So Torn, Maybe You Can Help

I am a newlywed, happy as can be. I love my husband and am blessed to have him in my life but what comes with new husbands comes undesirable relatives. In this case my husband's sister.
I made my husband's sister a bridesmaid ( first mistake). We were engaged for approx. 2 years. I made the girls get their dresses a little early, she was not pleasant. She didn't speak ( to anyone) stated what she could and could not wear and at the end she said expressed her distress on not having a ring yet for herself . After that I heard nothing from her until a month before the wedding. She asked me nothing and when I did bring it up she would walk away or choose not to be involved.

Once things got going with the parties and thangs... she complained I didn't like her and called her brother to express her sadness about losing her brother with tears and complaints. She blamed my sister for not including her ( happen to be my maid of honor) and continued to complain about the one job she was given as a bridesmaid ( she blamed a lot of things on my sister). When the bachlorette party came around she informed my sister that she could not pay more than everyone else ( since she was a bridesmaid it was arranged they would pay the extra expenses). She said this wasn't explained to her and that she wasn't paying, she proceeded to tell my sister she was planning everything wrong and when she has been a bridesmaid before this was never the way things were arranged. She refused to pay until I called her and basically told her to put up or shut up and she had the option not to come ( but she would still have to pay due to her being a bridesmaid), she came.

Day of the party she took one photo of me , then proceeded to constantly text in the limo, not speak to anyone. When my friend proposed a toast she did not join until I "made her". She did not speak to me to rest of the night.

There have been many things that have bothered me about this girl. I was even blamed for putting her into my wedding ( by her mother and herself). I was chastised for putting her in my wedding just because she was his sister and letting her know that fact when she asked me.

I can't seem to write it all down, all the things that erk me about this little girl ( I use " little girl" not because of her age but for her mentality) but her attitude and behavior through the process of my wedding has made me LOATH her. I feel horrible because I usually don't let people get to me . I have decided to separate myself completely from her ( and partially her mother) just for my mental safety ( and their physical lol) for as long as I can.

My dilemma is that she is getting married sometime early next year and my husband has been appointed a groomsman ( double standard I suppose, she did the same thing I did ). I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm not a fake person and I want to support my husband but I don't feel like I would be welcome or genuinely happy for her ( I'm not!). I just don't care for her and my husband will be busy most of the time so "supporting" him would be from a distance.

What should I do????

Thank you for reading
caramelcakes caramelcakes
31-35, F
7 Responses Jul 9, 2012

Honey, I know you don't want to hear this but suck it up and go to the wedding. This is a war that will extend into your home if you don't act fast. It starts with little things and before you know it, your marriage is over. Mine is because of a similar b***h. The best advise I can give, is one that I read in a book: use her own words and actions against her by agreeing with her. I know this sounds crazy but try to agree with everything she says, especially when in front of your husband. And then learn to use those words against her. Making her less wrong by agreeing with her will only show others, especially your husband, how wrong she really is. And it will drive her nuts because if she argues with her, her argument is one sided, and she looks like the evil one. When she tells you that you are doing something to her, tell her, "I'm sorry, how inconsiderate of me. You are absolutely right. I'm glad you pointed it out to me. That way I will know to take it into consideration for next time." I know it sounds like crazy talk, but it will work. I started using this tactic with my soon to be ex-husband, and his sister, and now he is reaching out to me. It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But it will work. Make sure you show others that you aren't using weapons, she is. Only you will know you are using her weaknesses against her like a weapon. Dodge any insults with an "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I was starting to warm up to you. Oh, well, when you decide to be an adult, we can talk." And walk away. This will drop her jaw. It will leave her powerless. Trust me this works. The book I read was called, "How to stop your divorce by Homer McDonald. It uses these tactics to stop a divorce, but you can apply it to anyone. It's basically an old jiu-jitsu tactic, using your opponent's weapons against them. It can be applied to this crazy gal. Do it before she gets so involved in your marriage that she brainwashes your husband. Do not let this happen. I only with I had found this book sooner. I would have used the tactics against my SIL and I might still be married. Good luck!

Hi Tinydoll,<br />
The bridesmaid didn't have to pay extra for wedding expenses directly. They paid for extra things regarding the bachlorette party. The girls who went to the bachlorette party paid a soild fee and the "extras" ( that weren't determined til the end of the shindig) were paid by the bridesmaids. my sister in law decided she was going to pay what the "guests" were paying and didn't want to pay for the extras ( if any). She said she wasn't a millionaire and no one told her about this rule. She said the way it was being done was wrong and that everyone pays the same price. She said she would not pay for anyone else's good time. Even though that was not happening but she just didn't want to pay her share. My other bridesmaid were proud to pay whatever they had to so we could have a good time and they knew that costs would be higher for them than the "guests" involved. Some of the girls dropped out and they still paid their share so nothing would come up short.<br />
<br />
I have been thinking about this and I am still not sure what I am going to do. When the time is closer I will decide. For now I will be avoiding her like the plague.<br />
<br />
Thank you for your advice.

The bridal party had to pay extra for wedding expenses?? (Correct me if I'm wrong, just curious). <br />
<br />
Okay, she sounds like a **** but out of respect for your husband, you should really be beside him. Everyone knows he's married to you and you don't want people saying "oh where is 'caramelcakes?'" (lol) and have him uncomfortable and lying through his teeth about your absence. Paste on a smile and get through it babe. Then after it's over, just like aradia11 said, avoid her as much as you can.

I had a very similar situation like yours. But in the end I went to the wedding. Well it wouldnt look good if you didn't go. She was your bm and yea I know how it feels but put it this way what would his family think of you if you didn't go. Plus I couldn't think of an excuse. Im glad I went actually. chances are she ll be too busy to care or notice you. Btw one of her bm her long time best friend was hitting on my fiance at that time all freaking night. So i'm glad I went. I suggest you do too.

Thanks Betina!<br />
<br />
I have decided to make my final decision closer to the wedding date and if I feel the same I will not attend. I have realized that I should be free to protect myself and that means to stay away from negative people despite what anyone thinks of it. I have to be true to myself , that's all I really have at the end of the day. I heard a saying once " live by your character , not your reputation" ( something like that).

If you feel compelled to go for your husbands sake then maybe make the <br />
sacrifice. Honesly my dear young one you don't need those negative people<br />
in your life, they will only abuse and reek havoc in your marriage. I would go <br />
attend the wedding THEN AVOID THEM AT ALL PROABLE CAUSE! I hope <br />
you don't live near them if so do try to move. <br />
<br />

Have you spoke to your husband about his sisters behavior? <br />
She is irrational, immature and borders on a personality disorder. <br />
I never realized how possesive sisters can be (till now) I would <br />
definitely try talking to him. She is too immature and wants all the <br />
attention could be the reason she behaved so badly at your wedding. <br />
<br />

Hi Betina!
Yes, I have spoken to him about it and before the wedding he tried to stick up for me ( and him) when it came to his sister. He contacted his mother for help and they ended up yelling at him, making excuses for her . It was horrible. I looked at him and felt so bad because he looked so defeated and I realized that has been his existence his entire life and he made a lot more sense to me.

The problem is now that the wedding is over and things have calmed down I am still feeling this resentment and he doesn't seem to feel the same way. I assume because he's use to this and the actual treatment was not directly at him. He only heard second hand ( from me). Its hard for people to understand totally unless they experience it themselves, no matter what they tell you.

Question is.. "Do you think I am justified in not going to her wedding"? I feel bad but at the same time not for her but for my husband. I don't want to abandon him but....nothing I feel for the girl is genuine, so why go?