I Was Too Ashamed to Leave...

I had a boyfriend, two years older, who seemed the all-american boy. He was smart, handsome, popular-- everything I wasn't in high school. I was the nerdy, frumpy, ugly duck who volunteered her weekends at soup kitchens or the library just to feel like she'd gone out at least. I was too grateful for the fact that someone like him could even look at someone like me, and I began to love him on that uneven playing field.

I was happy, but only for a few weeks. He was kind and wonderful, but he had a side only I could see. He yelled. He told me how insignificant I was, how lucky I was to have him because no one else would ever want me. When I wouldn't let him do what he wanted with me, he began to hit me.

I felt like I deserved it. I wasn't beautiful enough, wasn't ready to have sex, and I just wasn't the girlfriend he deserved. I was ashamed of myself and still felt fortunate that he was with me at all.

I let this go on for almost two years, and never told a soul. When I finally snapped out of it, I changed my phone number, cut my hair (he'd told me never to do that, or he'd never go out with me again), and decided to start over. With the help of an excellent psychologist, time, a new wardrobe, and the patient love of friends, I've moved on. That's not to say I'm all better-- I will always feel anger at selling myself so short, and rage at how he could so easily manipulate and maim someone from the inside out. But I've learned that there are a lot of things people have to learn to live with. This is mine. 

wolfton wolfton
22-25, F
12 Responses Oct 22, 2006

My current girl went through similar events in her past. It's great that you left. I'm so sorry for what you went through! You will see brighter days in the future. As long as your mind is in line with your heart, you can live the life you want.

You did the right thing everyone is beautiful in their own way and he didn'tdeserve you.any man hit u doesn't deserve to be with u you are very brave

Fortunately you snapped out of it before you had kids with him. I hope now that you can take that experience as a learning lesson and don't harbor that anger inside of you. Love is stupid and people do stupid things all for the sake of feeling accepted.

You are such a strong person. <br />
I'm so proud of you <br />
Don't let what has happened stop you from loving again, because your person is out there

i have gone through that incept with my dad, so i am here if u want to talk.

i have gone through that incept with my dad, so i am here if u want to talk.

Well done and dont stop there there is a big world out the go get it girl and plenty of fish ,we are all beautful in our speacil way ,,,you go girl dont let nobody stop u again <3

you are brave enough

I commend your courage for speaking out.

Kudos for moving on!!! AND getting help. Most people don't realize that it's bigger than themselves!<br />

u seem like ur a strong person.hope i dont offend u. wish i had half ur streanth

You say you volunteered your weekends at soup kitchens or the library just to feel like you'd gone out? It looks like you're still selling yourself short - there are plenty of other ways people pass their time (i.e. drinking and drugs) and I think it's telling how you chose to spend yours.