Sister-in-law Is An Attention Seeker With Fake Behaviour

I am 28 yr old Indian girl and got married 6 months ago. We had a love marriage and belong to different religious backgrounds- but this was never an fact my husband (32 yrs old) is very supportive and I practice my own religion as well as his (to the extent i Know and can follow). My only problem is my sister-in-law. She is 39 yr flight purser and was based in Hongkong and was divorced..she too had a love marriage last year. Unfortunately her husband and she stay only 10 minutes from our house here in SFO. Phew- where do i begin..this is gonna take really long....So when we engaged 2 yrs ago my sister-in-law was not in any relationship..she immediately started her emotional blackmail with my husband (we had along distance relationship as he was based in SFO and I was based in India), stating that 'now you have someone in your life and I am no longer priority for you'..this insecurity comes from the fact that their mom passed away many years ago and she was the only woman in the house. After her mom passed away, she moved with her granny and my husband stayed with my father-in-law. They did however go to the same school and lived in the same hostel. She would try and be so sacrificing and save her breakfast for her brother, even though he did have his own (try to show her greatness at a very young age). Her behaviour is so fake- coz she tries to behave like my late mother-in-law, dress like her and began teaching like her own mother. Though that was for a very short period, as she pursued er dreams to be an air-hostess and moved to Hongkong after a couple of years to fly with an international airline. Of course, my husband would feel bad that she had started feelin less important and would tell her that 'your place is your place and no on can take it and my wife's place is hers and no one can take it'..anyways so we had an engagement and the next day a court marriage- as we needed to start the paperwork for me to come into the US. After this, we decided to take a short trip away from the city and my father-in-law and sister in law tagged along there too. We also visited a family friend there and he was into astrology, so I was keenly interested to know what he had to say about my husband and me. Just the day before, my sisterinlaw suddenly had a bad cold and stayed indoors, while my husband and i went out for the day..she cleverly sat with that family friend to know her future and asked many questions about my husband and me too. The next day when it was my turn and we were already running against time to reach to him, she said 'i wanna go shopping purposely so that i shouldn't reach on time for my astrology. I was very upset and told my husband that everyone knows i wanna go for this session and now she wants to go shopping, so he told his sister that we need to go for now and that he would come back with her later for shopping. I couldnt understand this as just 2 days ago we were in the same market and she had already done some shopping. Anyways, we managed to reach on time and went in for the session, while my father in law and sister in law were to sit in the living room and enjoy a drink. Slyly again she made and excuse and got my father in law inside in the dining area, just opposite the room we were seated in- to hear everything that was being told to us. My husband was standing behind me and refused to close the door, and i was upset about it - but as always didnt say anything. She returned to Hongkong and my husband was to go back to SFO after 3-4 days. He suddenly changed his plan and decided to leave a day earlier- coz his sister wanted him to stop over at Hongkong (coz of his connecting flight) to spend time with her (this pissed me off- doesnt she know that we were just married we and didnt know when we would meet again, as our weddinng date for the actually religious marriage was not fixed) I tried very hard and cried too, but he said giver her sometime and this one time let me go, henceforth this wont happen. Though my heart did not want to- but I let go, not understanding why my husband was making this choice, as my sister in law would fly often to SFO coz of her flying career and was there at least once a month. Such small incidents kept continuing and I kept quiet and did not react. In the interim, she found a guy and her wedding was fixed. This time, way in advance I had told my husband that he is not stopping over at Hongkong over night, he has to take the next connecting flight and come to India, he said he owuld definitely try his best as he had 'subject-to-load' tickets given to him by his sister. Of course, he did not come the same day, as he said there were no seats available. Anyways I let go. After 3- days, my sister in law came in too and so did her to-be-husband for the wedding. Throughout the wedding, she would want his attention and spend time with him, as against her own in laws. In fact, on the wedding day, her mother in law, asked me is she happy about this wedding coz it does not show on her face, i assured her yes she is, she is just tired with all the preparations, thats it. I had worked very hard for her wedding with all the preparations, since she was not here and had bought her the wedding outfit too. during this time, whenever I'd tell my husband that he is not giving me any attention and we would end up arguing, he would say, ' she is my sister and very important to me- i will do anything to make her happy especially during her wedding (which was the second one) and you can choose to sulk, but this is how its going to be. anyways all this was over and she went off on her honeymoon, my father in law, husband and i took off for a short beach holiday- here my husband gave me lots of attention at all times- in fact she would call up and ask her father n brother, while she was honeymooning " how u guys doin: having fun? i wish i cud come? are uguys missin me?"- why wud we miss her when she was on her honeymoon and why shud she want to be with us- when actually she shud be spending time with her husband. Her husband too subtly wud tell her often' let go off ur brother and lead his life, stop interfering so much'. Anyways in a couple of months we were getting married. She arrived much before her husband and in fact one night at my in-laws, i took her away and confronted her as to why was she on this ego trip. i told her that she needs to accept that I am priority in her brothers life and that its not goin to change. I am in no way trying to come in between the brother and sister and she needs to know too what her limits. I told her I was upset with her she did not once come to india to help me shop for my wedding, in fact she purposely swapped flights every 10 days to SFO. She had to hand over my mother in laws jewellery to me for the wedding, but kepy it for the last 2 days and did not even send me a picture- for me to see if it matched any of my wedding outfits and could wear it. In fact she instigated my father-in-law to set a very small budget for a new jewellery set for me to buy, so low that would not be worthy enough to wear at the wedding. She did this because, during her wedding, my father in law told me that i need to choose a nice design as he would like to gift me heavy wedding jewellery, to which she told me, you have moms jewellery that you can wear, but im not going to give it to you permanently, its only on borrowable basis- i was very hurt, as i wasnt even interested in it and my father in law said- u will get what u have to, we can break the old set and i will add in money and buy a new set with a new design for u..that of course didnt happen as she again started emotionally blackmailing her dad and brother sayin ' mom is no more, and that her jewellery we should keep in tact'- anyways i wore much much better jewellery than her, given to me by my mom and she was shocked to see how amazing it looked. all this time whenevre i told my husband about his sister's weird behaviour, he would say u came here to SFO and things will change and be much better. Now that I am here, nothing has changed. They meet and hug and kiss all the time, as if, they are the only brother and sister in the world. My husband and i have always had to change our plans to go out, as she always wants us to come over or accommodate her wishes into our plans. Due to this behaviour and he always ending up doing what his sister wants us to do- my husband and i have had very very bad arguments- to the extent where i have slit my hands and almost taken pills. I love my husband and hate the fact that when his sister is around he only gives her attention and i am totally ignored. we only argue about this and otherwise have a very good married life, even sexually. I always tell him that he hurts me that he chooses his sister over me all the time.He still tells me give me time i will change. Since she has been behaving so obssessed with her brother, it has driven me to insanity and i have seen this weird side of me, which i never was. He wud never tell me what he and his sister talked over the phone daily and that she calls him so often, upset with this, i kept checking his itemised bills and cell phone call history and would let him know that he is hiding things from me. I started throwing tantrums everytime he said he wants to go and visit her every week off he had but finally gave in thinking to myself that i wanna see him happy and his happiness matters to me more than anything else. I would however get upset when all of us met, coz they went on with their hugs and kisses, as if they were meeting after so many years...****** me off still!! What prompted me to write this was 'last nite, on a silly argument, my husband told me that his sister was very important and i was equally important. I argued back saying ' she has to be less important coz i am ur wife and if thats not the case he shudnt be here with me'. My husband said my love and feelings towards him were "like obsession" and this has hurt me deeply. I never waited and even if it wasnt my fault i was the first to make up, coz i didnt want to see him upset and for us not to cuddle and lay in bed or just be silly in love. I told him that earlier i let go of stuff but now it was hurting and upsetting me so i was verbal about my feelings. I am in love with him and cant stay away from him, and that his attitude has changed a lot, since our engagement. Everyone in his family loves me a lot and I know i am giving more than my 100% to this relationship and I dont see my love being reciprocated by him enough. I am majorly hurt and upset and dont have any family here, whereas he has half of his family here and I feel lonely and have only him to talk to about everything. He is a very loving, warm, respectful and kind hearted man, but this behaviour of his has scarred my heart permanently, i want to save this relationship and marraige permanently............your views, thoughts and suggestions are welcome.........
siakhanmalhotra siakhanmalhotra
2 Responses Aug 14, 2010

This is what is gonna happen honey, your husband is gonna carry on with his crazy obsession relationship with his sister, while everyday your gonna grow more and more insane and ultimately become a changed person (if you haven't already). Or you have a family sit down with the whole family, no matter how embarrassing it may be and say that some changes need to be made because you are going into depression. Have family that would support you present, family that really like you and knows your a good person. Surprisingly desi families respond very well to aggresive women and will see that its tearing your family apart, try being a little bit bitchy next time to your sister in law, show her whose boss, show your husband whose boss. I can't help but think of my fathers obsession with my grandmother (a bigb *****), she controlled our family money, would get my mother and siblings in trouble and beat all the time. Finally my mother started getting depressed, she told my grandma off, my dad off, had a sit down with the whole family with some outsiders present. Everyone agreed that my my grandma leave the house so my mom can be at peace. everybody saw how crazy she was getting and how much it was affecting her. With the umbilicol cord kinda cut from my grandma my dad slowly developed a new bond with my mother and us. My dad is a changed man now, and regrets everything he did to my mom considering she turned into a depressed zombie who he has to take care of now. Girlfriend I suggest you take action soon otherwise the last thing you want is to be in depression and be a senseless zombie hooked on depression pills.

we're on the same boat. my husband also has one sister, and that sister irritates me a lot coz she always wants to be the center of attention. i can relate to your experience of having to move your schedules ba<x>sed on her whims, because my sister in law is also like that, with us having to postpone our own family's activities because she wants to be fetched or brought along. the last vacation we had, she tagged along and she was such a pain in the *** coz she's so picky with food, sensitive with the weather, a whiner and all. i just try to understand because she's sick (she's undergoing dialysis twice a week) but sometimes i feel she's just using that sickness as an excuse. i hate her too...but what do we do? maybe just find comfort in the thought that you are not alone...i guess that's the only comfort i can give coz you comforted me too by sharing your story...