Post

My Husband Thinks She's a Princess!

My step-daughter is well-mannered and sweet, but can utilize those fine skills to be very manipulative and get exactly what she wants.  She is very cunning and sneaky and finds creative ways to avoid getting herself into trouble.  She will be 13 in March and refers to people as having "issues" and that they will "get over it" when she does something that is against the rules.  By the way, rules don't apply to her....not according to her!  She recently told her dad that she won't come over if I am at home because I yelled at her.  Yet it is okay for her dad to yell at my children!  I HATE HER!

As you may have noted by the date, this entry had been written several years ago. My husband's daughter never changed. In fact, her behavior escalated. She stole my son's laptop, x-box games, her dad's credit card, her mother's jewelry to pawn and even stole a pistol of her dad's from our home! Sadly, her dad did not hold her accountable or responsible for any of her behaviors. She is now a senior in high school with 4 credits, attending a "second chance" program. Unfortunately, my husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly this past July. I have cut ties with his daughter. The opportunity to finally sever all ties with this young lady , if she deserves to be called that, is the only positive thing that came out of my husband's passing. She caused havoc for the past 9 years, and now that she is just about 18, the man I love is gone from my life forever.
kathie618 kathie618 36-40 30 Responses Aug 7, 2008

Your Response

Cancel

What was her father's response to her saying she's not coming over? Did he put his foot down? Did he demand she change her attitude? Maybe the problem is he feels guilty and therefore let's her get away with things. You should tell him to treat his own as he treats yours, otherwise it's unfair. Let him know he is doing her no favor my not disciplining her and making her be respectful. You need to put your foot down, in private with him, and make sure he understands you're serious.

Feel sorry for u. Why do we have to put up with our partners past mistakes cos a few cells mutated!

My step daughter is the Queen------she has no manners or respect except for myself----but the problem is--Blood is thicker than water...no matter how many times she lies..Hubby is a fool...and he has no clue how much I'm ready to leave!

I feel your pain. I have a 19 yr old stepdaughter who came to live her father, myself and our son who is now 3 when she was 16 because her bio-mom decided she no longer wanted to parent her and at the time 10 yr old brother (who lives with his father). My SD has a strong sense of entitlement. She feels everything should be given to her and does not put in any effort into anything and complains about the bare minimum that she is required to do: keep her bedroom, keep her bathroom and do the dishes daily. She just completed her first semester of community college and failed 3 out of 4 classes. She had no remorse that money was wasted. Since the fall semester ended, she has not tried to get a job or do anything. She gets up in the afternoon, watches TV, and is on her cell phone all day. She does absolutely but live the life of riley. She is supposed to be looking for a job, but that is not produced any results, but she hasn't really tried and/or if we ask, she says yeah just to appease us. Her father and I are generally on the same page regarding that she can no longer continue to be lazy and shiftless but he will not put his foot down and return her to mother who is a complete enabler of her shiftlessness. I'm really started to get tired of the whole thing and of her. I have been in her life since she was 6 and her SM since she was 13, but I am done with the whole. This is just the most recent incident in line with many others that her bio-mom's family called "water under the bridge". At this point I have just decided that I no longer wanted to be bothered. I am just done because this child brings a lot of unrest and tension into my home. My father does get that she has some issues, but does not want her to fall victim to becoming a teen mom, etc etc, but my question is how long am I supposed to put up with this sh!t. She is disrespectful and unappreciative.

I feel your pain I have a stepdaughter from hell, feel free to read my story. Anytime you need someone to talk to drop me a line.

I'm living this now...I have 2 sd (12 & 17), the older one and I get along great...however, the 12 year old is another story. I've tried...she knows she doesn't have to like me, but she does have to respect me. I don't get involved too much in the discipline of her, however, I also don't assist her in anyway anymore either. For example when my older sd wants to do something and dad says no...if I think its reasonable, I will discuss it with him and sometimes we compromise...I don't even attempt to do that with the younger one. I believe that comes with respect...you know do unto others etc. What worries me the most is that no one wants to be around her...including her own sister. I brought 5 kids into this marriage...three are adults and out on their own. I have an 18 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. Both her are very respectful of their "dad"...the 18 year old is extremely close to the 17 year old. It's been a blessing. My son being the only boy is amazingly included in alot of the time they spend together. My 17 sd always says how much she loves her "brother"...then we have this 12 year old who has lied and been so hateful that no one wants to be around her. My daughter likes to spoil her siblings...you know movies,etc. This 12 year old does not even thank her when she takes her. She is very unappreciative...she snaps at everyone. My son saw her crying and asked her if she was ok...like a brother would and she yelled at him...he now is afraid to say anything to her. She pushes people away and then plays the victim. Which her mom encourages cuz no one cares about this poor 12 year old...ugh!! Her Dad listens to me, but I think he gets tired of hearing it. So I stuff a lot and then it builds...I spent 8 hours cleaning her room when she went on vacation this summer with his parents...2 sinkfuls of dishes...10 trash bags of trash...7 loads of laundry...it was disgusting. She was told no more food or drink in the room and it would be clean cuz thats the only thing I ask her to do is do a clean up on Sundays...oh and bring her dirty clothes down on Friday night. The problem is he never checks...so I do and then I get upset cuz its disgusting again. Then she hides things...like her computer and taking food into her room...like I'm not going to find it...then I have to sit and wonder if I should tattle on her (which just puts more strain on the relationship - whatever it is)...or ignore it and hope he sees it...meanwhile I listen to her lie to him about how its clean,etc. etc. And the way she talks to me...leaves me in tears sometimes...she is so good at not doing it in front of her dad...but I don't think he truly understands what she says and does. She has and will do it in front of the older girls, but it isn't their place to call her on it. I'm at a loss...right now I know she is in her trashed room on her computer that she isn't even supposed to be using in her room...because the older girls caught her and mentioned it to me...cuz I'm the only one that will do anything...but do I say something? She has been manipulating him for so long that I think she truly believes that this is the way life works...I'd hate to see the day she does that to someone who won't put up with the bs and catches her doing it. It won't be pretty. Ugh!!!

oh I live that world every day! I have heard my SD normal voice and her "daddy" voice...makes me sick. she knows how to get whatever she wants...whenever she wants it. I just got into it with my BF because he screamed at my kid but the very next day with "baby girl" lied about ME to him...he didn't say ****!

Oh Lord! I can see that this type of situations will never stop. They are so repetitive and some worst that others. It is a real shame to see how men are so easy to manipulate and how little they know about life. I have a 20 yr. old sd and let me tell you it is a nightmare.I thank the Lord she is no longer in my home, but we still pay rent and school. School which she always finds a reason not to go and always blames someone for her falls. She uses the rent and school money to go on vacation in the summer and then is complaining that the school did not accept her registration (hellooo she leaves on vacation without responsibly registering for the fall semester) and then she needs money for both rent and school!! I have been supportive with my husband in the past and somehow I managed to continue to make the paymens, but enough is enough!! I just can't take it. His family talks the worst of me because they don't know anything my husband hides everything from them. She drinks and posts all kinds of pictures in social sites posting herself really bad and he still thinks that "poor thing she does all that because she's been a victim of life!!!! " My position today is 'NO MORE MONEY' if she wants money, she needs to work and demonstrate herself as a person of respect. I had her for 5 years and taught her good, but she was already damaged and would not see the good intentions on my part. Life itself will teach her to appreciate the chances given in life. My advice to you all is back off from these fights due to sd's seriously and try to ignore anything that comes from them. SIMPLY IGNORE THEM. Let the father be the father and if in his eyes their are their princesses they let them deal with their issues! Evaluate your personal relationship with your spouse and define whether this marriage/relationship is truly worth to continue in it. Life is short and at the end we need to live!

Ps, we are a very close family when she's not around, we did talk to her about the abuse, she said sorry and her dad blamed her past boyfriend for influencing her the last visit..

This is similar, but I still need advice. <br />
Married 23yrs ago, his 4yr daughter, my 2 yr son, 5 yrs later we have daughter then son 5 yrs later.<br />
Sd has bipolar mom, who has caused physical and mental damage to me...choking me, spitting, hateful words etc, sd does same through 17 yrs, mosty i blame her mother. Husband has always maintained sd does no wrong, and I couldn't fight back as we could lose custody which I sold all my assets to pay for lawyers. We fought as a couple for years while sd drove wedges between husband and every member of family. My son knew no other father so there was no interference except sd. I have been told numerous hurtful things and at20yrs old I was young and they got to me.when sd moved out,10 yrs ago, we moved also-overseas-we invited her to move too, she was too busy spreading rumours and living with her mom who we protected and made excuses for her behavior to protect sd. My life as a stepmom has included neglect from husband, guilt over son being treated bad, maximum composure while being abused, and guilt as the first daughter I knew and loved for those yrs hated my guts-privately, never in front of her dad. Ripping my heart out after manipulating to gain my trust time and time again...5 yrs passes..in an effort to bring family together again, I paid for tickets for her to come stay with us, husband and I agreed that she should have grown up by 22 and would not manipulate and continue driving wedges. We almost divorced by the end of her visit-him yelling at me and her smirking behind him after tears flowing in front of him. She went back to her mothers and we spent yrs rebuilding again. Now 5yrs later she shows up wanting to be part of our family as she said she can see how happy we are. I am scared of what she does, she says she has changed, husband welcomed her back into our lives again and thinks I am over reacting, I am lost. I feel sick and have diarreah, throwing up and can't sleep as I want my marriage, my family and I feel weak and afraid she will manipulate us again. She has a way of pushing me out of my family and already her dad and I are fighting. I have nothing left to give her, all I have is my family but I want to make my husband happy. I am not sure I am strong enough to endure again. She has not done anything yet, but I am so suspicious that I feel sick. Why can't I just let the past go and give her benefit of the doubt? What can we do if she wants to be part of our lives from now on? My husband is her dad, and he has a right to be happy but I can't bear to be around her. Any help would be appreciated

Girls I am so glad I found you! I do not "hate" my stepdaughter I am just fedup!!! I married her dad 5 years ago and up until about 5 months ago we were sort of ok. Her mother left (due to circumstances) when she was 2. The court gave her and her brother to my husband - sole custody. That should say a lot? My husband were in a few relationships, and amazingly enough, every woman had issues with her. Now every time I try to discipline her and teach her manners she would get aggravated and we will have a HUGE fight because I am bullying her and I am being mean to her. My husband works long hours and then I am the one that needs to take care of her and her brother (by the way she is 14 turning 15 soon and he is 13). My husband also works away quite a lot. I had the stupid idea that I am now her mother (albeit stepmother) and tried and teach her some manners and values. She doesn't want to do anything unless there is some monetary value in it, not even her schoolwork. That to me is disgusting and setting the field for a disaster. She doesn't even want to clean the bath after bathing. When I tried to make a rule who is going to clean the bath it started out a HUGE fight, me not being her mother and not allowed to tell her what to do.<br />
<br />
In april we were on holiday for a week and after only two days in the same house the whole day my husband actually paid them to go somewhere else and do something and just leave us in peace. There were huge fights in not cleaning the bathroom and he actually told them the first time the bath is going to be dirty at home again he is going to put a lock on there and keep it shut for a week so they must then shower. It has now been nine times since them that the bath was not washed and still, no lock.<br />
<br />
Every time I would tell her something like "please go and dry your hair properly" or "please put on shoes (we have tile floors) as you are going to have a painful period she would get aggravated and immediately my husband would attack me and tell me to stop my attitude towards her.<br />
<br />
If I clean the cupboards she will come afterwards and rearrange everything! She will not do anything I ask her or tell her to do and amazingly the times my husband works away we actually have an almost perfect relationship. But as soon as daddy gets home all hell breaks loose.<br />
<br />
He just can't seem to understand that the only problem is her being a teenager and throwing a tantrum because she KNOWS he will come to the rescue and we will have a HUGE fight.<br />
<br />
I am just TIRED, at this stage I am not even sure why I am bothering to try and fix this situation. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I really love him and them, yes, amazingly I actually love her and feel sorry for her. Her mother was (we do not know if she is still alive) a woman with no morals and loved drinking and men. She still has this idea that she is going to find her and that she will tell her she missed her and loves her dearly. It's been 12 years and no effort was made from her side to contact them or even send a birthday card, so I know my poor girl is up for a big hurt but how must I handle this?<br />
<br />
Currently I decided to disengage in everything I am not taking responsibility (I will still be involved in their lives and help them) but I am making my life a living hell in trying to help her and guide her.<br />
<br />
I am now only going to be there.<br />
<br />
I do not know what to do. O yes, I am not able nor will I ever have any children of my own, maybe that could explain the fact that I over tried to be a mother?

while we're on the subject....<br />
yeah my step daughter is a ***** too. basically, i hate her cuz she's in my life, she hates my cuz i'm in hers. i dont want a kid thats not mine, she dont want a mom thats not hers. at the center of this is my husband who wants to have his cake and eat it too. i am so done.......thought it would end when they left home, but no thats when you pay their room, board, and tuition for college, then they graduate.then you pay bills for them and their families a few years…..finally they leave out on their own. less than a couple months later, they're back.........it's worse this time they come back with grand step kids, and there is nothing grand about it let me just tell ya. as soon as my own youngest turns 18 i'm outta here, with most of my life wasted. btw my step kids both alternate coming holidays so one of them is ALWAYS around, makes me want to vomit. their lazy ******* drug addict alcoholic mother keeps posting on facebook to my in-laws pages, she's actually friend-ed more of my in-laws than I have. half of the ones she friends, were born years after the divorce! meanwhile she owes like $90,000 in child support. Oh yeah, and she posts constantly about her kids and how wonderful it is to be their mother. how proud she is of what they've accomplished (on my ******* back!) ***** paid a total of $600. (and that was not voluntary, her wages were garnished) over the 12+ years I raised them, in child support, never did a ******* load of their dirty laundry, never washed one of their dishes. and my SD ***** is always oh mommy i love you, too. n they treat me like ****! ungrateful bastards. They send that ***** mother's day cards, and not me. They tell other relatives, your'e like a mother to me since my real one wasn't around. FML! (no I don't usually cuss in real life, but i do sleep on the couch) I would rather sleep on the couch then in a bed with my husband! Letting all those people **** with me, p.o.s. famous last words of a step-parent........"only a few more years to go", bullshit ..........once your'e in it, you're ******!!!!

I understand... I deal with the same issues. My stepdaughters are 16-18 little girls..according to their father... well they are nothing along those terms!! I have two boys of my own 23-17... very enjoyable... now I have a 1 year son with the girls father. When I told everyone I was prego... (thank god my brother was there) his kids went CRAZY! Literally! It was something you would see in a movie! I am going to be 46... like this is how I wanted to live my life... i raised my children... successfully! Now i have two very evil kids living with me.. and will NEVER accept me or now their new brother... they play their father. When i inform their father of their inappropriate ways... it get the : You just hate them! (what?) I have been hit by their father and screamed at...out of the anger he feels...confused if it is the information that he is getting from me or just plain angry. I have told him don't underestimate your teenagers... it is just what it is....been there done that! His girls are manipulative, liars have stolen from me...caught and still lied about it!!! I am so sick of SORRY, I could PUKE! It happens over and over... his girls needs are met WELL over the family as a whole. My life has been turned updown... nothing of who i was is there anylonger. I am trying to rebuild what I know of the person I once was! I NOW have a little boy to raise alone (again) but been there done that... atleast this time around I know what to do.. mistakes not to make and what to be aware of. These girls are so spoiled it makes me physically ILL. His oldest has a car, lives at home pays for NOTHING. Contributes NOTHING... my son who is less than a year younger.. rides the city bus to school every day... rain or shine. Takes care of himself... and also Helps me with his NEW little brother when i need him ... appointments and such. My oldest 23 yr old will NOT come over ... the girls are irritating to him and he doesn't want to say something that may start trouble for me. <br />
At this point... if feel as if i am in the middle of a vicious circle. I gave up career, friends, social life to be there for my NEW family... took on two teenage girls who are so spoiled to raise because they didnt get along with their mother... well their mom has some real issues, but i am sure the disrespect of her daughters did not make things any eaiser. I have tried everything... been there for everything.. as well as my family. I have unfortunately put my own children second to these girls... buying into there manipulation.... they have everything plus more... more than my children have... cars, cell phones, money to freely spend....pretty much run the home. I feel out of place in a place to where i should feel safe, loved and protected. Every day...it is a fight. I am so tired. I have no more to give... I sleep on the floor of my babies room... I have been removed...my heart is broken to only discover i am being used .... not repected... resentment and not having support from anyone. Lord only knows what is being said behind my back... they have brought alot of drama to my life and have caused many many many family difficuties with my own personal family.. i am alone and wanting out.... i can do this, but not having a career or support...i have to stick it out...until if get my ducks in a row. I told my husband is hard to love someone you have lost repsect for. In him supporting his childrens poor and hurtful behavior...nothing ever resolved...it has been going on for three years now.. it has only gotton WORSE.... I finally....woke up one day....and said time to change things....for ME...and My own children....that means ,,, re-connecting career wise... My own children will be fine...(it is his that will be needing guidance, but it is turned around into me being mean?) I need to create a circle of supportive people...who ever they may be...until then....just keep my peace within myself...ignore the drama and evil ways i live in....until i can get out!!! i know i can do it...but it is sad to think i gave so much to people who i wanted to help have a better loving family life.. only to find they created me into their world of craziness... I am fighting to get back to the person I was when i met them before they TRIED to steal my sunshine within myself. I have up a life... raised my own children... took on these hateful selfish girls who I have cried my last tear for.... To regress 20 years to raise another child on my own. i am 46.... I can only pray my dreams that I choose to give up for these girls and their father... Time will heal my broken heart... teach me to be an AWESOME MOM and enjoy a life with my son. Build new dreams...new life... with new healthy discoverises.... I know i can do it...it isn't going to be easy alone... but with a clear mind and direction I CAN have new DEAMS once again...even at the age of 46! I will enjoy the same things I did long ago with my now grown two boys... building memories...bonds....and joy of life and its surrounding... i can't wait to fish, ride dirt bikes, camping...football...maybe coach soccer again? I am going to keep a bright loving thought of what can be and know that people are people..we can't change them...and if they don't make things easy...or try...or want a loving life...it is time to set them free .... so that I CAN............God Bless those step moms who have given their all to only be left to feel the way that I do....I can only advise to just give your best.. try to love, but NEVER give up who you are to apease those who will only hurt you .... sometimes it is a ugly circle and you don't want or need to be caught in the middle of others drama and hurtful ways... it is up to them to change...and up to you to not be a tool for them to use to take things out on or play mindgames with....You deserve better... know when enough is enough...if you do not have the support of your spouse you have NOTHING.... My situation has gotton beyond family counsoling...according to them...they don't need it? Well then.... let them deal with their own...it wont change... things will only continue to be the way they are and probably get worse. I don't want to be in it anymore! So i am so in a sense.... Signing Off..

From an EX stepchild, Why should you get to yell at her? You're not her parent just to put it simply. If she doesn't want you acting as her parent, then DON'T because it will make her more of a ***** to you. Instead of being a parent, try siding with the father, for example; if he tells her to...take out the trash and she doesn't do it, then say something like "You know, you're father told you to take out the trash and you still haven't done it yet, I don't imagine he'd be very happy". There are ways you can get around this without parenting.

It is not yelling it is my house if your asked to take out the trash you shouldn't have to be reminded, because we all know the child will cry to daddy even after the response you suggested and say step mom is yelling and hates you. I too am a stepdaughter and stopmom I know how the little darlings can be. And if your not a step mom, one day you may become one and I wish you all the luck in the world, may your step kids be pleasant and support of you.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Really? Are you kidding me? As a child, you sound ridiculous telling adults off like that. Its bratty, annoying, know-it-all kids like you that make stepmothers angry. just stop!

I think the best way to solve this problem is to be manipulative back. Dont yell at her that's what she would want so you get into trouble. It's probably a game to her. In order to beat her you have to play the game, if that ,makes sense. I used to play this game a lot. Not to get my stepmom into trouble just to get what I want. I would use reverse psychology and act like her manipulation doesn't bother me. Because then her game won't be as fun.

my sd is now living with her mother for good.. i mean like for life.. im out of misery and my husband and the ex agrees about custody and parenting but for sure she will stay with her forevah!

I know exactly what you are going through. I've had the same problem with my stepdaughter. Her father actually refers to her as his little princess! She has done so much damage to our relationship yet he can't see that, she has done nothing wrong in his eyes. It makes me sick. Although, he bit%#es about MY daughter, who has NEVER disrespected him in any way.

my SD is 15 & 14 but they both talked like 5yo.. i am really annoyed whenever they act like that. and my husband tolerates it.. so this one time, she talks like pretending to be a little girl infront of me while talking to her dad, this is what i said to her with firm & calm voice "how old ar u?" she said "15".. i ask again "oh, 15.. so your wearing bra and tampons? .. do you have hair growing down there and your under arms? " she said "yeah" and she said "so whats the point?" i said "dont talked like a baby coz it does'nt match your age..".. after that incident she never act baby no more. and my husband finally realized shes grown up.. Dang!

I'm glad to hear someone else shares my pain. I am dating a wonderful man. He has 2 daughters, one 19, the other 22. When we first started dating, I thought no problem with the girls. I thought that they were adults, in college, etc. Boy, was I wrong. The 19 yr old is a really good girl. The 22 year old is a pain in the *** brat. She lies, she manipulates, she is high maintenance to the 10th degree. I've noticed that since we have started dating, she demands more time with her "daddy". I'm beginning to tire of the "daddy dates." Especially from a girl that is 22, and should be dating men her age, not hanging out all night with daddy. She can do no wrong. He thinks she is fabulous. Whatever she wants, she gets, money is no ob<x>ject for her (but somehow it is for the 19 yr old--poor thing. He thinks the 22yr old walks on water. ex; "she is such a great driver that she will never get in an accident", "she is a go-getter" (sure she can be when daddy is funding all of her activities), etc. etc. I can't win, and never will. I know I sound selfish, but honestly, isn't it time that she got her own boyfriend? She doesn't even to seem interested in dating, except of course, daddy. He wants to get married, but I am very hesitant. I work hard and I am not interested in funding pampered princess for the rest of her life. I'm scared

I am now 45 and have been changing my views and come to self awarness for the last 5 years people can change and my dads unconditional love brought me through. Strong boundries are good but total advoidence is cruel.

i know exactly what u guys mean<br />
<br />
my stepchild is 6 & her dad thinks everything she does is just precious. rudeness, temper tantrums, asking for money for summer camp (that he's not even legally supposed to pay for). <br />
<br />
she told him to shut up & he laughed. I (who always tell her dad I dont want to discipline her THAT'S HIS JOB) had to tell her "that's not how good girls speak to their father. i thought u told me u wanted to go to heaven" & then she said sorry even though she did it again on another occassion & her father thought it was equally cute. meanwhile if we're arguing & i tell HIM to shut up it's the world's biggest problem!

Cassidayus may I ask are you yourself a Stepmum ????? cos if you are not you should give it a go we are not all terrible and step parenting does definetly not come with an instruction manual thats why this site is here to help those of us need it. It is in no way anything to do with being jealous of a young child but when you enter into marriage with their dads plenty of boundaries should be set for that young lady to find her place within the new family its called ground rules and with respect all new stepmums should feel free to say what they need to say to their new daughters to acheive the new boundaries within the family......

Y'all are terrible. You are a middle aged women and you are jealous of a 12 year old child. Yes children are territorial, but girls are daddy's girls and you don't have a say . He shouldnt yell at your kids and you FOR SURE shouldn't yell at his!

I agree with you ...!!!!!

Fast forward 20 years and you will find yourself with a couple of step kids who cannot keep a job, cannot keep a spouse, cannot keep a house, and always need your resources, time, money, contacts to "make a fresh start"<br />
<br />
Start early yourself and start hard. They are not, nor will they ever be, your family. If they come by, do not answer the door if you are home alone. Let the answering machine roll over when you are home alone and they call. If they give you notice that they are coming by, schedule a conflict. DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT engage them or your husband in any discussions about their behavior. After a couple of decades of watching this loser behavior he will start to wake up and put a little distance between himself and them. <br />
<br />
These kids are permanently damaged by an absentee mom, whether by nature, alcohol, or some other substance abuse or mental illness. At some point, they have to take responsibility for their own lives. By making nice you only hurt yourself. Like the ref tells the boxers in the ring "gentlemen protect yourselves at all times". That is all you can do. You cannot help them and it is not your job. If given the chance, they will tear you limb from limb and fight over the scraps of your flesh. Dont go there.

I want to throw my husband and his princessy passive-aggressive, gossipy, disrespectful ***** daughter out of my house! Thanks for sharing your experience. I am petrified, this little ***** is only 11, God knows what will happen at 13! She is her mother's daughter so she will gossip, backstab and create major drama out of nothing and my husband says "My daughter never lies." WTF!!!! Everybody lies! I have chosen to work nights and weekends (when she visits) so I don't have to deal with her. I feel like a prisoner in my own room. I hate her! I know she's a "child" but she manipulates so well worst than an adult and because she's a "child" she gets away with it. The last time she started drama I told her, "That's why I don't get close to you, you make stuff up to get attention and I don't like you." I feel sorry for the child, she is a product of divorce and a money hungry mother who is always at upscale gyms or Lakers' games trying to find a pro basketball star to take care of her. I don't have children of my own and should have really thought about this before committing. This little girl is so hungry for attention, I'm afraid the first guy who pays her a compliment, she will go for and get pregnant (she already had her period). Oy vey! What to do? When I have tried to give her guidance, direction and showing her how to be more independent (like making scrambled eggs) her mother had a cow. So I can be the maid, cook, driver and nanny but have no say in rules? If I do, I'm the ***** and only have negative things to say about the child. Ladies, we can't win.

Im in the same boat. My SD is 17 and in pitty party heaven.I cant stand her, the thing is her own other left 12 years ago and she has gotten hubby i to the point we cant stand to be around her.Thankgoodness there is a venting place.

ok, so i finally found a place where we can really get acknowledged as step-mothers, my step daughter is filthy, she sleeps with anything, girls included, she lies to me, and manipulates her dad. He went to prison when she was 5, she is 16 now and is living with us because her mom couldn't handle her. I have a 17 year old who just came to live with me, and now everytime i say something about bree to my husband, he finds something to get mad at my daughter for. Is it wrong to give him an ultimatum (sp), either she goes, or i go? actually, i just want to go, i hate her, and i am starting to hate her, she can do whatever she wants, and when he talks to her, its "are you mad honey?" its discusting. I wouldn't want him to ask me to get my daughter out, but he refuses to see anything his daughter does. I wish she would run away, she always threatens to. aaarrrggghhh, i am going nuts!!!!

She sounds just like my SD, and your husband is behaving just like mine when it comes to her. I feel for you. Don't feel bad for wanting her out. Your sanity and happiness is vital to the rest of your family.

Let me just start by saying it doesnt end at age 20. Believe me. I have been in this since she was 12. It has progressively gotten worse in the last two years. My husband had a length dating relationship and did not get married until two years ago. Mainly due to my career. But we lived together for about 4 years total including our marriage. Anyways. My husband and I sold his house after we got married and bought a home together. You would have thought that would have helped but it has not. She thinks even though she never is here that she runs our household. We live less than 2 miles from her mother house (mother lives with her parents with two kids and her sister and one kid) My stepdaughter even though she was technically an adult when we bought the house. We gave her a space a room of her own to paint in her choice of color and also we bought her new bedroom linens of her liking. I wanted her to feel a part of this home that her dad and I were making together. Just like when we got married she was one of my brides maids as well as when I did my dance with my father I had her and my husband dance with us. I wanted her to feel a part of things. I am really new to this whole stepmom thing and wanted to try and be an adult friend to her not a mom. You know have some boundaries but my door to be open if she ever needed advice. She has told my husbands mom that she doesnt come over to the house bc of me and how I dont make her feel welcome. The thing is she only comes when she is in trouble and needs money or she has a fight with her mother. She is not the typical 20 year old in college. She spends all of her time with her mother. Very little with friends. She has two younger siblings from another marriage her mother was in one is a sister who is 12 and the little boy who is 6. She treats the little boy like he belongs to her like she is the mother. I took the morning off from on work one time to take her out to breakfast and spend some time with her. She called me that morning after we set up a time and I explained to her I had to go to work and that I was taking some time in the morning to be with her. She called asking me to meet her later( like two hours later when i had originally told her i needed to be at work) bc she needed to go to her little brother football game. This wasnt the first time that happened. I had had my fill at that point and I told her that it was wrong and rude to cancel like that and how much that hurt me. I was nice but tried to talk to her as an adult would. She told me that her brother was more important than me and if I didnt understand that they have a special relationship then I needed to get over it. Another good example she told her father yesterday she was coming to a family picnic his family was having. Never showed up. She has been home since april from school and we have seen her a total of 3 times maybe and all those was bc she needed something. My husband and his family continue to cater to her but I am the bad guy bc I dont and I call her on her bluff. Like the other night when she over needing something yet again I was polite but I told her long time no see. She immediately got defensive and said she had be working and that she loss her job at a daycare for the summer and lucky her old boss hired her back. I politely said yep you are lucky especially with the job market right now. She continues to disrupt the flow of this household bc of her lack of planning. I cant tell you how many times I have had to have her tag along on a date with her dad and I when we were dating and she was old enough to stay home by herself bc at the last min. she was coming over. I really blame him as much as her. <br />
One time I was drying all of our clothes all three of us were waiting on a pair of jeans out the dryer she went out to the laundry room and got hers and I asked her what about the rest of the clothes and she knew we were waiting on the jeans she told me I am not worried about anybody else only me and my jeans. <br />
I have done the same things work late when I know she is going to be around and I dont have plans with my husband. I dont include her in our trips out of town just like in a few weeks we are taking my niece on a trip and I did not invite her nor did I ask my husband about her going. I am not going to go the extra mile this year to fix a care package for her to go back to school with like I always do like laundry detergent a few gift cards to restaurants and walmart. That sort of thing to send her off and the things my mom and dad for me to make me feel loved. She doesnt do anything to try and make me feel special or welcomed in her life and continues to disrupt my household. I think my husband is finally seeing the light but I have had to allow him the room to find this out on his own. I have had to allow him to be disappointed by her time and time again and not to continue to nag him as he calls it about his kid. <br />
I suffer from codependency and I am involved in alanon and on of the things they say is to disengage from it. I live for me. I have found outings for me like me being involved in a career I have a passion for and then going to the gym which really seems to help me deal with the crap the her or the hubby continue to cause in the home or even his family (his mother). Anyways know you are not alone and its tough. But what has helped me is taking care of me. I go to the gym as an outlet then I go for a pedi every two weeks. Things I didnt do for myself before and it seems to help me so much. When it starts I head for one of those if not something else I am involved in. Life is way too short too put up with childish games and that is all they are doing. Your husbands will eventually see the light or grow tired of the crap their kids start. They have to love them and care for them bc they are their kids but they will be less tolerable to the crap. Mine seems to be doing better each day to it. He doesnt call her every two seconds trying to get her to do things with us. If she is around she is around if not its her loss. We are also not too quick to hand out money for school and things bc she uses us for that but doesnt take time for us. <br />
Just take care of yourselves find something that makes you happy happy and treat the hubby the same way if he is on the wagon with you to go then he is if not its his loss. I left mine a few weeks ago to go out of town when before i would not have gone. He started some sort of crap about my family not liking him and not feeling comfortable about going. So I said okay and I went. Had a blast with them. He really didnt think I would go and I think he realized I am not going to stop living. <br />
Best wishes. I am glad to know I am not alone but I am sorry for your troubles. I will pray for peace for each one of you and your situation.

(I know I'm rambling here, but I had a blowup w/DH last night about stepdaughter and I'm still upset)<br />
<br />
I know how you feel. My DH has 2 daughters and I have 2 sons, all close to each other in age. We can have "discussions" about all of the children except his older daughter. She is smart, pretty and talented. She generally does what she's told. You'd think that I'd have no reason to dislike her - except we really have nothing in common. If I make any demands of her then it causes a problem.<br />
<br />
When DH gets upset with her he takes it out on me. I really wish he'd confront her when he's angry w/her the way he confronts me when he's angry w/her.<br />
<br />
I've tried to back off. I admit that I was complaining about her too much earlier this year. I'm learning to repeat "not my kid", but I feel like I can't say ANYTHING. And last time I checked it was *my* house, not hers.<br />
<br />
She does a lot of "normal" teenage stuff (she's 13) but I'm not allowed to do anything to help correct it because she knows how to manipulate her dad. He doesn't want to see that she manipulates him and if I try to point it out he goes ballistic. She complains about being bored, about how the house is "old" (I bought it, on my own, before we were married), about how she wants to live w/her mom more, about how she wants to kill herself (I only know of 1 occasion she has said that), and starts getting down on herself (yes, she's seeing a therapist). This gets DH in a tailspin - he thinks she's so fragile.<br />
<br />
I basically try to stay at work later and then hide in our bedroom on the nights only his girls are in the house. I'm afraid I'm going to see something I don't care for (like the way his girls talk to him as if they were equals) and won't be able to keep my trap shut.<br />
<br />
I know she annoys him, too. He's told me she does stuff he doesn't agree with (wears her contacts way too much, started wearing mascara before he thought she should, etc), but he won't stand up to her. His excuse is always that she's doing well in school and is well-behaved so he's not going to make an issue of it.<br />
<br />
Just last night she couldn't find her cell phone (again). He was worried that it had ended up in the wash. I merely pointed out that she's a bit of a flake and doesn't seem interested in doing anything about it (if you try to point out that she's done something wrong it's either "oh, i dind't know", or "oh, i forgot", or some other lame excuse as to why it's not her fault - just try and let my older son use that excuse and see what happens). <br />
<br />
Any way, when I made the comment about her being a flake, he blew up. Started yelling at me that I was making him feel like a bad parent and that he was disappointing me - started dragging in something that happened earlier in the night when I asked him if he had talked to her about leaving the t.v. on the night before. <br />
<br />
Long story and hard to explain, but basically I don't want to confront her on anything so I ask him to do it. That makes him upset and he starts asking me why I don't confront her. I won't confront her because whenever I do I'm pretty sure she complains to her dad about how mean I am to her and then he gets angry w/me for getting on her case and asks me to back off. I can't win.<br />
<br />
I hope we get through the next 5 years w/o going insane.

I am hoping this is how to reply - but can I just say hallelujah for your story.<br />
<br />
I feel so much the same, only mine lives with me, and I feel dreadful for it. I'm so pleased to talk to someone who shares the problem.