A Rant For the Stepdaughters

When you read our stories, please do not prescribe your ideas as if they are the fix-all.  Allow me to provide you some information ...

We stepmother's are not 20 years old.  Most of us writing in this group have lived lives, have our own children, our own professions, and so on.  Most of us here ... it's not our first rodeo either. 

We've been down the path with our stepdaughter (s) long enough to know that we've tried every trick in our arsenal bag and THEY (the stepdaughters) are not going to respond positively regardless because they lack maturity and experience!  We know that maybe some day down the line they might come around but we aren't holding our breath as we wait. 

Please allow us to vent without you telling us what you needed as a stepdaughter because chances are even if you had been given 'that' you would not have responded in kind simply out of stubborn, angry, emotional, teen principle.

Please also realize many of us are stepdaughters as well and we KNOW what we needed from our stepmother.  You are not educating us on anything we don't already know or haven't already tried.

But ... when you do read these stories, please feel free to reflect on how difficult and awful you might have been to your own stepmother.  Then perhaps try to make amends with her.  You might also want to consider the theory of what goes around comes around and that you might be next in line for a stepchild that won't respond well to you regardless what you do or how much you give...

Just some food for thought to the young ladies that feel it's their job to comment and offer advice to us old ladies who've been around the block already!

If there is not a group for you, as a stepdaughter, perhaps you should create one to gripe about stepmothers and what they didn't do for you...

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal
31-35, F
46 Responses Aug 27, 2007

I was so ****** off with my husband and his disrespectful little bundle of poison, that I got up and left. And it is the best thing I have ever done. I have managed to secure a place of my own, for me and my daughter and I am rebuilding my relationship with my husband, but I will never let his daughter come anywhere near me or my daughter.

Don't get me wrong. This wasn't a desicion I took litely, but when I am being rushed into hospital with kidney failure and my husband can't be at my side, because he has promised to take his daughter shopping or some other ****. Enough is enough. I need a man I can depend on, not one that has given his ball sack to his daughter to use as a purse.

I'm reading these and I must say they do make me feel like I am in no way alone on this but I have not found answers. :(
I am 28 years old, my husband is 45.I have two children of my own and 3 step children twin boys age 13 and a 14 year old step daughter. I am currently not living with my husband, I have left due to what I thought was his lack of him being a good father and disciplining the children. The 14 yr old is out of control, sexting, lying & has stayed out all night, along with having grown men in our home while no one was there. My husband and I have fought over these things because I recognized the hormonal change in her and would address it with him, he would get furious at me in even thinking that of his daughter & now that we are living it I guess he resents me for identifying it & I also resent him for not listening. He in my book has not taken correct action on the maters either, always same punishments like taking the phone for a month even though she goes right back and pulls something again when she gets it back.
There is no co-parenting in out home or the other home where the mother dwells, when she gets tired of the kids she calls my husband at all hrs threatening to bring them over there, she has packed their stuff up and kicked them out before. I have always tried to work with her but knew to set boundaries, not saying I am not human of corse I was jealous of her at first now it's more of a "shame on you" type feeling. Because of that I no longer communicate. In the years past my husband would ignore her & she would call me, I always disciplined according to her, all that done in the long run was make the kids resent me & in a way I think that was her plan, she eventually told me her children hated me & I needed to just give up....yes, this statement killed me because I love my husband and those children I have been In Their lives for 5 years. I'm just babaling.....
Back to the point, I think the word hate has been tossed around so much that I'm just prone to say I HATE my step daughter for doing this to me! I look at her and all I see is a little Devil trying to ruin my life. Yes I know teens will be teens (it hasn't been that long for me) but she knows she is ruining our marriage and sets back and giggles l. I have always wanted us to have a bond, I've always reassured them I was NOT taking anyone's place. I have done more for my step children than my own in the past, when I finally realized that and tried making it up to mine, I can feel their resentment towards me. I am going crazy, I love my husband (sometimes I don't know why) but I do, I miss his touch his sweet morning and night hugs kisses ect. I miss him, you would think that would be enough to stay & just ignore her but I have two small children that NEED me, they need to know the roll of a parent, the roll of a provider, they need to know respect, they need to be taught that their mom is worthy & doesn't need to be treated like nothing. I hate that we ALL as adults have let a evil child ruin our happiness & that either parent wouldn't want the best for one another and step in and stand up to the daughter, cause I believe had these children been directed by their superiors to honor and obey every parent there would be in harmony....

Well where do I start. 17 years 4 step children and two biological children later. <br />
2 step children who have lived with us, rejected by mum when they chose to, they love me. The other two make no effort with me or their dad biological full siblings or half siblings. Tonight after being the only parents (my husband and i ) to contrbute to the weddining 9 months ago (ex wife and new partner couldnt even cough up for the dress, in laws couldnt pay for drinks we had to buy our own) now we bother to visit the newly weds they cant even manage to get out to buty a chook and rolls for lunch , we have to. Oh for Gods sake, whoops they are christians and care about others more than other family.<br />
That is my purge thanks for listening. thankyou to the step childern I love and who by choosing to love me for who I am and not because a biolgocal relationship says so , make me feel I am doing it right !!!

Add a response...

I have been the whole route myself as a step mother for 25 years. This girl came to my home after her mother threw her out like trash. Since day one she has done all she could to come between my husband and me. she has succeeded she has managed to sever me from my family and all it involves. I hate her & will hate her till I see her dead & buried. I hope karma hits her long & hard. She single handedly cost me my entire life she has to pay for it.

Sometimes I feel that way to but I think they need more love ❤ it's harder to be a step mom then a mom to your own because you feel as if you are going over and beyond most of of the problems come with the husbands because they back there kids up and not yours together it women and women thing if they'd just let you disapline the as if they're you own our would stop thinking your always against their child you'd probably have a good relationship sometimes the actually parent cause more problem for us then our own step children its not there fault they're been through alot and need help sometimes as a step mom I feel my husband cause ls more arguments and problems between us lecturing me and saying I torment her and don't treat my step daughter like my boys when I go futher and beyond for her because she special though my husband makes it a big deal it always will be so I work on talking with him about the problem before her because its our job as parents to think we've raised our kids right

I wish I had found this forum years ago!! So I'm not the monster I felt like for not being able to stand my step daughter? I am happy to say after years of praying and living with a teen ager who made any time around her feel like hell, she has moved out with her mother and isn't welcome back! It's so good to know there are other women who feel the same feelings that are good people. These children can wreck so many aspects of our life, but it does get better! Just pray and try to do the right things and hopefully their fathers will finally wake up and see that their child has been tricking everyone for so long.

Need to vent. my story is not as bad as some I have read. We have been married for a year and my stepdaughter is 26 yrs and not living with us. Sounds a no brainer. But this is no ordinary young lady. She is a master manipulater. Extremely self centered. Her biological mother has mental health problems and this has been passed on. I thought she was wonderful when I first met her and she seemed over the moon that her dad was so happy. But all that changed when she realised I was staying in his life and I wasn't just passing through. My husband sees her through rose coloured glasses, as all fathers should, so I find it easier to keep a polite distance. Now she is expecting her first child with her same sex partner. I want my husband to be a part of his grandchilds life. But I don't think I can be. I spent 28 years with a control freak and never left because I was conditioned to be someone else. Now my life (apart from this aspect) is wonderful and I have a man who truly loves me but his daughter is the manipulative control freak I ran away from.


....remember ppl.....you can say they are kids and just act up...but remember these kids turn into the douchebag people you dont want to be around as an adult.


I would consider myself an incredibly kind, caring person, who has learned

I am a stepmother of 2 girls or better said woman. One just turned 22 the other is about to turn 28. For the past 6 years I learned the hard way how to hate! It is the worst situation a person can be in. Man and woman who create these kids should be arrested for letting us go thru so much. I was attacked in public by one and many times me and my husband were verbally abused by the other. Nothing is enough or ever good for them, as long as they drain you mentally, financially and emotionally. I allways felt bad to have these feelings, I am happy I found this group to share my experience. You cannot discuss this with anyone who have not been there they never understand. My husband keeps defending them and making excuses for there actions. One is extremely manipulating the other is suffering from depression. The ex wife is a completre lunatic that even stalked us for the 5 years. I have 2 boys 11 and 13 years old, they have a stepmother they respect and like. I do not know what else to do. I changed the rules this year, I told my husband if he continues to spoil them i will devorce him. I have to say that since I told them both that they can enter my house only when i permit they have been very careful with there action.

Please give me some advice...<br />
Here's my story. When I was 8 my dad and stepmom married each other. Me and my stepmom LOVED each other for 2 years. I'm 12 now so when I turned 10 she started hating me. I will admit I wouldn't listen to her. But when I learned my lesson I started listening she just kept hating me. I still LOVE her but she HATES me. I just don't get why I love her so much.

I'd like to throw my story out there and please get some advice back. I am a step daughter and have been for 25 years this month. My dad married my stepmom when I was 8 and she proceeded to try to drive me and my sister apart from my dad. To begin with, I've recently learned some things from people her and my dad used to know. They married into my mom's (she died when I was a teen) family and had been very good friends with my dad for most of his life. Apparently they quit talking to him slowly after he married my step mom. So has my dad's family. The friends told me that when my stepmom saw my dad's house she bragged how she was going to 'catch' him and that would be hers.<br />
<br />
OK, here goes. When they were first married she told us she was pregnant, then said she lost the baby because my mother was stalking her and making hang up calls. She told us our mother shoplifted and made us call her Bessie the cow. My mother was a good woman who may have been strict, but she made sure we had what we needed. She also had diabetes and was in the hospital 6 months+ out of the year. We had to stay with my dad during those times. When we were there my stepmom would tell us we didn't have to go to school, but to tell my dad we did so that me and my sister wouldn't get into trouble. I almost failed 6th and 7th grade because of this. We were both told never to eat anything without permission because it was her food. Our best friend lived across the street and durring summer when we were there my stepmom would tell us at 8 am to leave the house and not come back until 5pm. Our dad got home at 530. Our friends mom would feed us so we didnt go hungry. We were made to feel bad that our dad had to pay child support so they lost their house. They lost the house because my stepmom wouldnt work and they had a adjusted rate mortgage. She still doesn't work. She still doesn't work. I have worked since I was 15. They had to move to my grandmother's rent house, which was a nice house, but she hated my grandmother, too. Stepmom would complain that grandmother was trying to get my dad to divorce her. Then, later on when I was about 15 I finally figured out she was an alcoholic when she was having me make her drinks and lie to my dad about where we were running errands. It was to visit her "friend" who gave her pills and to pick up her pot. Most people I know can handle it if they smoke, she turns nasty and mean. I was made to fill her whiskey bottle with tea to make it look full, hide a bottle in my room inside a boot, while she kept another in the back of the hall closet and the bathroom. I finally ratted her out and almost caused a divorce according to her. Everything was and is still all my fault if they fight, which they do all the time. I moved in with them after my mother passed away and they bought a new home. I had to paint the entire inside and pack up their house for them. I then had to help unpack, which was fine except for somehow ALL of my things were broken, including my bed. The few things of my mother's we didnt have to sell for her funeral had gone missing and when I asked about it she started screaming and kicked me out. I spent the next year living on couches until I graduated. I didnt speak to my dad for over a year. Finally we started talking again. Flash forward to now...I'm married and in my early 30s with a 2 yr old, our only child. Both my husband and I were laid off so my dad offered to let us move in here. If I had an other option I would take it, I don't. AT ALL. I thought that things had changed as we got older, but I found they have gotten worse. I am still treated like an 8 year old, only she now informs me that because she pays all the bills, buys all the food, and that this is her house I have to treat it the way I did when I was there during summers as a kid. I was told each day I have to clean a different room, cook all the meals, do all the shopping and yard work and laundry. My husband and i are going to school and are almost done with our degrees. He gets paid by the military (he was in for 12 years). They do not pay for everything. We pay our car payment, over half the food, our share of electric, etc. I am trying to save up for us to get back into our own place, but our car has broken twice and we are having to pay out for the lease we had to break. She tells me I am a **** because I slept with someone other than my husband, makes fun of me to people she knows behind my back and (the worst) she now has doctors prescribing her meds for "stress" and takes a 2 month supply in 1 week. During which time she has physical attacked me and my husband and then called her family to tell them how WE are abusing her! She tells me how I actually had my husband quit (me, too) so that we could move in to their house and wait for my father to die so I can take it from her. To make this even more bizarre she completely adores my daughter and treats her like an angel. She is jealous of my sister's success, but likes her. Why is it only me she is so mean to? I was never a bad child. If anything I was pretty decent. I was quiet and liked to read and hated confrontation. I NEVER gave her a reason to dislike me. It's been suggested to me by a friend that she dislikes me because I look like my mother. <br />
Part of what set this all off tonight is the fact that stepmother was drunk and she started bragging about how she kept my parents from getting back together when I was younger, before she married my dad. She lied to him about being pregnant to stop a reconciliation. My mother had filed for a divorce because she was getting very ill with her diabetes and my father couldn't handle it. She didn't want him to have to stay with a sick wife. ANdMy stepmother thought I would find this funny and be proud of her for stopping them from getting back together by lying to my dad about being pregnant.

shut up

Don't forget about us step fathers, I can say I have sd's from hell.

ive just lost my year long girlfriend who i loved because of her evil stepdaughter wanting her all to herself i was swore at manipulated and she told lies about me i cant beleive because of her im holmeless and her mum just carrys on supporting her even when she read me. and saw what she done t

I'm sorry to intrude, but i have a question. I have a stepmom. She has been around for almost 10 years now. She and my dad lived in another country when I was growing up. 4 years ago I met a man in that same country, married him and moved over. We now have 2 little girls of our own. I will admit, that when I was a teenager I was not the most pleasant person to be around. I made choices without thinking about the consiquences, or the affect it would have on others. All of those things happened over 5 years ago, and since then I have made every effort to recconcile. My stepmom cannot forgive me (please understand I didn't ever do anything directly to her or to hurt her. I liked her... I had no idea that she didn't like me). She is jealous of my relationship with my dad (We see him once every couple of months, and speak to him once every 2 or 3 wks). She says that because of the hurtful things I did when I was 15, she cannot forgive me, and because of that my own daughters aren't able to have a relationship with their grandpa. Can anyone give me any advise on how to make things better? I want to make things work for my girls sake. <br />
<br />
Thank You

well - how bad was it? I can say from experience that my 15 year old step daughter has said some horrible things to me, about me and made living with her a real challenge. I know she doesn't feel that words hurt, but they do.

It sucks to be a step parent and rejected over and over again. Some of it is typical teenager, some of it is because I am an easy target. Overall because that parent child bond isn't there, it is really difficult to bounce back from these things and I feel abandoned and like she is actively trying to push me out.

My feelings are hurt, after 5 years I feel like all of my love and attention was for nothing.

You may remember this as "typical" but you really need to think about it from her point of view. She probably has a lot of resentment about how difficult you made her life - maybe it was bad enough that for several years you were the only focus and it ruined good memories.

I don't know - but I would suggest patience on your part and love. It may take awhile, the damage you caused may have been deep. Just because you were a teenager it doesn't mean your actions don't have major consequences.

I get the "she is just a little girl" when she is almost 15. For years she played her dads guilt resulting in 5 years of affairs between my husband and his ex. Now she refuses to be around me and will only see her dad if I am not around. She comes to my home and does not acknowledge me and I am told....she is just a little girl. Oh get over it....she is sleeping with her 16 year old boyfriend. She is not a little girl. She is a manipulative little ***** just like her mom. When are the husbands going to realize that the wife comes first. ALWAYS!

I get the "she is just a little girl" when she is almost 15. For years she played her dads guilt resulting in 5 years of affairs between my husband and his ex. Now she refuses to be around me and will only see her dad if I am not around. She comes to my home and does not acknowledge me and I am told....she is just a little girl. Oh get over it....she is sleeping with her 16 year old boyfriend. She is not a little girl. She is a manipulative little ***** just like her mom. When are the husbands going to realize that the wife comes first. ALWAYS!

You know what I hate to hear is this statement, "They are just children, you are the parents, and should know better." That is easier said than done especially when the father is taking both sides of the story to make a decision. As if we are both children instead of just backing up the spouse. I mean I understand why people say you have to be a step parent to understand. I would go further and say you would have to be a step mother with a step daughter to understand. I am new here, I will take time to introduce myself later. I am just getting upset at hearing these women come in here and tell us to grow up and be mature. Everybody has a part to play in these situations the father, the step mother, and the step daughter. For the step daughters to hide behind being "a child" is a cop out, which means they were probably some of the biggest manipulators out there. Always justifying their behavior with one excuse after another.

I can't stand my step daughter, either. Believe me, I have tried. I grew up with a step father, who I refer to as "dad". It was and still is the one of the best relationships I have.<br />
<br />
I have tried with this child. She is an only child when she is with her mother. Her mother controls when she sees us, and where. My husband and she are supposed to have joint legal custody. SHe make sunilateral decisions regarding step daughter all the time.<br />
<br />
She is with us 2 nights during the school year and 3 during the summer. I dread every one of those nights. I know she is sneaky, manipulative and plys her parents against each other. She is constantly hanging on or laying across her father. I have expressed my concern with this to my husband, but he dismisses it. She is only kind to her half sister whne she thinks her dad is paying attention. When she thinks backs are turned, out come the claws. Her sister is only 3, and thinks the world of this brat.<br />
<br />
Recently she has started telling her mother lies about me, and things that happen at our house. She "goes to bed crying b/c she can't spend alone time with her father" We have tried to explain to her that she is part of a family here, and not an only child. I have bought things for her, taken her places, and the thanks I get is a phone call from her mom that I am too grouchy. WHAT? We send her mother a lot of $$ weekly in CS. It was ordered when my husband had a great job. He was laid off 2 years ago, and we make a lot less now. She still gets the old CS amt. I should not have to buy the child clothing and shoes, however, she is 8,and mom sends her here in size 4 outfits. I feel badly for her sometimes. I wish there was a place or supposrt group to go to.<br />
<br />
She used to be a sweet little girl, and I am terrified about what a monster she has become. I am afraid her attitude will gradually get owrse with the impending teen years. I honestly have tried everything. I just can't force myself to love here like I do my own kids. It's gotten to be unbearable for me to ber home when she is here. I don't know what to do. My husband would be sad if he knew this, so I keep it a secret. Wat a burden. I know he sees her faults, and misdeeds, however he feels that it's only 2 days a week, we should coddle and deal. WHAT? We have 2 other children here....help. I really, truly, honestly have tried with this child, but after the recent lies and deceet, I am done.

@passion33, great post. Love the brutal honesty. I can see that it has much merit in my case. I have long been treated as "the other woman" by my grown stepdaughters for almost 20 years. They considered me a direct threat from the first time we met. One has made many references to being #1 in people's lives around her, as in, "She's better figure out that I'm #1". Funny that you mention having to be numero uno, because mine actually says she is. <br />
<br />
As for your advice for making it better, are you suggesting such brutal honesty as telling her that she is seeking sexual approval from her father, and that she's not invited to sleep between us? <br />
<br />
I can only imagine how that would go over, as true as it may be. At this point, I have given up all hope that we will every get along. There is too much history for me to ever trust her. I am a threat and will always be a threat. I can't see her without her doing something to remind me of her thought process and insecurities. <br />
<br />
It's just too draining to try to have a relationship with someone who has an axe to grind. My life is better off without her in it, so I have retracted all efforts to communicate with her. So we don't communicate at all, because she's never tried to reach out to me. That would qualify as showing weakness, and she'd never do it. <br />
<br />
My energies go to shoring up the positive relationships in my life, and shedding the ones that aren't healthy. I think she probably feels the same, which is why she isn't in her father's life either. She probably thinks it's all me. It's really all her. The way I've wanted to be treated is no less than what she would expect in a marriage. For some reason, she has convinced herself that she is entitled to more, at my expense. She'd come unglued if anyone ever put the same kind of terms on her relationships.<br />
<br />
I think the only chance she'll ever have of seeing another side is if she marries a man with kids. At this point, i don't really care what side she sees. That's her business.

@Susuma: You kicked serious *** with your comment! With you all the way!

I meant to say, I entered her life 4yrs ago, so it's not like we've just been thrust together either.

My 8yr old step daughter accused her mother and step father of physical, emotional and intellectual abuse and moved in with her father and myself almost a year ago. She has since come clean and said it was all lies. She tells them lies about us too. We have tried counselling, psychiatric help, we always give her individual time with each of us and family time with us, yet she is still telling lies about everyone. She has started to be mean with my daughter (her half sister) who is 13m old. and when speaking with her mother on the phone last week she kicked our cat across the room. She tells them she wants to move back with them and that she misses them and loves them (we've heard her say it) and yet she writes little notes and leaves them out for us begging us not to make her go back because they scare her. She has told her friends that we keep her against her will and won't let her go back to her mums. Yet we are in the middle of court action over her original statements of abuse and until it is all cleared up we are not allowed to return her. She was placed in our care by the police, social services, and the court. She constantly wants attention and will scream and shout and destroy things if she has to wait even for a few minutes while you're on the loo or in a phone conversation. She lashes out and hits us and shouts that no one is listening to her yet she talks and talks a tonne of lies for 2-3hrs at a time and even admits at the end of it that she is lying and just wanted attention. We have another baby on the way and I am concerned that she will hurt him/her when they are born. She has already said she hates her sister and wishes that my lil girl was dead. We don't know what else to do. She has been treated with kindness, love, and support the whole way through. Her parents had split long before I came on the scene and her mother's partner was already living with her and her mum a year before I met her father. We always got on very well up until all this started to do with her mum and step dad. Her gradually increasing aggression is really worrying us as our daughter together is at risk and there is no warning before my step daughter flares up. Any suggestions? I will gladly take any help I can get!!!

I completely agree with what passion33 said. I know that my boyfriends daughter had a hold on him that was so strong. It did not make sense to me because it did seem 'sexual', and yet I knew that ****** was not happening here. When I tried to talk to him about the control she has over him, he would immediately refuse to talk about it. <br />
Now I know, and as hard as it is for me, she can have her all to himself, because I have had it. I am so tired of constantly being lied to, and let down. I will not be treated as though I am inconsequential compared to her. She is 24 years old, and has just moved back home. I am moving out.

I feel so sorry and ashamed that i have to say this on the net!! I just can’t handle it anymore :-(<br />
I (never married before, healthy, prsentable, from a well to do family) married to this lady because and just because i wanted to give love to both of them (and do something worthwhile) with my life.<br />
My wife (i realised after marriage) was so taken aback by my happy go lucky and genuinely caring attitude towards her daughter (my step daughter, which i always hated to call her) that she (my wife) ‘actually’ trained my step daughter to not to be close to me and gradually stopped her (my step daughter’s) visits to our home.<br />
She (my step daughter) was doing so well in her studies/over all development etc. When i was giving her time and guiding her and one fine day (thanks to her mother’s training) she talks back to me, which she never did before.<br />
Long story short this girl (who was once my darling daughter) is just another spoilt/guidance less/ manner less/etiquatteless brat for me and the lady....what to say....is finding ways to get divorce from me (for absolutely ‘no’ good reason) because i ask her to keep herself,house,car,kitchen etc. Clean (she makes mess everywhere, will not clear her own mess, leaves sanitary napkin on the bathroom floor....list is endless....) and I don’t want to divorce her ‘only’ because I believe you marry only once and that’s it !! (Here I would like to mention that parents of ‘two’ beautiful girls have offered me to marry their daughters (very kind of them) because they know the lady i married and what I have done for them (her and her daughter) and what I have been through and am going through. :-(

it seems to me a lot of step parents are choosing their own children over the step child they dislike. they list a bunch of qualities that their daughters have that their step child appears to lack but are oblivous to the fact that they're giving a somewhat impartial observation.

I am a stepdaughter for 10 years now and i have to say that my stepmom is a wonderful person. its not that we always had fun times, of course, it was difficult at times to get along; but i know that in her heart she wants my well- being. i never really hated her; i get angry with her sometimes, but isn't that normal? i would have felt angry at times if it was my own mother, right?

I really agree that its a sexuality thing with a daughter/ father. It seems really weird to me because I don't ever remember being that way with my dad but I also never felt like I needed to compete with another woman I guess. My step daughter is now 16 but doesn't come around much at all by her choice. These are some examples.... we have a daughter together and one time I sat in the back seat with my daughter and she sat in the front and they held hands like a couple would which I found strange. Another instance is whenever we would watch movies she would be laying on him some how or another. We were at my kids sporting event and they were walking holding hands and here I am walking beside him and I would think we would be the ones holding hands walking. While at a store she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around him rubbing on his chest or would put her hands in his pockets. I did express my feelings about this to my husband and told him it made me feel uncomfortable with this and he tried to make her understand that her touchy feely is something a daughter doesn't do with a father. I have tried to have a relationship with her but it seems impossible and I think she wont be happy until I'm out of the picture which I have no plans of doing. I tell you if I knew what I know now I wouldn't have gotten into a blended family relationship, and I think the step-daughters are the worst to deal with.

Passion33, I think you are right on target with this. My bf's daughter has always acted like she's the wife, and doesn't want her father to be involved with anyone. It's a very sad, sick situation. I'm treated like "the other woman". He's too chicken **** to stand up to her and put her in her place. She's 18 now and it hasn't gotten better. I'll never get involved with a man with a daughter ever again.

Being a full time counselor and a step-parent, I can empathize with your thoughts and emotions on this subject. The toughest thing next to being a parent is that of being a step-parent.<br />
<br />
Stepchild/parent relations is probably the biggest item on my appointment schedule. Questions of where do "I" fit in for the step parent and child is or are the biggest concern(s). Most serious problems between step parent and child occur around the age 12. Ironically, stepson and stepmother relations have very few reported problems. The step mother/daughter is the most contentious, step father/daughter is the second most contentious.<br />
<br />
Finding resolution strategies for those I serve in this subject is tough, it requires much work and research. I have questioned psychatric and psysological specialists the world over, from the prestigious to the obscure. And the common answer from all (you might want to sit down for this one, I sure did): is the old Freudian assertion that there is a level of repressed sexuality between the daughter and father. Ergo the very tense subsequent relationships between the stepmother and stepdaughter. And this also translates in the stepdaughter/father relations as well. But I will keep to the stepdaughter/stepmother for this thread.<br />
<br />
After hours upon hours of discussions with the various "experts", I have tried to boil the problems in this very complex relationship to the simplest terms possible. And the solution is to deal with the subject in the most forthright manner possible without any cultural hedges that we all have to deal with in real life.<br />
<br />
Cutting through it all. The reason the step daughter has a most contentious relationship with the stepmother is competition of "sexuality." And while you are taking a deep gasp saying no way, I will explain as upon this shocking thought (it was to me as I dived deeper into this common problem). The best way to get to this is hit facts that are often cliched because most are not comfortable thinking in such terms much less discussing them.<br />
<br />
1. Women when they choose their mate in life, most often chooses a man that most resembles their father in terms of character traits, habits, etc. This is why fathers/stepfathers go off the deep end when a young lady starts dating someone that matches this assertion. Who likes looking in a mirror? lol<br />
2. In early life, the parent that a daughter most often seeks approval from is that of the father figure.<br />
3. In pre-teen and teenage years, the father figure is still the one that a young lady will seek approval from (or voiced disapproval), be it attire that attenuates her features of womanhood, sexuality. The problem in this due to the current cultural rules, what man is comfortable saying "gee honey, those tight jeans really bring out your shape?" even when deep down we all know that the thought is entertained. The taboo secret that no-one (not even me) is comfortable with is the psycholically proven fact that a young lady wants her sexuality realized, acknowleged and approved by the father figure in life. So in absence of direct approval and acknowledgement, comments of disapproval are taken for such in the form of portrayed rebellion.<br />
3. No woman likes competition from another woman and can have the tendency to deal with such in the most final of terms.<br />
<br />
What does this have to do with the price of tea in china you ask? In all the comments to this story, a common thread of jealousy, competition, and manipulation come into play. A real life "soap opera" of sorts one might correctly assert. It comes down to two women (in their own right) competing for one man's attention and sole focus. In absence of the biological mother, the stepdaughter automatically (perhaps instinctually) assumes the role of "numero uno" in her father's life. The result, because the stepmother by the father's choice is number one in his life is: direct competition, jealousy, and manipulative schemes to unseat the stepmother.<br />
<br />
The most effective resolution strategy I have found is bringing about all the issues that none of us , as a society feel, comfortable talking about. As anyother relationship, the stepdaughter/stepmother relationship requires "brutal" honesty of ones thoughts, aspirations, desires in regards to the father/husband. Once those things are (sometimes that is not possible) brought into the open light, usually repairing or establishing the relationship is a domino effect.<br />
<br />
I know all this sounds bizarre, alien, etc. But in my experiences in looking for the solution to this agonizing problem, this is the only one I have found that actually works. I hope it helps some of you. j


I know you meant this thread to be for stepmothers, but I have to tell you that I sympathize with your note. I am a stepfather (regrettably, I hate to say) and I often feel like I have nowhere to turn whenever I have a heavy concern on my heart. I am only 29, soon to be 30. I have 2 boys of my own, 5 yrs and 8 months. My wife has a daughter aged 12. Lately, she has become such a burden that I cannot stand to look at her or talk to her. She lies and manipulates people constantly, has a pathetic competitive relationship with my 5 year old son, and doesn't seem to learn from past mistakes.<br />
<br />
And just as you said, I TOO was a stepchild and my stepmother treated me very well. In fact, we'd sit in the kitchen and talk for HOURS sometimes just about life's goings-on in general so I do know what stepchildren need from there step parents and had a notion of what to do when I became one. This situation was not always how it is now, but I came into this child's life when she was 7 years old and I know for a fact that she was spoiled. As anyone that his dealt with a spoiled child knows, OLD HABITS DIE HARD (if they ever do). <br />
<br />
Needless to say, my experience as a stepfather is a regretful one and though I have children of my own, I WILL NOT enter into another relationship where there is a child. If I do, I will take as much time as needed to learn the idiosyncrasies of both parent and child and then decide if this is something I want to be a part of. With the exception of the birth of my sons, I feel like I have wasted 6 years of my life for people who don't appreciate what I have to offer them.

I know you meant this thread to be for stepmothers, but I have to tell you that I sympathize with your note. I am a stepfather (regrettably, I hate to say) and I often feel like I have nowhere to turn whenever I have a heavy concern on my heart. I am only 29, soon to be 30. I have 2 boys of my own, 5 yrs and 8 months. My wife has a daughter aged 12. Lately, she has become such a burden that I cannot stand to look at her or talk to her. She lies and manipulates people constantly, has a pathetic competitive relationship with my 5 year old son, and doesn't seem to learn from past mistakes.<br />
<br />
And just as you said, I TOO was a stepchild and my stepmother treated me very well. In fact, we'd sit in the kitchen and talk for HOURS sometimes just about life's goings-on in general so I do know what stepchildren need from there step parents and had a notion of what to do when I became one. This situation was not always how it is now, but I came into this child's life when she was 7 years old and I know for a fact that she was spoiled. As anyone that his dealt with a spoiled child knows, OLD HABITS DIE HARD (if they ever do). <br />
<br />
Needless to say, my experience as a stepfather is a regretful one and though I have children of my own, I WILL NOT enter into another relationship where there is a child. If I do, I will take as much time as needed to learn the idiosyncrasies of both parent and child and then decide if this is something I want to be a part of. With the exception of the birth of my sons, I feel like I have wasted 6 years of my life for people who don't appreciate what I have to offer them.

I've had enough of these types of people.<br />
<br />
You know you're being unreasonable and unfair.<br />
<br />
We (the step-daughters) might lack experience, but make up for it in gaining more from the experiences we HAVE had.<br />
<br />
It's useless to have experience if you learn so little from it.<br />
<br />
Why don't you use that so called "maturity" and stop insulting your children, you old hag.

I am a step daughter and I was a damn good one. Now, I have one straight from hell because she has her mothers genetics, as I have mine and my step mother and I are the best of friends. As my step father and I share a wonderful bond. I didnt kick, smack, stomp "hold me hold me hold me", every time my natural parent came with in feet of my step parent. Its odd that it is always those little girls that break up marriages, for it makes you wonder what kind of woman they ll be! BTW, step children are not our children and we choose how we treat them. We dont have to be anything to you or do anything for you at that.

You clearly lack experience in this department. If you can't find anything constructive to say, stop using this forum as a place to be mean and seek out answers elsewhere. Raising a step daughter is one of the most difficult things you can do. Most women enter into it with hope that they will have a great relationship with their SD. However, the responsibility of the relationship goes both ways and there are a lot of things that get in the way - teen hormones, biological moms with jealousy issues and more that are beyond the step mothers control. If the step daughter isn't open to a relationship then there isn't anything you can do.

Its extremely sad and after years of having someone be plain old mean to you, there is a line where you say I have poured my heart into this and now I need to protect myself.

Marrying someone's Father means you are a step mother and that you should try with an open heart to create a relationship with his children. However, saying "I Do" does not mean you need to be a punching bag for them and some step daughters treat you this way because of issues that were there long before you got on the scene. You didn't create the issue and you aren't the one that can fix it - that is the parent's job.

Currently my step daughter (15) is refusing to come over because we held her accountable for lying about pretty much everything and she is grounded for her grades. Her mom is more lenient and she would rather be in her home. Its breaking her Dad's heart, but she is making the choice. This affects our family and her brother and it looks like she won't be here for Christmas which will affect the rest of the family.

Its sad and she is being manipulative to get her way. At what point is she responsible for her selfish actions?

Just because you have parented, doesn't mean you're good at it.<br />
<br />
If you want someone to treat you kindly and with respect, you have to treat them similarly.<br />
<br />
Maybe the reason that they are reacting this way is because YOU are the ones who are immature and bringing yourselves down to their level.<br />
<br />
They are just children, you are the parents, and should know better. <br />
<br />
Also, don't you think it is a bit of a coincidence that you have been step-daughters and are all step-mothers NOW?<br />
<br />
Not all of your step-daughters are going to grow up and be step-mothers.<br />
<br />
It's all "Boo-hoo! My step-children are so mean to me! They're evil!"<br />
<br />
And then you go and moan and ***** on a community that you "Hate your step-daughter", and tell stories about how it is all THE CHILDREN'S fault, and try and tell them to conform to YOU.<br />
<br />

hello im 39 and have my own son who is 17 and a stepson who is 17 also but my promblem is with my stepdaughter who is now 19 20 in jan. my step son and stepdaughter live with us. married for 11yrs 1 yr ago she begin to hate me and tells her dad im the one who starts the fights we had a really good friendship before .now she tells me she is going to get me out of the house and out of her dads life..she has ran my own son out of the house and her brother doesnt want to be around her im really hurt that she does not want me around... i have always put her 1st maybe that is were i went wrong she does not like her real mom either i dont know what to do

I am 31 with two daughters of my own and a step daughter who is my nightmare. (I am too a step-daughter). We get her every other weekend and whenever she wants to come down. We live 1.5 hrs from her and her mother will NOT met us half way with her. Anyway her father will not get onto her for anything because he says that he don't have her enough to to that, but he has NO problem getting onto my girls, they live with us. My girls father is nowhere in the picture. I have tried to get along with this child and I have tried to love her but she will not let that happen. She WAS the only child until we came along and her mother recently had a new baby. She started lashing out for attention and telling lies on her step-father and myself. Ever since then I just have not been able to see past her. She will tell me that she is going to do something or say something because she knows that her daddy will get mad at me. In some ways I feel guilty because my husband is good with my girls, he is there for every thing that they are invloved in, but they love him and RESPECT him. This stepdaughter of mine can act like she is the sweetiest child around people, but let it just me and her and she is a devil. I really do not like her and I don't know what to do about it. Her father has no idea that I feel this way about her. My whole attitude changes when I know she is on her way to my house. What should I do? I've even thought about divorce because of her. I would never give him the choice of me or her because if I was given that choice my kids are going to come first, so I've thought about just leaving him.....I'm desperate for an answer, I pray and pray and pray to change my feelings toward her, but they don't. i think that they just get worse....any advice?

I know what your are saying I have been there myself. For me I refuse to let a child dictate my life. My oldest stepdaughter is now almost nineteen and lived with us since her mother had died. Her and I never did get along so when she went to college 20 minute away I refused to do for her anymore (eventhough I also go there). I told her and her dad it would be best to live on campus (shes out of my house). Now she has tried to cause problems here and I let my husbund deal with it. Our relationship is strained right now but he has seen some of her true colors and I am sure he will see more of her selfishness as we go along. I am hanging tight right now and if you can and its worth now that some day you will no longe have to deal with her. My stepdaughter is much like yours and you need to be smater than her and tell here (when he's not around) what you will and will not put up with and follow thru. Soon lies and deceet on her part will show it for its self.

I'm sorry Rose ... it sounds like a familar story ... it's so very frustrating too. And it's those stepdaughters that are providing their advice, having never been a stepmom nor mother, to those of us who are more than experienced ... that I am protesting against!<br />
<br />
Good luck to you, Rose.

Slow Down Folks, No One Is Looking At The Problem, Everyone Is Focusing On The Other Person and Not self, pray it might work out better, talk to you later,

I had a stepdaughter who manipulated my boyfriend (her father) and caused us to split up. He found no fault in his daughter. I have two sons who live on their own now so I know how to parent. He recently got his two children, his 15 year old daughter and his 17 year old son. She drove me crazy. He was a sweetheart = did everything I asked of him. She, on the otherhand, would ask dad to do it for her. He began attacking me (verbally) everytime I corrected her. She now controls his life - I had to ask them to leave my home. He calls her his queen = i had to remind him she was his princess. That totally told me i was not his queen. I can only imagine the future for them.

they also fail to realize that many of us are stepdaughters as well so we already know what we needed from our stepmothers ... God knows we've already attempted that ...

caustic, having never been a step-mom before would you offer another step-mom blatently OBVIOUS advice, i.e. be nice and don't try to be thier mother, based on your experience as a stepdaughter? <br />
<br />
I doubt you would ...<br />
<br />
This is to those who do ... those stepdaughters who have yet to be step moms who have yet to experience anything from the other side ... those who offer the most blatantly obvious advice as if we'd not already attempted that ... *eyes roll* it's seriously laughable...<br />
<br />
i was not saying anything about you, your maturity, what you've seen or have not! i don't know you. but those who are commenting with thier blantantaly obvious advice have absolutely no notion what it's like from this side (stepmom) and most of the times have not even read the entire story as the stories generally list what we've already tried!!!

truth: Just because you are older does no mean you have more experience than we do outside of literal real-time existence.<br />
<br />
Thats all I am saying. Perhaps you do in RL, but not all young people are wet-behind-the-ears, vapid and shallow little gits who dont know straw-foot from hay-foot. I'm only 24, and boy have I seen and been through things.<br />
<br />

C - it seems there are a lot of mother-in-laws and stepdaughters going about in groups they don't belong to disagreeing with the authors and giving advice that's really not advice ... 'tis why I wrote this. These people really need to create a group where they belong and accept the fact that they don't really belong in some groups until they've seen the flipside of the coin ...<br />
<br />
I belong to groups because I share the experience. I comment on stories because I've seen both sides of the coin - NOT because I 'think' my advice is worthy when it's yet to be tested ....<br />
<br />
I think it's important for commentors to consider a whole lot of info before they go putting their feet in their mouths...