Im Weighless, I Am Bare...

I listen to Placebo a lot when I feel like my past overwhelmes me. It consumes me and it makes me feel numb towards others at times because getting close to people is what makes it hurt more. That is the beauty of having no face sometimes.

I was raped when I was 16 in a pub bathroom. I was a little bit drunk and the details are not always clear to me. But I do remember the music and the deafening base against the floor. The tiles were cold and my neck was jammed against the bottom of the toilet. The smell of bleach and sweat combined made me sick and his palm clamped over my mouth was warm and held my vomit back, making me think I would choke.

I remembered that bathroom and it was symbolic that I took my first hit when I was in a bathroom with my best friend crouching under the ancient geyser. It was the opposite; this time I had all the power. The next 5 years would see me take Cocaine, Ecstacy and presciption pills. It was powerful and it was consuming, but sometimes I was not in nirvana. Sometimes I felt the demons around me and their grotesque shadows followed me in my sleep and on the faces of bewildered strangers. I took more drugs, but the hits brought the demons back.

The demons are still around me and the past plagues me and rules me at times. It has broken friendships and ruined relationships. It has taken away my identity and left me bare. I feel bare most of the time, like my soul has been covered and wrapped in bubble paper and is unreachable, even to me. At the same time I am weightless, because I can still escape sometimes, even though I feel nothing inspires me or binds me to the future. My past defines me and who I am, but I want to change that. I want to be me, right here and right now.
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1 Response May 25, 2012

Stop taking drugs. They're bad, really bad, don't believe me? Look at any person that did drugs, and look how they changed.<br />
Anyways, what you're feeling is realization that you're more than you think you are, you just don't know what to do, so don't neglect that feeling out of fear, it's gonna make you stronger one day. It will take time, a lot of time. But, if you want to change yourself, truly be someone better, then you'll have to win it by yourself.<br />
When you're driving a car, don't look at the rear-view mirror when you're trying to drive forward, you might have an accident. The same can be applied to life.