Why I Can't Stand It Anymore

We were friends for fifteen years. We had some fallings out along the way, mostly stuff that happened when we were teenagers, but there were some major arguments during adulthood, relating to her overt opinions about my choice of friends or boyfriend or when I disagreed with her opinions or didn't "have her back" while she was complaining at a restaurant or something. I always wrote it off and thought, well, nobody's perfect. She is just that way but overall she is a good woman.

When we were planning to move in together, both of us acknowledged that we're a bit old to have roommates. We are both single moms and take pride in the way we raise our kids and run our households, and now we have to compromise. We agreed that we'd both do our best and promised to behave.

When it came time to choose the rent house, she wanted to move into the very first house we looked at and badgered me and belittled me for not being "sold" on it right away, saying we'd never find another deal like that, it wasn't THAT far from our target location, no other choice, etc., responding to my concerns with lots of sarcasm, right in front of both our kids, and then asked the kids (all this while we're still in the car): "Kids, do you love the house, or what? Isn't it perfect? Don't you want to live there?" "Which bedroom do you want?" Of course, Jane's room was to be the master since her bf is moving in when he gets back to the US and mine doesn't even fit my clothes or furniture and my commute is about 3 times what hers is. So she drove around one more neighborhood to appease me, her and her daughter huffing and puffing the whole time, and finally I gave in and said alright, whatever, let's just see if we're even approved. During the wait, she was excited and counting down, completely untinterested in other postings I'd find, so enthusiastic, her bf is going to love it, the kids love it, etc. so I sign. I didn't want to fight about it, the kids rooms WERE great, and it wasn't horrible or anything. I just didn't feel comfortable being rushed or pressured. We had plenty of time! Afterward, I felt like a pushover, mostly mad at myself.

Since we moved in together 2.5 months ago, things have been extremely difficult - not just for our friendship, but for me as an individual. My long term boyfriend and I broke up in the process of me moving (mostly b/c I was exhausted and aggravated that it wasn't him I was moving in with), my son has been sick a few times, I've been sick a few times, my son broke his right arm, so I have had help him bathe and dress and do his homework daily and he can't do a lot of activities. I have had to work crazy hours, one week was all travel and field work. Her life isn't a walk in the park either. College full time, work full time, long distance relationship 8 weeks out of every 12. Her daughter struggles a lot in school, too, so she goes to school early for tutoring.

So, I will call her Jane. A lot of my friends have disliked her from the beginning. She can come off loud, sarcastic, center-of-attention type, etc. All those things I think are funny parts of her personality. But she is increasingly critical and judgmental of everyone, including our friends. She tells racist jokes. I can take a little of that here and there as long as she makes it clear she's joking. I write it off, like, she was just raised that way; she doesn't know any better. But it's starting to seem like she really is racist and really does think she's better than everyone else. She talks bad about everyone from the smalles, nick-picking thing to major problems that friends shuld be understanding about, like OMG did you notice how oily her hair was, or What does her husband see in her, or Can you believe her son can't read yet, or Wow she has gained some weight. She even ridicules people to their face to entertain herself and impress the crowd, thinking they won't "get" the joke and realize they're being laughed at. Most people do, especially if she's drinking and they're not.

She criticizes me for being "a slob" even though I'm not - never had a messy house before her and we still don't - but some nights I am just exhausted. I think everyone has those frozen pizza nights. Even when I'm not exhausted, she is literally taking my dishes and cleaning them before I even get up from the table and then saying I never do the dishes. She gets home an Hour before me (recall the commute) and races around to take the trash out and start dinner, then complains that I don't take out the trash or cook enough, as if she is purposely dramatizing the situation.

She even went on an hour-long monologue about how I don't provide enough structure for my child, need to baby him more, basically not loving enough toward him, and he is socially awkward, too into video games, etc. My son is very nerdy, always makes straight A's, always reading, building models, etc., and I like him that way. Plus I am very affectionate to him, but I do my best to help him become independent, and I feel he is very well adjusted and laid back. Her daughter is very popular but academically behind and watches all these bratty Teen Disney shows all night long. She can't fall asleep without the TV. Very attention-seeking, very materialistic, always whining or screaming and stomping off, demanding something from a store and then tossing it aside immediately, and when she's happy, it's always look-at-me, look-at-me, bragging and showing off. I can't get a moment with my soft spoken son, it seems, and he doesn't even try to compete with her. I think Jane's parenting is over bearing and guilt driven (she does things out of guilt and also guilts her daughter into doing things), but I don't dwell on it. I think it's asinine to think you know better than the kids' own mother, It's not my place to tell someone else how to raise their child, unless they ask for advice, and then I still would not just dump on them with a bunch of non-constructive criticism, especially when I know she's already overwhelmed and going through an unusually difficult time.

So now I feel like eveything I do is being judged, noted, written down in the "Why Jane's Better Than Me" book and she looks down on me as a person. She's a stress eater - I'm the opposite. I still contribute equally, as much as I can, though I do cook less and eat less. I have lost my relationship and have so much anxiety from my best friend, I have lost 10 pounds since we moved, but I still clean house steadily. Plus, even though Jane's daughter gets paid $20/wk to do dishes, she blames my son and I for having to do the very few she does, which is in addition to the dishes Jane and I wash, saying we're lazy and my son's disgusting. My son can't do much because he has a cast that covers most of his hand that can't get wet. She scolds us both like a mini mom, sounding just like Jane, and seems to have no respect for me anymore, since the move. My son says she has completely trashed him to everyone at their school, too, and that's why he is so unhappy with the new school.

Jane has strong opinions on every aspect of my life, all of them negative it seems. Many of my other close friends will not visit me because they don't feel welcome and don't like her, despite me defending her all the time. I have made it a point not to talk to any of my friends about my problems with her, because it's hard enough trying to get them to all get along with all her sarcasm and condescending air. That's why I'm here on this forum.

So, I did a dumb thing. Her boyfriend is due back from Iraq soon. This guy says he wants us all to be close friends since he doesn't know anyone in the US and he really likes Caleb and I, wants to fly us to England for their wedding, etc. Before all this got as bad, we were all friends, excited to get to know each other better. I am FB friends with him, and he chats me up sometimes. I usually just tell him comincal stoies about my dates and funny stuff the kids say, ya know, banter. We don't talk often by any standard. But he asked me how things were going while Jane and I were in one of our not-speaking periods. This time it was because I got offended by a racist joke, so in turn she told me we just didn't have anything in common anymore and maybe shouldn't even be friends. I felt like she was trying to be manipulative and I was pissed off - she was the one giving the silent treatment. So, anyway, I was like Idk OK I guess. He asked me what was going on. I told him some other stuff, relatives issues, didn't bring up Jane and I, and he kept pressing, so eventually I told him some stuff, like, we're both stressed out, both have a lot on our plates, not used to living with another woman, etc., nothing bad about her. Not really. I got a little carried away and told him she was being "mean" and she had said some "harsh words" and wasn't speaking to me (I assumed he knew that), still nothing that bad. I said some good things too, like, "the good definitely outweighs the bad", and "she is a good woman, we will work this out", etc. But I know I shouldn't have talked to him at all, shouldn't have said anything negative. I don't know why - I just felt like defending myself against what she had surely told him all about from her side. I just imagined she was telling him all sorts of negative things about me and my son, and I'm sure she does that. I don't know why I cared about his opinion. I had no intention of coming between them (and I didn't, they're fine). So anyway, shortly after that, she logged into his FB account and read the conversation and said I had "smeared" her to her boyfriend, cried, made a huge scene, said she could never trust me again, kept screaming MY boyfriend MINE MINE MINE, as if I was hitting on him which is ridiculous, and she must know because she read every word, and now I have to walk around practically wearing a scarlet letter of shame, because that was the most horrible betrayal imaginable.

I don't know how I am going to get through the next ten months. I am so over it. I really just want to leave, although I have never bailed on a lease before.
Somegirl81 Somegirl81
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 9, 2012

Hey there,
I know you have never bailed on a lease before (and that's awkward, but it is indeed possible). Especially because it would not only be good for you, but good for your son to get away from this woman. Sorry to be blunt, but she is an insecure, mean-spirited, needy show-off, and those are NOT traits for a good friend. She is not a lousy friend, she is not a friend, in my opinion.
I'm really glad you came onto this board and shared your story. When you see that many of your close friends don't even want to be around her, well imagine how much they'd rather that YOU weren't around her, either.
It's an awkward situation, but almost a blessing that moving in with this woman has shown you that you JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. And that's totally legitimate and understandable. And you have nothing to feel ashamed of; she projects her own shame onto you, and that's just part of her weakness. She's a bully, plain and simple, and that's nothing you need to be around anymore.
I wish you the best. I am sure she'd never change, her "personality" has worked for her all these years (not just with you but with everybody, from her point of view). So, if it were me, I would (quietly without telling her) determinedly seek other living arrangements, and as soon as something feasible comes through, get out of there!! And seriously, for your own peace of mind, to consider cutting ALL ties with this woman eventually might be the only answer.
Best of luck, and best wishes to you and your son!!!!