Too Many Painful Memories Of Her Nastiness

Where to begin? Before I do though, I just want to say that I think this is going to feel really good sharing my experiences of my mum. I also know that my mum is a woman fuelled by a lot of fear and her own never diagnosed mental problems. NOT that this makes what she has done ok but it can help me to understand where her crap comes from. She is a real jekyll and hyde.

Ok... so as a child if I did anything she thought needed punishment, she would take great pleasure it seemed, by fetching a belt or walking into the garden to get a long stem from a type of bush and then proceed to whack me a few times across the backs of the legs with it. She was clever though, as she never quite managed to hit me hard enough for the marks to be there by morning. I used to pray they would stay.

My parents took the locks off the bathroom and toilet doors so we couldnt escape their punishments. One day I wedged myself into the small toilet - with my back against the door and feet against the toilet and it worked, I was safe. She then coaxed me out by promising not to hit me and I believed her. Mistake!!

When I was 19 and if I did anything she didnt like or dated someone she didnt like she would threaten to throw me out of the house. You may think its a wonder I didnt just leave - major problem being, that she and my dad brought me up with a deep sense that the world was unsafe and no one could be trusted, and because from the age of 17 to 19 I had been dealing with major anxiety, agoraphobia, depression and panic attacks, I was still very scared of the world and I did not have the self belief that I could manage alone. So there I was trapped. I so desperately wanted to get away from them but I was too scared to do it.

She has said the most cruel things to me over the years and she has hurt me time and time again and you know... it took me a long time to stop expecting her to change. Now, at least I finally learned - she will NEVER stop hurting me. She may have her sweet days but the evil side of her will be back. I will never be as hurt again by the disappointment of her proving my hope wrong.

Holding onto anger does more harm to me than to her, so I know I must not let it consume me. I also can acknowledge that at times, she has been kind and she can be caring and very strangely, my compassionate nature comes from her! It's really twisted. If she sees children on tv sick or anyone suffering, she seems genuinely sorry for them and has always shown sorrow about it.

Perhaps if she was out and out nasty in all situations and to most people, I may have been able to accept she was incapable of kindness. Sad fact is that she is capable of kindness but she only shows her awful side to her family! Worse still for me is that she has used my fear of the world and people (the fear she put inside me herself) to keep me down and exactly where she wanted me - under her control.

The balance of power has changed now and she doesnt have any real control over me anymore. It is only me that keeps that element of control going by my lack of self belief. I am in therapy for the damage caused by my childhood and I am working towards a much deeper sense of belief in myself that I am currently lacking.

One more thing I want to share... I felt so trapped when I lived under their roof and didnt feel brave enough to move out that I used to think about committing a crime, just so I could go to prison!! I am no longer in that trap anymore thank God but I think that revelation can show you how trapped and weak I felt by my situation,

angeldelight75 angeldelight75
36-40, F
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

Hate is a pretty powerful emotion. Holding onto it and anger will continue the abuse and feelings of inadequacy. Between the verbal, physical and sexual abuse, from my mom, I grew up with it was a long hard journey to anything close to normal. I am very happy for you that you found this forum and the words to express yourself. Blessings.