The Story Of My Sil And Me Has Been One Of Hurt And Misunderstandings For About 4 Years.
(Note: Sorry this is so long, but I have a lot to get off my chest here...thanks in advance for listening!)
It feels unbelievably good to read most of your stories, knowing that I am not the only one who has suffered so much turmoil at the hands of a narcissistic SIL. For me, this ordeal has been one of the worst things to have to go through. I am at a loss as to how to move on. Anyway, here's my story:
My sil and I are very close in age, just separated by a few months, where as my husband is about 5 years older than me. From that reason on, my SIL saw me as direct competition for her brother, who she has always called her best friend. I am a very shy person by nature, and my SIL and most of my In-laws (with the exception of my DH) are not. In fact, they are the opposite, quite loud and outgoing. I have always had a hard time at social gatherings because of the fact I suffered a lot of abuse as a child, have a terrible relationship with my own family of origin, and partly just due to the fact I am an introvert. My SIL tried to reach out to me and was nice enough until my husband and I got engaged. That is when her claws came out.
We had always been cordial, but SIL started reaching out allot more during my engagement to my DH. We started emailing, etc., and I was thrilled that I had found a friend, or so I thought. We both had love for my DH in common, we like a lot of the same things, and I thought all was going so well. Since I have always had trouble relating to other women, esp. my own Mom and Sister, I especially was happy to think that I was in the process of making a new girlfriend.
Flash forward a few months: we had emailed each other and she had started to show her true nature, one that was extremely self-involved. Due to a misunderstanding, we had gotten into a disagreement during my wedding planning over certain details and she got extremely mad at me. The feud between us just intensified b/c since she was pregnant (for the first time, at 33) at our wedding, and according to her, due to our fight, began to experience some symptoms of miscarriage. She left during the reception, without telling me, which I understood. Thankfully, she was fine (and gave birth to a little girl a few months later), but when I called her to see how she was doing, she didn't' return my calls.I think she blamed me for putting her pregnancy in jeopardy. This started a pattern that has led to this day. It is the most infuriating thing in the entire world to have someone start drama with you, and then vehemently refuse to discuss said drama. In other words, I am not allowed to speak of the feud that broke my heart without fear of losing the relationship I have with my niece and nephew who are such sweet kids.(My DH and I are not as close as we would like to our niece and nephew due to the feud with SIL. We have hung out with the kids a few times, and know that if we ever speak of the 2006 Feud or even expect too much from SIL and BIL the kids could be taken out of our lives 100% at any time. They us them as a weapon.)
Adding to the pain I feel, I think I believed that she wanted to be friends with me but then just cut me off, without ANY FURTHER REAL CONTACT AT ALL SINCE 2006!!!! Since then, she has had a second child, a little boy. She will play little mind games with my DH, saying how she wants us to be part of their kid's lives, and then not contact us for months at a time. My own father went through a major illness and then passed away during all this, and of course, do you think I got one iota of sympathy from any of my IL's?! Even though my parents have always tried to be close to them.
If I ever call her now, maybe to inquire about her kids, her husband calls me back- she refuses to talk to me. I have apologized so many times, and wanted nothing more than to just start over with my SIL but she just will have nothing to do with me. Worse yet, she has cut off my DH as well, because she thinks that I don't fit in with the family and that he could do so much better than me. (I was incredibly stupid, and admitted to her that I had seen a therapist in the past and used to take Anti-depressants, and she believes that all psychiatry is nonsense, and all you need is prayer- so she used what I told her in confidence against me!!!!) It just blows my mind how someone, especially a family member, could tell me that they wanted to be my friend, and then just make a complete U-turn, and treat me worse than before. It's as though I am dead to her. I know if she would talk to me I wouldn't feel so desperate, but to have her just cut me 100% off, is almost more than I can bear. She will not answer a single email from me, no matter how innocent or inocuous. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. She won't return my calls, and won't speak to me when I am over at her house, unless it is directly related to her kids. (She and her DH and their kids live with my IL's.) She will speak to my DH at least briefly, same with emails. I have never met anyone so evil and cruel. All I wanted to do was start over with her. I could have, too, if only I had an apology, or bearing that, some consistency in our communication. If we could just resolve this, I could move on. But that is not to be. It is so dehumanizing, and quite surreal, really. Like I am frozen in time 4 years back with my SIL.
This feud has also made me feel unbelievably guilty for putting a major dent in the relationship between my DH and his sister. Also, my IL's completely take a hands off approach to their daughter, and just say "oh, well, that is the way (she) is"...end of story! It just makes it so awkward b/c whenever I go to see his family for holidays, their home is strewn with photos of my SIL and her 2 children, who are my IL's only grandchildren so far. It just always reminds me of what I lost during the feud with my SIL and how I thought I would be part of this great new family, but now, not only am I estranged from my OWN family of origin, I am estranged from my In-laws as well. It's a rough road to hoe sometimes, let me tell you!