A Sick Cycle Carousel.

I hate my past, because i'm still in it, I only have memories of good times that happened years ago - fleeting moments of happiness. And i'm reminded of my mistakes when i look at what I have become today: My life is a just a sad song repeated in different keys as I grow older.

Girls i attract all end up treating me the same and i make the same too-much-of-a-"nice guy" mistakes, they are all of a certain caliber and so it's the same situations, just with different faces. As for my career, i've only held two jobs in my life and they were both in video editing, in the wedding industry - But that doesn't say much, because anyone can be a wedding videographer and edit those videos for money, I didn't have to get a qualification to start working where i am, it's like a mickey mouse industry, that people do as a hobby or part-time - supplementing their real job's income. If i can compare being a wedding video editor to proper television video editors, it's like comparing a 5-star chef to guy that flips burgers at Mac Donalds.

And here i am today trying to make a living out of it.. I'm trying to save up some money to get a better education so i can have a chance at a brighter future, but i need alot of help along the way.

Surprisingly, from what i've written here, you wouldn't guess that i finished high school, that i completed a bridging course in engineering or that i made it to my 2nd year in a university school of architecture, would you?

What you don't realize is that despite me being intelligent, how low my self-esteem is - and how this has chained me down, like a tetherball, it just goes round and round being motivated by other peoples influences upon it.

When i was a child, i asked my mother why she never finished high school [she only has grade 10] and if my dad went to university, she gave me the idea that you don't need a big education to be successful, she'd say, " Look at your dad who only finished high school and your uncle, they work together at the family business and uncle never finished high school and he's doing fine, look how well we're living now" - i'm 27 now and i realize how wrong my mother was, and how toxic her messages were to me growing up.

My only hope now is that I can get the same mental health treatment, that eventually helped me get this job and helped me move away from my parents in the first place. But unfortunately mental health is unsubsidized by most countries, it's seen as a luxury, a luxury i can't afford. So as i'll keep on taking two steps forward and one step back in this life, as i watch it pass me by.
Semisane Semisane
22-25, M
3 Responses Jul 25, 2010

Thank you for that comment Jagacafad t'was most insightful. I read an old self help book about the study of the human life stages, called Passages. It referred to how we internalize our parents messages by making the "inner custodian" analogy, a layman's term for 'super-ego' i think. <br />
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For example: As a child, just before you cross the road, your mom grabs your hand and commands you to, "be careful you could get hit by a car, you must look left and right before you cross the street" - as you grow up you start having to cross streets on your own, and she's not always there, but her message is so instilled in you - look left, and right, you could die otherwise - that it becomes automatic, working in your mind like an "inner custodian" - these are the type of messages I was referring to. The book said that the best way to break these automatic thoughts, is to challenge their authority, challenge the assumed outcome, which i think is also good advice.<br />
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I'd like to say, "you know what - these are my chains - but i choose not to be bound by them."<br />
And just leave them, but I don't know where to start though. I've been reading a book called 'Mind over Mood - by Dennis Greenberger and it's helped me quite abit. But therapy would be better, i'm gonna try and afford it.<br />
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My self worth is so low, that even now i have a big 2weeks worth project due in about 10 days and here i am, on blog site and facebook because i care too much about what others think of me, procrastinating because i don't see my time as valuable.

Hey Semisane, not an unusual way to be or feel. I'm in my last few months of study before opening my own counselling practice and my reasons for starting down this path were because of the same feelings I had about myself. As long as we hold on to our parents' faults we will not realise our own self values. We grow up as 'wounded' children and then adapt to life in a very distorted way because we are expected to and this is called the 'adapted adult' as opposed to a mature adult. (A child in an adult body still crying)<br />
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Deep inside we blame ourselves and use our parents as scapegoats, truth is, they only did and said what they thought was right even though it may represent a gross injustice. Once we can let them go (the parents) by saying to them as if they were sitting in front of you "mum, I now hand back to you the errors you made, they are no longer my responsibility....." you will realise you have the power, not them.<br />
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Self esteem, anxiety, depression and so on stem from the thoughts we manifest and the belief we give them. It is a distortion of reality. If you think you are worthless (for example) then YOU are right but it may not be the reality. May I humbly suggest that because you are intelligent, you explore the possibilities of life without chains. You only need to start with a single step and this could be to look at what you have achieved and not at what you perceive as your failings. A wedding video editor is your job, all the stuff you analogous that with is your self talk. That is what is causing you grief and then you blame your parents.<br />
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Focus on your smartness to get you out, you know you can, you can do whatever you want when there is no-one holding you back, set yourself free, it's no longer your fault.

Thanks for the comment 70's, I live in South Africa, it's still considered a third world country, and there are no community support groups for what i was diagnosed with - about 6 years ago: social anxiety disorder. - I think mostly because it's just not as common a disorder as say alcoholism is.<br />
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But anyway the SAD is a result of a much deeper problem of self esteem issues and bad parenting. If you're interested in my history of what happened with the last therapist etc., you can read the blogs on my profile, where i've kept it short, and illustrated well. <br />
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It's been 2 years now since i broke away from the mess of my home town, for life in the big city as an editor, and with that fresh start here now 2 years old, i've just realized i'm in a reoccurring dream that i want to wake up from.