My Spouse Ruined My Life

For the sake of privacy, I will refer to my spouse as A.
A is my best friend. We finish each others sentences, and say out loud what the other is thinking.... no matter how random.
No one knows A more than me, and no one knows me, more than A.
To the rest of the world, it seems like were the perfect couple.
A is the closest thing to perfect I have ever known.
Funny, attractive, honest, and loyal.
To A, I am the best there is, was, and ever will be.
However, here are A's faults:
Hypochondriac from hell. No matter what it is, its somehow killing A.
A is a horrible parent.
A acts like our son is a younger, annoying sibling.
Always being grumpy, irritable, and instigating arguments.
A even gets jealous of time spent with our son.
When we first got together it was agreed we would have 4-12 children.
I was raised Orthodox Hasidic so having a big family is very important to me.
In 2008 A went to the doctor and chose to give up fertility.
that is something I can NEVER forgive A for.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, a person with more than one kid, or an abusive parent, I cant help but die a little inside.
My cousin Lina is the worlds worst parent and person, but she has 5 kids, and has had 11 abortions.
She doesnt even like her kids, and is blessed with the ability to have as many as she wants.
Every time I look at A, I wish they would die.
I hate soooo much it burns....and aches...... and consumes every bit of my life.
I want to leave A, take my kid, find someone to donate the ***** needed to have another child, and live with my children in a happy little bubble.
However, A had the clap when we first got together and that made me infertile as well.
I wouldnt be able to leave A and have a kid with anyone else.
I cant leave and take our 1 son either, cuz if I were to go then A would kill themselves.
Seriously.
Not a ploy, or irrational fear.
So, I give A more chances to work on being a better parent.
Hoping that if I distance myself more and more from A, then A might love me less, and leaving could be an option.
I am the breadwinner, as A cant ever hold a job (anti-social with anxiety) and as a result were always living paycheck to paycheck.
I have no friends, and neither does A.
The only contact with the outside world is the occasional text messaging with my only living relative, my brother C.
Its lonely.
I hate my life.
I hate myself for wanting what ill never have.
I hate myself for not giving my son a better life.
most of all....

I hate my spouse.
SullenDreamer SullenDreamer
26-30
1 Response Sep 5, 2011

Hey man,

Sounds like we are in similar boats. I feel your pain and i will try to tell my story of the last three years which seems like a lifetime and a novel to tell. I also hate my wife. I love her so much and absolutely despise her. E. is a self proclaimed novelist who has been saying for the last three years that she is going to write a novel and get us rich while in the mean time I have been the sole breadwinner while she stays home with the kids. I am fine with this because I want my kids to have the best possible life. It drives me crazy though that I cannot please her. No job that I have had has ever been good enough and no house that we have lived in has ever been good enough either. We were both assistant managers in developmentally disabled group homes when we met in Montana. She pressured me into moving in with her and then pressured me to have sex with her. I felt so alone and thought that it could be good though I had terrible anxiety from the second we moved in together. It didn't get better so a couple weeks later I told her I was moving out as soon as we found her a new roommate. Well I was staying at my grandparents house the weekend of Christmas 2008 and she called me and told me she was pregnant. I was okay with this even when I got her to tell me that she was sleeping with someone else at the same time. Anyway having an absent father for my childhood I promised myself I wouldn't do the same to my kids if I ever had any. Little did I know what hell my life would be. I mean honestly how bad could it be, famous last words. We moved from Montana to North Dakota when she quit her job because everyone in her group home wrote letters to get her fired because she is such a god damn self absorbed BIT*H. We couldn't afford rent anymore and were forced to move. I was a Schwan Man, and a Rough Neck in ND but that wasn't good enough so when I suggested helicopter pilot school she pushed and pushed me to do that. Oh and our house was flooded at the same time(lost all my possessions, she didn't own ****). She still had the nerve to tell me I should've done more to save all MY stuff. Well off to pilot school where she cried for three days when she saw the town home I rented us for 700 a month. I mean it wasn't huge but she decided we needed to give our pets away because there wasn't enough room for a dog and a cat and our son in a two bedroom town home. Oh and then she wanted me to get a full time job while attending school full time so she could stay at home with our son. I gave up and had such bad depression that i didn't even go to class. I hated my life so much and just wanted to leave the ***** there but I couldn't leave my son. Then satan aka E's dad offered me a job in Michigan to work as a data communications installer for 12 bucks an hour and I thought okay I'll do this and if it all goes south I won't feel bad about leaving her where she doesn't have any family. Well her dad is worse than her but I'm not getting into details other than he hates that I kick his *** in golf... haha. Anyway I quit working for him and now am a truck driver and she hates that because I only make 750 a week and live in a 100,000 home. But I am happy to say that my anxiety and depression are gone because I don't give a **** anymore if she is happy. I just told her a second ago not to talk to me and it felt great. Oh yeah she likes to abuse our son too. he's only two and somedays when I come home he won't go near me and has the saddest look on his face. I want to get a nanny cam and film the crazy b if in case, which i think will happen, we do get a divorce. But either way she knows now that I'm not going to pity her *** anymore and I feel great. Now if I could only get my son away from her so he does have an ounce of self esteem when he grows up. Good luck man hope all works out for you. Oh my wife says she's going to kill herself all the time too. she's bluffing and if she's not it's her problem not mine I can't deal with the emotional roller coaster she puts me on anymore.

peace out bro.