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A Rant For the Stepdaughters

When you read our stories, please do not prescribe your ideas as if they are the fix-all.  Allow me to provide you some information ...

We stepmother's are not 20 years old.  Most of us writing in this group have lived lives, have our own children, our own professions, and so on.  Most of us here ... it's not our first rodeo either. 

We've been down the path with our stepdaughter (s) long enough to know that we've tried every trick in our arsenal bag and THEY (the stepdaughters) are not going to respond positively regardless because they lack maturity and experience!  We know that maybe some day down the line they might come around but we aren't holding our breath as we wait. 

Please allow us to vent without you telling us what you needed as a stepdaughter because chances are even if you had been given 'that' you would not have responded in kind simply out of stubborn, angry, emotional, teen principle.

Please also realize many of us are stepdaughters as well and we KNOW what we needed from our stepmother.  You are not educating us on anything we don't already know or haven't already tried.

But ... when you do read these stories, please feel free to reflect on how difficult and awful you might have been to your own stepmother.  Then perhaps try to make amends with her.  You might also want to consider the theory of what goes around comes around and that you might be next in line for a stepchild that won't respond well to you regardless what you do or how much you give...

Just some food for thought to the young ladies that feel it's their job to comment and offer advice to us old ladies who've been around the block already!

If there is not a group for you, as a stepdaughter, perhaps you should create one to gripe about stepmothers and what they didn't do for you...

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal 31-35, F 43 Responses Aug 27, 2007

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I have been the whole route myself as a step mother for 25 years. This girl came to my home after her mother threw her out like trash. Since day one she has done all she could to come between my husband and me. she has succeeded she has managed to sever me from my family and all it involves. I hate her & will hate her till I see her dead & buried. I hope karma hits her long & hard. She single handedly cost me my entire life she has to pay for it.

I wish I had found this forum years ago!! So I'm not the monster I felt like for not being able to stand my step daughter? I am happy to say after years of praying and living with a teen ager who made any time around her feel like hell, she has moved out with her mother and isn't welcome back! It's so good to know there are other women who feel the same feelings that are good people. These children can wreck so many aspects of our life, but it does get better! Just pray and try to do the right things and hopefully their fathers will finally wake up and see that their child has been tricking everyone for so long.

Need to vent. my story is not as bad as some I have read. We have been married for a year and my stepdaughter is 26 yrs and not living with us. Sounds a no brainer. But this is no ordinary young lady. She is a master manipulater. Extremely self centered. Her biological mother has mental health problems and this has been passed on. I thought she was wonderful when I first met her and she seemed over the moon that her dad was so happy. But all that changed when she realised I was staying in his life and I wasn't just passing through. My husband sees her through rose coloured glasses, as all fathers should, so I find it easier to keep a polite distance. Now she is expecting her first child with her same sex partner. I want my husband to be a part of his grandchilds life. But I don't think I can be. I spent 28 years with a control freak and never left because I was conditioned to be someone else. Now my life (apart from this aspect) is wonderful and I have a man who truly loves me but his daughter is the manipulative control freak I ran away from.

Yesssssssssssss!!!!!!

....remember ppl.....you can say they are kids and just act up...but remember these kids turn into the douchebag people you dont want to be around as an adult.

yikes

I would consider myself an incredibly kind, caring person, who has learned

I am a stepmother of 2 girls or better said woman. One just turned 22 the other is about to turn 28. For the past 6 years I learned the hard way how to hate! It is the worst situation a person can be in. Man and woman who create these kids should be arrested for letting us go thru so much. I was attacked in public by one and many times me and my husband were verbally abused by the other. Nothing is enough or ever good for them, as long as they drain you mentally, financially and emotionally. I allways felt bad to have these feelings, I am happy I found this group to share my experience. You cannot discuss this with anyone who have not been there they never understand. My husband keeps defending them and making excuses for there actions. One is extremely manipulating the other is suffering from depression. The ex wife is a completre lunatic that even stalked us for the 5 years. I have 2 boys 11 and 13 years old, they have a stepmother they respect and like. I do not know what else to do. I changed the rules this year, I told my husband if he continues to spoil them i will devorce him. I have to say that since I told them both that they can enter my house only when i permit they have been very careful with there action.

Please give me some advice...

Here's my story. When I was 8 my dad and stepmom married each other. Me and my stepmom LOVED each other for 2 years. I'm 12 now so when I turned 10 she started hating me. I will admit I wouldn't listen to her. But when I learned my lesson I started listening she just kept hating me. I still LOVE her but she HATES me. I just don't get why I love her so much.

I'd like to throw my story out there and please get some advice back. I am a step daughter and have been for 25 years this month. My dad married my stepmom when I was 8 and she proceeded to try to drive me and my sister apart from my dad. To begin with, I've recently learned some things from people her and my dad used to know. They married into my mom's (she died when I was a teen) family and had been very good friends with my dad for most of his life. Apparently they quit talking to him slowly after he married my step mom. So has my dad's family. The friends told me that when my stepmom saw my dad's house she bragged how she was going to 'catch' him and that would be hers.



OK, here goes. When they were first married she told us she was pregnant, then said she lost the baby because my mother was stalking her and making hang up calls. She told us our mother shoplifted and made us call her Bessie the cow. My mother was a good woman who may have been strict, but she made sure we had what we needed. She also had diabetes and was in the hospital 6 months+ out of the year. We had to stay with my dad during those times. When we were there my stepmom would tell us we didn't have to go to school, but to tell my dad we did so that me and my sister wouldn't get into trouble. I almost failed 6th and 7th grade because of this. We were both told never to eat anything without permission because it was her food. Our best friend lived across the street and durring summer when we were there my stepmom would tell us at 8 am to leave the house and not come back until 5pm. Our dad got home at 530. Our friends mom would feed us so we didnt go hungry. We were made to feel bad that our dad had to pay child support so they lost their house. They lost the house because my stepmom wouldnt work and they had a adjusted rate mortgage. She still doesn't work. She still doesn't work. I have worked since I was 15. They had to move to my grandmother's rent house, which was a nice house, but she hated my grandmother, too. Stepmom would complain that grandmother was trying to get my dad to divorce her. Then, later on when I was about 15 I finally figured out she was an alcoholic when she was having me make her drinks and lie to my dad about where we were running errands. It was to visit her "friend" who gave her pills and to pick up her pot. Most people I know can handle it if they smoke, she turns nasty and mean. I was made to fill her whiskey bottle with tea to make it look full, hide a bottle in my room inside a boot, while she kept another in the back of the hall closet and the bathroom. I finally ratted her out and almost caused a divorce according to her. Everything was and is still all my fault if they fight, which they do all the time. I moved in with them after my mother passed away and they bought a new home. I had to paint the entire inside and pack up their house for them. I then had to help unpack, which was fine except for somehow ALL of my things were broken, including my bed. The few things of my mother's we didnt have to sell for her funeral had gone missing and when I asked about it she started screaming and kicked me out. I spent the next year living on couches until I graduated. I didnt speak to my dad for over a year. Finally we started talking again. Flash forward to now...I'm married and in my early 30s with a 2 yr old, our only child. Both my husband and I were laid off so my dad offered to let us move in here. If I had an other option I would take it, I don't. AT ALL. I thought that things had changed as we got older, but I found they have gotten worse. I am still treated like an 8 year old, only she now informs me that because she pays all the bills, buys all the food, and that this is her house I have to treat it the way I did when I was there during summers as a kid. I was told each day I have to clean a different room, cook all the meals, do all the shopping and yard work and laundry. My husband and i are going to school and are almost done with our degrees. He gets paid by the military (he was in for 12 years). They do not pay for everything. We pay our car payment, over half the food, our share of electric, etc. I am trying to save up for us to get back into our own place, but our car has broken twice and we are having to pay out for the lease we had to break. She tells me I am a **** because I slept with someone other than my husband, makes fun of me to people she knows behind my back and (the worst) she now has doctors prescribing her meds for "stress" and takes a 2 month supply in 1 week. During which time she has physical attacked me and my husband and then called her family to tell them how WE are abusing her! She tells me how I actually had my husband quit (me, too) so that we could move in to their house and wait for my father to die so I can take it from her. To make this even more bizarre she completely adores my daughter and treats her like an angel. She is jealous of my sister's success, but likes her. Why is it only me she is so mean to? I was never a bad child. If anything I was pretty decent. I was quiet and liked to read and hated confrontation. I NEVER gave her a reason to dislike me. It's been suggested to me by a friend that she dislikes me because I look like my mother.

Part of what set this all off tonight is the fact that stepmother was drunk and she started bragging about how she kept my parents from getting back together when I was younger, before she married my dad. She lied to him about being pregnant to stop a reconciliation. My mother had filed for a divorce because she was getting very ill with her diabetes and my father couldn't handle it. She didn't want him to have to stay with a sick wife. ANdMy stepmother thought I would find this funny and be proud of her for stopping them from getting back together by lying to my dad about being pregnant.

shut up

Don't forget about us step fathers, I can say I have sd's from hell.

ive just lost my year long girlfriend who i loved because of her evil stepdaughter wanting her all to herself i was swore at manipulated and she told lies about me i cant beleive because of her im holmeless and her mum just carrys on supporting her even when she read me. and saw what she done t

I'm sorry to intrude, but i have a question. I have a stepmom. She has been around for almost 10 years now. She and my dad lived in another country when I was growing up. 4 years ago I met a man in that same country, married him and moved over. We now have 2 little girls of our own. I will admit, that when I was a teenager I was not the most pleasant person to be around. I made choices without thinking about the consiquences, or the affect it would have on others. All of those things happened over 5 years ago, and since then I have made every effort to recconcile. My stepmom cannot forgive me (please understand I didn't ever do anything directly to her or to hurt her. I liked her... I had no idea that she didn't like me). She is jealous of my relationship with my dad (We see him once every couple of months, and speak to him once every 2 or 3 wks). She says that because of the hurtful things I did when I was 15, she cannot forgive me, and because of that my own daughters aren't able to have a relationship with their grandpa. Can anyone give me any advise on how to make things better? I want to make things work for my girls sake.



Thank You

well - how bad was it? I can say from experience that my 15 year old step daughter has said some horrible things to me, about me and made living with her a real challenge. I know she doesn't feel that words hurt, but they do.

It sucks to be a step parent and rejected over and over again. Some of it is typical teenager, some of it is because I am an easy target. Overall because that parent child bond isn't there, it is really difficult to bounce back from these things and I feel abandoned and like she is actively trying to push me out.

My feelings are hurt, after 5 years I feel like all of my love and attention was for nothing.

You may remember this as "typical" but you really need to think about it from her point of view. She probably has a lot of resentment about how difficult you made her life - maybe it was bad enough that for several years you were the only focus and it ruined good memories.

I don't know - but I would suggest patience on your part and love. It may take awhile, the damage you caused may have been deep. Just because you were a teenager it doesn't mean your actions don't have major consequences.

I get the "she is just a little girl" when she is almost 15. For years she played her dads guilt resulting in 5 years of affairs between my husband and his ex. Now she refuses to be around me and will only see her dad if I am not around. She comes to my home and does not acknowledge me and I am told....she is just a little girl. Oh get over it....she is sleeping with her 16 year old boyfriend. She is not a little girl. She is a manipulative little ***** just like her mom. When are the husbands going to realize that the wife comes first. ALWAYS!

I get the "she is just a little girl" when she is almost 15. For years she played her dads guilt resulting in 5 years of affairs between my husband and his ex. Now she refuses to be around me and will only see her dad if I am not around. She comes to my home and does not acknowledge me and I am told....she is just a little girl. Oh get over it....she is sleeping with her 16 year old boyfriend. She is not a little girl. She is a manipulative little ***** just like her mom. When are the husbands going to realize that the wife comes first. ALWAYS!

You know what I hate to hear is this statement, "They are just children, you are the parents, and should know better." That is easier said than done especially when the father is taking both sides of the story to make a decision. As if we are both children instead of just backing up the spouse. I mean I understand why people say you have to be a step parent to understand. I would go further and say you would have to be a step mother with a step daughter to understand. I am new here, I will take time to introduce myself later. I am just getting upset at hearing these women come in here and tell us to grow up and be mature. Everybody has a part to play in these situations the father, the step mother, and the step daughter. For the step daughters to hide behind being "a child" is a cop out, which means they were probably some of the biggest manipulators out there. Always justifying their behavior with one excuse after another.

I can't stand my step daughter, either. Believe me, I have tried. I grew up with a step father, who I refer to as "dad". It was and still is the one of the best relationships I have.



I have tried with this child. She is an only child when she is with her mother. Her mother controls when she sees us, and where. My husband and she are supposed to have joint legal custody. SHe make sunilateral decisions regarding step daughter all the time.



She is with us 2 nights during the school year and 3 during the summer. I dread every one of those nights. I know she is sneaky, manipulative and plys her parents against each other. She is constantly hanging on or laying across her father. I have expressed my concern with this to my husband, but he dismisses it. She is only kind to her half sister whne she thinks her dad is paying attention. When she thinks backs are turned, out come the claws. Her sister is only 3, and thinks the world of this brat.



Recently she has started telling her mother lies about me, and things that happen at our house. She "goes to bed crying b/c she can't spend alone time with her father" We have tried to explain to her that she is part of a family here, and not an only child. I have bought things for her, taken her places, and the thanks I get is a phone call from her mom that I am too grouchy. WHAT? We send her mother a lot of $$ weekly in CS. It was ordered when my husband had a great job. He was laid off 2 years ago, and we make a lot less now. She still gets the old CS amt. I should not have to buy the child clothing and shoes, however, she is 8,and mom sends her here in size 4 outfits. I feel badly for her sometimes. I wish there was a place or supposrt group to go to.



She used to be a sweet little girl, and I am terrified about what a monster she has become. I am afraid her attitude will gradually get owrse with the impending teen years. I honestly have tried everything. I just can't force myself to love here like I do my own kids. It's gotten to be unbearable for me to ber home when she is here. I don't know what to do. My husband would be sad if he knew this, so I keep it a secret. Wat a burden. I know he sees her faults, and misdeeds, however he feels that it's only 2 days a week, we should coddle and deal. WHAT? We have 2 other children here....help. I really, truly, honestly have tried with this child, but after the recent lies and deceet, I am done.

@passion33, great post. Love the brutal honesty. I can see that it has much merit in my case. I have long been treated as "the other woman" by my grown stepdaughters for almost 20 years. They considered me a direct threat from the first time we met. One has made many references to being #1 in people's lives around her, as in, "She's better figure out that I'm #1". Funny that you mention having to be numero uno, because mine actually says she is.



As for your advice for making it better, are you suggesting such brutal honesty as telling her that she is seeking sexual approval from her father, and that she's not invited to sleep between us?



I can only imagine how that would go over, as true as it may be. At this point, I have given up all hope that we will every get along. There is too much history for me to ever trust her. I am a threat and will always be a threat. I can't see her without her doing something to remind me of her thought process and insecurities.



It's just too draining to try to have a relationship with someone who has an axe to grind. My life is better off without her in it, so I have retracted all efforts to communicate with her. So we don't communicate at all, because she's never tried to reach out to me. That would qualify as showing weakness, and she'd never do it.



My energies go to shoring up the positive relationships in my life, and shedding the ones that aren't healthy. I think she probably feels the same, which is why she isn't in her father's life either. She probably thinks it's all me. It's really all her. The way I've wanted to be treated is no less than what she would expect in a marriage. For some reason, she has convinced herself that she is entitled to more, at my expense. She'd come unglued if anyone ever put the same kind of terms on her relationships.



I think the only chance she'll ever have of seeing another side is if she marries a man with kids. At this point, i don't really care what side she sees. That's her business.

@Susuma: You kicked serious *** with your comment! With you all the way!

I meant to say, I entered her life 4yrs ago, so it's not like we've just been thrust together either.

My 8yr old step daughter accused her mother and step father of physical, emotional and intellectual abuse and moved in with her father and myself almost a year ago. She has since come clean and said it was all lies. She tells them lies about us too. We have tried counselling, psychiatric help, we always give her individual time with each of us and family time with us, yet she is still telling lies about everyone. She has started to be mean with my daughter (her half sister) who is 13m old. and when speaking with her mother on the phone last week she kicked our cat across the room. She tells them she wants to move back with them and that she misses them and loves them (we've heard her say it) and yet she writes little notes and leaves them out for us begging us not to make her go back because they scare her. She has told her friends that we keep her against her will and won't let her go back to her mums. Yet we are in the middle of court action over her original statements of abuse and until it is all cleared up we are not allowed to return her. She was placed in our care by the police, social services, and the court. She constantly wants attention and will scream and shout and destroy things if she has to wait even for a few minutes while you're on the loo or in a phone conversation. She lashes out and hits us and shouts that no one is listening to her yet she talks and talks a tonne of lies for 2-3hrs at a time and even admits at the end of it that she is lying and just wanted attention. We have another baby on the way and I am concerned that she will hurt him/her when they are born. She has already said she hates her sister and wishes that my lil girl was dead. We don't know what else to do. She has been treated with kindness, love, and support the whole way through. Her parents had split long before I came on the scene and her mother's partner was already living with her and her mum a year before I met her father. We always got on very well up until all this started to do with her mum and step dad. Her gradually increasing aggression is really worrying us as our daughter together is at risk and there is no warning before my step daughter flares up. Any suggestions? I will gladly take any help I can get!!!

I completely agree with what passion33 said. I know that my boyfriends daughter had a hold on him that was so strong. It did not make sense to me because it did seem 'sexual', and yet I knew that ****** was not happening here. When I tried to talk to him about the control she has over him, he would immediately refuse to talk about it.

Now I know, and as hard as it is for me, she can have her all to himself, because I have had it. I am so tired of constantly being lied to, and let down. I will not be treated as though I am inconsequential compared to her. She is 24 years old, and has just moved back home. I am moving out.

I feel so sorry and ashamed that i have to say this on the net!! I just can’t handle it anymore :-(

I (never married before, healthy, prsentable, from a well to do family) married to this lady because and just because i wanted to give love to both of them (and do something worthwhile) with my life.

My wife (i realised after marriage) was so taken aback by my happy go lucky and genuinely caring attitude towards her daughter (my step daughter, which i always hated to call her) that she (my wife) ‘actually’ trained my step daughter to not to be close to me and gradually stopped her (my step daughter’s) visits to our home.

She (my step daughter) was doing so well in her studies/over all development etc. When i was giving her time and guiding her and one fine day (thanks to her mother’s training) she talks back to me, which she never did before.

Long story short this girl (who was once my darling daughter) is just another spoilt/guidance less/ manner less/etiquatteless brat for me and the lady....what to say....is finding ways to get divorce from me (for absolutely ‘no’ good reason) because i ask her to keep herself,house,car,kitchen etc. Clean (she makes mess everywhere, will not clear her own mess, leaves sanitary napkin on the bathroom floor....list is endless....) and I don’t want to divorce her ‘only’ because I believe you marry only once and that’s it !! (Here I would like to mention that parents of ‘two’ beautiful girls have offered me to marry their daughters (very kind of them) because they know the lady i married and what I have done for them (her and her daughter) and what I have been through and am going through. :-(

it seems to me a lot of step parents are choosing their own children over the step child they dislike. they list a bunch of qualities that their daughters have that their step child appears to lack but are oblivous to the fact that they're giving a somewhat impartial observation.

I am a stepdaughter for 10 years now and i have to say that my stepmom is a wonderful person. its not that we always had fun times, of course, it was difficult at times to get along; but i know that in her heart she wants my well- being. i never really hated her; i get angry with her sometimes, but isn't that normal? i would have felt angry at times if it was my own mother, right?

I really agree that its a sexuality thing with a daughter/ father. It seems really weird to me because I don't ever remember being that way with my dad but I also never felt like I needed to compete with another woman I guess. My step daughter is now 16 but doesn't come around much at all by her choice. These are some examples.... we have a daughter together and one time I sat in the back seat with my daughter and she sat in the front and they held hands like a couple would which I found strange. Another instance is whenever we would watch movies she would be laying on him some how or another. We were at my kids sporting event and they were walking holding hands and here I am walking beside him and I would think we would be the ones holding hands walking. While at a store she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around him rubbing on his chest or would put her hands in his pockets. I did express my feelings about this to my husband and told him it made me feel uncomfortable with this and he tried to make her understand that her touchy feely is something a daughter doesn't do with a father. I have tried to have a relationship with her but it seems impossible and I think she wont be happy until I'm out of the picture which I have no plans of doing. I tell you if I knew what I know now I wouldn't have gotten into a blended family relationship, and I think the step-daughters are the worst to deal with.

Passion33, I think you are right on target with this. My bf's daughter has always acted like she's the wife, and doesn't want her father to be involved with anyone. It's a very sad, sick situation. I'm treated like "the other woman". He's too chicken **** to stand up to her and put her in her place. She's 18 now and it hasn't gotten better. I'll never get involved with a man with a daughter ever again.

Being a full time counselor and a step-parent, I can empathize with your thoughts and emotions on this subject. The toughest thing next to being a parent is that of being a step-parent.



Stepchild/parent relations is probably the biggest item on my appointment schedule. Questions of where do "I" fit in for the step parent and child is or are the biggest concern(s). Most serious problems between step parent and child occur around the age 12. Ironically, stepson and stepmother relations have very few reported problems. The step mother/daughter is the most contentious, step father/daughter is the second most contentious.



Finding resolution strategies for those I serve in this subject is tough, it requires much work and research. I have questioned psychatric and psysological specialists the world over, from the prestigious to the obscure. And the common answer from all (you might want to sit down for this one, I sure did): is the old Freudian assertion that there is a level of repressed sexuality between the daughter and father. Ergo the very tense subsequent relationships between the stepmother and stepdaughter. And this also translates in the stepdaughter/father relations as well. But I will keep to the stepdaughter/stepmother for this thread.



After hours upon hours of discussions with the various "experts", I have tried to boil the problems in this very complex relationship to the simplest terms possible. And the solution is to deal with the subject in the most forthright manner possible without any cultural hedges that we all have to deal with in real life.



Cutting through it all. The reason the step daughter has a most contentious relationship with the stepmother is competition of "sexuality." And while you are taking a deep gasp saying no way, I will explain as upon this shocking thought (it was to me as I dived deeper into this common problem). The best way to get to this is hit facts that are often cliched because most are not comfortable thinking in such terms much less discussing them.



1. Women when they choose their mate in life, most often chooses a man that most resembles their father in terms of character traits, habits, etc. This is why fathers/stepfathers go off the deep end when a young lady starts dating someone that matches this assertion. Who likes looking in a mirror? lol

2. In early life, the parent that a daughter most often seeks approval from is that of the father figure.

3. In pre-teen and teenage years, the father figure is still the one that a young lady will seek approval from (or voiced disapproval), be it attire that attenuates her features of womanhood, sexuality. The problem in this due to the current cultural rules, what man is comfortable saying "gee honey, those tight jeans really bring out your shape?" even when deep down we all know that the thought is entertained. The taboo secret that no-one (not even me) is comfortable with is the psycholically proven fact that a young lady wants her sexuality realized, acknowleged and approved by the father figure in life. So in absence of direct approval and acknowledgement, comments of disapproval are taken for such in the form of portrayed rebellion.

3. No woman likes competition from another woman and can have the tendency to deal with such in the most final of terms.



What does this have to do with the price of tea in china you ask? In all the comments to this story, a common thread of jealousy, competition, and manipulation come into play. A real life "soap opera" of sorts one might correctly assert. It comes down to two women (in their own right) competing for one man's attention and sole focus. In absence of the biological mother, the stepdaughter automatically (perhaps instinctually) assumes the role of "numero uno" in her father's life. The result, because the stepmother by the father's choice is number one in his life is: direct competition, jealousy, and manipulative schemes to unseat the stepmother.



The most effective resolution strategy I have found is bringing about all the issues that none of us , as a society feel, comfortable talking about. As anyother relationship, the stepdaughter/stepmother relationship requires "brutal" honesty of ones thoughts, aspirations, desires in regards to the father/husband. Once those things are (sometimes that is not possible) brought into the open light, usually repairing or establishing the relationship is a domino effect.



I know all this sounds bizarre, alien, etc. But in my experiences in looking for the solution to this agonizing problem, this is the only one I have found that actually works. I hope it helps some of you. j