Is It Called Hate?

I don't hate my parents. but in some cases when anger takes the lead.........

They disappoint me... because every time I try to talk to them I get upset. I end up crying or being mad. Me and my parents have no connection at all. Always like... ALWAYS miscommunication. It's because I had no interest to study their language. I was forced to learn the language, for about six years long. I didn't care about talking Vietnamese fluently. I grew up with independency, so I've learned to be independent at young age. I prefer doing things on my own. But a companion is fine too. Though, I don't have any family here. They live in Vietnam. Studying the Vietnamese language was for : to communicate with my family. But I actually didn't care. The people there, they didn't felt like family. I don't know them my whole life. Or at least a big part of my life. They live too far away. It is impossible to accept them as my family. They feel like strangers to me. And I thought, controlling the language isn't useful, because why would I want to communicate to these strangers? I've only seen them for a month. Despite of what I thought, I do regret of skipping the classes once I was a rebelling teenager. The relationship between me and my parents are awful. We just don't communicate. They just don't understand me. And I don't understand them. At least, I do think I understand them but in fact.... I 'think' what they mean. So we never have this chat of : 'How was your day?' The communication is lacking. Those conversations are never here. In fact, we barely talk. Just only the simple things like, Can you hand over the remote? or.... Can you pass me the chopsticks?
Of course my parents care about me. I know they 've sacrificed a lot for me. And maybe sometimes I don't show enough that I appreciate it. But I wish we had a better bond. Every time I try to tell them what's going on, they'll never understand. And what bothers me the most, they don't even know who I really am. They don't know my personality at all. At home there's this negative mood hanging around here. I get so cranky of them. But they've never seen me with friends or at work, even at school? Today, they hurt me with a comment. And it got me motivated to write this. They said I'm selfish, egoistic. And that's the worst thing you can ever say to me. Because I do know that's so not true. They don't know that I worry so much about everyone. How much I take effort to achieve things for someone else. They have this image of me, because I was very greedy when I was younger. But I'm older and different, I changed. But they can't see that because they just 'don't know me'. We just don't talk about the daily things. This Is not to prove I'm not selfish, my friends, siblings knows better. I have a better bond/connection with them.

Today I actually tried to have a conversation with them. And guess what, I ended up crying and being sad and mad. And I tend to forgive and forget quickly.. But they just don't realize it hurts me. So I'm planning to ignore them, maybe they will realize that they've hurt me. Because the only thing they can do is, talk negatively about me. And yes it hurts. A lot. And every time they say something negative, I do have the intention to do it. For example this is what they say a lot of times : 'You'll not help us when we are old.' Well, Yes I will not if you say this every time. I just really hate the negative things they are saying. It affects me, I will start being negative because of them. I prefer staying at a place that has only positive influence.

I have to admit I'm not the perfect daughter. I barely help in the household, and when I just see their faces, I can respond annoyed. Yes I am annoyed by them. I'm just tired of them. I'm impatient for them. But still I can't imagine a life without them. They are after all still my parents. And sometimes it looks like they make my life miserable.... I still love them somewhere in my heart.

Sigh. I think I will understand them, when I'm older and wiser.
But now... I'm used to think that, they are so annoying, stupid, and hateful.

Maybe that is just what teens do....
funkyshh funkyshh
18-21, F
Dec 8, 2012