The Outcast

It's been a dream of mine to smile genuinely, but I know I never will. It's because I've been robbed of something most can't live without. Something so key to life that it is said to often make or break an individual... A constant source of support even in your most trying times. I hardly even need to tell you what I'm referring to though, do I? What I lack is a parent's love.

Now let me start this off saying that this isn't a cry for help, a plea for attention or even some sort of online validation for my lifelong misery. What this is, is a admission of my pain. An attempt to share with people, albeit anonymously, the torment I've had to secretly endure for what's felt like a horrid eternity. I'm aware that there are parents that have raped, abandoned, murdered, bludgeoned, etc. their offspring and I know my experience will seem trivial in comparison. But I know MY pain. I know it's real, and it's never going to leave me. know because I've been cast as the villain my entire life, scapegoated and treated like a pariah. I know my suffering matters. My abuse is worse than neglect-- I'm hated. I exist in someone else's world. Not my own. A twisted world ruled by a horrid dictator where no sane logic can exist.

So at this point, if you are still reading... I commend you. By reading this much of my thoughts, you've already taken more interest in my life than my selfish parents ever have. Man, that sounds whiny... Hmm. I suppose it's easy to make vague claims and generalizations, isn't it? Okay. I will tell you with fine detail why I hate my parents and give you a taste of what they've done to earn my loathing. I will savor the sting the memories bring, as your disgust for their actions echoes my pain and makes me feel slightly less alone.

My mother's name is Kathleen P. B. Her maiden name is A. She tells everyone her middle name is A. when it is actually P... believing it as a fact. This seems like a harmless white lie, but it is a great symbol for how trivial and fake her concept of reality is. Kathy worships the Christian God, and believes everyone should too. If you don't, you're worthless to her. Simple as that. And wouldn't you know it? I'm a 'non-believer!' Have you heard the phrase 'shun the non-believer'? My mom lives by it (that is, if you'd call her horrible method of existence 'living.') She hates her life and nearly everyone in it. She's alienated her friends, most of our family and, well, the whole world really.She even drove her husband insane (at least that's what he says to get more pills.) If you don't agree with her in any way, shape or form, you've earned her 'hatred' and--considering she's warped and insane--chances are you've already qualified! Starting to feel glad you don't have to live with her? No? You will soon.

Don't get me wrong. Christian values are great. They teach love, understanding, patience, generosity and a plethora of other amazing values everyone ought to embrace. Sadly, Kathy took none of those values out of the pastor's sermons. Rather, she uses her religion to be elitist, misguided, judgmental, hateful, spiteful and to feel justified in her hatred for her son. Kathy thinks all homosexuals should burn in hell. She thinks Barack Obama is evil and anyone who voted for him is "tainted by the media." As if I couldn't form an opinion of my own? Is that so hard to believe? Ironic that the woman blindly voting all republican without reading ANYTHING of what's going on in the government, etc, accuses the registered independent voter who votes without regard of party affiliation of being 'influenced and without free thought.' Oh, and science is wrong. Hey, if the only book I read everyday was the Bible I'd probably think that too! (Once again, not saying that there's anything wrong with Creationalism, I'm showing that it's pretty clear that it is not my cup of tea and never will be.)

But those are just minor disagreements, right? Petty. Stupid. Not worth hating someone over, right?



Not to Kathy! These simple disagreements were her initial reasons to hate me. (At quite a young age, might I add.) And once she made that distinction, boy did she just let the hatred flow...

She hates how I talk.
She hates how I think.
She hates how I dress.
She hates my hair.
She hates what I eat. (If I dare touch her food!)
She hates what I enjoy.
She hates my ADD. (If I'm not medicated, "I'm not human" that's a quote for ya!)
She hates my girlfriends. (Except the one that cheated on me, and crushed my heart)
She hates my hobbies.
She hates my habits.
She hates my TV shows. (Barring Sherlock! Who could hate that?)
She hates my grades.
She hates what I love.
She hates... everything I am.

But hate is only one thing that defines her. Apathy is her other lovely attribute.

She doesn't care about:
My depression
My art
My dreams
My poetry
My writing
My future
My health
My well being
My struggle against my ADD
My insecurities (that she created)
... Me

Wow, this list is literally making me feel sick to my stomach. She never tells me she loves me, never hugs me, never says she's proud of me. She never asks to read my work, she never even sees it as my future...

I can't do this anymore. I just need to harness this in a way I can actually explain this, because listing is a task without end.

Here's recent transgressions:
(aka the tip of the iceberg)

She kicked me out of the house mid-semester, abruptly, because she found a condom in my trashcan. Premarital sex is a no-no even though I believe otherwise... This was right after my life changing breakup with the only girl I ever wanted to marry-- do to her choosing a fat, dumb, douche-bag mechanic that bullied her in HS over me, a guy who loved and understood everything she was about. Unable to cope and hold it all together, I dropped out of my new school (I still had my associates at least...) having to live with a girl I just started talking to, effectively ruining that relationship and making things tremendously awkward. Would I call myself homeless? Yes... I survived on ramen, and the sodium nearly killed me. (which lead to my now super-healthy -ish diet) How can you work a job, be a junior in college (paying everything yourself mind you) and suddenly have to look for a home mid-semester? You can't. She didn't even care either. She said it was the best thing that ever happened to her.

SPEAKING OF TUITION. My 'mother' made me pay for my college not offering me a single dime because I never 'applied myself' even though I struggled through the higher track classes she FORCED me to be in, when my level of organization and ADHD made me belong in a track lower. That I actually get... I think... A lot of people pay for their own college even when their parents have the money. I don't think it's right, especially when my dad had both of his schools (which he flunked from due to partying), but hey, you gotta tough it up sometimes.

But that didn't stop her from claiming it on her tax forms! Yeah... She robbed me of all the benefits and cash breaks given to students, and took it for herself! (one of them being a four thousand dollar tuition break from the President she hates so much) She said she was using the money I gave her to pay for it in an organized way, but she made it look like SHE was doing it... HELPING HER CREDIT! As a ghost, someone with no credit, this was a boost I so desperately needed. ESPECIALLY... Ahem, sorry. Getting a bit emotional here, as I'm typing this completely stream of consciousness... Especially since she refused to co-sign any student loans. Upon being confronted about this, me almost getting her audited... She turned wildly crazy... She shredded the papers used to keep track of the tuition... claiming she paid it the entire time... that I never paid a cent. And my dad... knowing it to be false... just nodded. Just nodded. Nodded silently, as I broke out in tears... seeing all my hardwork vanish... just not exist to anyone but me because of her lies.

That's not even the first time she stole from me... Money is her life. The woman is cheaper than the discount bin at a dollar tree. After my first accident, my dear old mommy decided that I was to pay for my own insurance. That's fair. I deserved it, right? Bit harsh, but yeah I can dig it. Second accident comes around? BAM TOTALLED, yet never see that money! HUH? What's the deal right? It was in her name again! So what do you think she did with that money? The money I paid insurance to get? Any guesses? She went to Europe with my little brother (the one who is religious, obedient, and loyal to her every wish-- well, at least he WAS). Europe was my dream vacation, so clearly I was hurt.

Yeah, that's what makes it all worse. While my very presence is loathed, and I get to hear how vile, useless and unpleasant failure I am... Zach is held in the regard one normally reserves for a Saint. He isn't bogged down by the same depression and mental disorders I have and in the past he's followed her every wish. Discovering his drug use and nonattendance to church at college, her love has already begun to slip... yet still she clings. Zach is her last bastion of human love after all, other than her pathetic husband (a man she's successfully broken down into a mindless emotional puppet, treating him kindly only after sending him to a mental hospital.) Even sadder? I'm a nice guy, and Zach isn't. He's a mean-spirited jerk who's become just as obsessed himself as my mom is.

Control is her only love. She loved my brother for the same reason she loves my dog. Kathy's requirement for love is NAZI-eque devotion to her. Agree with everything she says. Treat her word like law. Give her constant compliments. Behaving exactly as she desires. She's the most miserable person I know... and yet she thinks her way of doing things is the path to happiness?

"You're a waste of human flesh."


"We hate you. We hate you here, and we hate having you around us."

"Have you taken your pill yet? I can't tolerate you without it."

"Writing? Just stop. You should do something with computers. Be realistic."

"Why can't you just be normal?"

"Don't talk to me."

"Just go to your room, I don't even want to have to look at you."

"You never do anything worthwhile anyway. All you do is write that dumb book of yours."

"You left your pills out in the open. You know your dad is going to take them. It's your fault. The stress from you is what drove him weird."

"If you don't do as I say, I'm going to call the police and tell them you hit me!"
"I'm telling them you tried to kill me! (Never even raised my hand to her, unlike her to me) I'll have you locked up,

My favorite part about Harry Potter was the bit with the Dursley's because I could relate to it perfectly. As a child I often dreamed of discovering adoption forms stowed away in the basement, and that my real parents were great people who'd died tragically as I was baby.

Words cannot do proper justice. It's just that tone... that miserable, hateful tone.That constant look of disappointment, annoyance... ugh. Everything I say, she treats it like it's dumb and bothersome... I'm pathetic, a failure. Twenty+ and living at home... Who cares if we're in a recession? Who cares if there's no good jobs? She's got a cushy teaching gig that she landed when teachers were in high demand. Tenured for life. Constantly indulging in frivolous things. My depression is crippling, and I hate to use my disorder as an excuse, but my lack of focus makes it super hard to adhere to basic responsibilities. I've been trying for years to move out... get back on track with class... I just freak out.

I need help. I need support. I feel alone. When I'm single, I have literally no one. There's friends here and there, but my emotional damage has made me basically a loner. I have a great personality, and I'd like to think I look pretty good too... I just feel trapped. I can't leave. There's no body to turn to. Especially not my father...

Dan is the epitome of sloth. He has just milked off my mom his entire life. He's weak. Distant. Generally apathetic to me. Not a good role model. He just skates from one retail job to the next. Getting fired periodically. He just lets his wife control him. He can't see either of his brothers... his only friends in life. Can't even have a simple drink. No wonder we went crazy, eh... But being pathetic doesn't make me hate him.

I hate him because he's stolen my ADHD medication my entire life, using it to get high. There's way more to it, but I really can't bare more details. Just... How can you steal an eight year old boy's meds that he needs to get through his everyday struggle through school, then look him and his mother in the eye and outright lie and say HE, a child, took them? And he still does it to this day; I have to hide them.

At this point, I've stopped caring. I used blackmail over the things mentioned to temporarily get residence in my old room. (Least they could do for never loving me, right?) I write my novel working toward my future (almost done with the last rewrite) and have a part-time job with benefits and okay pay. I've got my car paid off and I'm trying to find a college to transfer my degree to, and get a better degree.

In spite all this pain I'm really quite outgoing when I have the time. I'd say my best features are my huge heart and imagination, but I honestly couldn't tell you where I got them. I'm still suffering, but I've found ways to cope. Ways to live, whilst being hated... Ways to live without love. But I will be out soon. I'll find real love someday.

I have a better job lined up in a month or two, if I can't get my act together in time for spring semester. Plan to live on campus for the first time. Either way, I'll be free of them soon, but for now their scorn remains a constant burden. Such is the loneliness that is my life--the only existence I've even known. I'm living in the den of the enemy, berated and treated like sub-human scum on a daily basis. I'm a bright young man with so much to offer... and I know with a better set of parents I'd be much further along in life than I am now. As sad as it is, I've recently accepted that I will never be able to rely on them, or ever earn their love without compromising who I am.

Whoever you are... Thank you for reading all of this. My Skype is Bradvertise if you ever want to talk. I love conversing with new people. Hell, I love people in general. The hatred you've read is something I don't feel comfortable having, but in some strange way I think I'm lucky to have it. I believe that all that introspection made me into something stronger than I was, like hardening coal into a diamond. That aside, if you want someone who can relate to that loneliness and who would be willing to be there for you, by all means hit me up. I talk life, philosophy, games, books, problems... whatever. As long as I'm not writing or busy I'm all yours.

Thanks again,

- Brad
vashvhexx vashvhexx
Dec 13, 2012