Feeling Helpless to My Stepdaughter's Cruelty


I am feeling completely helpless to deal with my stepdaughter's cruelty toward me.  Hopefully some of you can offer a few words of advise, or maybe just relate to my dilemma.

I don't have any children of my own, and I am newly married to a man who has two grown daugthers (ages 25 and 27).  The 25-year-old is newly married herself, and there are no problems between she and I.  However, the 27-year-old is a different story altogether. 

She hates me.

She is single and didn't move out of her father's house until she was 26.  She is completely helpless to do anything on her own and calls her father at least 3 times a day asking how to do things such as figure out her student loan statement, cook fish sticks, put anti-virus software on her computer, etc.  She has very few friends, and doesn't date.  My feeling is that she doesn't date because she is a cold and unapproachable *****.

She is jealous of me and resents my intrusion into her life.  Before I came along, the sun rose and set on her, in her father's eyes.  And while he still adores her and still pays plenty of attention to her, I guess it's not enough because she has decided to punish me for my very existence in this world.

She does this by completely ignoring me.  She will not acknowledge my presence when we are in the same room together; she will not answer me when I speak to her; and she looks away if I look at her.  I guess she has decided that if she ignores me, I will go away.

I've tried speaking with her father about this, but he just makes excuses for her.  He says she's just "moody" and a bit "depressed".  

Christmas Eve was a nightmare.  She walked into the house, walked right past me without a single glance or a single word, and then sat on the couch and proceeded to read a book.  When her sister and brother-in-law arrived, she put the book down and talked with them, but continued to ignore me.

She's sullen, moody, cold and ruins every famiily get together we have.  I cannot say anything to her because it would really upset my husband. 

Any suggestions on how to deal with this??





DeserveBetterThanThis DeserveBetterThanThis
31 Responses Dec 25, 2008

My fiancé s 15 year old daughter scratched my face out of a picture of he dad and I. She denied it but even he k own she did it. He didn't even do anything about it because she says she didn't. It's like it's been brushed under the rug. She doesn't speak to me ot look at me. She is always bringing up her mother saying to him oh mom said y'all used to do etc... I am loosing it :( when we got engaged she told him no she wouldn't let it happen. Should I worry she would try to hurt me or something? ? The picture thing has me freaking out.

You could be telling my story. I've known my stepdaughter since she was 4 (she's 20 now), and she was the flower girl at our wedding. There was a wedding picture taken with her, the ring bearer, and me (bride) in the picture that was in a group of pictures sent home with her. When she was around 13 and came to visit us during the summer, I came across that picture, with my face scratched out. She told her dad she was bothered that I confiscated the picture and told him she didn't scratch my face out (lies). I don't know what was going on--either she scratched it out or her hateful mother did and put it in with her stuff. Whatever. Still seems kind of weird that in her few possessions she would have a picture of three of us, with only my face scratched out.

My husband's daughter has wreaked such havoc in our lives and caused so much pain to so many. It stems from her mother. But, also, my husband allowed her daughter to be his wife. Apparently, me coming into his life was viewed as "the mistress." If I could go back, I needed to run. Run, far away. And, never, ever look back. Fortunately, his son is amicable to me and my two children. That's one of the reasons why I stayed, thinking erroneously, she would come around. WRONG!! I wish to leave now but a lot has been invested financially and emotionally. She is about to have her 1st child and refuses to have anything to do with us, because of me. I have been married to her father for 10 years.

Do the same to her. Treat her as if she does not exist. Expect nothing from her and give her nothing.

You people sound disgusting. Put yourselves in someone else's shoes for once instead of being wrapped up in your own problems and insulted by the way others treat you. Maybe if you tried to understand this woman and reach out to her instead of quietly calling her a cold and unapproachable *****, you might get somewhere in life.

I have no idea how you could respond like that. I have an 18 year old step daughter who has only met me about ten times because she refuses to come around. She ran around half naked in front of her dad and acted like a spoiled brat...and then here I am. She has destroyed three other relationships that my new husband has had and is working hard trying to destroy mine (NOT GONNA WORK). She is cold hearted and mean. She is sick in her mind. So my feelings matter just as much as hers. I haven't said anything to her but kiss her a** trying to get her to accept me but it stops TODAY. As we speak she is trying to block me from her life as if I don't exist. I care for others but won't tolerate her behavior and told my husband if it's not addressed soon then we are going to have trouble because he makes the same excuses for her. So feelings.. Yes....I have them too and she is 18 not 5 anymore.

What a strange response?? I am a step-mother who raised a SS and SD from ages 9 and 14 while their own mother paid no child support, stayed stoned and drunk, ran around with one man after the other, and was in and out of jail (mostly for drug/alcohol charges and not paying child support). I stepped in as a young stepmom, only 10 years older than my SD, paid for their clothing, took them to the dentist, doctor, attended all the school teacher meetings and award ceremonies, ran them to their after school activities, helped them with their homework because my husband did not finish HS, washed their clothes, cooked for them, and taught them to cook. I raised these children like my own until they were grown. Even allowed my SD to move back in at 21 for 18 months until she found another roommate when her roommate situation with her mom resulted in constant lines of drugs on the coffee table and SD couldn’t stand it anymore. I have 3 children with my husband, half-siblings to the SKids. Never have I ever offended my stepkids. I gave them motherly advice (same as to my own) and carried out punishments for bad behavior and slack schoolwork, such as no phone for a day or two. My SS was most difficult when he was young, but now treats me with the utmost respect since he is now a father and stepfather. It is my SD who treats me as if I am a nobody. Oh, she is great if I do nothing but watch her two young girls every weekend (which is difficult because I have 3 teen kids all active in extracurricular activities, work FT, run a household, and go to college FT plus my husband works construction and is working most good-weather Saturdays). SD never gives me so much as a card, just lets her 7 year old draw one for me (I do love my SGKs), brings her dad gifts for every occasion (what's worse is calls me to see what he wants), and did not even check to see how I was when I had 2 emergency surgeries for uterine tumors and then 4 years later for gall bladder poising (no visit, no card, no call, didn't even tell her husband I was in the hospital. He apologized when his mother read it on my FB). I was also a stepchild. I am a card person, call on special occasions, shop for all SK and SGK gifts, fix huge meals for B-days and holidays, and always treat SK, their spouses, and kids as my own. I have had 4 stepmothers (my own dad is not a nice man and soon they leave) and a loving and supportive stepdad, who I consider a wonderful father figure. Therefore, I have been in their shoes. I understand merging families takes patience and understanding. What I don’t understand is why SD is so unfeeling to me, yet treats her own mom like a queen. The same mom who was never there for her for 15 years. The same mom who she and her husband don’t let watch their girls unless the mom’s husband is home out of fear of the mom drinking too much. My own daughter, age 14, loves her sister and nieces, but lately has not been going over to their house as much. My daughter told me her half-sister seems to only want her to babysit. My daughter also told me that SD has an issue with me, but doesn’t know what it is. I didn’t ask. Do I want to know, yes. Will I ever ask, no out of respect for my husband, who told SD the last time she asked what gift to bring him, “Bring me the same thing you brought my wife.”

Hey Lolicop, you might want to consider the fact that many of these people have, in fact, reached out to other people for years on end, turned the other cheek, and been repeatedly slapped in the face. There comes a certain point (for step parents its often YEARS down the road), where the lack of reciprocity for their efforts has so exhausted them and so eroded their self esteem that their dignity is at stake. At this point people reach out for help--even blogging on forums like this--to try to figure out how to change things; as a wise source once said, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I don't think you can speak with authority on this subject unless you have been a step parent yourself for a long time; problems like the above are common and the worse they get, the more its like being in an emotionally abusive relationship.



I am from Brazil and I'm going exactly trough the same experiences as you.
I moved in with my fiance last year and we are getting married next year. We are buying a houe together and his daughter lives with us.
She totally ignores me as well, she pretends I am not here.
I have no patience anymore.

This last year was very consuming for me and now I feel I'm so stressed, I am about to explode!

She already did terrible things. She is 18 years old, she misses school 2 or 3 times a week, she doens't work, doesn't help in the house (with dishes or anything), never gave me a compliment about the foodI cook and this is just he beginning.
She bumps into me and doesn't apologize, she recorded my phone call outside the door, she left the house a complete mess when I traveled for a week with her father, even garbage inside the dirty clothes basket I found. now she lies, her dad wants to keep the situation in peace, but it's so frustrating to walk in my own house and say hi to this particular individuo and never get a response. she drives me insane. So all I can say to you is: unfortunatelly they are all the same : (

This is so true...been there, done that. Move one...it will be best in the long run. Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

See my post above. I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man and love my husband, but our life has been so much more than difficult because of his daughter (who is now 39 and still acts bad toward me) and several other family members. I raised my SD. Supported her. Gave her motherly advice. Taught her to cook, clean, and be a confident woman. Her moods toward me vary depending on how much I do for her . . . yet I am never on her mind to check on. Just her dad. Although we made it 25 years (26 1/2 total), I sometimes get so sad from SD's treatment of me (and his other family members that told me, "but (ex-wife) was in our family first and we still consider her family" that I wish I could go back in time and never meet my husband. I don't talk about this with my kids, but they see it. My oldest (son) and youngest (daughter) told me each would never marry a person with an ex and kids. My advice to you . . . think really hard about your future happiness and can you live a life with the constant SD issues. Trust me. It does not go away for long.

Your husband has to tell her to treat you with respect! What is wrong with him? That is your home and she has to respect you no matter what. Your husband is allowing her to treat you this way.....you seriously need to talk with him alone. Tell him your unhappy and if he loves you he will do something about this.

<p>I've been with my partner for five years and we got married at the end of 2012. SD (age 13 just now) has always been little manilpulative but just before we got hitched, she raised the game, Won't acknowldge or talk to me or participate in the home when she comes to stay.</P><br />
<p>When Dad isn't around the way she talks to me is disgusting, if my 8 yr son spoke to my hubby like that, I'd kick his ***! I've tried discussing it, but he just does not see it.</P><br />
<p>I have to be quite schemeful in ways so that I'm not alone with her even to the point of lying and making up excuses to he doesn't leave her with me.</P><br />
<p>Her mum is v bitter about the divorce and willnot acknowldge me in the slightest, although happy to leave her daughter in my care I might add. I wouldn;t mind so much, but SD and I used to get on quite good. Only since our wedding has she changed,</P><br />
<p>Any thoughts or advice ?? Hubby thinks I should sit down and try talking to her but I'm not inclined. I think he needs to.</P>

It's helpful to have read these posts, thank you all for such honesty. I feel between the devil and the deep blue sea. For some time, when my step-kids were much younger, I had to handle my husband's ignoring his mother's rudeness to me. I learned to live w/that by distancing myself from any kind of relationship beyond basic politeness and civility towards his mother. I also made a vow (and kept it) simply never to say anything negative about his mother because it was a futile endeavor; he simply could not see her abuse. Ideally, I'd like to have had a real relationship w/my mother-in-law, but that's not possible.

My son died almost 4 years ago. My heart is broken in the way that all bereaved parents hearts are broken; it's simply the worst loss a parent can experience. After my son died, I asked my 4 young adult step children to please stay in touch - and I told them to not confuse my lack of outreach w/not caring for them, I told them I needed their contact. They didn't contact me. After some time, I was able to have some outreach. I sent e-mails, left some phone messages and had no responses. There is nothing like grief to allow one to prioritize. I stopped trying to reach out to them; I let go of all expectations. Once I did that I realized, over time, that my main function w/them had been to create opportunities for them to spend time w/their father. My job was apparently done. I was sad about the loss, and was able to accept it and let go. In some ways, it was a relief. Like I said, grief does prioritize things differently, and I was not interested in being around their petty grievances and jealousy of me. I'm still not interested.

Meanwhile, my husband managed to ignore their mistreatment of me and morphed it into his usual 'I must have done something to them, blah blah blah'. Just last week I learned that my twin step-daughters have written a book exploiting my son's death and have been showing it to agents for publication. This outrage has been committed w/out any notification to me or permission from me. The book has illustrations of my deceased son, widow and child and a very creepy story line to go w/the illustrations. My daughter-in-law was also not notified - which is even more outrageous.

When my husband refused to get how morally/spiritually outrageous this trespass is, I said that if this couldn't be dealt w/morally, I was fully prepared to deal w/it legally. That did get his attention and he apprised his daughter that she was 'on sensitive ground'. He still defends her actions, saying "she just wants some recognition as an artist!" This, by the way, even in the face of her showing this book for commercial gain w/out notifying her sister, who did the writing for her illustrations. I'm afraid there's a lot of sickness in his family. And it's been sick for a lot longer than I've been a part of it. But this behavior has crossed a line that has caused me grievous offense.

The very thought of getting a divorce is so painful. The anticipatory dread (I already know the pain of divorce) compounds the loss of my son. And yet, how painful is it to live w/this sort of contempt? I've begun to isolate myself - I'm already grieving the end of my marriage. The tragedy is that my husband's enabling of their worst behaviors has led to my decision. I've loved this man but no longer feel any real connection w/him; I've lost respect for him. Another divorce is going to harm his kids far more than it will hurt me. I wish he could recognize that, but I don't think he can.

How long have you been married? I have been with my husband 26 1/2 years (married 25) and have a SD and some of his family members who still treat me like an outsider. I raised his kids (10 and 15 years younger than me) while their mom laid around drunk and stoned, out of their lives for 15 years. Now SD is all about her mom. I think it is because she is a mom now. Although, I have never been anything more to her than someone who cleaned up after her, feed her, provided her with stuff, and now babysit for her. I have often felt as if I could not stay in this relationship any longer because my husband does little (except this latest time time) to stop SD from treating me like a nobody. He did take a stand when she called him to ask what he wanted for father's day (her usual routine is to call me to ask what he wants, yet never acknowledges me on mother's day or birthdays). He told her "get me what you got my wife" so he got nothing. Well, that only seemed to make her ignoring me worse. I have 3 kids with my husband, one with a major medical condition and still in HS. My youngest just started HS and I just can't destroy their world; therefore, I will make the most of it. Try to remember what I married my husband for and reconnect with that.

After 15 yrs, I finally said,"It's her or me." He had a talk with her, she said she would NEVER be part of a step family and would NEVER accept me. He said, essentially, if I am not accepted then he is not accepted. Now, will it last? We shall see.

After hears of dealing with my own jealous spiteful stepdaughter I learned to ignore her. She always wants her dad too herself. She is 19 and just had a baby. I ignore her and her baby and now its killing her that I want nothing to do with her little girl. I also show my husband extra love and kindness in her presence and it really ****** her off. My own silent revenge for years of torture from her. I can't tolerate my husband when it comes to her, but she would never know by the WY I act. Just act like she don't bother you and shower dad with tons of love in front of her .

I am just leaving a marriage of almost 20 years because I was not willing to do what you suggest. I did not want to engage in the type of behavior you are describing. I expected bioDad to deal with his children's inappropriateness but he wouldn't. If you research this issue, most often this is the case. I understood my other option was to "play the game." I am not this type of woman. I tried other tactics (i.e., running errands when SD and SS were there, etc.), but in the end, it's the same ol' crap and I don't want to be part of it anymore. I understand that you have done what you are comfortable with and I am not judging you. I hope the little rat gets the message! In the meantime, more power to you!

I have tolerated a unkind step daughter for over ten years. My advise to you is to have a thick skin. This women will never like you because you exist. You could be mother Teresa and she would not like. Always be kind to her and never give her any ammunition to use against you. Eventually my husband realized what was going on and is angry at his daughter for treating me so poorly. Let it go as much as you can and focuse on the love you have for your husband. In the past ten years my husband have never fought about anything except our children. Now they are mostly adult (one step son left age17) so if they are unkind we just see them less. It is unfortunate but after 10 years I have had to learn to let a lot go to preserve my sanity. Good luck and God Bless

It sounds like your husband is a wise man. I admire him. My ex did nothing and I eventually left as I wanted to be in a healthy environment, even if it meant being alone. It was degrading to me and I couldn't trust my husband to act responsibly.

You are blessed to have a husband that sees the truth. My husband did eventually come around, but it took me standing up for myself after a couple of years of taking verbal abuse from my SD. My husband just couldn't "see" what was making me so upset. I'd always hear things like "Stop taking things so personally" and "You just don't have any callouses built up around this type of stuff like parents of teens do". My husband is a wonderful man, but he had a lot of fear around losing the love of his kids. I guess that's pretty common and I'm even more convinced of it now that I've joined this site. Anyway, I got to the point when I was at my wits end and I Googled "How to deal with adult bullying". (My SD had turned 18 four months before). I explained to my husband that I loved him very much, but I was not going to stand for SD's abuse any longer. The conversation went something like this: "I understand that you love your kids and want the best for them. I admire that and I want you to have the best relationship with your kids that you possibly can, but I think the lines get blurred a bit. I want to be married to you for the rest of my life, but the stress caused by SD to the both of us is inappropriate and uncalled for. I feel like it up to me to protect myself, so I'm looking into legal action. I'm not sure what's available, but I'm going to make some phone calls and see". That did it! He finally made more of an effort to look at what was really going on and that "taking things personally and not having enough callouses" wasn't the truth. He told SD to leave and go live with her mom. He still talks to her and spends time with her when both of their schedules allow. I think it's important that they do.

So, it took LOTS of prayer and patience with him, but life is good :)

What's unfortunate is that when I address the issue of my stepmonster, I mean stepdaughter with my wife, she accuses me of not wanting to make things better. I'm the one who is getting disrespected, ignored, treated horribly, etc. Sadly, she got held back a year in school so I'm stuck with her till she's 19. These next five years cannot go by quick enough. If she were at least civil, it wouldn't bother me but she goes out of her way to make things difficult by not cleaning up after herself, throwing away my mail, playing the helpless victim and so on. I wish I could send her to boarding school, but that is not an option. On a previous post, it mentioned disconnecting and moving on with life. I'm tired of extending the olive branch only to be slapped in the face time and time again with it. As most parents tell their children, "I hope you have kids just like you!", I extend upon my stepdaughter the curse, "I hope she has step children exactly like her".

This is so true, just as you i am torn between going and staying. very sad esp when i have worked my head off for 13yrs to bring her up when her own dad walked out.


Fu Ken ******* that's all I can say, gun them down! Hate my one too

It doesn't matter if she's ignoring you. Step children don't like it when their actual parent has been replaced. It's very obvious. The only thing you can do is reach their hearts. Create that connection that'll make them relive and regain happiness. And, moreover, I have no idea how I ended up here after searching for "I hate it when my printer starts talking" no joke. Hope I helped though.

Doesn't work - that is the point. You can try to reach their hearts for years and years and years. You can sacrifice your self-esteem, spend all your money and time trying to connect in a real way, and cry your eyes out in-between, but if a step-child is determined to reject you, nothing changes. That is why this site is a life-saver for people. We feel less alone, less baffled, and less guilty for a situation that is beyond our ken and control. It DOES matter how that step-child acts -- her step-parent is in pain as a result and is reaching out. I know exactly how she feels. My step-daughter does the same, at best, and posts mean things about me in public forums, which are not true, and it hurts that she spreads her vitriol so thoughtlessly. At this point, I know it isn't my fault, but I still feel bad for me and for my husband in different ways. It is not easy. That is why we are here leaning on one another and learning from one another. I thank all the step-parents who have shared their stories (and the step-daughters who comment and prove our point perfectly). These are the things that help, not this sort of poorly thought-out advice. Don't you think we tried that before coming here?

You are so right. It is not the outpouring of kindness, money, time, attention, compassion, etc. that makes a difference. It is the willingness of the stepkids to see life through the stepparent's eyes . . . and love and respect for their own parent to see them happy. Change only happens from the inside and when it is chosen. We cannot make stepkids love or respect us no matter how we try. It must be their choice. I love my husband and have tired so hard to win the respect and love of the stepkids I raised, but after 26 1/2 years, it is beginning to wear on me.

Thank you Kurious12U!!!! I tried EVERYTHING. I only found this site because I met a man recently (a friend of a friend, not romatic!!!) who told me he has been married for 5 years and his SS attacked him. My SD attacked me under the influence of drugs. We talked and I was curious if there was much written about this phenomena. I found this site and others and although I am leaving the marriage of almost 20 years, I am STILL glad that I found this site. I see SO many things others are experiencing that I experienced and it IS painful because the one person I loved the most in the world, their bioDad, has failed me miserably. I am embarrassed to be going through a divorce but I know that it will be better. I cannot tolerate this situation and now looking back, I realize how hard I tried and how subtle and crazy making it all was... I now have the clarity I need to leave and I am. I will never date a man with children again unless he understands the complexity of blending a family. My soon to be ex always minimized my feelings and emphasized his daughter's feelings so we couldn't even negotiate normal differences. My older SD recently told me that she has always known how to drive a wedge between her Dad and I and that she knew her Dad would never take any action against her. My SD and SS were always covert.

I totally feel for you. It's amazing how many people are going through the exact same thing that I am. My partner's full-grown daughter (she'll be 20 this year) has just about turned my life upside down, and my so-called loving 'partner' refuses to ever defend me from her. She loves to ignore me. All her lame and ridiculous lies and excuses are always believed and accepted by her father. She tells lies about me behind my back to try to get her father angry with me. It hurts all the more because I was/am nothing but kind and generous towards her. She does her best to goad me, and if I dare say or do anything to try to defend myself she points the finger at me. It's a nightmare. If there were any way I could leave and get my own place at this point I would. I would glady give up my partner to have my peace of mind back. I'm so tired of the pain and manipulation.

My god same thing as you say it and i feel like just crying out. If i could too i would walk out. I would also give up my parter. i hope all is well.

After 20 years, I am leaving. I have had it. People told me I would leave when I was ready. I am. I crave serenity and the manipulation and lying is more than I can handle. I do not have any interest in this lifestyle and I stayed because I thought I could change things. I got into counseling 3 years ago and I feel really good about myself, minus the daily ups and downs. I don't need the chaos shared over and over in the posts here. If you have not lived this or seen it, you will find this hard to believe. I do. I am now referring EVErYONE to this site.

I left him over a year ago. It's been very lonely, and I've continued, to no avail, to work things out with him. I was hoping that leaving him would make him realize how ridiculous and immature this has all been, but he continues to hold her on a pedestal so high she seems to transcend any and all human error. As for me, it seems, he can take me or leave me. I still feel ill with heartsickness... He had me heart and soul. =(
So sorry to know, actually, that so many other people are going through this!

I feel so sad for your situation. Although leaving gave SD the open door to manipulate your husband into her way of thinking about you. Not saying that happened, but the opportunity was there. I have been married 25 years (together 26 1/2) raised my SD and SS (10 and 15 years younger than me) with no help or child support from their drunk/druggie mom. My husband never seemed to see the hurt I felt until the past 3 years. Only because I ragged on it and pointed out the hurt put on me every time it happened. I know he loves me and he is not a confrontational type of man, but I honestly do not feel the same love for him as I once did. Let's just say SD (and other family members on his side) has changed me. I was once a happier and much more "sunny" type person. Now I feel hurt by those I tried to please and it wears on me worse each time it happens. I will stay because he does love me and our three children are still at home (2 in HS), but our relationship has taken a toll this past 25 years. God bless you and my you find peace and love.

I also have a step daughter....I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way....it's very hard.

2 More Responses

My fiance's 20 year old daughter has moved in and moved out and moved in and moved out. I have gone out of my way to help her out when she needs me, bought her a car, got her an interview at an airline etc etc etc for the last year. She is moody and takes over the whole house with her things scattered everywhere and the only TV always on whatever she wants to watch. The other day I came home with a carload of groceries (that I bought and she never offers to pay for) and her car was in my way. To her credit, when I finally got all the groceries upstairs, she began helping unload them (huge improvement) but when I asked her to please not park her car there, she shot back at me with both barrels that "she was here first and I'm not her mom and I can't tell her what to do or where to park." I've been treated like this before and tolerated it but this time I stood up for myself and got mad and told her never to speak to me like that again. Her father came home right as this was starting and let it escalate to the point that she began shoving me and I was saying "DO NOT TOUCH ME!!!!" I moved out for about 3 days and apologized for the things I said that I felt were out of line, but she will not accept my apology. When I came back (because I LIVE HERE and she has been using my things, my groceries, my printer, etc etc) she went absolutely ballistic and told her dad to choose. Fortunately, her dad told her that I live here too and that she needs to try to get along, but she decided to move out. What I don't understand is why her father let this get to this point. I've been telling him for months that she treats me differently when we are alone than she does when he is around and he is fully aware that she has been using us just to save money to run off to California to be with her boyfriend. By the way... she moved to Hawaii last time she was pissed at us and who do you think went out and brought her home when she ran out of money and pissed off her room-mate? At this point I am standing my ground that I live here. She is welcome to come back if she can be respectful, but I will not tolerate her disrespect and my solution is to be kind and patient, but to have boundaries and not tolerate disrespect. Next time she disrespects me, if she ever decides to come back (really nice to have no drama at the moment) I will insist that her father sit down with the two of us at the next opportunity to discuss what was said. What is wrong with this generation of entitlement. I'll never see the money for her getaway car.... ha ha. Someday maybe she will see the light, but in the mean time I'm pretty pissed about all the energy I've put into this. Going to try to focus on other things. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TODAY's DISRESPECTFUL YOUNG PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY CAN RUIN SOMEBODY"S LIFE OVER WHERE THEY ARE ALLOWED TO PARK???????? At least we aren't married yet. I'm extending the engagement until I see how this plays out. Now... enough energy put into this! Men, stand up for your wives and stop enabling your little ballerinas to ruin your spouse's life!!!!

You better not do it girl! RUN!

I agree with missanthope. I spent 20 years with 2 SDs. One couldn't stand me before she met me (her words, not mine) and harassed me for YEARS. She attacked me physically when she was on drugs. Buuuutttt, the worst part of it all: her bioDad's reaction! He rewrites reality and allows himself to be manipulated (enough that I now understand that he gets something also from this) and THAT dysfunction informed my decision to leave. I couldn't before. I didn't want to either. Now I do and I can and I will.

hi! after reading the posted item on stepmother stepdaughter stepsons relationship, i felt somehow a big relieve at my present conditions dealing with step family. my husband would not defend me from his children especially his daughter a 27 year old and married, and tries to rule our life. its affecting me to the point i wanted a divorve. now, i will deal with them by ignoring their negative attitude towards me and just focus on my husband. and always seek the intervention of GOD.

I think you hit the nail on the head.... seek the intervention of God, because it will take a freakin' miracle to break this cycle. Also, I think I need to focus on myself and my life and my health. I don't know about all of you, but this is affecting my health and I have to stop letting that happen.

Good luck in ignoring them. I watched my mother do that and she ended up VERY bitter and still is after over 40 years of step-parenting. I thought it would be different for me (actually, I liked their Dad SO much, I didn't think!). But enough is enough is enough. I do not lie or manipulate and I don't like the energy it brings to me. I am done.

I have a stepdaughter who manipulates me at every given moment she has , she is 26 and text my hubby 24/7 she eats at our house 3 times a day and when we eat she is not here he runs food over to her . She live point three blocks away from us at her moms house for free because her mom got remarried and moved 40 minutes away . She is rude and disrespectful to me . My hubby does not see this and continues to defend her . Her latest was walking over my house and tiki bar with her mom and new hubby while I was out . Was this a slap in the face OF COURSE . I really want a divorce but my hubby doesnt think there is anything wrong and sometimes I feel he is blind . Just to let u know he was out there at my tiki bar drinking with them and laughing and i pulled up and all i could here was his ex laughing so I did not even dare go back there so I left for the night , My stepdaughter is more like his wife then I am ...I have been with my hubby for twenty years and it has been this way forever . She will sit across from me and ignore me in my house how rude is that ?

did you leave? I am leaving. It sounds VERY similar. 20 years. SD acting like bioDad's gf. Weird isn't it?

It hurts when you try to be nice to your stepdaughter only to be slapped down.My heart goes out to you....

I treated that girl with nothing but kindess and got the same cruel treatment.Its very upsetting and stressful to hear lie after lie

I am at a loss.Any suggestions?

To the "stepdaughter" who commented that step-parents should be overly nice. I have been there, nicer to my stepdaughter than to my own kids in fact. When her father and she moved in, I was nice but also would not tolerate any disrespect. She is 18 years old and has done numerous things to make me look bad (pretending I locked her out on a freezing cold day for example) and her father can't see the truth....I would never lock anyone out! How awful. We have put her in counseling (after she was arrested) and in self-esteem workshops, I have given her exactly the same things that my other 2 have gotten....but I still get dumped on by her manipulation (in fact she recently left used feminine hygiene products on top of my curling iron--used side down of course), her father takes her side or won't believe things or minimizes them (like she shouldnt have to pay for a new curling iron b/c she says it was an accident)....I'm sorry, but they need to GROW UP! If I dent someone's car accidentally, I still have to pay for it. With family, I would expect someone to say they are sorry (and hopefully have the inner workings to truely mean it). However, they are now in the process of moving out. I can't even live with them while we do some sort of family counseling because I am chronically ill and her "crap" enhances the disease with stress effects......so please, understand, that while there may be many many jerks who have treated some stepdaughters like garbage, there is definitely a reversal (which is my case...and it wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't been basically abandoned by her mother and lives with us 24/7)

I'm so sorry it is painful to be treated that way I know I go thorugh it also.

I'm so sorry it is painful to be treated that way I know I go thorugh it also.

Hi ,<br />
I am new to the site, I have a 22 year old step daughter with a baby, who seeks dads attention all the time, YES she lives with us, and no she does not talk to me she is wrecking my marriage, I feel as if her father is married to her. She texts her father and says I do n't have a baby sitter at the last minute every weekend we do the baby sitting, My husband had a stroke last year and he really cant run after a 2 year old. The girl will not ask me to watch the baby, She has a huge drug history several thousands of dollars spent on her for it, and If it weren't for me the baby would have gone to the state, her mother has little part in her life, and is a peice of ****, my step daughter has been in 14 rehabs, and had several counselors, She runs the show her room is totally gross, she will not talk to me , look at me, and it has me so depressed I don't leave the house anymore. Years of this over and over again and if I say one thing to my husband he flips out on me, There is always a excuse, she was sup. to be saving money and giving it to him, last week her excuse was she was goign to buy all the food for her sons birthday party, What did she do the night prior, she said, can someone help make the food I have to work, she said she was going to clean I knew she was not going to for the birthday party, I cooked and cleaned all day long she b rought home some soda and ice and went upstairs and put a slutty bathing suit top on and a mini skirt and did nothing, to help. In the past the girl has stolen from me right down to my underwear and bra's I have been there to help her buy her c lothing when she lost everything, when on her drug, escapes, when she had the baby she was handcuffed to a bed, she was under arrest for drugs, she was a fugitive for the state of Fl. the list goes on and on, I want her out of her, just today I noticed she is moving her sons things into my spare bedroom, Now she has trashed my other one and the bathroom, You would not believe the trash she leaves all over the place clothes in piles, her car is gross, but I try to ignore it, My husband says she is just her for the sake of the baby whic h I can understand, the babys father is on drugs and not involved. she is able to get food stamps, wic, gas reimbursment for going to the meth clinic and help with child care she does non of it, she tells her father she does but i never see it happen, even when we babysit , she comes home and will text my husband and say the baby is asleep can i go out and then she does not come home until between 1 am -3 am I honestly can't take anym ore, she has been drinking a lot she goes out with guys who have no drivers lic. and what is sending me over the edge now, is the use of the other bedroom, her sneaking boys in at night , drinking, the lies of she saying she has a sitter, then sticks the baby on us, we are supporting her totally the husband has a excuse for it all, and she is going to a meth clinic and I know she would have take homes buy now if she was clean and drug free, I have found needles in her room, and her car in the last 2 months, I don't think I can take anymore, and I don't want to be tied up with her on a family beach vacation, she always starts trouble to bring attention to herself, I feel it is abusive for her father to continue to put me in this situation, over and over again, and let her get away with all she does can't he see she is using him for car insurance, cells phones and a place to live free, while she makes over 100 a night waitressing and brags about it, Please someone shed some light on this, before I lose my mind I already have depression, this is just not good for me. it has 2 end , she also does not know how to cook or clean right, when she does try like once a year and acts like she own the house she walks around in bra's infront of my 15 year old son i think it is wrong???

I feel for you. My step daughter treats me the same way. This has been going on for 5 years. It was a total nightmare when she lived with us. Now that he asked her to move out (she's 24) and she did it is easier. I found that disengaging myself from her and not caring how she acted towards me improved my state of mind. When I know hse is coming over I find somewhere else to go or something to keep me occupied. I have quit trying to have any sort of relationship with her at all and I am much more at peace. She keeps doing things to make me angry, hoping that I will complain to her dad and it will cause us to break up. However she is a little girl playing at being a grown up. She does not understand that I see through her and wil not allow her to manipulate me in anyway.

I'm absolutely befuddled why the actual parent is never able to defend their spouse. It's so incredibly disrespectful to the person you vowed to "love, honor, and cherish". Why even bother to get married if you want to let your kid run your life? My wife is the same way, her daughter will be 17, and for about 2 years I've been counting down until 18 and throwing her *** out, and at this point; I'm not going to make it. The last few days I've been making plans to move out. Then I think "why the hell should I? It's my house". I'm not the problem. Why should I have to be the one to leave, and go through all the packing, moving, mail forwarding, changing my address with every place? While they sit up in my house (yes, "mine", meaning I had it before being married and she's never contributed so much as $1 towards the house, it's upkeep, repairs, improvements, nothing, while working full-time...so right or wrong, I don't consider it "ours") probably hi-fiving each other like they "won" and got over. She can go live with daddy, but it will never happen. My wife will take her side and I'll be wrong no matter what. <BR><BR>Anything I say about things, no matter how polite or legitimate, is treated with hostility and defending her daughter's actions, justifying it as a response to something *I* did, or just flat out ignored. The kid knows it and obviously exploits it, because she knows she can do whatever she wants and mommy will excuse it and believe whatever ridiculous excuse she makes up. They're more to blame in most cases than the kids are, for allowing them to behave that way, and not raising them better. But you'd figure, once a kid reached a certain age they would be able to figure a few things out for themselves or just have common respect, tact, and courtesy. Or just a simple "now that I'm a grown up big girl, I understand that my daddy has his own life and can still love me even though he's remarried and I don't have to feel threatened or unloved. I'll always be his special little ballerina".<BR><BR>There's absolutely no excuse for a 27 year old treating you that way, and (no offense) none for your husband allowing it.

granval, thanks for your words of wisdom. I think there is a lot of truth to what you say.<br />
<br />
stressedoutandsad, I'm so sorry that you're considering divorce over your stepdaughter. My situation isn't that extreme. I adore my husband and wouldn't divorce him over his horrible daughter. <br />
<br />
This is just one of those things in life that I feel I have to learn to live with. When a few days or a weeks go by that I haven't seen the pit-bull, I start to relax and feel better. I just need to find some savvy and diplomatic ways to get around seeing her. I also need to learn how to deal with her rude and offensive behavior toward me without letting it get to me. That's why I posted here...I'm hoping some of you have had similar experiences and have developed really good coping skills that you can share with me. I can't get her out of my life completely, so I have to learn to deal with her without allowing her to stress me out.

I am learning that spending time with those who do love me for me is a great cooping mechanism. I still feel hurt by SD, but plan to start spending lots more time with my and my husband's own kids (21, 17, 14) and my wonderful friends.

I feel im going insane too. my stepdaughter says I wish my dad loved me and cared to talk to me like you do. Thats why she hates me both parents wont give her the time and day and she hates me. I am at the point of seperation or divorce because my husband wont defend me.


She is looking for a reaction so that she can point the finger at you. Avoid being alone with her.Dont confront her, let someone else do that.<br />
Eventually she will tire of making herself look like pratt and I would suspect both her sibling and her father will get fed up with her behaviour and put her straight.<br />
Kind regards