38 Years of Bull Sh*tHate is probably too strong of a word, but it's pretty freakin close. Long story short; my mother had me at 19. Somehow this is my fault and I have never heard the end about what she had to sacrifice for me. I have frequently been told by her that I "didn't like to be held. So I just left you on the couch and let you cry." As a teen I developed a huge phobia of being touched, partially because my mother so frequently told me that story. What infant does not want to be held? It took me until my adult hood to realize that my mother just was unable to comfort me. She could not help me stop crying so she would just leave me. As I got older she would just make me cry, berate me and then leave. She would not let me biological father see me. She got remarried to a wonderful man, whom she got to adopt me, illegally so my 'real' father wouldn't find out. My father(step) was the best thing that ever happened to me, he taught me how to behave in a social setting, he made me laugh. Of course, my mother would get jelous and I would be sent in my room. She also spent years telling me my 'real' father didn't want me and that's why he left her. Later I found out the truth. The only person who didn't want me was her. She never told me I was pretty, or smart or worth it. She told me she didn't think I would date anyone because I was too fat. 5'6", size 8 fat, btw, which turned into major eating disorders. Funny, same for my sister, who I distinctly remember my mother putting her on a diet when she was, ready for this, 5. She screamed at us everyday. She would scream at me, follow me into the bathroom and make me so upset, I would throw up. Then she would scream at me for 'faking it.' Blood curdling, lip curling, snarling, mean, spit or slap you in the face screaming. I am not kidding. Here are the many ways we were woken as a child: 2 am tuesday school night, I am in sound REM sleep. Bright light on, mom screaming (and I mean screaming) clean your f'in room. Mom swiping her arm over every available flat surface so everything falls to the floor, then continuing to yell at what a slob I was. OR Bright light on, some random cup that was left on the counter thrown in my face, (with juice in it,) of course some more screaming. OR how about the 6 am, wake up call; "GET the F up, I've been up for hours and you need to do work around the house." (6 am mind you); shades up, door opened walking in and out of my room invading whatever little privacy I had. Would walk in while your going to the bathroom, just to break down as many personal boundry's that she could. She told my siblings I hated them. She treated them bad too, but I got it the worst. I have had strangers stop my mother to tell her to be nice to me in stores, she would spit out some venom at them and walk away. When she and my father(step but adopted so real) got divorced, when I was around 28, all she did was tell us lies about him. And if it wasn't a lie it was something so inappropiate to tell your children. She caused all of us to have a huge divide with dad, and loved every minute of it. She is self absorbed and only thinks about herself. Recently, actually while my sister and I took my mother out to a nice dinner for mother's day, she made sure to tell me, "i was a loser because no one wanted to date me." I am 38 and have trouble maintaining a boyfriend partially because I don't think I am worthy enough to date anyone. My mother never naturally hugged or kissed me. My mother never tells me she loves me. I am a strong person, and sometimes think that G-d gave me this burden because I can handle it while maybe someone else could not. However, when she told me today that all I care about is the inheritence I am going to get from her and that I do not love her, I don't think I can handle it much more. This is the tip of the iceberg.
court111 36-40, F 77 Responses 24 Aug 27, 2007