Post

I Was Physically Abused And Humiliated By My Stepdad As A Teenager



--- By Becky Romero ---

I've made an early New Year's Resolution.

For about ten years I've been too ashamed to admit and talk about (except to my most dearest friends) how my now thankfully EX-stepdad physically abused and punished me when I was a teenager in high school - and the absolutely, utterly humiliating way in which he did so. Though my stepdad had embarrassed me numerous times while I was growing up and had threatened to spank me more than once, even to the point of putting me over his knee several times, he had never physically hit me until I was 16. But once he started to do so, I was embarrassed and ashamed for people to know what he did to me on more than one occasion, even knowing that they would likely view him harshly.

I also didn't want the kids at my high school to know, especially the boys, as I wasn't in the habit of taking any crap from them. But I was afraid if they knew how my stepdad punished me, they would not only laugh, taunt and tease me about the shame I felt, but my bravado in face of their harassing, unwanted touches would melt away and leave me totally helpless against them. It was bad enough dealing with their typical sexual harassment than to have a picture in their heads of what my stepdad did to me.

So after my parents divorced in 2003, I tried to pretend that it never happened - the embarrassment, the humiliation, the shame I felt.

I also realize the abuse I suffered by his hands has had a more profound impact on my life than I'd care to admit, especially with regards to my relationships with men. It could have been worse. I could have allowed myself to become a punching bag. Instead, it's led me to distrust many of them and seeded a deep hatred for men who physically abuse their wives, girlfriends and kids.

During and after the divorce, I also had to come to terms with the guilt I felt - even to the point of wishing that I had been punished more often simply for the sake of my younger brother, who was picked on horribly by our stepdad and far worse than me. He got it far worse and more often than I did - far worse. Even though I didn't think it was fair that our stepdad beat him, it was even more unfair that my brother was punished so often and I wasn't for many years. I'm the older sister and yet I failed to stick up for my brother, to protect him. I should have lied to protect him even if it meant getting punished myself.

Nevertheless, once I did feel my stepdad's wrath, I continued to feel the stigma of that shame whenever thinking about the manner in which he punished me and of those punishments being witnessed by other family members and even by younger brother's friends, some of whom I regularly babysat, making it even all the more humiliating!

But EP has helped me realize that I shouldn't be the one ashamed about it - that a$$hole should be the one ashamed for punishing and humiliating his teenage stepdaughter like that! I'm not sure how to write about it all, maybe here, on my blog or in the confessions, but I will.
BeckyRomero BeckyRomero 26-30, F 31 Responses Dec 23, 2010

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wow ,,, ! !

It might help some for you to describe what he did - to you and your brother - in order to find out if others had the same type of issues.. i hope you have found some peace.

Parents, biological or otherwise, who humiliate their children deserve no respect or love from their children. Zero. The impact of humiliation is lifelong, and steals the light and spirit from a child's life - and from the adult that child becomes. <br />
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My father's father (grandfather I never met) tied my father to a chair and beat him, locked him in the trunk, and at one point stabbed him in the knee with an icepick for saying 'no' to him. My father was humiliated routinely, and passed that humiliation on to me. His abuse was sometimes physical, but frequently verbal and emotional, designed to demean and full of character destruction. Combining that with a truly narcisstic mother who was incapable of emotional attachment, equally humiliating and demeaning, and also capable of humiliating physical abuse, and you have the formula for a life that has been a long and constant journey to try to prove, and believe, that I am not strange and weird like they made me believe I was. <br />
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I have absolutely no understanding of what it feels like to truly love a parent, or to grieve when a parent passes on. My father is gone now, and ironically I was the one who comforted him, because my narcissistic mother couldn't - after 55 years of marriage. He told me, 'I think your mother is getting tired of this. I should just die.'. Abused by his dad, dismissed and largely unloved by his wife, and abusive to his son. What a horrible waste. <br />
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I know this thread - old as it is - is about abuse by a step father, but the issues are the same. Being humiliated by anyone is horrible, but when it is by the people who are supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world and from whom you are supposed to learn about trust and love, it is particularly damaging and one of the worst betrayals in life. I'm very sorry for anyone whose had to deal with this, and I am very sorry for those whose lives have been permanently scarred.

Im very sry to hear that. our kids get spanked but they are not humiliated by it because everyone else gets spanked, i know its a lot more then this, but call CPS on him, maybe saying no and not doing what he says if if he rellay goes out of control go to mom and she will procuct you.

sorry...i was whipped witha belt on my bare bottom unti,l I was 18...I wish I called the police

WELL AS LEAST YOU CAN VENT YOUR FEELINGS HERE AND NOT GET JUDGED ,, ,,I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU

Becky, interesting you story about spankings from your step father. My sister and I were spanked from time to time when we were younger, by the time you're 16 I don't think that type of punishment is going to do much good. I was raised in a clothing opp home so nudity was not an issue, a swat or two on a bare butt was all it would take to satisfy him. It was never in front of others and were never told to disrobe to take a swat, if we were naked at the time of punishment oh well.<br />
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By the time we were 12/13 corperal punishment was done, he had other methods of punishment.<br />
We were pretty good kids and not alot of correction was needed.<br />
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I had 2 daughters that also grew up in a clothing opp home, nudity was common around our house. Once in a while one would get a swat on the butt, but it probbably made me feel worse than it did them, never made them remove clothing if they wanted to wear some. <br />
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Teenaged girls can be defiant just like boys, I had my ways of dealing with them, humilation in front of others was not one of them. One is not going to make any points as a parent with stuff like that. I had a good relationship with my girls, still do.<br />
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Was your step dad alittle voyeuristic? An excuse to see a teenage girl naked? I saw my daughters naked almost every day till they left home. They were both quite happy to show us some new piece of clothing or a new bikini. While quite normal for them to be naked around home somthing as reviling as a G string bikini may not have gone over well with their mother other than in our own back yard by the pool. That was some years ago and times have changed.<br />
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I think your stepdad was not cool at all the way he treated you, child abuse certinly comes to my mind. I hope it's a fading memory and that you will come up with other methods to correct your kids.

So the hot potato is back on me already huh?<br />
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In that case I tend to think that a spanking that is really what it is supposed to be is like some more things of the sort for a lying fake who put panties on the flagpole to make it be a compromise and then later at his lesson for it he broadens it out some more like as if he would tell secrets to his jailer and hide them from his friends. And probably the tempertantrum that fits it is like having it both ways at the same time somehow.<br />
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Therefore a spanking is like what belongs somewhere for a young girl who goes according to the dress code from the knees down to make it be a compromise. And also its like if someone put a dishwashing machine in the operating room since all of this other business about standards and sterile already had their fair share of it at the factory wherever all those surgical things came from to start with. But I’m not too sure where that hospital is since it seems to be up over the rainbow where the Wizard of Oz is or some place like that. <br />
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But if the question is wherever the line belongs then my impression has been that probably parents and teachers got hedged back some more when the churches became like a department store and the place where spankings are better known is more nearly like the nineteenth century than it is like San Francisco. Therefore the place where I would back up the drinking age is more nearly like a town that is filled up with the Seventh Day Adventists than it is like a supermarket on Broadway, for example, and actually the Seventh Day Adventists would be welcome to my services of the kind, at no charge, except that the last time that I checked the drinking age for over where they are had seemed to be rigormortis.<br />
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I would really be afraid to cause anyone to get a bad bad and if I was in charge then a person who is less than about three years old would not get spanked very much and one who is older than that would not stay at home if he didn’t want to. Instead, if he liked, I would put him somewhere else where over there it would be no spanking allowed. But if it were a question of the visitation rights for a separated parent when also the minor makes a fuss about spankings over there then I would think that such a parent should settle for some kind of a time out type of a deal like for the minor to sit down quietly and face the corner for whenever the parent thinks that she deserves a lesson or something like that.<br />
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I suppose that it would belong spanking allowed for if the minor makes too much of a fuss about such a version of parental controls like that, where she might have stayed fully dressed for it, where also it should have had a dignified posture. In your summary you say that the judge gave your stepfather a green light to spank you during visitations, and if that green light is as fat as it sounds then I don’t agree with him. The judge should not have invited your stepdad to spank you for even if you behaved yourself a lot over there. But also I would tend to think that you would probably have a right to a gentle treatment some for if you were throwing eggs at your stepfather, by comparison with some people, and if instead the likes of me was throwing eggs at him then we would more easily deserve a fatter lip and a black eye by comparison. <br />
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And what do you think?

it's for precisely the reasons you've posted in this thread and elsewhere on EP (eloquently as well), that across Europe there's no physical punishment in schools and a lot of countries have outlawed physical punishment of children by thier parents. Personally I think on both counts it's a reaction too far by European legislators and has has had unintended and unfortuntae consequences but it's been done to counter abuse and bullying. Baby and bathwater spring to mind.

Sorry to hear that you were abused by your stepdad. And evidently your spanking wasn't any good. By comparison my father had spanked me about ten or fifteen times and it has been really hard to find even a grain of truth in any of it, in my particular case of it. And by comparison a number of other people here at EP have reported good spankings -- or something like that anyway. For examples OTKTANYA has reported a very embarrassing one that also sounds like it must have been OK, ...com/stories/Like-To-Be-Spanked/617194 posted 07/12/2009 and TJ50 has told about one that I cannot help but admire: ...com/stories/Was-Spanked-As-A-Child/1479138 posted March 28, 2011, "Walking Home." As you probably know all of this business about spanking children has gotten in trouble in recent decades, and the last time that I checked it the only countries in Europe that didn't get out from under their parental controls lessons were France and Czechoslovakia, where, evidently, over there they still think that spanking the children is supposed to be ok. And some trends of the past 40 years or so would lead you to think that maybe this nation will follow in the footsteps of Sweden and the rest of them? <br />
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And what do you say? Had everyone who backs up their parental controls spankings been mistreated? And how 'bout susseditout who wrote "No More Weddings," OTKTANYA who wrote "My Most Embarrassing Spanking," and TJ50 who seems to have at least two believable ones posted, and apart from the one at "Walking Home" another one that looks looks ok to me is reported in "Lied and Spanked," IGSSAK #1636160 06/26/2011 for examples?<br />
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And what should be done? Do you think that this nation should also make a law against spanking the children?

Hi, Churchward. You ask a difficult question. It's not the first time I've thought about that. The easy reactionary answer of course is yes, spanking kids should be banned. That's an easy answer for anyone who has been spanked themselves, like me, and felt it was unfair. But then reality settles in and you realize that answer is coming from your heart and not your brain.

Why? Because how can you prohibit parents from spanking their kids and still allow school officials to hit those same children with 2 by 4 pieces of lumber? So there's no way you can ban spanking in the home but still allow it in the schools.

So we therefore have a hodgepodge of laws that at times inadequately protect abused kids. Sure, most states say you can't inflict ''excessive corporal punishment.'' But that's not defined anywhere. So it's left up to individual judges with differing opinions to decide if one child's 20 spankings a year is excessive or if another's ten minute spanking is excessive. Unfair? Of course.

Then of course there's another issue coming into play: bare bottom spankings. Most parents who spank seem to at least at times discipline this way. Some will say they stopped baring the child's bottom when the child reaches puberty. But when you stop to think about it, why should a 12-year old continue to be humiliated when an older sibling suddenly begins to avoid it? It's even more difficult with blended families when suddenly a pre-teen child is thrust into a family with older siblings and that child is the only one who gets their underwear pulled down for a spanking. I have an older brother and a younger one with the older one hardly ever being spanked, the younger one getting it frequently and me being the only girl. As humiliating as it was, how could I honestly say it would be fair for my younger brother to have his underwear pulled down and get spanked - but not me at 16?

And then you have the whole issue of whether parents have the right to see their children undressed. Since they legally do as long as there is no sexual or severe emotional abuse behind it, and if spanking is legally permitted then bare bottom spankings have to be legal as well.

Believe me, it's quite humiliating and degrading to admit that my stepdad had a legal right to spank my bare bottom, despite me being 16 at the time. That it didn't matter he saw me naked. And that the few spankings could have easily been much higher in number if my mom didn't win custody during the divorce.

Being within his 'legal' rights doesn't make it morally right in my view and I'm sure many others will agree with me on that. But many won't, they'll say I got just what I deserved and lacking any law which will be hard to draft and even far more difficult to reach consensus and pass, I doubt we will see spanking banned in the U.S. for at least several more generations.

I am so sorry about what your dad did to you makes me ashamed to be male when I read stories like this .I have alot of respect for you speaking out like this .Perhaps if alot more woman spoke out these abusive bastards could be stopped.It always reminds me of a plaque my 18 year old daughter bought for me It says( any man can be a father but it takes a special person to be a dad) .This is very true and maybe I was a bit soft on my kids but I still have their respect and love and always be their for them.

Hi, Beastman. I wish we would speak out more too. But there's a stigma attached to it, to those of us women who were spanked by our dads or stepdads on our bare bottoms, especially as a teenager. A lot of people either think we must have deserved it, make fun of our obvious humiliation and shame or talk in whispers, oh, she must have been sexually abused too. So that makes it difficult to talk about, especially when at the time when it's happening. I'd have been mortified if guys at my high school knew I was spanked like that by my stepdad. Only my most trusted, closest girlfriends knew at the time.

Hi, Bonnie/Dave,<br />
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First of all, Blurtit is nice to get feedback and such, but commenting is such a chore. So much is censored, you don't know if ''Shouts'' go through, etc. Oh well. Such as it is.<br />
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I hear what you're saying and yes, I do get angry when I see some men (and even some women) talk about their stepchildren in horrible terms, naming calling, and such. Because I know that's what my stepdad did to me and that some of those kids must be going through all kinds of hell.<br />
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I'm sorry for what you went through. Just another example of why I'm relucant to consider myself an abuse victim because many kids, like yourself when you were one, went through far worse.<br />
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Do I harbor any hidden anger towards my mom for not protecting us better? No. I never did, though my younger brother might have felt that way at times. I know she tried. There were many arguments. And eventually she felt divorce was the solution, but feared shared custody for good reason. She was biding time until we got older. I or my brothers had no idea.<br />
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I suppose it started when my stepdad did more than just constantly pick on me (my younger brother far worse), threaten and even a few times intended to spank me and because the spankings my younger brother got were bad too. But when he did so (spank me) when I was 16 and made clear he would continue to do so, regardless of how embarrassing it obviously was for me, that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and led her to speed up the process she had begun.<br />
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Was she apologetic that she couldn't have done what she did sooner? Yes. But in going through the process and seeing how difficult it was for her to win full custody, I can see where she was coming from. Had we been younger, it would have even been harder. She was worried that it trying to protect us if divorcing him sooner might only led to her being unable to protect if there was shared custody.<br />
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I hope all that makes sense. I guess I need to post a 'story' on EP that better explains the whole custody issue rather than in bits and pieces here and there.

please get back to me I have more questions for you?

so by delaying divorce your mom also had to be forced to continue any sexual relationship with him too I guess, so that might be a sacrifice on her part too?

Becky this is dave you might know me from Blurtit I would like to be your friend so please allow me. Well Becky it seems like you had a hard life but at least you had the gust to write about it. But what I see you still have alot of angrer inside of you. Do not keep it inside let it out. But what ever you do not let your stepdad win.What I mean by that is by you getting angry at ever thing people say is not good you are allow him to win again you some times life sucks Learn what happen to you to help others. I always believe you cannot things unless you live though it yourself how tribble is that. I was a victim of child abuse and was taken away from my family years ago. My parents want nothing to do with me even after all these years its been about thirty years. last year they were coming to visit my sister and I thought it might be a good I idea to start over while that was my idea my sister mention that to them and they said no way I have a young niece and I did not want to make it hard for her so I did not do anything. I went to a foster family that was good for a number of years until I got wiser I moved got like all kids do but it was always me calling them never calling me. They once said they will never call there childrenthat how they feel I tried tell them I am not one of them its not in my blood. They do not what to here anything of it so I stopped calling and they had never called well I should say its only my forster mother that is around my forster fahter passed away many years ago. And my forster mother is a bit stuburn and will not here other peoples side of the story. I believe you have to be happy with yourself ya people say you need people maybe so But you can only trust one person thats yourself. Yes it would be nice to have someone but why go thought the pain. we should exchange idea's. But you need to open your eye's young lady Ya you stepdad abused you but there are other people to the one who was suppose to proctect you maybe that is were this is all coming from you and I know who it was now be honest with yourself I could be wrong but I think thats were all this angrer is coming form you just blaming your stepdad because he's easyer. I hope to here from you soon.

Hi, I don't mean to be rude and I can see you have alot of hostility but all that you've described is a spanking. Maybe he spanked you because your mom wouldn't discipline you. A good friend growing up had a step mom who she hated but it seemed to me looking back that her dad never disciplined and left it up to her mom to do the dirty work. He should have punished in private though. You didn't explain the humiliation so I won't comment. A spanking is humiliating, I agree, but sometimes necessary in my opinion. My mom spanked me tons until she died when I was 12. My dad never did. I never liked it but I felt out of control after she was gone. I could have used a spanking from her when I was 16.

What you're feeling is a kind of survivor's guilt. And you shouldn't feel guilty over what an adult with legal and physical power over your lives did to your family. Your stepfather did what he did, you're not responsible for what he did to your kid brother, and you can't predict the outcome of events if you had tried to do things differently. It might have turned out even worse for your brother.<br />
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We're responsible for what we do. Not for what others do.

hun even now you can report him to the police there has been cases meny a year afterwords were kids of ben abused by adults who reported them meny meny years after it happend wen thay felt safe from the adult who abused them trying to tretten or abuse them agane<br />
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if i rember rite about 7 years ago there was a case on english tv were a lady in her 40s reported her dad for abusing her and she wun he ended up locked up in jale if i rember rite he will never get out alive<br />
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please report this beast of a man who has dun sum realy bad things to you in your life time he needs it

Just to clear something up for anyone confused by my long string of comments.<br />
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My comments on this story board from March 30, 2011 on were all in response to a user named ''markintex'' who took exception to some of the things I had said to him and commented on in regards to issues he was having, especially with the foul language he used and names he called his wife in front of his stepson and young daughter. In the past couple of days, he has deleted all his comments on my board, as is his choice.<br />
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I don't deny, as powerman2000 said above, I still have issues with regards to the treatment I received for years from my thankfully now EX-stepdad. I want to thank the EP community for helping me finally vent the pent-up simmering anger I still feel towards him.<br />
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But for ''markintex'' to marginalize the abuse I suffered just because I wasn't spanked on my bare butt by my stepdad until I was 16 was uncalled for. Yes, it's true my stepdad didn't put me over his knee and spank my bare butt until I was that age, but there were earlier times when he nearly did so, including times in which he exposed me - even in front of others - to start giving me a spanking. There were also numerous times in which slapped me on my legs, hands, arms or face, or forcibly grabbed or pulled my arms. And then there was the verbal abuse, the put-downs, name-calling, etc.<br />
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Nevertheless, I was lucky compared to the basically weekly spankings at times my kid brother got. I tried to explain this and that I even feel guilty over the fact I wasn't spanked as often as my brother was but it seemed ''markintex'' was just out to argue and not interested in any discussion over how stepkids sometimes feel and react to the turmoil in their lives. But regardless of the venom he directed towards me, I still do wish him well and hope he gets his own issues settled down and has peace and harmony in his marriage and with his family.

Dude, take a big step back and breathe slowly. <br />
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Nobody cares about the size of your penis, but throwing a tantrum over it just makes you look psycho. <br />
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Both of you came from an abused background and neither of you are dealing with it really well. But right now you're coming off as the one who's repeating bad parental habits, and getting psycho over someone criticizing you on the internet is not making your case for you. <br />
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If you can't step back, then you're not going to be able to function in an adult relationship either.

Oh, wow! Mister Unappreciated Stepfather with the science degree can do math! Woo hoo! Someone get out little sticky stars for him!<br />
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If I may suggest, you really need to take things a little more lightly. I mean, jeez louise, if a woman teasing you about the possibility your penis may be small sends you on such a tirade... you really need to get a gripe (on life that is, not your penis).<br />
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Just to help save your poor little brain cells from too much math duty, fyi I'm 25. My real dad was killed by a drunk-driver before I turned 3. My younger brother was just a baby at the time. My mom met my stepdad not long after and they got married in 1990; I was 4 at the time. So, it wasn't as if we were abused for just a couple of years, as you mistakenly assumed. So, please. Get off your high horse. You have no exclusivity on having grown up in an abusive household. For one who doesn't want other to be judgmental about him, you sure are quick to be judgmental about me.<br />
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My older brother escaped most of the wrath from our stepdad, I think because he was always the bookworm of the three of us. He got the straight A's, was involved in sports after school and such. But my younger brother didn't get as good grades and his behavior wasn't always the best. I was in the middle, literally. Got in trouble sometimes, my grades fluctuated, but I think me being a girl is what saved my butt, literally, when I was younger.<br />
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My stepdad increasingly got on my case once I was in high school, disapproving of how I dressed, insulting me and often embarrassing me in front of my friends if he didn't like what I was wearing. Not to mention just the whole idea of me dating guys.<br />
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He had threatened to spank me numerous times while I was growing up, I was turned over his knee and my bottom was bared more than once when I was younger (including as a teenager) and for whatever reasons only escaped being hit usually by the interventions of my mom or other relatives; another time it was by a guest at 4th of July weekend barbecue at his brother's house when I was 13 - after he had spanked my brother's bare butt and had already bared and was about to spank mine.<br />
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So, I think even you can appreciate the fact how even more embarrassing it was for me to be exposed and spanked over my stepdad's knee when I was 16. That said, I've since come to grips with it, understand the shame isn't mine but his and realize that other kids have suffered far worse abuse than I did. How could I not realize that? One of them was my own brother! I still feel guilty that I did little to protect my younger brother from our stepdad's beatings.<br />
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My mom filed for divorce in 2002, not long after my stepdad shown that he was going to make up for lost time in regards to disciplining me. She tried to protect us as long as she could. Her main worry was when we were younger it would have been more difficult to avoid sharing custody. My younger brother and I had to still see our stepdad during the divorce for a time (and we were still spanked). I wasn't too pleased with the mediator; I think she thought of me as a rebellious teenager who needed discipline. Also, too often in divorce situations mediators take it upon themselves to force maintaining family cohesiveness and togetherness.<br />
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After several weeks of having to still see him, usually with his new girlfriend around and also having been spanked and humiliated by her too (once after I met her and referred to her as his ''new found *****''), my mom's attorney finally asked the judge to deny my stepdad the right to use corporal punishment on me during any visitations. That request was denied.<br />
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CFS at this time hadn't submitted anything to the judge but a preliminary report. But a few weeks later in another mediation, I said that I sometimes cried myself to sleep and wondered why the drunk driver couldn't have killed my stepdad instead of my real dad. In the hallway when we all walked out, I was alone with him for about a minute. He said something but I had turned my back to him. He grabbed me by my arm and spun me around, said I was ''an ungrateful little tramp'' and then he struck me hard across my face, causing my lip to bleed slightly. But that happened just as the mediator was walking back up the hallway and she saw it happen. She was furious and when my mom's attorney heard of it, she went to the judge ex-parte and immediately got all future visitations halted pending the CFS report and the mediator's recommendation. My stepdad was also ordered to undergo anger management counseling as a pre-condition before any more visits. He refused and in any case, CFS and the mediator recommended no required visitations and my mom was soon awarded complete custody.<br />
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As you seem to even realize yourself from your comments above, child abuse can take many forms, not just that of spanking. Verbal and mental abuse takes its toll as well - as you seem to be well aware of.<br />
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The thing that seemed to tick off the mediator and the CFS person the most was his verbal abuse. How he would say to them that I was being a 'little ***** like her mom' when I complained about how he acted, that I was nothing but a 'little ****' after I had to talk about some of the times I had sex with my boyfriends. When my brothers were interviewed they had corroborated how he talked to me and to them, the language, the constant put-downs, insults, deeming comments in front of our friends. And of course the years of beatings he gave to my younger brother.

Jeez Louise! Go spend some quality time with your stepson instead of whining about me.<br />
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As far as commenting ''unprovoked'', that's what these message boards are for (since you apparently haven't figured that out - once does not need to ask for permission to post comments on a particular board). There's also a 'delete' option for posts you don't like.<br />
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OK, I do apologize for what I think any reasonable person would acknowledge was a quite apparent tongue-in-cheek comment about your penis size hitting home. Just so there's no misunderstanding for any readers, I have not seen nor measured your penis. But if it will make you feel any better, my boyfriend has a small one, too.<br />
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Nice to see that you and your spouse's ex get along so well; so chummy-chummy now all of a sudden after you displayed such hostility towards him in your initial post. How's that male bonding thing going, as you both discuss your spouse/his ex's alleged failings? Does that help compensate for your small, um, mindedness? Must be some new kind of therapy for stepdads: get-togethers with their wife's exes and have little cry time sessions.<br />
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Still wishing you well despite your increasingly foolish rants. Buy-bye

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Nor should people accuse others of having a chip on their shoulders when theirs carries a tree.<br />
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Markintex commented about me. I felt that was direct enough for me to decide whether I wanted to respond; he obviously thinks I was in error. If he holds to that belief, then he'll obviously refrain from feeling compelled to continue commenting to me since this post does not directly address him.<br />
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ba<x>sed on his comments and complaint, I assume that Markintex obviously is the type of man who will stand around at a party talking and gossiping about people all night long and if they complain, he'll whine and complain, ''But I wasn't talking TO you.'' Talk about immaturity! It will be interesting to see if he shows any of that same ''astounding lack of self-awareness" that he accused me of having.<br />
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If Markintex really didn't have an itch up his *** about me, it would make me wonder then would he bother at all going to my board to ***** and essentially repeat what he had said here. I made my initial comments to him only in his story's comment section. I didn't initially comment about him elsewhere.<br />
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But it seems he has a need to shout and drown out other people, as evidenced by the way he talks to his wife in the presence of their kids. Maybe he told his therapist about that incident or asked his stepson to bring along the recording and play it for her. Maybe not. I really don't care.<br />
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Perhaps he also has a need to get in the last word when arguing, whether it be with his wife, stepson, co-workers. Perhaps not. I really don't care. I suppose I'll find that out soon enough.<br />
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But regardless - and irrespective of his pretty blatant public ill wishes he hurled towards me - I still wish him well and do hope he, his wife, stepson and daughter can get past all what they went through.

I asked plenty of questions, too, to which you had no answer: one of which was what "swear names" did you call your wife in the presence of your stepson and daughter. But apparently you don't want others on your story comments board to read a answer from you as that as it undoubtedly wouldn't help in drawing any sympathy to your position.<br />
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As far as family therapists go, you can say whatever you want. But the truth be told is that you merely hired a therapist who agreed with YOUR position. You and I and everyone else reading this know that there are also therapists out there that wouldn't agree with YOUR position, too. You just happened to get one who did. One can only wonder how amenable to his/her suggestions you would have been had the alternative been the case.<br />
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But anyway, now it seems, you just want to argue. As for ''living well" - if you really were you wouldn't have such an itch up your *** about me.<br />
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Therefore, there is no point in continuing this discussion.

I suppose I could ask you how much experience you ever had as a stepchild and that perhaps if you had none then that would explain why you fail to understand how hard being a stepchild is and what your stepson had to go through... but I won't ask because I'm trying to de-escalate things.<br />
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(btw, I know a few absolutely fantastic stepdads whose sons think the world of them and where the biological fathers were total ********. Likewise, I had a friend whose stepmom was a total witch.)<br />
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But regardless, as I said, I do wish you well. Buh-bye!

Well, I did say, ''To me, the problem seems to be all the adults involved and the poor examples they are setting for the children.''<br />
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To which you later noted that your therapist essentially confirmed (''She really helped me to see that my real problem was not with my stepson, but with my wife and her ex, which helped me let go of all resentment I had toward my stepson.'')<br />
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I have no doubt you are quite frustrated. But my sarcasm was directed towards the way you said you were handling it (swearing and calling your wife ''curse names'' in front of the kids while driving; throwing water bottles at your stepson, etc.)<br />
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I do honestly wish you well, but hope you realize that your stepson has had to go through a lot, too, and apparently with very little say in the matter.

Hi there... I'm on here to read stories and find solutions between my step daughter and myself. The hardest part for me is being ignored. She is 10 years old and what I call a princess. I've read other posts and learned some different ideas, I've also come across your posts and thought... honestly...what a *****. I have just read your background and can see where you are coming from, kind of. All I want is to love my daughter the same way I love my 2 boys. The feelings are there but dealing with a 10 year old girl who has a wall up. I'm interested in hearing your suggestions and hopefully positive that I can built a relationship stronger with my daughter.

You and I both could trade stories about how our step dads mistreated us.I had a tyrant for a step dad and he also humiliated me in front of friends anytime he could.He would also ruin so many things that you only get to do at that age that i also have hated him pretty close to the beginning of when he came into our family.My mother nor anyone else could step in and help anyone in our family,he was way too strong ,too threatening and just a down right scary guy.I feel bad for what you experienced not just because it is terrible but also because I can empathize with you.

Got it - understood. Well.. the implosive feelings you have of guilt and wanting even needing to be punished now as an adult are actually very very common in situations like this. I counsel in this arena non-professionally / just have a lot of experience in realm. I'm HoldStill123 on FetLife and have come to terms with a lot of the abuses I witnessed of my next door neighbor growing up. It sounds like in your venting you've found peace or at least started to in all of this... it puts you in rarefied atmosphere as most fight the internal war the rest of their lives..

Hi, Dean,<br />
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No, my mom wasn't clueless. There were many arguments for years. She had intervened more than once to stop me from being spanked when I was younger and she never hit me or my two brothers. She also worked hard to support us financially, so there were times when she simply wasn't around much during the day, especially on weekends. (She's a real estate agent.)<br />
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She also was hoping she could put off a divorce until we were older. But when my stepdad humiliated and spanked me in front of my younger brother and his friend, she knew she needed to speed things up. She was visiting with my grandmother when he did it again a week later (I was 16).<br />
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Yes, she wishes she had done more to stop my younger brother from getting the brunt of our stepdad's wrath. But it's also likely that had she filed for divorce years earlier, she might have had to share custody with the bastard, which would have made it even worse for us kids in the longrun.

Can I ask... where was your mother in all this? was she clueless? involved? does she feel guilt today that she wasnt involved?

I had an older brother (ten years) who used me as a punching bag, also inflicting all sorts of psychological torment and sexual abuse. My other brother was always jealous of me because he thought I was only being hit, while he was being sexually abused and he wished it was the other way round. It was only as adults he realised I had suffered the sexual abuse as well. So in abusive situations, shame runs in all directions and none of it does anyone any good.