I Don't Want To Feel This Way, But I Do.

I am the stepmother of a 13 year old girl who makes my life miserable. I love her father very much and the 3 of us have been living together for almost 2 years - the longest, most depressing 2 years of my life. My husband and I welcomed our daughter into the family this past July, and things have only gotten worse. His daughter (my SD) lives with us full-time, seeing (and speaking) to her dead-beat mother 4 days a month or less. Last week I packed up the baby and myself and moved into my parents house. My SD is elated, acting like a complete angel (which is a total switch from the norm) confirming what I have thought all along - all she wants is for it to be her and her father again and she is willing to do whatever necessary to keep him all to herself. Since I have been gone she claims to want me back (she hates being alone; I am a stay- at- home mom/ yoga instructor so I fill up space in the empty house before her father gets home) and says that her life has been better since I have been in it. The problem? My life has been worse since she has been in it. She treats me as if she and I are on the same level. She is inconsiderate of anyone else's needs/wants. She ignores my presence as soon as her father walks in the door. She is only nice when she wants to get out of trouble. She has emotional problems - which I thank her flighty mother for. She acts as if she is 7 or 8 as opposed to 13.... the list continues. I try to make her happy and comfortable, try to step in and be a "mom" to her, try to give her responsibility, try to give her independence, tried giving up the parental reigns completely, tried taking over the parental roles completely... tried everything I can think of... I am miserable living in the same house as her. I know it makes me sound like a terrible person, but I don't care to see her. At all. My husband has done is fair part in creating the selfish, spoiled, clingy and immature child that she is, and he admits it fully. He has stepped up as a parent and is willing to do whatever it takes for our family to be together. I am not interested in this anymore. I would rather live apart for the next 5 years (until SD graduates High School) than live in the same house with her. On one hand, I want to tell my husband to send her to her mother's so that we can be together - but this would be selfish - even having the thought is selfish. On the other hand I have the option of "sucking it up" and living with her until she graduates, trying my best to not dread 3:30 (when she gets home) and look forward to nights she spends away. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my husband, don't want to scar my daughter, don't want to ruin anyone's life; but don't want to live an unhappy life in order to accomplish these things.

....Just thought I would add an update... It's been 9 months since I first wrote and I'm sad to say that nothing has gotten better.  I went back home with a new "go getter" mindset and was ready to do whatever necessary in order to make a life work with my husband, our child and his daughter.  As usual she was a "changed person" for about a day and a half.  Since those two days she has continued to work in a downward spiral until arriving at the same selfish, lazy, immature person she was when I first met her.  I have since decided that I shouldn't stress about the person that she has become - she is not my daughter and I should not feel as if her behavior is a refection on me.  Unfortunately, I still cannot stand to be in the same room as her and wish her out of my life.  She is beginning to drive her father crazy, as well... He has finally begun to see the massive difference between her and her friends' maturity level and her laziness/ constant questioning of everything is driving him to the edge of insanity.  As bad as it makes me sound - I'm glad. Our relationship has been suffering from all the stress she is causing the two of us, I want my loving hubby back. I'm sick of her intentional drama controlling my life.  LIttle did I know that all I had to do was "throw in the reins" and allow her to be as she wants to be and he finally sees all of the things I've seen from day one.  It looks like she will be going to live with her mom.  God I hope it lasts. 

I'll update again in a few months.... I wonder if things will get better with her living elsewhere. 
mommamoo mommamoo
22-25, F
6 Responses Jan 25, 2011

She is thirteen and I can understand your pain too, but the point is, she needs love and while her parents love her, she needs to know that she has a place in her father's life too as well as yours and her sister's. I never thought my parents loved me as my mum wanted a son, in a typical Indian daughter killing way. I grew up loathing her for preferring her boys over me. I felt that she had betrayed me and girls. Of course I know she loves me, but the point is, she favours her sons. As I loathed her, I pictured myself having a different life. I know our stories are different, but have you ever told her that while you are her father's wife, and therefore her step mother, you do love the nature she has on the inside and would just like everyone to get along. She is important in her role as a sister to your baby and she is the part of her father's heart that cannot be thrown out.

I think your SD is the exact twin to my SD! Good grief all this time I thought I was alone and a horrible person because of the way I feel about her. Unfortunately, I can't go on anymore and I am leaving for good. I can't take it anymore. I've just given up on a life with this girl and her father ( we are not married but have been together nine yrs, no kids together)

Wow this sounds very close to my situation.. i have a 13 yr old SD who moved in with us this past august.. her mother got married moved from TN to FL and we live in WI.. everyone thought it would be a good idea for the SD to make her own choice as to where to go.. and i didnt see an issue with it bc i never expected it to be permanent. My husband and i have a 4 yr old daughter who the 13 yr old is jealous of and argues with. I cant stand to look at the kid anymore.. she isnt a horrible kid in general.. crappy attitude.. lazy.. dramatic.. always looking for attention and sympathy.. now her mom wants her back.. i want her to go, the 13 yr old refuses to leave and my husband is caught in the middle.. i feel horrible as well.. but i want my life back also.. im in my 8th month of pregnancy and its been one stressful day after another.. ihavent enjoyed this one bit bc of my SD.. no one seems to understand where I am coming from.. and i just look like the bad guy.. :(

I can feel your pain, I have a step daughter that feels that she needs to tell her mother everything that goes on in my house! Lucky for you all the mother is not in the picture much! Not only do I have my total brat of a step daughter, It's her mother that tells her to do it!! Her mother also take my husband for about 70% of his pay check!! Nothing left for the daughter we have together! I also have a step son, but he is the sweetest child!! I'm at the end and ready to leave this life with my husband and start a new one!!! Good luck to you all!!

i am realy happy your husband saw the brat for what she is i might need to use your tactic on mine his brat is 12 and we have a ten month old together i cant stand to look at that little girl anymore she is just awfull

I here you. I have two step daughters, 14 and 16 and been married for approximately 2 years. Their mother (lucky her) moved to another state and they see her maybe twice a year. I do feel guilty wishing they could go away to see their mom on a daily basis like most children do, but it's not the case. I can totally relate to your story.