Need to Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeent...

Hi...I'm new to this, so bear with me.

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years.  He has a 12 year old daughter and together we have a 2 girls...6 and 3.  His daughter and I do NOT get along, obviously.  She seems to think she runs the show. Thankfully, she lives almost 2 hours away, so we truly only have her every other weekend. 

She's a very smart girl, very pretty and CAN be the sweetest thing ever.  When it'll get her something.  She has NO respect for me, she treats me horribly and talks to me as if I am a peer of hers.  I'll admit, I absolutely have lost my temper when I'm getting her attitude and said some things and reacted in some ways I shouldn't have. I've never hit her, or locked her in her room or anything like that, I just shout a lot when I'm really mad about something.  Which, is every time she's at our house.  She will snuggle on and lay with her dad and make him believe she's the cutest, sweetest, most innocent thing ever, and then turn around and post things on her myspace page like "**** you *****, he's my man".  Yes...her myspace page.  In which she claims to be 18 years old, going under a false name and wearing 10 pounds of make-up and hooker outfits.  It worries me that she's got this page up and anyone can see it at any time.  She got in trouble last summer for having one in which she said she was 16, but the only thing her mother did was make her delete it.  Her mother does not supervise her at all, hense the reason she has a new page that she's on for 2-3 hours every night.  My husband feels we can use this as a tool to monitor her, but even though we've been monitoring it...he won't do anything about what he sees on it.  His daughter has no idea we know about it and look at it regularly.   

We've butt heads before because of all the make-up she wears (my husband doesn't let her wear any at our house, but she always shows up with it on) and the clothing she has on.  She wears 2 inch thick padded bras to make it look like she has breasts, and even worse, cleavage.  She wears pants as tight as she can get them, and while she's by no means obese she should not be wearing form fitting clothing.  She's 12...I don't want to see her butt crack or her cleavage all day long. 

It's just one battle after another with her...and it got worse last weekend.  She showed up with the last 2 inches of her blonde hair dyed bright pink.  Permanently dyed.  It looks awful...but her mom told her she could do it!  And what can or will my husband do about it?  Nothing.  He told her he didn't want her to do it when she joked about it a month or so ago, he told her he would be disappointed, but it didn't matter.  She has no respect, she doesn't listen, she is rude and nasty and vulgar, she's two completely different people.  She's, what I believe to be the REAL girl most of the time, and an angel who can do no wrong when her dad's around.  

I can't talk to my husband anymore, he just doesn't see it and all it does is cause a strain on our relationship when I get frustrated or try to talk to him about how I'm feeling.  But I have no one to vent to!!!  I've tried the "kill her with kindness" bit and that made things even worse.  It just upset me even more when she was still overly rude and disrespectful, even with the efforts I was honestly making.  I can't do anything for this girl...this 12 year old going on 18 year old girl who hates me.   

ataloss ataloss
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 9, 2009

Mommagee, how wise of you! It sounds like Ataloss, you are really struggling and the whole experience could bring you down if you don't change something. I have strong feelings of 'intense dislike' for one of my stepdaughters. Her way of being is a dark cloud over our family and we are now bringing in outside help because my husband and I have run out of personal resources to cope with her nastiness (let alone everything else I wont go into here). good luck with your family and take real good care of yourself.

I feel for you, my step daughter moved in FULL TIME with us when she was 12 and was the EXACT same way. I made lots of mistakes and its taken 4 years to learn this... 1. dont be her friend 2. DO NOT look at her myspace page 3. When she comes on weekends, make you and your kids scarce and unavailble. Make plans, go to a park, whatever...believe me, he will notice that way before he hears what you have already said. Say nothing negative about her to him and if he asks you what he should do about her in any given situation, blow it off and say " I dont know but if it was (your childs name) I would..." than literally walk away. If he pushes it and wants to hear what you have to say, remember less is more. Just say, she's not mine so it really doesnt matter what I think. Enjoy your children and ignore the "daddy's little girl act" because I will bet you anything she does that because of you and if YOU are not around to see her do it, she wont and your hubby WILL notice. When you do have to interact, be pleasant, answer her questions, dont laugh at things if they are not funny, be you. I promise it will pay off.

Your last statment in your story is this girl is 12 going on 18yrs who hates you. But you stated you hate her from the git go. I know I am not you and it must be tough being the step mom. But maybe you could look at it from her views. Shes 12yrs old and hormonal. You know as a child I had a step mom I couldn't stand. But now years later I have realized that she loved me very much. I just couldn't see it. It sounds like this girl is looking for neagitive attention because she has learned that it is better than none at all. You only have her every other weekend and her mom has her the rest of the time. She prob is a go between. Between her mom and dad. You have two kids with her dad so she is was a only child with her dad and then you came into the picture took her dad and now you have two kids with him and she only gets to be around every other weekend. So she might be jealous. Try your best to keep your cool around her. That might be better than yelling because it sounds like its not working. Maybe sit down with her and her dad and set some rules up. I'm sorry your husband is not being more supportive with you and her. Maybe he feels gulity for the time he doesn't get with his daughter and he see it like your kids that you have together gets his attention all the time. If he doesn't want to talk then you might have to say you need to see a marriage counseling or something. Hang in there and I hope things start to go better. I'm sure in the years to come she will change. You gotta remember these young girls have so much more on there plates then we did and without a solid structed home and values being taught you are in for allot more than you bargined for. x

don't try to dicipline her thats your husbands job <br />
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don't worry about the hair it will grow out its origanal color eventually <br />
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someone should do something about the myspace page but again thats her parents job <br />
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of course she doesn't like you <br />
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try getting to know her befreind her get to know her