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I Need Advice!!!!

MY HUSBANDS SISTER WHO WAS 24 WHEN SHE MOVED IN WITH US TWO YEARS AGO IS VERY INCONSIDERATE!! THE FIRST TIME SHE CAME TO VISIT US FROM LEBANON WHERE SHE WAS LIVING HER HER PARENTS, SHE CAME TO TRAIN IN THE SAME AD FIRM MY HUSBAND MANAGES. IT WAS THREE MONTHS. THEN, SHE WENT BACK AND DECIDED TO COME AGAIN AND THIS TIME, FOUND A JOB HERE IN A DIFFERENT AGENCY. I WAS NEVER INFORMED THAT SHE WAS GOING TO LIVE WITH US PERMANENTLY. I HAD ASKED MY HUSBAND A COUPLE OF TIMES WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN LATER. BUT HE JUST SAID, WE'LL SEE HOW HER JOB GOES. THAT WAS IT!!! HER AND I DO NOT GET ALONG. WE'RE JUST ON TWO DIFFERENT WAVELENGTHS. SHE IS MESSY, UNORGANIZED, CONCIETED, DISRESPECTFUL AND UNGRATEFUL TO PEOPLE. WHEN SHE LIVES WITH US, IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN A HOTEL. SHE COMES AND GOES ALL THE TIME, AND NEVER SPENDS TIME WITH US. SHE BOASTS ALL THE TIME HOW GREAT SHE'S DOING AT WORK AND HOW EVERYONE APPRECIATES HER IDEAS. SHE NEVER LETS ME IN OR MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM HER SISTER. HER LIFE IS ALL ABOUT WORK AND PARTYING, HER FRIENDS. SHE HAS A HABIT OF TAKING WHAT SHE NEEDS FROM MY ROOM AT TIMES, AND NOT ASKING FIRST, OR GIVING THINGS BACK. I HAVE TO REALIZE THAT THAT THING IS MISSING, FOR ME TO ASK HER TO GIVE IT BACK. THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I POINTED OUT HOW CARELESS OR MESSY OR IRRESPONSIBLE SHE WAS, AND SHE WOULD GET UPSET AND ASK ME NOT TO CHANGE THE WAY SHE LIVES. (REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT SHE "IS" LIVING IN OUR HOME! OR NOT!) THE PROBLEM ALSO IS, SHE'LL TEND TO REMIND ME THEN THAT SHE APPRECIATES US TAKING HER IN UNDER OUR ROOF, BUT TO KINDLY LET HER LIVE HER LIFE THE WAY THAT SUITS HER. SHE NEVER ONCE BROUGHT ANYTHING TO THE HOUSE, OR SUGGESTED TO TAKE US OUT. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE TOTALLY EXCLUDED FROM HER LIFE, EVEN THOUGH SHE LIVES WITH US!!! I THINK HER PARENTS ARE HAPPY SHE'S LIVING HERE BECAUSE THEY ARE RID OF THE HORRIBLE ATTITUDE SHE USED TO HAVE WITH THEM, AND THEY ARE SURE SHE IS SAFE LIVING HERE WITH HER BROTHER'S FAMILY. MY HUSBAND ALSO SUPPORTS THE DECISION OF HER STAYING WITH US, BECAUSE WE LIVE IN AN ISLAMIC SOCIETY, WHICH FROWNS UPON THE SINGLE, UNMARRIED WOMAN THAT LIVES ON HER OWN. SO BASICALLY I AM STUCK WITH HER HERE, AND CANNOT STAND HER GUTS! EVERYTIME SHE DOES SOMETHING AND I GET UPSET, BECAUSE I FEEL SHE HAS DISRESPECTED THE FACT THAT I AM UNHAPPY WITH HER BEHAVIOR, SHE MAKES IT ALL PERSONAL, AND WE STOP TALKING. OF COURSE, THIS SITUATION BECOMES VERY UNBAREABLE FOR MY HUSBAND, BECAUSE HE HAS TO MAKE SURE THAT BOTH HIS WIFE AND SISTER, ARE HAPPY. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS NOW, AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN TAKE IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER SHE WILL LIVE WITH US. MAYBE TILL SHE FINDS A SUITABLE SUITOR FOR MARRIAGE OR WHAT? BUT THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE IN THE HORIZON ANYTIME SOON, BECAUSE SHE ALSO HAS AN AGGRESSIVE WAY WITH GUYS...SHE JUST BECOMES "ONE OF THE GUYS" WHEN SHE MEETS ONE. NOT VERY FEMININE!!! WELL, SHE JUST BUGS ME TO HELL! ANY ADVICE PEOPLE? WHAT SHOULD I DO? MY ENTIRE FAMILY AND ALOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE SURPRISED WITH HOW LONG I'VE PUT UP WITH HER...AND THEY ALL SEE HOW SHE ACTS AND BEHAVES...THEY ARE SHOCKED! I JUST FEEL I AM NOT LIVING ALONE IN MY OWN HOME!!!!

Noush Noush 31-35 10 Responses Aug 19, 2008

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tell the hubby if her job is so great she needs her own place. She's not in Lebanon anymore so single women get roommates or live alone if they want to be American. If not get a lock on your room and draw up a contract on living issues she has to abide by.

Have you discussed it with your husband? Probably many times you did…but of course, it's his young sister and he's not going to put her out in the streets. At this point, you got only 3 things left to try: 1) give an ultimatum to your husband (make sure you don't ask him to choose, that's not right and you will become the monster)…2) speak up towards her (stay respectful, don't raise your voice and tell her straight, ex.: tell her "next time you want to use something of mine, just ask…you wouldn't like it if I used your things?!"…something in those lines, try to corner her…..3) play along with her game (if she's playing the innocent, sweet and appreciative girl…play the nice appreciative wife and when an opportunity shows up, make sure you have your husband next to you as a witness, that way he will take your side and see how much you've been putting up with her and will try to encourage his sister to behave better). I know those things are not easy to do considering that we are nice and understanding….but she's being selfish therefore, you got the right to be selfish. It is your home after all !! And you know what? If you want to get her to take you out or do things for you…since she loves her brother and he cares for her, at supper time, during conversations just say : "your sister was so kind and offered to take us out saturday for supper to show us how much she appreciates us having her in our home!"…she can't say "no" in front of him and if she later on confronts you and asks you why you did so…just tell her "I know you've been wanting to take us out and didn't have a chance…I felt it last time…but it's ok, I helped you by bringing it up for you. Always play dumb….but when actually, you are being smarter then her. And last thing, pray to God for her to find someone soon !! :) lol
Hope this helps, it might sound not too nice to do but sometimes, with girls like this, we got no choice…that's how I learned with my sister-in-law…I still am trying hard to keep her away but mine knows all my weaknesses…which is not good. So, try and not show her all your assets.
Good luck, keep me posted !

Think she is asking for someone to take charge and put her in her place.

I would set down with your husband and then her after you asnd him have rules. i hope he is more modern and doesnt have cultural set backs. your marriage is number one

Time for an ultimatum. She is living in America and has to realize she is allowed to live on her own. YOu have to give your husband a choice - her or you and if he chooses her then leave. You have rules in your house and you and your husband are paying the house payment if she cannot abide by these rules then make her pay rent. She has a job and also lock your stuff up in a file cabinet or somehwee where she cannot take your stuff. She is not entitled to your stuff.

we're in the same situation, i got tired of it so i moved out. it's hard but i decided to move out because of the light and water expenses, fridge is like trash and etc. she even brought her own sil, and worst, her husband is jobless.

You need to set boundaries with both her and your husband. I fear that you will one day leave him because of all the stress on your marriage and then you will look back and think "why did I not stand up for myself and demand a level of respect I deserved at the time" Take back control and teach this spoilt little brat a lesson before she ruines your marriage I say. You could also make her life very uncomfortable by depriving her of things you pay for and for gods sake put a lock on your bedroom door so she cant take things as she pleases. How rude is she? Good luck.

Goodness!! This sounds terrible and I know it is hard to discuss with your husband about kicking her out, easier said than done. You can start by making a long list of rules to obey and pin it somewhere in your house so that everyone has to abide by it. Make sure you voice out in front of her to your husband to abide by them so she doesn't feel that it is only for her. That way it might make it easier for you.<br />
Borrowing without asking is bad and also make sure that you include cleaning up etc on the list.<br />
I hope this helps, good luck.

It's like you're describing me...it's the same thing! In our society, she cannot live on her own, and her parents are too old to care or worry about her. She is 20 and acts like she is 12. She comes and goes as she pleases, leaves a trail of filth wherever she goes. I am grossed out of my own house. When I ask my husband when she is going to leave he hemms and haaws and doesn't give me a straight answer. <br />
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She doesn't know her boundaries with my husband, she sits in his lap and nibbles his fingers, and sits there with her low waist jeans and her *** hanging out, and he is surprised when I mention it, because he's oblivious to what she's doing. She feeds him from her fork and shares her coffee mug with him...am I crazy or is that intolerable? <br />
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I am about ready to kick her out physically, and throw her junk after her in the street.

i can totally relate to your situation, except for 2 big differences- my mil gave dh downpayment for the house we bought, and also that entailed a promise to mil that sil could live under our roof for prety much free...and 2. we had a newborn child at the time when we moved into our new house and sil moved in with us...my sil behaved Exactly as u mentioned above and also totally disrespected the fact that there was a baby in the house that needed quite time for nap time ....i finally told DH that it was his choice...me or her....we kicked her out..but now i have put up with almost a decade of abuse from her (my sil) and the mil and even his brother!!..