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I Have So Much Anger Towards My Mother

i seem to have come full circle in my feeling towards my mother.  i have at times been forgiving, understanding, etc.  but because she is so resistant to changing her own life and still has a negative effect on mine, i am back at anger.

i am an only child.  my parents married at a very young age and for all the wrong reason.  their marriage was over before it began, and by the time i came into the picture a couple years into it they finally realized it.  my father was a serial cheater and pathological liar (or so my mother told me), but my mother got into drugs and alcohol soon after i was born.  they are both from the east coast but had moved out to arizona after college.  when things got really bad for my mother she packed us up and moved back to NY.  my dad stayed in AZ where he lives to this day. 

from the time i can remember, my mother bad-mouthed my father to me.  she never gave me a chance to form my own opinions of him.  i only saw him once a year, which was always a fantasy vacation, so i think i felt conflicted in my feelings toward him.  i wanted to side with my mother b/c she was my primary care-giver, but i used to have so much fun with him and he seemed to genuinely care about me.  also, he always paid his child-support on time.  she never had to even take him to court or anything.  eveytime she asked for more, he always gave her what she wanted.

to jump ahead somewhat, i ended up dropping out of college my sophomore year to move out to CA with a guy i had known for several years growing up and had dated on and off in high school.  i found out after i was already out there that he was into drugs pretty heavily.  long story short, i got into them too.  i came home after a year, went into rehab, and have been pretty much back and forth between addiction and sobriety ever since, including many more rehabs and even two short stints in the county jail.  this was all very disturbing to my family, mainly because i'm the only one to have these problems (at least to this extent).  i grew up in a prominent jewish family with strong ties to the community.  i was bat-mitzvahed at 13, graduated high school with decent grades, and was more or less a good kid.  

i've been clean for a while again, but feel like i am stuck in huge rut.  i never went back to college and never developed any kind of career for myself.  i work as an exotic dancer which pays the bills well, but is emotionally and mentally draining.  i have once again been analyzing how someone with as much potential as myself finds herself in this position. 

the main thing i come up with again and again is the lack of support my mother gave me when i was growing up.  at best, she was emotionally distant.  at worst, she was verbally and emotionally abusive.  i can't remember one time while i was in school that she ever asked if i had homework, had i done my homework, did i have any tests coming up, or how i did on a test if i'd had one.  she never encouraged me to explore extra-curricular activities, and if i did get involved in something she was minimally involved.  when i did something that she deemed unacceptable she screamed at me unmercilessly.  she complained non-stop about her job at the state, which was actually a very good, well-paying job, and would use anything as an excuse to take out her anger and frustration on me.  i believe my mother to be extremely self-absorbed and that she was completely unable to focus on anything other than her own perceived failings and subsequent misery.   i also believe that she was actually jealous of me in some capacity, and would rather i didn't succeed.  even now, she seems threathened during my times of sobriety, when i am actually able to experience some degree of joy.  she seems esp. threatened/jealous if i tell her about a boyfriend or relationship b/c she has not had one in MANY years. after a car accident in the late 90's she finally had the excuse to leave her job that she always wanted and went out on disability.  it was then that she really went downhill. 

over the next several years she had a couple major back surgeries, and for a few years was going to a pain clinic where she started getting some serious painkillers.  she's been on them ever since, including having a morphine pump IMPLANTED right into her abdomen!  when i was growing up she wouldn't start drinking until 5 pm, but she drank every night.  there were times when i was little that i would accidentally wake her up out of a drunken stupor.  she would start mumbling incoherently and it was very scary.  her addictions have so far been maintained legally by doctors.  she claims to no longer drink, but even if she doesn't she's so over-medicated i don't think it would even make much difference.  she's never hit any kind of a bottom, though, so she remains in denial that she even has any addiction issues.  even after many hospital stays (after various accidents/illnesses) when drs. would try to get her to detox off all her meds so that her pain could be re-evaluated, she still clings to the denial that there is anything wrong outside of the physical issues.

in my opinion, her downward spiral has resulted in her becoming the total opposite of how she was when i was growing up.  she used to be a tyrant, very aggressive.  now she's so passive-aggressive, plays the role of victim to the point of wanting to throw up!  after her father/my grandfather died last year she wound up in the hospital after OD'ing on pills.  after that she seemed to have an awakening and started going to some group therapy sessions.  she never actually admitted she was an addict or alcoholic, in fact she continues to separate herself from others who do classify themselves as such.  however, the groups seemed to be having a truly positive affect on her.  then she suffered a setback in the form of a hemorrhage in her eye.  she couldn't drive so she stopped going to her groups.  it never occurred to her to find alternate transportation.  it was another convenient excuse for her to stop doing something she didn't want to do anyway (i.e. her job at the state). 

i can't have anything to do with her anymore.  even if she gets the help she so desperately needs, i still don't know if i can get past my anger towards her.  at least if she acknowledged her insufficient parenting i might be able to resolve some of these resentments.  i need her to do this if i have any chance of reconciling my feelings towards her and finally being able to heal myself.

 

 

     

 

 

amylovesmilo amylovesmilo 31-35 24 Responses Mar 25, 2009

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thanks 4 your thoughtful response.

I'm sorry you have had to witness so much so young. The best thing you can do is move away from your mother or get child services to take you. This will be a difficult transition but one you will wish you had of advocated in your adult years. Your foster mother will not love you but she will support you. I dealt with many of these same issues as a younger girl only my mother was a childcare giver so I had to keep my mouth shut. I don't have anything to do with my parents now and have two beautiful children. I give them my all. Try and take from this experience what you can. I wish you all the success for the future. Take your life and re create it. I won't say it will be easy. It won't. Be the best you can be.

I either want to kill her or feel sorry about her because her own son(me) hates her

I can completely relate to your story and my mother sounds exactly like yours. I am 44 years old now and a mother of 2 teens and have done everything in my power to not repeat my mothers mistakes. It can be especially hard to watch those around you with close knit and caring parents get the love and support they need while you feel motherless. My best advice to you is to try and build a support system for yourself by having good friends that are like family. This can take time because not all friends are true friends, and in your situation you need to protect your sobriety. I wish you all the best and know you are not alone.

Okay so I just wanted to share my story because as I was reading yours it has triggered me. I am an African American female and I just turned 18 in March of 2013. I have had ill feelings towards my mom for quite some time but I really started noticing it when I first entered high school. My mom has always felt the need to be "hard" on me so I wouldn't end up like my older sister. My older sister didn't graduate from high school and she was very dependent on my mom. My mom always felt it was her fault for my sister's "failures" because she spoiled my older sister so she figured she had to do something different with me. I noticed in high school she didn't do things for me like she did for my sister. transportation became limited and everything I needed and wanted I had to do on my own. I didn't like the fact that I had to either walk or catch the bus to school but I didn't pay it much attention because I wanted to earn my high school diploma but it did get really stressful especially when constantly being nagged at about cleaning up when you come home. Then it's like every time we would get into arguments she would call me all types of ******* and hoes and just saying things that really would hurt my feelings. I just feel like she feels I am a big burden to her when I rarely ask her for anything. I have adapted to just depending on myself. She still pays my older sister bills and takes care of my sister's 4 kids yet she never acts that way with my sister. Part of me is really jealous of how my sister and her relationship is. It's a well known fact that my sister and her are really close. I just don't get why me and her are not close when I have done everything she has wanted to see me do. I have graduated from high school with honors and I am a soon to be college student in January and I'm still INDEPENDENT. She has recently kicked me out over a fight we had and even though she started the fight she wants to play victim. I know my story is probably all over the place it's just too much to type to begin with. Even after she kicked me out I tried to talk with her about counseling so we could try to better our mother daughter relationship and she never said anything it's like she doesn't care and it hurts because she attended counseling with my sister.

I Haven't really read your story, I just know that you hate your mom and I have the same feelings too. She's somewhat a good mom but she is hot-headed and It annoys me and when I'm confident to tell her that I have a low score because I'm really an honest kid, she would shout or tell me that I am not studying anymore and always focuses on playing. What she doesn't really know that no one could really cheer me up or inspire me this year to study well. I like my father a lot because when I tell him I have a low score, he say the same thing but in calm way and sometimes it's ok because he knows that people have "ups" and "downs". I also hate my mom because she is too very concerned about my looks, my cleanliness, I'm already 12 years old by she still take a bath of me every week!! And when I don't want to, she yells at me and my siblings and my father has nothing to do about it. I really hate her so much!!

I feel like my mom tries to seem like shes a good mom but she yells at me all the time and calls me names. I try to tell her that she's being rude to me but she just rolls her eyes. She acts like none of its a big deal but it is to me. I dont like hating her because I know she does thing for me. She treats my brother so much better than me and shes admitted she favors him. I guess i dont really hate her I just hate the way she treats me amd the things she says to me. I cant get out of here either since I'm not old enough but sometimes I need a break from her. Shes absolutely terrible. Im afraid to have kids for this reason, so afraid. I dont want to have kids and have them feel the way i feel towards my mom. im just ranting. but im done

I feel, EXACTLY the same as you

Wow, when i read this I thought, "She knows my mom!" I resent her for talking bad about my dad tot he point that I thought I hated him until I was a teenager and finally woke up from some of the brainwashing. I was the perfect child and never gave her any trouble, and instinctivly I knew that I didn't dare. When I became a teen I threw caution to the wind and rebelled against her. I think she could never really forgive me for not being her lackey my whole life. I think it was her dream to keep me in a co-dependant bubble, never having a life outside of her. She opposed my wedding and would not even help me pick out a dress. Every little girl dreams of going wedding dress shopping with her mother, but I think mine was too jealous to face it. I still don' understand her jealousy. i don't see how you can be jealous of your own child. I have a daughter now, and I pray and hope that she surpasses any of my meager successes. I worry though that someday she and I will follow the path my mother and I took. i am 37 years old and i just had a screaming match in the front yard with my 71 year old mother. WHY can't I control the rage. It took all I could do not to lunge at her. She told me that I am the sickest person she knows. Mentally I know that tht is the pot calling the kettle black, but emotionally she preyed on my biggest fear -- that I'm as demented as she is. I second guess everything I do and search every motive to see if I am being mean, selfish, unreasonable, etc. So great is my fear of being her. She always told me as a child and throughout my life why I did things. for example, if I said I loved her she would say I must want something or if I was nice to my dad she would say i was sucking up or if I had a fight with a friend she woud say I was possesive. Now, I'm never certain of my own motives. I struggle so hard to be a good person only to wonder if I'm being good just so I feel good and therein being selfish. Good Lord! How could one person screw me up this bad? Sometimes I wonder if I'll feel free when she dies. But, the grat irony is that the thoguht of her death terrifies me. What will I do without her? How twisted is that? Oh and did I mention that she lives 2 doors away still married to my father whom she has hated for 45 years. I just want the cycle to end, and I don't want to feel the rage anymore. Thank you for this chance to vent. God bless all of us children of the maternally challenged!

I completely understand how you feel. I'm so sorry your mother ruined any chance you had to have a good childhood. You ended your letter exactly right- erase your mother from your life. She adds nothing positive & is the wall that separates you from creating your own happiness. Until she's been clean & sober for *at least* one year, you shouldn't see or speak to her.
On another note, quit the exotic dancing. I speak from experience- it will only further suck your life dry. Sell newspapers on the street...wash people's windows @ red lights ;-)...do whatever you have to do to get the hell out of there. You'll never regret it.
We have two chances to have a great mother/child relationship. The first one we don't chose; the second, we get the chance to do it right with our own children. Create the life you want.

I cant forgive my mother i love her but she was never cut out to be a parent. I'm 22 and I am more mature than her. If she had the physical capacity she'd throw herself in the floor and have a tantrum and she just can't be helped. She is in the deepest denial I've ever seen i truly believe it's some kind of mental illness. Now Amy I'm sorry but what needs to happen is very difficult if not impossible. I have my suspicions but without face time i couldn't say with any certainty. Assuming it can be done The process of healing this situation is emotionally painful and generally avoided. Because the probability of success is 42% the chances of doing more harm than good are large. I'll tell you this though she knows she has issues and bringing them to light can cause one to distance themselves or respond in an aggressive manner. Talk with a therapist bring this article. do not feel as if seeing a therapist means mental illness that is far from the truth everyone should remember this. their purpose is to be a secret diary which offers support on the more difficult days.

I hate my mom too! :D

Please try to get back to your therapist. If your mother won't get your pills for you, talk to someone at school. Please. Some of what you describe might be teen angst, but not necessarily all of it. There are many different people you can go to for help at school: guidance counselor, nurse, favorite teacher, even the bus driver if you have to. Don't stop talking until you find someone who will listen. Your needs are important and if your mother or father aren't fulfilling them, find someone who will. You deserve it!!!

I'm 13 and I have dealt with depression for 4 years. I haven't seen my therapist in a while and I ran out of pills because my mother forgets to buy some. I'm pretty sure I have no reason to hate my mom, but I just do. I cry every night and she seems to be the main reason. She hardly knows me and my dad doesn't get the chance to know me. You can see it in her eyes that she doesn't like me either. when we talk it hurts as if someone is stabbing me. Sometimes I think it's me stabbing myself, other times it feels as if she's stabbing me.And I don't know why. I'm Christhian and I really want to love her again, and I'm sure I do, but now all I feel is anger, sorrow, and pain. Sometimes I become numb. She seems to be the most logical reason, she seems to be the key to my depression. I automatically feel depressed when I'm round her. Maybe this is just normal depression or teen stuff, but I need help. Bad.

You are not alone. Many people have such strong anger toward their parent(s) for various reasons. Some, of course I know names, have carrierd such anger since they were age 8, until they are well over 30 years now, married, and have children.



But guess what? They, not their parents, are the ones being locked behind the bars of emotional pison, experiencing the pains of anger, and being held far back into the past. Only one major thing you need to do. YOU MUST FORGIVE, even if your parent(s) refuse to admit or apologize. This is the way you can free yourself from prison, bounce high from the past, and launch yourself with joy, peace, and love into a brand new future that will boosom before you.



Anger can be compared to cancer because it eats inside your soul, dries up peace, joy, and love, and replaces these virtues with depression, loneliness, fear, and thoughts of death. I do not have anger, but I very strongly resist when I am ordered around.

I just wanted to give an update since I wrote this a LONG time ago. In June of 2010, my mother passed away. It opened up a whole new flood of anger, grief, sadness, etc. It seemed so cruel b/c I would never get to resolve any of the feelings I have towards her.



As the last commenter said, I do know that I need to let it go of this stuff. I've talked about it ENDLESSLY with therapists/counselors. I even went to grief counseling after she died. I don't know why I struggle so much with being able to forgive her. I know that she was just part of a larger cycle, and that her mother damaged her, too. It's hard b/c everyday I recognize an issue I have and can directly trace it back either to how she treated me, or learned behaviors that I got from her. Sometime I wonder if insight is all it's cracked up to be. I guess it's good that I can recognize these things, but b/c I have so much trouble changing or working through my issues, I get mad at mother b/c I am such a product of her!



One last thing to give you some more insight into why I might hate my mother, and to show you what kind of person she was. My mother never discussed her finances with me or her will or anything like that. So when I found out that I was disinherited, it came as a complete shock. I never did anything to her to deserve such a blatant slap in the face. I'm her ONLY CHILD! I turned out the exact same way she did, just that I abused street drugs instead of prescription drugs, That's the only difference! She had legal trouble, too; maybe not quite to the same extent, but she got into trouble, too, and my grandfather always bailed her out of it. Supposedly, he was the one that "suggested" she cut me out of the will b/c he didn't want me to get any more of his money, which was the only money she had. They are both gone now, and I'm being punished for something that I learned from her! If it didn't make me so mad, maybe I might be able to laugh at the irony of it all.



Also, I am finally back in college. I have just completed my second semester, about to start my third. It is only towards an Associate's Degree, but you have to start somewhere, right? Unfortunately, I am still working in the adult bookstore, but at least I am working towards my future for the first time in almost 20 years.





Thanks to everyone for all the comments. Keep them coming!!!

Right.... amma be honest here.... Lemmie introduce maself. Im Charlie and Im an addict. Im an addict that also hates my mum.

Eventually you have to make a decision to let that stuff continue to be toxic to you or let it go. You have the choice. Keeping hold of painful sh;t just ensures you will use again. You know this. If you arent ever gonna get resolution with your mother you need to let go. Maybe, if the cycle still continues, you need to remove yourself from her.... Cut off the pain at the source...

You can achieve whatever you want. You do your job because it pays well.... But it cant be great for your self esteem in the long term.

*hugs*

i have so much anger with my mother because,when something happens

@ home she try to expose it every body out and they will be aware of what is going on at your home.And people get say you don't respect your parent at home and they get to know your weak point

My mother has been in denial for 29 years of my life, we are originally from Iran, therefore, me, my older brother and both my parents were born in Iran, however my younger brother was born and raised here in the US. my parents were born and raised in Iran and my older brother went to school and I was a baby still so my schooling was done in the US. Im for the most part americanized but not ignorant, my mother lives in a bubble, of drinking, smoking, watching her soap operas, constantly spends endless hours emailing my father, which my father literally laugh at, he is a nut job himself, my mom has been in a functional coma all my life and completely oblivious to the impact she makes in any situation and chooses to undermine what her kids have suffered thru this huge ordeal which have come out emotionally and mentally damaged and angry for the pain they have been thru. Which, have not received any kind of understanding and acceptance from our own parents for the dysfunctional upbringing we have been thru. It is clear on a day to day basis, that my mom is trapped because of my younger brother who is another victim that has and still suffers the most from the abuse of the upbringing that my mom chooses to be completely in oblivion and denial for. she married my dad, and then later on realized after she gave birth to 3 kids and after my dad decided to get up one day and leave to never come back, she then realized that he was an *******. The only problem with that is she never wants to accept the pain, hurt, and anger, suffering she has caused her kids, I get very anger at her, and wish she just would disapppear to never return! What bothers me the most is that She is completely blind, dumb and ignorant and oblivious from anything and any problem she has caused me, my younger brother and my older brother emotionally, mentally, verbally ! She never wants to admit to any responsibilty for any of her actions. She is a huge part of my anger and problems as she watched my dad abuse me verbally, emotionally, mentally and phsyically for a good part of my life, there have been instances that my dad beat me soo hard his fingers were burned onto my face for a week while going to school, when I bring up that instance among many others she chooses to deny it ever occurred when I know it happened. She could of done something to change our lives for the better, but makes excuses for her reasoning. She makes me feel like Im crazy to bring it up or feel any form of pain and anger towards her for everything Ive been thru, there were instances I could have died, thanks to her, but she never admits fault. Frankly, she is from Iran, all I wish is for her to go back to never return and to leave me alone in the process. I don't want to communicate or see her! now that my dad has been gone for two years, which I have dealt with all her ups and downs, as well as my own health problems, as I recently in the last year developed an autoimmune disease out of the blue. My mom came back home from Iran to be there for me, but everytime we were in the same room, all she did was talk about my dad 24/7! And it was like that for 2 years, I would ask her to stop talking about my dad and not cause my unneccessary stress but she still choosed to bring up my dad 24/7, on every holiday, event, outing etc.... the last two years she has thrown everything on me, and I have been strong enough to deal with everything now, Im tired, and emotionally and mentally drained with everything! The abuse my parents caused, the dysfunctional upbringing, the two years of my moms ups and downs everything. everytime I confront her, she always says the same thing, she claims she never did anything wrong and constantly makes excuses for herself. If She never did anything then how come Im sooooo angry at her for the life I had. All I ever wanted from her is to accept and acknowledge the choices she made that impacted her kids emotional and mental well-being. She never wants to admit to the abuse I have been thru, and the financial help she has given me seems to be the only thing she uses to justify everything. It is just another excuse, to undermine my own pain and suffering. She acts as if i don't have a right to be angry at her when I have been thru hell and back 8 times at least because now she gives me money, so automatically I have to pretend nothing ever happend. She has a million excuses for why she choosed to let us live with an abusive father our whole life, now that we are all grown up she filed divorce, but my dad still supports me and my younger brother, once my dad found out about the divorce, he emailed me and my brother to let us know he wasn't willing to help us due to my mother's absent-minded desire to divorce my father and not inform us of this decision which will impact us financially! She left us out in the dark, not communicating her plans. She was another fuel for the fire, because I almost lost money I needed. . My life has been no walk in the park, and the minimal things I asked from her like a washer and dryer for my home, she isn't willing to even buy or purchase and put my mind at ease. she is not willing to buy me something I want after everything I have been thru, I at least feel I deserve my mother to take me into a store, to buy me something that is a necessary and to purchase it for me for once in my life, without having to beg her! And when she does something, she takes it back within a minute after she does it, and makes excuses for her reasoning to return, such as we got into a fight, so now she wants to punish me by undoing what she did for me. Which I feel I deserve greatly after everything and the life I have had. Thanks God for the brilliant brain and mind I was given I was able to be strong and resilent enough to break thru everything and be able to move forward, but the pain and anger towards my mom holds me back because she isn't willing to understand and acknowledge anything. The abuse I suffered from my parents due to a dysfunctional family, while always trying to stay strong and resilent all my life thru all the pain and suffering Ive been thru! On top of that, trying to be there for her when my father left for 2 years,after 30 some years of marriage while putting my own health at risk at the same time for the amount of stress and pressure I have been thru. I would write more, but it belongs in a book, as write now I feel I could write a book of many chapters to fully explain in detail the cause of my anger and pain. Any advice, and words of wisdom is appreciated as I now feel numb from all the pain and anger that has been built up for years and years of abuse.

yes, i believe that's a big reason why i feel the way i do about marriage, too. my mom's been divorced twice, with one actually being an annullment (sp?) b/c it only lasted 4 mos! now she's been alone for going on 20 yrs. hmmm, i wonder why...

My mother has completely different memories of my childhood then what my brothers and I have. The only resentments I have are toward my mother. All it would take is acknowledgement and/or an apology to mend my heart. I am afraid I will never get that. We went through 4 divorces with her. I am 39 and never married. Sometimes I wonder if that is why.?

No, she won't acknowledge, and nor will she ever change. People die like they live. I can relate to just wanting nothing more than a simple acknowledgment, but know that it won't come. Forget the conventional wisdom of doing what you can, or being the bigger person. Let watching the downward spiral be your resolution. Embrace how you "really" feel and don't feel bad about it. You're entitled that. Don't fall for the emotional/religious blackmail of feeling obligated to give a damn.

She will probably never ackknowledge her shortcomings. I don't blame you for wanting that kind of closure, though. I do too, but know I won't get it. You should get away from her before she pulls you down with her. You've got enough of a fight on your hands with battling addiction. I'm rooting for you.

I have the same feelings... but it get worse when you become a parent and realize u want to make it better but your don't know how cause the only example you have is a really bad example...



I remember my mother always talking bad about my dad, and then spending time with him and knowing that she was a total liar...

My brother developed hate and resentments towards my step mother and my step sister... He has not heal yet.

I hate my mother too :) and i get so jealous when i see my friends mothers, cuz they are so incredibily nice and i wish i had a great family not a seperated one, BUT anyway life HAS to be hard even if it's not it will soon or later EVERYONE has its own problem, rich people, poor, stupid, nice, bad, smart, small, tall, black, white whatever. everyone..