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38 Years of Bull Sh*t

Hate is probably too strong of a word, but it's pretty freakin close. Long story short; my mother had me at 19. Somehow this is my fault and I have never heard the end about what she had to sacrifice for me. I have frequently been told by her that I "didn't like to be held. So I just left you on the couch and let you cry." As a teen I developed a huge phobia of being touched, partially because my mother so frequently told me that story. What infant does not want to be held? It took me until my adult hood to realize that my mother just was unable to comfort me. She could not help me stop crying so she would just leave me. As I got older she would just make me cry, berate me and then leave. She would not let me biological father see me. She got remarried to a wonderful man, whom she got to adopt me, illegally so my 'real' father wouldn't find out. My father(step) was the best thing that ever happened to me, he taught me how to behave in a social setting, he made me laugh. Of course, my mother would get jelous and I would be sent in my room. She also spent years telling me my 'real' father didn't want me and that's why he left her. Later I found out the truth. The only person who didn't want me was her. She never told me I was pretty, or smart or worth it. She told me she didn't think I would date anyone because I was too fat. 5'6", size 8 fat, btw, which turned into major eating disorders. Funny, same for my sister, who I distinctly remember my mother putting her on a diet when she was, ready for this, 5. She screamed at us everyday. She would scream at me, follow me into the bathroom and make me so upset, I would throw up. Then she would scream at me for 'faking it.' Blood curdling, lip curling, snarling, mean, spit or slap you in the face screaming. I am not kidding. Here are the many ways we were woken as a child: 2 am tuesday school night, I am in sound REM sleep. Bright light on, mom screaming (and I mean screaming) clean your f'in room. Mom swiping her arm over every available flat surface so everything falls to the floor, then continuing to yell at what a slob I was. OR Bright light on, some random cup that was left on the counter thrown in my face, (with juice in it,) of course some more screaming. OR how about the 6 am, wake up call; "GET the F up, I've been up for hours and you need to do work around the house." (6 am mind you); shades up, door opened walking in and out of my room invading whatever little privacy I had. Would walk in while your going to the bathroom, just to break down as many personal boundry's that she could. She told my siblings I hated them. She treated them bad too, but I got it the worst. I have had strangers stop my mother to tell her to be nice to me in stores, she would spit out some venom at them and walk away. When she and my father(step but adopted so real) got divorced, when I was around 28, all she did was tell us lies about him. And if it wasn't a lie it was something so inappropiate to tell your children. She caused all of us to have a huge divide with dad, and loved every minute of it. She is self absorbed and only thinks about herself. Recently, actually while my sister and I took my mother out to a nice dinner for mother's day, she made sure to tell me, "i was a loser because no one wanted to date me." I am 38 and have trouble maintaining a boyfriend partially because I don't think I am worthy enough to date anyone. My mother never naturally hugged or kissed me. My mother never tells me she loves me. I am a strong person, and sometimes think that G-d gave me this burden because I can handle it while maybe someone else could not. However, when she told me today that all I care about is the inheritence I am going to get from her and that I do not love her, I don't think I can handle it much more. This is the tip of the iceberg.
court111 court111 36-40, F 79 Responses Aug 27, 2007

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I'm sorry and you deserve a better mother than that. I'm pretty sure you are worthy of dating and no one is better than you so leave that mother of yours in the past and move on. Start a new life and heal. Hopefully if you find the right people in your life

My friends mum told her that her real dad didn't want her when she was 6 years old and that is why he left cos he wanted a son. She found out years later that he had been trying to contact her through her grandparents as her mum didn't have a phone then. They told him that he had left the family and had no right to phone. She was 25 when she found that out.
My mum was not as bad as you but she told me that I would end up in a room alone. I live in a lovely flat and have friends who care so she was wrong about that.

When she was depressed I would ask her out for a meal and she would answer "why do you want to go out with your mother?"

The problem is her and it is nothing that you have done. Why don't you add me to your circle and we can talk some more.

Hugs xxx

Horrible people usually don't get better with age. There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from people who hurt you. (No matter who they are) Being an egg donor, or a ***** donor does not automatically command love or respect.
Would you stick your hand in an open flame over and over again, knowing you would get burned every time? Then why keep up this self destructive relationship with your egg donor? You deserve better. Opening up and telling her (or writing her) exactly how you feel may help you heal. Then know your emotional boundaries, when it comes to your relationship with her (it you choose to continue a relationship). If you can only emotionally handle a 5 minute phone call once a month.... once a year.... what ever. Also, Lay down the "rules" with you egg donor, stand up for yourself. Tell her "If you call me names or belittle me, this visit is over"... etc.
Your first responsibility is to mentally heal , so you can great the world in a healthy and positive manor.
Continuing this self destructive relationship helps no one.

You are worthy of dating anyone. Nobody is better than you are. Nobody.
I have a mom who just hates me so much,I cried so often when I was young that my pillow was called my "tear pillow" for all the tears spent sobbing into it asking God for help. Well. It took years but my life is so blessed now. I know God was listening and waiting until the right time. Your burden may someday be a gift if you can use your past to become strong and loving.

I'm sorry. I had similar experience just different details. I was told over and over that I was a child of rape (later I found out was a lie) and that she never could climb the corporate ladder because of me, or meet another man because of me ) In my case it's made it almost impossible for myself to date women. I love women, but I always pick a carbon copy of my mother (which never appears so in the beginning). I've thought of ending my life many times. It's hard to be stuck hurting as a child somewhere still in my mind as a 42 year old man. I've gotten a lot of therapy but sometimes I wonder if broken is broken :(

i hated my mother since i was 12 and have not liked here even more at the age of 21.My mom belittles me and doesn't think I am cable of anything in life. I have a disability and she was just yelling at me and saying that i was messy and fungus was growing in my back pack. i plan on moving out as of nexyt year anyway so it does not matter.

Wow guys. I'm in a similar boat. I'm 44 and just now getting therapy to deal with the lack of boundary issues, verbal and physical abuse I've endured at the hands of the "biological birth-giver." she doesn't deserve to be called a mother. I have only just begun to deal with the emotional trauma wrought upon me and my younger sis because of this woman. Hang in there everybody. Get help if you can.

Also... She days we are low on money, we need to save for the essential... MOTHER ******* ***** YOU JUST BOUGHT A MACINTOSH AN IPHONE 5AND 200 ******* DOLARS ON A PAIR OF SHOES

Seems like a *****, my mom says she is perfect yells at me 4 no rson wonders why everyone hates her, I JUST GOT PUNISHED BECAUSE THAT ***** THINKS RESPONDING TO HER IS BEEING INSOLENT(if you dnt know, thats how a conversation goes). She smashed a pic of me and her kicked me into my room and threw a GLASS CUP at my face WTF! So many other things I would spend my day typing. THE NICEST DUDE IN SCHOOL CALLED HER CRAZY DEVIL. Thats just how bad she is...

I didn't know it continued after the age of about 25. Kill me. I hate my mom too. I wish you the best of luck with her and remember that you ARE that good. You are successful, smart, beautiful, and worthy. This is just testing your endurance.

I'm glad I found this site. I can relate to every word, every line.
My mother hates herself, me, her whole life. It is a shame, because now I feel like I don't ever want to be a mother for fear that I will end up like her.
I too am in the same house and she woke me up in the middle of the night today saying that I hid my makeup, and she should be able to use it because she pays the rent, etc. She came in and took it and started using it. No boundaries. Then I took it back. And then she went into her tape-recorded tirade: "Wow, they really messed you up (society), look at the Gardasil and flu shot they really cooked you up. You're the reason my other children are lost, they look to you. The oldest. You're the reason I am bankrupt. You destroyed everything. We are going to have a talk when I come back. Remember when you were a child? Yes, look what happened to you now."
I've heard it all before.
Everything she could possibly throw at me, she did. I've choked her before, she's punched me in the face and threatened me verbally ("I'll destroy you") and physically.
I am 29, and I've had to endure this my whole life. My dad left when I was 13. You can guess that I don't know how to have a relationship. I'm on medication, and I think that's the only thing preventing me from committing suicide (tried twice before).
It's sad, but FRIENDS. Friends are the escape valve. If not for friends, I would have been dead already. Talk to your friends and even better a counselor. Don't share anything with your mother, because she will never understand, and do everything possible to ruin your plans to get better.
I am pretty certain she has borderline personality disorder and lovingly passed on her bipolar disorder as well to me.
It hurts, it's very real. You must connect with others and know that other people are going through what you're going through.
I hurt like hell right now, but I still made arrangements to go and stay with a friend.
I've done this about 2 or 3 times now.
I'm almost 30, but I might as well be 12...Suicide is just not an option. There is help.

Dont do anything for mothrs day! See when she is old and in care and needs you most. Leave her. I am a christian and try to forgive but there is some things you cant.

if i was in you spot i would just leave her.if she dosent care about you,she wouldnt comeback looking for you have no contact pretend you dont no her

I can relate. I am 54 and I still suffer the results of the very things you describe. Painful. thank you for sharing your story it helps to know I am not alone, but it makes me sad that so many of us have suffered in this way.

I can relate. I still don't feel comfortable sharing my personal story, but reading yours gives ppl like me a voice. Thank you.

I can relate. My story is very similar to yours except that my mother worships the ground my sister walks on and treats me like I'm the scum of the earth. My mother also told me I didn't like being held (but my sister, her favorite, did. Go figure). She said I liked being by myself. Funny, I don't remember wanting to be alone when family members I loved and actually loved me back were around. Every bad thing that ever happened in this woman's life is my fault. Nothing I ever do is right. She criticizes me at every opportunity, then blames me for our crappy relationship. My mother never hugged me either. Never said I love you unless I said it first. I decided when I was 8, I wasn't going to say it to her anymore. She has NEVER told me she loves me since then. I'm 41 now. I never feel like I measure up. Always feel like I don't matter, that no one will ever be interested in me or that if someone is interested, I don't have what it takes to keep them interested. I grew up being told that I have nothing to offer. I'm stupid. All I'll ever be good for is making babies or selling my body. I hate my mother. I believe that when she dies, I will cry simply because of the relief from not trying to have a guilt induced relationship with her. I want nothing to do with my mother, but definitely want to do something about the hatred I feel. Ultimately it hurts me more than it does her.

My mother couldn't care less what I think or feel about her...if she did, she would have treated me better. You don't owe your mother anything. Drop her and find people who recognize you for the beautiful person you are inspite of the witch who raised you.

I can't believe how many people have experiences so close to mine. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone and I am glad that your step father was able to help you. I have so much love and support but the damage your mother does while she has you alone is the unmistakably damaging. I am thirty and I was alone in the car with her on a Christmas vacation while she began hitting me and running through stop lights. I lied to the courts as kids because she said if I told the truth I would end up in foster care and she would be in jail. That is so untrue because I have plenty of loving relatives who would have loved to take 8 year old me in. Even though she convinced me as a child they wouldn't take me and even as a teenager I was so angry I believed I didn't deserve it. I wish we had a web forum back then so I could know I was not alone. She used to hit me and then call the cops to say that if I didn't listen to her I would go to juvenile hall. Little did they know I was being relentlessly "spanked" before they arrived. My grandfather moved in when I was 17 and I experienced almost a full year of unconditional love. I did so well with school and friends. It was short lived as I turned down an expense paid college experience to move in with a boyfriend who beat me and put me down as much as my mother. I am in college now finally and hardly supporting myself. I am not dating any losers and hanging out with friends. I haven't seen her since NYE and that damaging vacation. Hopefully I will be able to resist her guilt trips and abuse for the rest of my life.

A lot of your experiences mimic mine. Move on with your life (no contact with mom) and whatever sanity you have left. Always know that you are more than enough...just the way you are. No need to continue trying to have a relationship with her...she will never change. You need to take care of yourself, first. Trust me, you are lovable and desirable to the right person(s). Don't waste your time/life on those who want to break your spirit.

My mom had been abusing me since I could remember untill I was in middle school or until I can stop her abuses. She's been bullying and harassing me until now. She even bullies me on Facebook. She also bullies my husband, harasses him and she once bullies my kids because she was mad at me. When I was 3 years old to 12 she pulled my hair, hit me with a tree branch, broom and other thing she could think of to beat me with. She used to beat me up for hours in the locked bathroom, tight me up with a robe on the front porch to embarrass me ( I used to live in Indonesia, the Country that wouldn't do nothing for child abuse case). Scratches, swollen and bruises was a regular thing for me. When she had a fight with my dad she would threatened my father that she would hurt me. Sadly my father is a weak person and he couldn't do anything to defend me. My mom also abuses my father. She harasses him, throw glass and plates to him, verbally abuse him and physically abuse him as she did for me. To my brother she verbally and physically abused him a little. But not to my sister. I think verbally abused her a little because that's her character and personality I guess. But I never think she hates my brother or my sister as she hates me and my dad. I am a person that saved by Christ's love though it's still hard for me to forget my pass and to love her. I am trying really hard to forget it but what she will do it over and over until this time to hurt me and to hurt my husband, so it's really hard for me to forget it. I already forgave her but the pain is still there and I am still hurting. I pray so God can heal me completely, so beside forgive I also can forget and be healed inside. I also pray for you so God can touch and heal your heart and release His love to you so you can forgive your mom and forget what happened. It is impossible for me and you to forgive her and to forget the bad things she's been doing in our life but it is NOT impossible for God. I hope you can find peace in your life as I pray the same for myself too. Amen!

I think my mother was a blood relation to your mother. Very similar behavior. However, in public we were the "perfect" family and God take mercy on you if you ever did anything that might not uphold that image. We lived with a code of silence that makes the Mafia look like pikers. The mantra that got drilled into my head (and my sister's head as well) was that we had the most perfect, the most beautiful, the most intelligent mother in the world. I think I grew up with a form of Stockholm syndrome.

This sounds similar to my life the only difference is that I was adopted. I was not hugged or told that she loved me. We have been arguing about the Power of attorney, it is my younger cousin who is her blood relative. It is not about the money it is about RESPECT. Your mother and my mother wnt to control every aspect of our lives. I take one day at a time and she finds ways to upset me it has become a game, it hurts and I cry often but at 42 I have learned to love children unconditionally that is why I have been a teacher for 15 years. I do not want any child to go through what I have experienced from my mom. You are not alone !

600 miles from my mom at 17. 3000 at 36.

Please look at my story and comment. It is much like this one, and I can sympathize for this person. Having to do something that charges yourself something that your mom did an Dane says you did it is maddening,

your story is SO similar to mine! and one of the common phrases i use when describing things to my friends is "tip of the iceberg". i feel you sooooooo much. i would type everything out, but it would take FOREVER. but i know so well the feeling of retching because you have been yelling and crying so hard to drown out your parents' screams. it was so awful, and it still haunts me to this day. i recently had to cut her out of my life it just got too painful and i have been wanting to die ever since. please, let's be online friends! i will tell you more if you are interested, and i will ALWAYS be there for you!

(mean to put a period after "out of my life" and before "it just got too painful)

You're so strong! Keep your head up. God knows what he's doing.


No I would not try and continue this relationship... it lacks love, warmth, caring, thoughtfulnes, kindness, fun, happiness, laughter, support, etc etc. By staying in this relationship it sounds as if the dysfunctional dynamics will just continue, so all your energy will be converted to negative energy trying to deal with this (dead end sorry) relationship with good relationships that are positive pass you by. Good Luck xxxx

Good for you for not letting her completely drag you down! I too have my story, so I don't want to say too much here. Mayu you find the peace that you need to develop loving, healthy relationships. :-)

Thank you

You know guys, seems to me that many stories are similar, I had crazy woman in my life, my friend did too and we are good friends and both are losers in social life included with girls so I guess we had similar impact in our lives. So this social abnormality has to be tagged, named, classified and paid attention on. We (or somebody else) has to take action to unveil this matter, take it with all seriousness and try to prevent future happening in other families and find the ways to heal those kids, even if they are 38 already. This can not keep happening that way anymore. We have to be heard, not hidden.

this definitely has a name~it's emotional abuse!