Dark Cloud

My past has always been this dark cloud that has hung over my head, one that never seems to pass, for I just don't know how to let it go. Some parts are things I've done to myself, other parts are things that have been done towards me. But all parts are things that remain in my mind and hold me back from living the life that I deserve.

I know that to let it go, I must forgive myself, and accept myself for who I am. Forgiving myself is difficult, but the harder part is accepting who I am, accepting the choices I made, and accepting what has passed through my life. I'm not quite sure how to do that yet, for at the moment, hating my past is easier than accepting it. I know how to hate it, I've always done it, it's familiar. But to accept it is far more difficult and it takes far more effort.

To find forgiveness and acceptance for my past will allow me to find true happiness. Happiness, which in and of itself, should be motivation enough to forgive myself and accept who I am, but somehow it's just not always that easy. It's hard to imagine what it will take to get there, to accept who I am. It seems like such a foreign idea, but I know that it's something I need to do. I don't want to turn around on the path in my life and see a dark cloud all the time, for it will always follow me. I want to continue to walk towards the light, but be able to turn around and know that it's my past, but that it doesn't have to remain the ugly vision that it so long has been.

I do still hate my past, but slowly, I'm learning that it is not something to be hated, but something to learn and grow from. The day will come when I can finally forgive myself for what I've done, and for what has been. The day will come when I can let go of those who hurt me so deeply. The day will come when I can look in the mirror and know that I am ok just as I am. I don't want to hate my past forever....I want to continue to break free of the chains around my heart and my soul. It'll happen, I know it will.

Lucidblue Lucidblue
36-40, F
12 Responses Aug 6, 2010

Nice simple words , with a deep feeling , i just adore it !

Quite simply.....I understand, and thank you!

iDigit, I didn't want to write hastily yesterday, but wanted to take the time to respond thoughtfully.<br />
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You are right, it is an old post, and although I still identify with it in some ways, I am definitely in a different place now. Yes, there is a timescale on that period of my life, and I believe that it ended back in November. I experienced a pivotal moment in my emotional healing at that time that suddenly changed things for the better.<br />
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Of course, life is not that black and white, and there are moments when I still stumble into the darkness. This is the journey that I am still on. I still make mistakes, I still get hurt, and I still remember the way I've felt in the past. One moment of clarity cannot change more than two decades of pain. But it can definitely be the starting point towards finding happiness again. <br />
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Fortuantely, there isn't really anyone that I need to ask for forgiveness because all the mistakes I have made have only ever hurt me. I must learn to forgive myself, sometimes something that is equally as hard to do, but not impossible. I will get there eventually.<br />
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I know that I am not living in that perennial darkness anymore. This is a different time and place for me, and my inability to sit still and let life pass me by bodes well for my chance to heal. No one can tell me that I succumb to the sadness, no one can tell me that I lack motivation or determination to make my life better. Too many people accept life as what it is, and never take the chance to make it better. They think that this is their destiny. I know it's not mine...a life far greater awaits me, and absolutely no one in the world can presume me to be the kind of girl that will accept less than what I deserve. I may not be there yet, but I've come a million miles already!

oh i'm that's good.. thanks..

ishouldve - give it time. I am not there anymore, live has moved forward from there, but it took me time to get there. I still have some to go yet, but I am definitely not where I was! Learning how to forgive yourself is one of the hardest things to do....I'm still trying to learn that one...

this is exactly how i feel right now.. because of the things i've done in the past i can't seem to move, it's hard to wake up in the morning when the first thing that pops out in my mind is the past.. it's not easy to mend..i'm still in the process of forgiving myself too..

I will have to soak this one in a little bit and respond to it later! =)

I am having a hard time forgiving myself, too. I struggle with thoughts of self destruction because i can't love myself. I blocked out many things for many years, and the memories have resufaced. I know there must be a reason, and I do everything I can to admit my wrongs with humility. I have tried to apologize, but it has not been accepted. I am tormented, my heart is broken., and I know I did it to myself. <br />
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I love your post.

Letting go of your past is like letting go of who you are. You have to step out of what you know of yourself - good and bad - and create a new you. That is why in my opinion and experience, it is hard to do. If you do not have "past" - what do you have. Redefine your past so that the experience can be beneficial - or have a purpose - allows you to let it go and move forward. Acceptance and Forgiveness - do not mean you agree with the situation or experience - it is just an acknowledgement of a time and place. Hope this helps. You are on the right track and doing well. Your self awareness and desire to explore should be commended - that can be painful - but in the end as you say worthwhile. Its quiet often - not about you - you did not cause the experience - you were just given an opportunity to receive knowledge of some kind - that will allow you to be a stronger, more in tune person.

Mmmm I haven't forgiven myself yet.....but I know that I am on a path towards it. It's not so easy to do it all in one shot. It takes time, exploration and a lot of understanding before one can do that. I'm still exploring and trying to understand it all before I can even be prepared to forgive myself. I'll get there though. I hope you find your way towards that too.....it's hard, but I am sure it will be worth it.

You have coherently put in words the way I feel about the past and the choices I made along the way. I am happy that you found the way to forgive yourself.