Never Get CloseI used to be great friends with my (now husband's) sister. Over the course of 2-3 years, we had many good times and great memories.
While I always enjoyed spending time with her, there were certain things about her that irked me. I shared these feeling with my husband, and he passionately agreed, but he's an easy-going person and doesn't let things bother him. Unfortunately, I'm not like that.
I thought that my sister-in-law had many, many self-absorbed tendencies. She loved talking about herself, but when anyone else spoke, she seemed obviously disinterested. She also interrupted quite often (always with a "Sorry to cut you off, but...") I also noticed that I was almost always the one to initiate a get together or a phone conversation. When we did get together, it was usually at their house 90% of the time. There were a few times where we asked her and her husband if they would like to get together and they replied "YES!", but when we asked if they would come over to our place, suddenly something would come up and they couldn't make it.
After about a couple years of letting these things irritate me and get me down, I finally decided to be a big girl and speak with her about it. So, I did. At first, she said that she was just going through some stuff and that's why she'd been acting self-involved lately. I didn't back off...I clarified that I and my husband/her brother (he told me to tell her he agreed with me), had felt this way about her years. I tried not to speak too harshly and assured her that we absolutely loved her and always enjoy our times together...this is just something that has bothered us, and I try to operate by honesty is the best policy. Personally, if I were doing something that upset any of my friends, I would hope they would speak with me about it. Well, after our talk, she said she needed time to think about it.
She didn't speak with me (wouldn't return any calls or emails) for a few weeks. Finally, a couple days before Christmas, she sends me a long email basically saying that she disagreed with me. She said she had contacted all her close friends and noone else shared our feelings, so the probably is obviously with us. And that if she bothers us so much, maybe we shouldn't continue to be friends. I called her (upset), trying to assure her that not being friends was definitely not what we want. She answered, but was stone cold the whole time I spoke with her. I was miserable all Christmas thinking about it, while she just seemed not to give a damn (yeah- the Christmas get together was awkward). From my perspective, the way she handled she situation confirmed that she is indeed self-involved. It was like she didn't care at all that I was obviously hurting. I wanted to talk things through, but she just shut me out.
I was further aggravated a few months after the fact when a couple of her close friends asked me what was going on. When I told them, they both told me that she had never spoken to them about it. When she had told me she had asked all of her close friends if they agreed with me?
Well, this all happened last Christmas. A year later, we are speaking again...we get together with our mutual friends sometimes, she was a bridesmaid in our wedding, but nothing is the same. While we act like close friends when people are around, it always feels so fake. We don't hang out on our own anymore.
A mutual friend has told me that I need to get over it and not let her have the power to make me upset. I wish I could do that. If she was just a friend, I could. Actually, if she was just a friend, I would have written her off a while ago. But she's my sister in law. She'll always be there, and I hate this uncomfortable icy barrier we have between us. I wish we could be close again, but she hasn't changed. Not one bit.
I hate her.