I'm Sick of the Sex, Drugs and Violence

   My parents are freaks. Maybe no one else could sympathize with my story but everything about my parents disturbs me to the core. My story starts when i was extremely young, well ever since i can remember actually. When i was young i remember my dad tricking me into drinking wine, snorting heroin on the coffee table, drinking home drunken friends and abusing my mom in every way. Not only did i witness all of this but i wasn't ale to talk about it and had to lie to councilors and DSS, i was constantly harassed at school by teachers and therapists wanting to get evidence of abuse. These are some of my first memories as a child. As I got older things only got worse. My dad abused most drugs but mostly prescription drugs and alcohol. He also collected **** and made his own which i discovered for the first time at 8yrs old.

   Ever since I was born i was raised around sex drugs and violence. I CAN'T  TAKE IT ANYMORE! When I was 13 , on Christmas Eve, my dad almost burnt is parents house down. Amongst all the confusion my dad tried to molest me, tried to stick my hand down my pants while telling me how "hot" i looked in my dress. But I knew it was coming before that incident, he would always make inappropriate comments about my cloths how i looked insisting on how beautiful i was when i would tell him to just go away. Trying to convince  me i was "hot" and "thin" . When sitting at the computer he would put his hands on me while saying these things, just staring at me. My grandfather would also grab my *** moving his hands down my lower back when hugging me (since then i only hug him sitting down). Amongst numerous incidents such as these my family, specifically my parents have always left there ****** around even though their separated and my dad lives with his mother. God he is such a looser! i don't know how she can't be embarrassed by him! At the same time that the sexual "stuff" started, u can call it abuse if u want but my mom didn't, he started hitting me too. For standing up to him or standing up for my mom and me or getting mad over him being with my mom i got slapped grabbed, bruised, and thrown to the floor. In July 2007 i threw a glass at his head for blaming me for everything that's happened to them, threatening to send me away, pushing me and all around being a complete ****. Gave him 16 stitches and i got off with a slap on the wrist and nothing on my permanent record. But anyway thing like this have just been the everyday in my life an I've learned to except it.

 So needless to say my dads a dead beat so my mom raised me all on her own but shes definitely not the best either she has no idea whats acceptable and whats not when it comes to family relationships and especially with her own relationships every things all blur ed and ****** up. Which I wouldn't care about if there weren't other things like the **** for instance, or staying with my dad for so long. Supposedly they aren't together anymore and haven't been for over a year which makes sense so I can believe it. But recently  I found a disgusting IM convo between my mom and some guy that wanted to have an affair with her talking about pictures he'd seen of her, and it was a mutual conversation i couldn't read all of it, it turned my stomach and totally turned my view of my mother. Not the affair but that she would lower herself to such things. Shes not a strong independent woman i know this. I've been her friend and therapist longer then I've been her daughter...at least it feels that way. Anyway I've always either taken care of things or stepped out of the way and disappeared, practically became invisible when i wanted. Point being I took care of myself and most of the time my parents mental health.

I hate living like this. Recently i had a breakdown. Stopped going to school, stopped talking to people, stopped eating, stopped moving. Since then I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders. They put me on Prozac, been on it for two days, who knows if it will work. But truth be told i just hate being around them. THEIR depressing! THEY make me anxious. I don't see my father a lot anymore, but being around my mother is both comforting and yet disturbing. I know i owe so much to her and i do love her but sometimes i just can't stand her and some of the despicable things she's done and exposed me to! Is it wrong to blame her for my father, for all these ****** up mental issues, both genetic and  brought on by childhood?! I'm sick of sex!? I HATE sex because of them but still lost my virginity at 14, and am considered promiscuous though i hate it i can't stop. I also have developed and eating disorder and have no control over myself. I don't blame my parents though, i know that it's up to me to pull myself out of this and partially i probably just wasn't strong enough to deal with it.

 

Sorry that took so long and I'm not complaining i just need to get this out and know that I'm not crazy for being upset at both of them.

Winter689 Winter689
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 28, 2009

It sounds like you've had it very tough and been through more than anyone every should, and I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. <br />
<br />
I work for a major national magazine, and we're currently looking for girls ages 16-22 who are willing to share stories like yours with readers, some of whom may have had similar experiences for a story about living with tough parents who don't always act as they should. If you or anyone you know would be interested, please e-mail me as soon as possible at 17featuresint2@hearst.com.<br />
<br />
Thank you,<br />
Katie

I have cried reading your story. I know Jesus Christ has cried too. He is the only one who can truly understand your pain. I'm so thankful for the peace and purpose for living that I've found in Him after growing up with an abusive father. The Lord Jesus has given me the ability to forgive also. I so desperately want you to know Him too. I know I may sound "preachy" and people love to criticize Christians, but I feel compelled to write you because He is our only hope for rescue from this sin-tainted world and our own sinful, self-destructive tendencies. I know it's cliche, but Jesus does love you. Sometimes we feel like "Why couldn't He stop all this from happening to me? Why didn't He do something to help?" He did. 2,000 years ago God the Son died on a brutal Roman cross, an agonizing death, so if you would trust that He took the punishment we all deserve for our sin, that He died in your place, you can have eternal, abundant life in Him--no matter the current circumstances. He is alive and cares for you. He said, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest...you will find rest for your souls." I don't say that to minimize what you've been through in any way. (Please don't take me that way) But I just want to share the hope I've experienced through a real and amazing Savior and his promises in the Bible. Unlike people (people, even those we most trust, will always disappoint us and let us down), the Lord will never break HIS promises. He always keeps His word. I started digging, researching, and found it's the truth. Hope you do too.