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What To Do?

Should I leave? Or stay?

I don't like my soon-to-be stepdaughter. She's 10. Fat, lazy, whiney, clingy, know-it-all, sassy, sarcastic brat. Huge daddy's girl; like so much so it almost seems unhealthy. Every other word out of her mouth is "Dad."

She's not bad in the traditional sense. Her grades are okay, she doesn't get into fights, she doesn't swear or scream at us or throw tantrums. But her voice irks me. Her very presence irritates me. I hate the sight of her face.

This brings me guilt, as she's truly not a bad child. And she likes me very much. But the way she's treated her father like a dog since I've been around, her pissy attitude, her seemingly uncontrollable urge to whine about anything and everything that she possibly can, her sarcasm and bossy tone... All these things make me dread her being around.

I've hidden from her more than once. I've either made it a point to not be home when significant othe has her over, or have outright left because of the drama she causes with her mother, or because I just can't bear to hear her beg her father for McDonald's anymore. (Daddy's fault, that-- he gets her pretty much whatever she wants.)

Hubby knows my feelings. It hurts him, as it hurts me. I don't like this situation . He's too noble a man to leave his child, so if it comes to a head one day, I suppose it'll be me that has to leave.

But I'm pregnant. He knows. What would I do then?

School is out. I have to go home soon from working a long night shift and I KNOW she'll be there, complaining that she doesn't have a plate full of bacon to eat for breakfast, or that her room is too hot, or tht she's bored. I'm dreading it. I'll basically just walk in, say hi and retreat to the bedroom for the day. I hate being around her, even seeing her, but I hate hiding from her too because of the drama it creates.

Sigh. What to do?
Milktheostrich Milktheostrich 26-30, F 6 Responses Jun 15, 2012

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Oh God...I KNOW what you are going through. I RAISED my stepdaughter since she was 10 (enduring all of the baby momma drama, lies, trying to come between her dad and me, and back stabbing), then when she turned 18 she moved out WITH her mother (who left all of them for a man she had an affair with). It hurt like I have never been hurt before. If I NEVER see her face again it will be to soon. <br />
Whatever you do, dont leave. You married your husband, not his daughter (I could care less WHAT people say about this). Be very open and honest about your feelings with him. Regardless, he does need to spend time with her, but YOU are not bound to that. Spend time with your friends and/ or parents. The baby WILL calm you down some, as you can stay distracted. INSIST that your husband tell his ex that she needs to butt out, and when his daughter is at your house, it is your rules. He needs to tell her not to call unless it is about things outlined in the divorce papers (pick-up, drop off, medical bills, etc). <br />
As i said...you married HIM, not his kids.

This sounds like my life. I survived my pregnancy plus one year with my baby. I was so unhappy I eventually snapped at a carnival over a crab. You should leave before it gets to that point!

See...how could you ever decide to bring another child into the world with a man you are debating on leaving because you dislike his daughter?...That seems unfair to your new child ..unfair to his daughter, unfair to him and unfair to yourself. If you do not get along with his child then you should have stepped away already ... he is obviously going to choose his child eventually and he should.

It wasn't a planned pregnancy. I don't know what else to tell you.

Find a counselor that will go to bat for you, because it sounds like your husband is a really really bad parent, and you don't want your baby being raised by wife or girlfriend that will equally hate your kid because your husband ruins them. If you have family support and your husband will stay uninvolved, as painful as it is get out and never date a man with kids again. If you think it is awful now, picture every holiday being ruined for the rest of your life, every day being a little bit dismal because it's hard to be who you want and doing what you want when you are consumed by hatred, she will never go away (people with that disposition often end up staying at home well into adulthood), and ba<x>sed on what you describe, you will have to be saint to adjust. You are going to have to really think about what you want, and you are in a really terrible spot. No decision you are going to make is going to be easy. Another option that I hope gains traction is separate adjoined residences. I think most stepfamilies create a false, toxic dynamic. He should feel free to raise his kid how he thinks best, and you and the daughter should not be forced into a relationship that is going to leave both of you damaged. I am really sorry you have to deal with this while you are expecting. To the extent that you are able, focus on all of the things that beautiful and wonderful for you right now, and try not to give too much of yourself to things that will bring you down. Whatever you do, I'm really sorry for your troubles, and I hope everything works out in a way that makes you happy.

I know exactly how you feel. I don't want to go home because she is there. My husband acts like a completely different person when she is around. He treats everyone else here differently. I end up fighting with him and resenting him for bringing her into my home. I want to spend some of my school vacations with just my kids. I can't stand her. I wish she'd find a boyfriend or a job so that I could have the break I need for my emotional well being.

Don't feel guilty about the way you feel. If your soon to be allows his daughter to behave this way and indulges her, it's no wonder you feel the way you do.

I can't help the guilty feelings. And it seems such a drastic decision. Leave because of a kid? Maybe kids don't stay bratty and whiny forever. Let's hope so.