It Isn't Hate... But Rather Pity

This was the only group that closely matched my feelings... but I do not hate my stepdaughter. I don't understand her and I don't know how to cope.

I am not even married to her father yet. The wedding is coming up in April... if it ever happens. My future stepdaughter is 16. It has taken my fiance over a year to repair his relationship with his daughter and things still aren't what they should be. She shows no affection toward him and only responds to him if she needs something (I understand that some of this is due to her being female and 16).

The first time my fiance tried to introduce me to his children it was a very casual setting. We showed up at his son's baseball game and the fiasco began. His daughter started hyperventilating and screaming that she hated him... all while his ex was supporting this behavior. His ex threatened to take his son off the field and leave if he sit beside of me. His ex has influenced their daughter so much.

Since then, we haven't tried anymore to bring his kids around us. His daughter gets angry at him if she sees something of mine at his apartment for example my shoes. Her latest statement to her dad is that when he marries me she will cut him out of her life forever. I can't hate her because she has been conditioned by her mother that her feelings are okay but I don't understand how at 16 you could be so willing to end a relationship with a parent. At 16 I needed both of my parents and he tries every day to show her he is still there for her.

Our wedding day has now become a "death" sentence to my fiance... it means to him starting his life with me and losing his relationship with his daughter. I have always been supportive of his relationship with her and have even offered to help ease her into our lives by actually leaving my own house so she can come over when we are married. Maybe after she sees pictures of herself on our walls she will come around. But all I can say is I feel lost. I feel like I will never get the chance to even talk to her. I don't want to take her mother's place but I want her to know that I love her father and maybe we can at least be respectful of each other. I feel like I'm not asking for much but it seems so unobtainable.

So now it is almost like my fiance is faced with the choice of having to choose between me and her and I hate that she has created this situation for him. Life can seem so unfair at times.
apple29 apple29
3 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Marriage is difficult enough, why make it even harder? RUN NOW, you have a vivid, clear picture of your future, and it/she will only get worse with age. When mothers plant ugly seeds in their daughter's mind and heart, they cripple their daughter for LIFE. And, one day, if ever, when the daughter mentally matures and realizes the hate and disgust her own mother CHOSE to plant in her mind and heart; I would think she'd weep for all she'd lost. But, whew, that's one looooong, drawn out, UGLY :chose better for yourself, for your future, for your future children.

teefour2 is correct on must do therapy now and will have to continue therapy for years after the marriage to make sure its going to work for the long haul. There will be some many life changing things that will come up that if you don't have a good foundation it will tear you all apart, especially with your husband feeling like he will have to chose between his daughter and you. If you have the strength to make it work and go through therapy then stay, if you have reservations about this then unfortunately you probably will have to leave this relationship.

Ruuuuun!!! Run as fast as you can. If you marry him, you will pay for his relationship mistakes for the rest of your life. Run, run, run!!!