I Have So Much Anger Towards My Mother
i seem to have come full circle in my feeling towards my mother. i have at times been forgiving, understanding, etc. but because she is so resistant to changing her own life and still has a negative effect on mine, i am back at anger.
i am an only child. my parents married at a very young age and for all the wrong reason. their marriage was over before it began, and by the time i came into the picture a couple years into it they finally realized it. my father was a serial cheater and pathological liar (or so my mother told me), but my mother got into drugs and alcohol soon after i was born. they are both from the east coast but had moved out to arizona after college. when things got really bad for my mother she packed us up and moved back to NY. my dad stayed in AZ where he lives to this day.
from the time i can remember, my mother bad-mouthed my father to me. she never gave me a chance to form my own opinions of him. i only saw him once a year, which was always a fantasy vacation, so i think i felt conflicted in my feelings toward him. i wanted to side with my mother b/c she was my primary care-giver, but i used to have so much fun with him and he seemed to genuinely care about me. also, he always paid his child-support on time. she never had to even take him to court or anything. eveytime she asked for more, he always gave her what she wanted.
to jump ahead somewhat, i ended up dropping out of college my sophomore year to move out to CA with a guy i had known for several years growing up and had dated on and off in high school. i found out after i was already out there that he was into drugs pretty heavily. long story short, i got into them too. i came home after a year, went into rehab, and have been pretty much back and forth between addiction and sobriety ever since, including many more rehabs and even two short stints in the county jail. this was all very disturbing to my family, mainly because i'm the only one to have these problems (at least to this extent). i grew up in a prominent jewish family with strong ties to the community. i was bat-mitzvahed at 13, graduated high school with decent grades, and was more or less a good kid.
i've been clean for a while again, but feel like i am stuck in huge rut. i never went back to college and never developed any kind of career for myself. i work as an exotic dancer which pays the bills well, but is emotionally and mentally draining. i have once again been analyzing how someone with as much potential as myself finds herself in this position.
the main thing i come up with again and again is the lack of support my mother gave me when i was growing up. at best, she was emotionally distant. at worst, she was verbally and emotionally abusive. i can't remember one time while i was in school that she ever asked if i had homework, had i done my homework, did i have any tests coming up, or how i did on a test if i'd had one. she never encouraged me to explore extra-curricular activities, and if i did get involved in something she was minimally involved. when i did something that she deemed unacceptable she screamed at me unmercilessly. she complained non-stop about her job at the state, which was actually a very good, well-paying job, and would use anything as an excuse to take out her anger and frustration on me. i believe my mother to be extremely self-absorbed and that she was completely unable to focus on anything other than her own perceived failings and subsequent misery. i also believe that she was actually jealous of me in some capacity, and would rather i didn't succeed. even now, she seems threathened during my times of sobriety, when i am actually able to experience some degree of joy. she seems esp. threatened/jealous if i tell her about a boyfriend or relationship b/c she has not had one in MANY years. after a car accident in the late 90's she finally had the excuse to leave her job that she always wanted and went out on disability. it was then that she really went downhill.
over the next several years she had a couple major back surgeries, and for a few years was going to a pain clinic where she started getting some serious painkillers. she's been on them ever since, including having a morphine pump IMPLANTED right into her abdomen! when i was growing up she wouldn't start drinking until 5 pm, but she drank every night. there were times when i was little that i would accidentally wake her up out of a drunken stupor. she would start mumbling incoherently and it was very scary. her addictions have so far been maintained legally by doctors. she claims to no longer drink, but even if she doesn't she's so over-medicated i don't think it would even make much difference. she's never hit any kind of a bottom, though, so she remains in denial that she even has any addiction issues. even after many hospital stays (after various accidents/illnesses) when drs. would try to get her to detox off all her meds so that her pain could be re-evaluated, she still clings to the denial that there is anything wrong outside of the physical issues.
in my opinion, her downward spiral has resulted in her becoming the total opposite of how she was when i was growing up. she used to be a tyrant, very aggressive. now she's so passive-aggressive, plays the role of victim to the point of wanting to throw up! after her father/my grandfather died last year she wound up in the hospital after OD'ing on pills. after that she seemed to have an awakening and started going to some group therapy sessions. she never actually admitted she was an addict or alcoholic, in fact she continues to separate herself from others who do classify themselves as such. however, the groups seemed to be having a truly positive affect on her. then she suffered a setback in the form of a hemorrhage in her eye. she couldn't drive so she stopped going to her groups. it never occurred to her to find alternate transportation. it was another convenient excuse for her to stop doing something she didn't want to do anyway (i.e. her job at the state).
i can't have anything to do with her anymore. even if she gets the help she so desperately needs, i still don't know if i can get past my anger towards her. at least if she acknowledged her insufficient parenting i might be able to resolve some of these resentments. i need her to do this if i have any chance of reconciling my feelings towards her and finally being able to heal myself.