Where Would You Be Now If You Hadn't Gotten (re)married?

I've sacrificed a lot for my stepdaughter in the last four years. I live over two hours away from my job, so that she could continue to go to the same school she went to before her parents divorced. That means over four hours of commuting every day. I also have given up most of the world travelling I loved to do, because my money now goes to pay for braces and school trips and prom dresses. And I've given up my sense of freedom, because I always need to consider my stepdaughter and her well-being in any and all decisions that I make.

I knew I'd have to make those sacrifices before I got married, and I was prepared to make them. They seemed like a fair trade for being in a loving, committed relationship with a woman who shared the same goals, dreams and values as me. And I also knew that things with her daughter were a little tense but I naively believed things would improve after we got married. I believed if all I do for this child is treat her with respect, be kind to her and be a good role model... how could she not grow to accept and maybe even love me?

If you're reading this than you know that's just not how it works. So now I'm making these sacrifices for someone who doesn't appreciate me, or what I do for her, at all. I've helped her mother to be much kinder and gentler with her... she doesn't care. I've helped her to get opportunities she otherwise never would have had... she doesn't care. I've shown her a better way of life than the life she had when her mom and birth father were still married... she doesn't care. And worse still, she constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) treats me with disrespect, hostility and abuse.

I've found myself daydreaming more and more about where I'd be if I had realized the mess I was getting myself into with my stepdaughter and chosen to not marry her mother.

At the time I met her mother, I was planning to work overseas so I'd probably still be doing that. I imagine sooner or later I would have met someone special over there and gotten married.

If homesickness got too strong I would have come home, worked in the city and lived in a condo. I would have been free to live where I wanted, had more money to spend on travel and fun and not felt this sickening feeling every day of living with someone who hates me and who I now hate back just as much.

I had reservations about having children of my own, and because my wife didn't want any more I decided to give up that possibility. But I know I would have been a good dad, and I often find myself wondering what my life would have been like if I had kids of my own, instead of assuming responsibility for someone else's child.

Most importantly, I would have been optimistic about the future, which is something that I've lost. No matter what, I know that I'm going to be stuck with this ingrateful, hurtful person, and that's going to impact me forever... unless I finally get fed up and leave the marriage, that is. An evil (what other word is there for it, really?) stepdaughter is like a thorn in your side that you can't pull out. You always know it's there, it always hurts and it never goes away.

So how about? Where would YOU be now if you hadn't gotten married or remarried?
FrustratedSF1 FrustratedSF1
31-35, M
4 Responses Jul 12, 2010

Thank you for your candor! Its as if you took the words straight from my mouth. It feels good to know that someone else feels this way. I hope you find your happiness!

Are you really going to spend another day in this crap? My husbands daughter is 40 and if the disgusting, lazy, user, loser, rude lesbian dyke ever showed up at my home there would be some fur flyin'! Yep. This is the light at the end of your tunnel if you choose to stay in it. Worse, you become a type of the company you keep. She is your wife's problem. Over time you will lose any emotional attatchment for your spouse due to the everyday aggravation and regret for the situation you are in. Stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself! You are still young enough to have a real and loving relationship with a wife and a child of your own. You have been worn down to the victim mode. This rag you call a stepdaughter is succeeding at wasting your life. Come on, you're gainfully employed. No amount of stuff is worth this crap. Get the joy back in your life!!!!!!!!!!

i, too, feel the same way. and i know that if i ever get divorced and finally get myself free of this demon, i would run through the forest barefoot screaming at the top of my lungs "ding dong the ***** is gone". i would probably just date around and never be in a serious relationship again.

I wonder the exact same thing sometimes. I imagine I would just be free. I would probably be living alone and casually dating. I would have peace and would never dread walking into my own house. I wouldn't feel on edge and tense and sometimes sick on my stomach with stress. I wouldn't have to lock myself im my bedroom because I can't stand the sight of her. At this point it would be a pretty great feeling. I actually fantasize about it quite often. I can really relate to your story. Thanks for sharing.