First Born

When my wife was pregnant for the first time, I confess that I was praying for a son. My imagination of us playing ball together and doing other activities together brough joy of anticipation to me. I mentally prepared for this child.

My son was born in the evening, and he was perfect; a Gerber baby he was. This infant was perfect in every way including his disposition. What complaints could a father have. He had the perfect son.

As time went on, I recognize a favoritism towards his mother. That was okay with me. Shouldn't he want mamma. Well, he would grumble baby talk at me with a nasty look. This brought laughter from all of us for it was cute. I still loved that child.

Toddler to young child didn't change his attitude towards me much. I was second class to him and he didn't like sports. That's okay, he's my son, and I love him. So he doesn't prefer me. He's still attached to mom.

As this child grew, we disagreed a lot. It was a constant battle between us. That was okay, too. I was correcting him out of love. I love my son. He still would go to mom and not me.

Our next child was born, and this child preferred me. That was okay, too. I had enough love for two children. My second born was great to have around while my son and I argued.

Teens hit my son, and we fought. I couldn't complain. He was not into drugs or anything negative. He was lazy and gave me no respect. My wife would talk with me and have me apologize and be easier with my son. I loved my son, I think.

As the teens continued, we would fight over simple things. He wouldn't respond to me. It was a continual fight. I hated coming home from work for he was the cause of all friction. I said I loved him, but inside I had no feelings for him. What was wrong with me?! I now favor my second child.

The other day my son just quit on me. I yelled and spoke harshly. Mom and I had a talk. I yelled out my feelings, "I HATE HIM!!!" "I WANT HIM OUT!!!" I stop from saying I wanted him dead.

I sat for a while alone thinking about my family and my son. Was it fair of me to state my hatred? Have I damaged him by saying this? I had to find an answer. I walked up to the love of my life. "I am going to divorce you." I shall leave. I willingly will pay for my children until 18. The oldest will be dropped at that age while I am willing to pay for the youngest. All that I have owned is worthless to the loss I am experiencing.

Love is a word we throw around without thought. I spent years stating a falsehood and now realize the love died years ago. I want to blame this child for not showing respect and other such factors, but am I truly to blame? This question shall haunt me. My only hope is my son were to join the military and die in combat. He would die a here and any damage caused by our relationship will die as well. If he succeeds in life then guilt I own is lessoned but not eliminated. For me, I am forever haunted for I have created. What did I do wrong? Is it too late? These questions shall linger with me.
KennethW KennethW
2 Responses Jan 14, 2013

I have these same feelings mostly to my oldest son but now that my middle child is a teenager I am starting to feel certain tinges of feelings. My children's father makes me feel guilty for feeling this way. I'm stuck in a space where I no longer want custody of my son. He has given me over 6 ulcers from stress in the past 3 years and I feel bad for the resentment I feel towards him for trying to ruin my life repeatedly and his threats and blackmailing that he learned from my parents. I wish I would have never had him at times and then I think what's wrong with me I love him or I wouldn't try so hard by taking him to therapists and psychiatrists. therapy doesn't work he just reverts back to the same behavior when he breaks a rule and gets punished.

What is your ethnic background?