everyone can leave at the same time. It was less courage, more resentment for her and leaving for myself, knowing if i stayed, my life would only continue to suck, i did it cause i wanted to be happy, which i dont think is too much to ask! You will one day have the courage to break off, and its that day you will realise you don't actually need her, she is more of a drain on your life, making you FEEL that you cant live without, when the truth is you can but she doesn't want you realizing it! You will do it, whether it be now or tomorrow or next month, next year, there will come a time when you will take no more!!!

Thanks for your comments :) It's nice to see I'm not alone and that it is possible to break free in the end.

That's no problem, if ever you feel down or anything about this give me a message, cause there is light at the end of the tunnel, but if your ready, dont force yourself, cause in the end all that matters is your happiness and she will see when its much too late :)

Well you can message me if you're feeling down too. Friends help each other :)

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