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My Sister, The Narcissist

I am a compassionate, loving, positive-thinking, and open-minded person. I have always loved everyone - really. I was born "sunshiny" (my friends and family tell me this often).   So for me to even feel hatred is brand new experience. I am in my 40's so it took 4 decades for me to actually hate someone at all... and sadly, that "someone" is my own sister.  My sister is 2.5 years older than I am.  She is a bully and always has been. As a child though, I didn't realize just how much she was terrorizing the whole family. We are the only two children...  We have a mother who is afraid of confrontation, and thus spent much time saying things such as "don't let her get you down", "she doesn't really mean it", and "let's keep from arguing - just be the bigger person and drop it, OK?". I actually obeyed and found ways to let it all just roll off my back.  As adults, I attempted nine times to have a friendship with my sister - (ALL of the effort was on my part). She reciprocated for a while, so I thought we were getting better.  However, she would discontinue it after a little while, and I would have to try to open those lines of communication and friendship again and again. I know now that her friendliness toward me was fake though (because she recently told me so). What has happened now though - the thing she did that finally broke my "camels back" - was how she reacted to my going down to our parents home to take care of them.  During the year I was in my parents' city, my father passed away. Surprisingly, this is not what she holds against me (as far as I can tell) - and I promise you he died of old age and complications from his many ailments. My father was a stoke vicitim of 12 years, paralysed, unable to speak, severly diabetic, etc. For those 12 years, my mother was his caregiver. I lived 380 miles away and my sister lived 7 miles from them. She NEVER gave my mother even one day off. She never learned how to care for my dad (in case my mom got sick or something) - in other words, she was no help to them. When I went down to help them 3 years ago, it was because my mother called me and asked me to. So of course, I went to help. What I found when I got there though, was that Mom was losing her short-term memory. This was not OK since she was the only caregiver for my dad (she even had begun to forget whether or not she had given him insulin!), so I resigned from my county job and stayed with them - for a year. Since my sister's daughter lived there also - I had no bedroom, and slept on the floor of the den. I still didn't complain though, because it was so nice to have my niece's company during that time.
After losing my dad, I helped my mom fix up the house, put it on the market, sell the house, and pack up 56 years of stuff. Then I found her a retirement complex in my city that she liked - and she lived there for a year. I have been her caregiver ever since... while her Dementia progesses.
Bottom Line:  My sister has accused me of stealing mom's money, accused me of "living like a Queen" at mom's expense, and wrote the most hateful, mean, and hurtful emails to both me and mom. Once she saw that Mom was going to stay with me, she called the Dept. of Children and Families and reported me as "abusing" my mother with Financial Exploitation.  We were investigated, and the file was closed due to a "total lack of evidence".  Since Mom has been with me now for over three years, my sister has visited twice. Once to ask for power of attorney over mom, which mom refused because she is not that ill yet, and can still make her own decisions; the second visit was to accuse me of stealing (again) and brought a bunch of copies of things she'd printed out from mom's bank account (checking). I answered all of those accusations with facts. So she yelled that "It is obvious Mom has been coached" and that she (my sister) "was ambushed".  I take care of my mom 24/7, and she now lives in my home with me (the dementia has progressed some, and she had begun missing medicine doses or getting confused about them), so I moved her in my house to watch over that more carefully.  My sister has only called three times in the 9 months that mom has lived with me, and all three times my sister started big arguments with my mom - accusing her of being "easily snowed" and "not knwoing what she was doing", leaving my mom crying at the time of hanging up. My sister has never once come to see mom at my house... and has NEVER offered to give me a break of any kind, even though in the beginning I asked her to come and help many times (and my sister said that "obviously, we will tag-team this". Next, my sister convinced her daughter of these lies, and now I have lost my relationship with my niece as well. For all this, I have given up the sanctuary/peace of my home, my job, my retirement input (because I am now unemployed), lost my health insurance, and live as a caregiver fulltime. My sister can only see that my mother helps with the bills (its ALL about money with my greedy sister).  However, what my Mom pays is half of what I used to earn at my job... and dmy mother is fortunate to have a good retirement income.
By the way, it should be noted that before I moved mom up here, my sister's children (ages 20 and 22 at the time) were living with our mom and dad completely free of any charges (rent, electric, food, phone, etc). I thought this was kind of my mother to do, and never once had a problem with it... UNTIL, my sister's son started being a drunken drug addict.  He stole from my parents, argued and verbally abused my mom-- he actually drove my mother to the point of obtaining a restraining order against him.  Still my sister did not even go down there to help - not until I called her and demanded that she take him away from our parents! Now she blames me for making her have to leave her job (for one day) and go to Miami for what she refers to as "an unnecessary inconvenience", and "a waste of gas and time", and that it was "not as bad as I had made it out to be". Ugghh.
I do wonder how my sister can be so ungrateful, so unwilling to help out, and so hateful, when I am doing what I think is my family responsibility - one that she yet to even offer to our mother. Since I studied a lot about personallities and social problems in college, I now know that my sister is passive-aggresive and suffers from extreme low self-esteem; conditions which now have turned into full-fledged narcissim. Her exaggerated sense of self-importance is appauling!  Well... Thanks for listening. I am interested in hearing opinions on my story.
jscarbo124 jscarbo124 46-50, F 153 Responses Jun 22, 2010

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Diddo, amazing how parallel my case is. Wow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

i have many narcissists in my family , also my in -laws , we have a baby, i am worried that she can grow narcissist too.... how can i be sure my bby will grow normal? it would brake my heart :/

Well, you have emails & letters. These will undoubtably contain conflicting statements, logical fallacies & cognitive dissodence.

You can further expose her flimsy arguments by asking for some substantiation either logically, philosophically, or factually to verify any … claims like "ambushing" her on a visit. You can site the definition of an ambush from the dictionary, then ask her to tell you how this applies so that you may understand & maybe apologize?
Often kooks will say "I define (word of choice here) in this manner so to me it means bla bla bla." This is the the moment to let it be known that English is your language of your choice & the collective predetermined definitions that most people use is the foundation of your communication.

The beautiful part is you only deal with her when she comes around, she has to be & live that way 24/7. Sounds fun.

Gosh, your story sounds much like mine, only my sister visited my Mom, knowing she was starting to lose her memory and whose husband was a jerk, but for some reason like my younger sister and her husband (I suppose because she knew how to manipulate them). My sister at the time, lived in Nebraska, but fed them a line that they were going to move back and they were going to buy a house close to them and would take care of them. Convinced Mom to change her will and make her the Executrix, from me, who worked in an attorney's office and could do the probate for nothing... would not charge a cent on my part or anything.
My older sister and I tried several times to get help for my mother and her dementia, but her husband would not allow it. He wanted to be in charge and told us so. He would pull tricks on Mom to make her mind even worse. He did not want me to ever tell Mom about him trying to molest my daughter. Finally, one day he dropped dead. My older sister and I tried to convince our Mom to move in with one of us, but she would have nothing to do with that. We finally got someone to come in 3 days a week and she hated that... then one day she got a kidney infection and ended up in the hospital (first time in 50+ years). When she left the hospital, we were told that she either had round the clock care, or she had to be placed in a home. Mom just didn't understand at all.
Knowing my youngest sister who lived 20 minutes from Mom and participated very little in any of the arrangements told me and my older sister (who lives 7 hours away) that we would have to find somewhere halfway between me and the younger (narcissistic sister). I wanted to place Mom close to me, because I knew I'd be the one taking care of her. At this point the only way she could come live with me would be if I hired a sitter during the day, as I still worked and living in an old farm house, there is a step up or down to practically every room. My older sister was worried that Mom might fall. So, we placed her 25 miles from me and 25 miles from the younger sister.
As predicted, I would go once or twice a week to see Mom and the younger sister, maybe once every 6 to 8 weeks unless Mom was in the hospital and then she was jolly on the spot thinking she might die and she could take over.
Then there was the go around with younger sister wanting to auction Mom's house and contents. The house wouldn't have brought anything the way it was. And she wanted her "buddy" to do the auctioning. My older sister and I figured she was wanting to buy it for her daughter for little of nothing. We weren't stupid. I use to work in real estate. So, I quit my job to work on Mom's house to get it ready to sell. Everyone was suppose to pitch in.
We had a tag sale to dispose of Mom's personal property. Prior to that the three sisters sat down and we were to make a list of 5 things we wanted that belonged to Mom and DAD (not her second husband), that would be a reminder of them. My older sister and I picked out things like glasses and mixing bowls, that sort of stuff... not the youngest sister. She picked out things that would bring money at the sale, like vintage Coke items, a ring in a celluloid box that didn't even belong to Mom during that time... expensive stuff with the exception of a picture. One of the items my older sister wanted was a set of green glasses Mom used at Christmas. We never found them. Younger sister never said a word. About a year later she let it slip by saying she had found some red glasses that were just like Mom's green ones and how pretty her Christmas table was with every other place setting red and green. (Mystery solved as to where they went)
Anyway, my older sister and I purchased what we wanted at the tag sale. The younger sister just came up and took what she wanted. We know this because some of the items we were going to buy disappeared and she was the one with the key. The guy conducting the sale was willing to clean out the rest of the items and sell on consignment, but no, younger sister said her auction buddy would sell the rest at his auction house. I told her he would need to get the stuff asap as we needed to get busy on the house to get it ready to sell. Six weeks later I show up to start to work and everything is still there. I called her and told her he needed to get the stuff out so we could get to work. I would be back in two weeks. (let me make a little point here... during the tag sale my younger sister was standing beside me and my husband when one of the tag people came up and asked about selling the washer and dryer... I told them NO, THEY STAY WITH THE HOUSE)... younger sister standing right there. Well, two weeks later, I show up, walk in and what's missing... washer and dryer and about 20 other items and all the rest of the stuff is still there! I spent an entire summer working on that house boxing up stuff, hauling off stuff to a different auction house, rented a U-Haul, the biggest they had, a dumpster, the biggest we could get and my older sister came when she could and we cleaned out the house. I couldn't get the old washer and dryer back from that jerk and younger sister said she didn't know... the hell she didn't know. Said I could bring my stuff to her house and wash them. Like I was going to drive 30 minutes to her house to do laundry. I went and bought a washer and dryer.
She would come up and spy on me all the time, and have her in-laws spy on me as to what I was doing, but little sister never lifted a finger to help. According to her, spending all that money and time was a waste. I had a $10,000 budget. I ended up using another $2200 of my own money, probably more. After 4 and a half months, I listed the house for what younger sister said it would never bring on a Friday and it sold on Tuesday for the asking price and then it was why didn't you list it for more.
Every time Mom would go in the hospital she would be ready to take over and run things. I know her and the only reason she had Mom change that will was so she could take a fee (and it will be a nice fee thanks to me taking care of Mom's accounts for the past three years). Will I get reimbursed for any of my work... no. Will she get compensated for signing her name... yes.
This from a woman who disowned her oldest daughter 20+ years ago when her oldest daughter turned her step-father (my younger sister's current husband) in for molestation. She blamed her daughter, not the husband. Did she care that her child was molested, no. He did the same to her middle child. Did she care... no. But as it turns out, that daughter is also narcissistic and even better at it than her mother. Both know how to lie and get what they want. With them it is all about the money and the control.
My sister will be my best buddy for a while if my older sister ****** her off, right now she is speaking to the older sister and not me. She has been like this for a long time. She can never get along with both of us at the same time because she is always trying to play one of us against the other. We are on to her and it doesn't work.
The younger sister is now trying to undermine the older sister who is POA for our uncle. She now visits him and is trying to worm her way into getting him to change his will to make her executrix by telling him that my older sister is too busy and not well and all kinds of crap. She is good...

you have done what you could.forgive her and dont keep any hate in your heart.since u did what u could you r free.if she doesnt want a good relationship with u its her problem.just Pray :)

Just ignore her and carry on with your life.

Resentment is giving someone space in your head rent-free.
"Divorce" is not only for married couples. Since I have "divorced" my sister, my life is so much better. She is dead to me so she no longer has any power to affect anything in my life.

narcissism is the result of an abusive upbringing. often one child is idealized by the abusive parent and the other one is denigrated. thus they develop different methods to  get narcissistic supply - for example by helping people. Narcissists create a false self (superman-like) "compassionate, loving, positive-thinking, and open-minded".
"I have always loved everyone - really. I was born "sunshiny" (my friends and family tell me this often)"
Nobody loves everybody. Sounds pretty exaggerated. Sounds as if it is very important to you the people tell you so.

The idealized child and the denigrated child both are instrumentalized and treated like objects.

if your sister is narcissistic you are likely also narcissistic.

That is soooo not true, Maya. In multi-child households, narcissistic parents usually choose one child as their "mini-me," and the other becomes the family scapegoat. The scapegoated child is generally the one that is the least like the narcissistic parent, and therefore the least likely to end up being a narcissist.

That isn't to say that the scapegoated child doesn't pick up narcissistic behaviors-they usually do, because that's all they've ever seen. But they aren't narcissists. They have empathy, and can choose to behave in non-narcissistic ways. Usually, once they identify the problems in their family, they can get therapy and go on to live normal, sane, productive, emotionally fulfilling lives.

listen clapping cannot be there without the other hand ,so try to find out from your own self ,where is the fault lies in you.try to be compassionate ,humble and act with wisdom with the sense of acceptance,tolrence and coexistence with your younger sister

I also have a dirtbag sister. My solution? Severed all ties in 1996. I have honor, worth and value and I do not allow people like that in my life. Tomorrow is not promised to any
of us,do not waste time nor energy on the likes of her. Forget her and get on with your life. You wil be glad you did.

You do have a sister who I believe as a behaviour problem where it came to the point that she was the only one who in her opinion should be treated the best.
I know she as said she hates you and in time she will regret saying that when she feels all alone in the world.
Its good that you now look after your mum where you live.
Because at least she can have a more peaceful time.
Rather than all the stress from your sister.
But as I stated she as behaviour problems just like my daughters son did.
Luckily he got help and no long as any bad behaviour problem.
That is the help your sister needs.
But I cannot see her admitting that she needs help.
The word hate is because of her behaviour problem-so I don't believe she really hates you.
She seems to hate her own life-and she can only blame her self for that for not getting help for herself.
Sorry to hear about your dad-but being psychic which you may or may not believe in.
I can tell you your dad is watching over you and your mum-and will in a way try to help your sister.
If you ever want to talk I will be on Sunday and every day after on and off.
And I can feel your mum felt a lot happier when she moved with you.
Your sister-its like an illness where her behaviour became natural to her.
But in the future she will be the one to apologise.
I wish you all well and I am in the UK.
But genuine and a good listener.
Take care and I hope your mum will live a long time yet.

I used to feel so guilty about not loving my sister. I remember being so excited when my parents brought her home from the hospital. I had really prayed for a little sister.

Yet, she did things even as a little kid that angered me so much. She was just plain weird. I tried, but I never could love her. I still don't. I keep her at arm's length and thankfully, she lives over 400 miles away.

Keeping her this way has saved my sanity and my blood pressure. If you can, please do the same. If not, ignore her as much as you can. Most of all, stay strong! Your mom needs you.

Its horrible when constantly attacked by your own family and you should be proud of the graceful way you have handled it. I'm the last person to suggest involving attorneys, but elder law attorneys tend to be very committed to helping seniors--they are very used to dealing with predatory family members and heading them off at the pass.

With all my sympathy and respect, my friend...the world's full of *****, and your sister's one of them. So's her son, from the sound of it. You and your mother don't need either of them in your lives, so my advice is don't have them if you can help it. And once again, all my respect.

Btw...just out of curiosity, do you have kids of your own? Because maybe they could help you and your mother out?

Having been in a simuler situation I feel for you, judt enjoy your mom whilr you have het

Jesus christ! And this sister of yours HAS CHILDREN OF HER OWN?! Please, for the sake of peace of mind, were they too abused? The way her son turned out seems to be evidence that they were...

Hello. Thank you for writing this out. I hope that in doing so, it has taken some of the awful stress and pressure off you - even if just a little bit. I totally get what you're saying; and having been in a situation myself of being forced to face that just because someone is a brother/sister; doesn't automatically mean that they are good people. I used to make the mistake of assuming that and I found by the time I reached adulthood that it was not going to change; there was never even a spark of recognition on the part of one member in my family of the severe distress caused; or of the vile behaviour that was at the bottom of so much heartache. No matter how it comes to you, I wish you every success and happiness for all your kind-hearted actions; and being there for your dear mother.

I totally sympathise or should I say, empathise with what you say. Your sister sounds like mine. It is hard, you wonder why good can be denigrated and bad can blithely sail as accepted. My sister lied to her children, her husband and my husband. Got a job answering his phone in the office because she phoned him on his mobile during the day when she knew I was at work and couldn't know or prevent her plot. She got the job, my husband felt he couldn't then say 'no' to her and she turned him against me. Years ago now, but when she had done that, it was too late when he realised and regretted it. Sorry to take over your story. So I do understand and I hope things work out for you. As far as I can see, they have a hard time matching up to someone they themselves see as better and take steps to ruin it, thereby rising above by default. Seems like that to me. It is a harsh way of strengthening yourself against the hard cold world, but at least you have the better personality she can only wish for. Take pleasure from animals, turn your face to the sun and her shadow will fall behind you, as they say. Best wishes

I am 62 and my sister was 57 10 days ago. We have been fighting each other since we were young. She latched onto Gloria Steinam and the women's liberation movement when it began. I was 18 and she was 13. From the beginning I was a male chauvinist pig. We have not talked to each other for about 40 years. There was a gap of about 5 years when she married. My brother-in-law was able to get us together. Since he died in 1981 she has gone her seperate ways.

I am an avid Feminist, and I know that the movement really needs some serious shaping up. But what really ****** me off about your story is the fact that she sounds like she tries to "own her own oppression". She knows nothing about how to be a feminist. It is not about creating female dominance, it is about ending male dominance. She doesn't realize she alienates potential supporters of the movement with her hostility. That goes for any movement. That's why as a half-black person who black identifies and was raised black, I still cannot stand "black nationalism". It does nothing to help our cause.

I am severely sorry that she doesn't understand even the basics of leftist politics. She should be ashamed of herself, she does nothing to help the feminist cause. She only hinders it and as a result, she only hurts women, not helps them.

But I'm just making presumptions, maybe I'm wrong, I don't know what she's necessarily done for the movement...but I'm just saying she sounds like she's only been hurting it, and that her treatment of men as a result of her beliefs, regardless of whether that man may or may not be a feminist himself, is a big weakness of hers. It shouldn't matter if you're a man or not. What DOES matter is how you, as a man, have treated other women. This reminds me of something that Bob Avakian, chairman of the Revolutionary Communist Party said: "If your religion compels you to fight injustice, then we should fight side by side." And a COMMUNIST said this. And that's something she doesn't get. I would seriously recommend you, when the time is right, telling her off and being real about it. Do some serious analysis of the situation and then tell her exactly what she's doing wrong and telling her what a REAL feminist would do (and that for 40 years now she's made this big mistake). But as you probably know much better than I do, this probably comes with the risk of further aggitating the situation. But think about it! She's going at this the same way she did when she was 13! You could arguably say SHE'S APPROACHING THIS WITH THE MENTALITY OF A 13 YEAR OLD!

And if a communist and a christian can fight side by side, I don't see why she must continue being hostile towards you for being man. She is doing to you exactly what she is trying to fight against: the mistreatment of one gender towards another. In fact you could say that she's being sexist towards you, and that she's giving you a reason to be a "Masculinist" eerrr whatever you would call it! In other words, she's being a hypocrit. A serious, serious hypocrit. And if you want to be a part of a revolutionary movement YOU CANNOT BE A HYPOCRIT!

Reading these stories remind me of when I began to work in the welfare department and had to read cases of child abuse. I had to go for counselling to learn such horrible things go on in families but more importantly I learned how lucky I was to have been born to parents who were just alcoholics and abused drugs and did not abuse me as these children were abused. I lived so someone took care of me. Thank you, imperfect parents.

Reading these make me feel glad I am independent and my own mother died after also being independent in her life. She even left me about $7.000 which I split with my children so they could use it for college.

I so hope my own children continue to be independent and not fight over the little money I have if I become incompetent. I do not expect my children to give up the life I worked so hard to assure they have. If I am unable to care for myself, I want to die if possible and if not, I will spend my last days in a nursing home. Simple.. No drama.

Somehow this looks like a life of selfishness leads to a more peaceful life. No guilt trips for my children please.

My older brother hates me and has hated me since we were small children. Our parents created the situation after we attempted to run away together. One of my last "happy" childhood memories of he and I was falling asleep with him holding me. We got abruptly awoken, asked WHY we had tried to run away. He got beaten and accused of all sorts of wrong doing...I was sent to bed with a mild spanking and got to hear what they did to him. That was the tone of our childhood. Dad brought home treats gave them to me and encouraged me not to share with my older brother. I got treated like a Princess and he got beaten every time I tripped and fell. I REMEMBER my early childhood...he does not remember what they did. So, I tend to put up with his anger and hatred of me more than I should. I asked him once why he hated me and it came down to me being "Born." My birth signaled the change from him being the loved spoiled favorite to me being that.

We grew up with people calling him a "Devil" and me an "Angel." I actually think in his heart he's a bit kinder than me. I have a cold heart toward most people and always have...bizarrely he is one of the exceptions. When our Mom died I discovered HE was a lot more important to me than any money we received. He kept conning me out of cash with absurd "trades" and I just let him. He managed to spend about every penny...I started thinking up ways to make sure he keeps some. I pulled his leather couch our diapers were changed on out of a dumpster because I KNOW when he settles down again he's going to be upset they got trashed. I'll probably end up having them repaired before returning them. His girlfriend's steal everything they can get from him and he loves and adores everyone of them. He hates me for doing nice stuff!

It's improved since our parents died...and I shout and holler back at him just as mean as he shouts and hollers at me! He was completely proud the one time I SNAPPED as a youth and started retaliating back at him for being picked on. Told EVERYONE the story as pleased as punch that his little sister chased him around the house with a broom. It's pretty messed up. As messed up as this is, the volatile relationship has helped me deal with the meanest, rudest, most terrible people successfully. Mean Mother-in-law always doing and saying super mean stuff right when you're trying to impress someone? What would my brother do? Ok let's tone it down some..."Wow, those are about the most hideous pants I've ever seen in my life! You should really throw those in the trash. Underneath all that ugly clothing you're still kind of attractive for your age...you should really let me take you shopping and HELP you pick out something more current!" And "Please, just let me cut those terrible pants up! We can use them for cleaning rags!"

I needed the help being "mean" and my brother helps with that.

Your title is what really caught my eye. Like you I was never hateful, and I enjoyed an enemy free childhood. My Mom recently died of cancer and I cared for both my mom and dad during the past 6 months of my moms life, and I now live with dad. Dad had been diagnosed with alzheimers so I came over to their house to fix dinner, help with mom, and watch every single la kings game without fail. My sister hated my mom and never came to the house with her partner and kids. What Caroline would do is drive to the Rose Bowl on Christmas day to visit with dad for one hour. Caroline would come down from SF to celebrate Christmas with her partners parents, and then spend one hour with dad. Mom absolutely hated that dad would drive less than a mile to the rose bowl to see Caroline. For 15 years this was her relationship with our family. When mom passed away in the hospital, my brother Pete made it in time. Caroline arrived an hour too late. 18 hours after moms death, my sister enters my moms room for the first time in 15 years and in 3 hours she had all of moms belongings in trash bags. As dad walked out the door with my brother Pete to work out funeral and reception arrangements, he says to my sister and me, "dont mess with moms stuff. Those are my memories." One reason for Carolines hatred of my mom is that she smoked. I could not make this up if I tried. She grabs a box of huge trash bags and starts filling each bag with moms belongings. She has one hand on her nose due to the smoke and the other chucking stuff in the bags. When I walked in there I could not believe my eyes. I told her to stop and she said," It's all trash John." The devil himself was in charge of moms belongings. Her intent was to eliminate moms memory, and to throw everything away saying you cant even donate because of the smoke. Mom was very high end. She had the most expensive lotions, full bottles of alleve, advil, tylenol, high end bandages, band aids, new clothes, new shoes, ben gay, endless stuff that any normal person would love to get their hands on. She would not stop and I was completely rattled. Poor mom looking down on this. I then realized that Caroline had put moms purse which was under the bathroom sink in one of trash bags. When I told her that the purse contained all of moms gold, jewelry, and important documents, she snapped at me and said," nobody has been under that sink in 15 years." Shaking, I call her a mother fudging Customer and I left. That night she had the nerve of texting over something nasty and a huge calm came over me and I wrote her my goodbye letter. This was one year ago. She tells me I need psychiatric help, and after witnessing that, she is right. I dont understand how someone does that. There is no two sides to this story. What I share with you is the absolute truth. When dad came home he said what are all those bags in the living room? "Well dad, Caroline managed to bag up all of moms belongings in three hours." Dad would ask every day what those bags were and I had to explain.
One week later Caroline called dad to see if Salvation Army had come to pick up all the garbage bags. Well, dad wanted to sort through the trash bags on his time, when he was ready. I canceled the pick up and Caroline was livid, I mean livid, that I canceled that appointment. She is back in SF and she is pissed off.??????????????She is mad!!!??????because we canceled Salvation Army??????????. People ask me," do you think she felt bad?" My only response is if she is upset about the salvation army, then she does not feel bad. When dad was finally ready to go through moms stuff, he teared up as he opened a bag and found earings, newspapers, bills, trash gold, cash, cigarette butts. This is something I will never understand. She is lucky dad has short term memory loss, otherwise she would be out, no questions asked. Chapters two and three are just as unbelievable. My dad worshipped the ground my mom walked on. Our family really likes Carolines partner, unfortunately we have never spent much time with her. I'm sure when she was driving down to the funeral she must have been thinking,' I sure hope at least a few people show up to funeral.' Then she must have asked herself if maybe Carolines picture of mom was wrong considering 300 people attended the funeral and even more at her reception. I HATE MY SISTER. Thanks, John

Reading your story was like looking into a mirror. I am going through the same exact situation, except for some minor differences. It's amazing how comparable your life is to my life dealing with care and siblings. The common denominator is that my sister is also insecure and suffers from low self esteem. I also studied human anatomy and behavior science.
What caught my attention was when you said you were answering to your sisters stealing accusations from the bank receipts she questioned you on. I too had to sit across and justify what was being spent. After,r i felt so disrespected and ungrateful. I like you always did what was right by my father rather than to satisfy my sisters thoughts. I turned the other cheek for years as i would be bashed and lied about to my family. Enough was enough, she will never change, so i went on the offensive and the only way it was going to stop is if my father would stand up to her and put her in her place.
Caring for your sick and elderly parent 24/7 is one of the hardest things i have ever experienced. They don't have a class for it, and unless you have done it, it is impossible for some one to understand the sacrifice your giving. They dont see how you cant just leave for a few hours, you cant go on vacation, you cant have intimacy the way you should want it, etc. Its the small things that others dont see that we do 24/7 that have the biggest impact. The most important thing that you are doing what know one sees is that your there. Its not how many times you fed, bathed, washed, cleaned, drove, made appointments, gave meds, and a ton of other duties performed, its your presence that gives your mother the sense and security that someone cares and will be there no matter what. You gave your mother extra years on her life, years that will be lived comfortably.
No one deserves to be alone, except for those who show hatred and are selfish. Karma is real, it's not for you or I to administer, it never forgets and always delivers. So you continue to do what your doing and shine you will. Our sisters time will come they will meet Karma soon enough. The longer the wait the worse it will be.

I have a Narcissistic twin sister who has extorted my Dad, my Mom, myself and several of my friends. She has invaded my places of employment and my employers as well. This condition is so devastating. There is no feeling there at all.

WOW I am going through Almost the same thing with my sister (SATAN) She was my best friend, but since my mother got sick with dementia-brain cancer-diabeaties-etc we have been at WAR with eachother,, My mother passed in September of 2013 , 2 months prior she remove my mother from Cameron Glen nursing and Rehab home (against my mother and doctors wishes and medical advice, (all to take her out to where my sister lives and FORGE a new TRUST making herself(instead of me) the TUSTEE and EXECUTOR) it was all done with her friend and neighbor which is a NOTARY REPUBLIC ( I have been fighting this with Attorneys for approximetly 11 months Now, it's only getting worse, the attorneys fees are in aceess of $37000.00 and growing, the new amemded Trust -Will was PROVEN Forged by an FBI handwriting Specialist, back in November of 2013, but my sister,her best friend, the Notary, (who is only after money a payoff), and my sister best friends mother are all keeping the same story,, my life has been a living NIGHTMARE. I was my mother property manager for 30 some year's and her Caregiver for 6 month prior to her death,, I seem to be getting NOWHERE, We need Help, someone who cares and give's a DAM, Im sorry your going through this, and I will say a Prayer for you..<br />
My mothers Estate is worth over 1 million dollars and all of her art work is worth (to me) 20 times that.. she was a Famous artist.. Sure wish we could help eachother?<br />
Sincerly OMF

What makes this a night-mare is that we feel so alone with this because telling anyone about it is too un-believable The narc is sooo good at building her stings. my Twin is an alcoholic and compulsive gambler as well. My Mom had dementia and my sister literally tapped her out of her life savings. I asked my brother to get power of attorney 3 years before she passed and my sister never visited Mom in her last 3 years of life. She would not even stay with me and Mom on her death bed. She has been harassing me constantly with ugly emails to the point of me having to block her (as well as on my Facebook). Now she has resorted to snail-mail. I give her no reaction or response ever. I am terrified of her. My niece (her oldest daughter and my godchild has suffered greatly as well). We cannot allow my sister to know we are in contact in any way or there will be punishment. My niece did not know about my sisters treatments toward me until just a few months ago when her father died. Thankfully we have each other now to release some of the pain. Darn...this is so difficult to write about. I hate to use this phrase but "she has been my anti-Christ" for so many years. My night-Mares. I am not a fighter and I stay away from her but she refuses to leave me alone. I am a very sensitive and an emotional person but very organized and she admits to me that I am easy prey for her. she said "you **** me off because you manage so much better than me on less income than me". This is the only direct response I was ever able to get from asking her why she hates me so much.

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Hi. I have asimilar problem and i feel for you. My sister has traumatised the family since she was 21, when she came home from a weekend away with her boyfriend, pregnant. She lived in our home with her child and dangled the child in front of my parents. They gave in to all of her whims, otherwise she threatened to go. She lived rent free, uni was paid and life was unbearable for me and younger sister. Our parents punished us instead of the perpetrator. We were not allowed to have friends and so we both left home, prematurely. My mother seperated from my dad becasue she wanted to help my sister, when my sister finally got a good job. My mother figured she'd have a baby to look after, while my sister paid for the house. They were an item. Suddenly i was ignored. They had secrets between thjem. I was shocked when i opened my mother's drawer to get a hairbrush out for her when i noticed pictures of my cousins and aunt. I was never shown these and i apparantly wasn't entitled to see them. My life is atotal vacuum from when i was seventeen to my 50s. No family. My mother always treated e as ablacksheep and basically turned every last person in my family against me. She physically abused me (slapping, assault) when i was small and i guess she didn't want to deal with it . She chose to disown me. Now that she is dead my sister has taken over. 4 years ago i was trying to help my sister clean her house nsd i touched a piece of paper. She broke down (she's bipolar), called her husband to come home and get rid of me. He did. He assautled me and broke my collarbone. She wasn't int he house becasue she fled to her local church for 'guidance' becasue i touched a piece of paper. The police was called and they were asking me to press charges. They were rushing me, i was traumatised and then she begged me to drop charges becasue 'it was her fault, he didn't mean it'. I caved in after they threatend me and my child. The only person in the house that was a witness was his mother and the police told me that they may make up stories . i had no choice but to drop charges to protect my child. Since all that, my mother has passed and she left most thing sfor my daughter in her will. My sister has all the things and refuses to cooperate in my having them. She is controlling me and has not yet gotten her husband to open up about what he did to me..i have no closure whatsoever, only more bullying. The police won't allow me to reopen the case as they said he has prepared himself legally and they wouldn't win. I feel sick to the stomach and can't move forward. My collarbone has a bump in it where the break was and i am reminded everyday baout their abuse. They on the other hand, are moving forward quite happily. I don't really know what to do.

I know this sounds easier said than done, but you must remove them from your life. You really don't have a need for her in your life. She is extremely destructive and toxic. Create boundaries. I know how you feel. My sister is extremely destructive, as well.

Your story is almost identical to mine, and my sisters, however theres 2 of them, twins from hell. Cain and Abel. Jacob and Easaw. You ask how your sister could be that way, narcsisstic and all. Well, she learned it growing up from one of your parents, this didnt all of a sudden happen. Shes always been allowed to be controlling, probably never noticed it until now, she feels threatened. Unless an extremely traumatic event takes place, she will never give up that evil, entitled, toxic stance. Ive seen both sisters experience severe trials, and unfortunately, theyve become worse, bitter not better. I feel for you to some degree, but i need to ask why you havent done your own research. Its never healthy to care for family members. If you analyze it, you probably felt obligated, maybe your mom is self absorbed. Why guve up everything, when hiring a part caregiver would be in place. I did what you did. When my parents passed, i felt i had regressed significantly. Asking for paid help doesnt make you bad, your preserving the life God gave you. Family dynamics are so incredibly toxic. If you subconciously trying to get something from mom, you will also feel hurt and used. Only you can evaluate this situation accurately. Im reading your request for respect. I feel no disrespect towards you, but im convinced that honesty can set people free. Theres grey area here. Unless our families are like tv sitcoms, youll be messing with unnecessary hardship. I know personally, im still working on my issues from family of origin. Once you see and experience the things youre forced to look at, like your sister, youll feel much better when ownership is in place, leaving your sister, the bully to her own devices.

Wow - sounds horribly familiar ! I am my Mom's full time caregiver, and have been accused of all SORTs of malfeasance - which can be easily refuted - just hang in there - "what Goes around - COMES around" !!

I can completely relate to every word you've written. I too have similar problems with siblings. My older sister is very similar in personality to yours - in fact - it is as if you had just described her to a T. In my case, I have more or less given up on ever having any sort of relationship with her, as each time I have tried to work things out, she has never made any attempt to do the same. She also treats my mum really badly, only contacting her when she needs something. For Mother's Day, she did not send a card, a text - nothing. For the sake of my sanity, I've severed all contact with her and, for the first time in my life, I feel as though a millstone has been removed from around my neck.

I have severed all with her as well but she won't let go of me. She stalks me and harasses me by communicating with my children and friends. I have not been able to share this with my family and friends because they are all very happy and stable. I do not want them to be concerned.
I have writing a book for the past 15 years that my children can find after I am gone. It's the hardest thing to write because I can't see the text through the tears. I am relieved to have found this group that I can express myself privately to. You gave me a chuckle when you named your twin siblings "Cain & Abel". Thanks for the read :-)