Step-daughter Turning Life Upside Down

I have been married to my husband for 12 years and he has a 16 year old daughter from his previous marriage.  She has lived with her mom all her lofe but recently her mom threw her out because she is tired of her absusive and destructive behavior.  Now it is our turn to pick the pieces up and try to paste together the child that the mother destroyed.  This child has turend our house upside down.  She verbally abuses me, her dad and younger siblings.  We had to remove her bedroom door because she was damaging it by slamming it so hard.  She beat the walls with her head.  This is the most self centered child I have ever been around.  My husband has been layed off and we have told her that things are tight and as a family we have to make sacrifices but she feels that all should sacrifice even more in her behalf.  Despite saying it wouldn't be fair if she had to sacrifice for others.  Everything is the other persons fault, even her own actions are their fault.  She was caught shoplifting at her moms but it was the other girls fault despite the items being in her bag and in her pocket.  Situation that generally pass over with a typical child with a sorry or time out end up being hours of tantrums and drama.  She deliberately gets up late, missing the school bus, so we have to drive her.  She will not help around the house but expects money to be handed to her because she is good for a thrity minute period of time.  She calls me psycho. and says that my boys all need to be commited because their heads are not right.  She tells all of us that she hates us, has never loved us and that we do nothing or buy nothing for her.  Nevermind that she has not had to spend a dime of her own while under our roof and we went out and bought her a $300. armoir for her room.  Our food bill has more then doubled because she eats whatever and as often as she wants.  She will even sneak into the cabinets during night and fill her purse with food.  She has never worked a day in her life and has never had to be responsible for any of her "wants."  Wants that she insist are needs.  She wants to join the cheer team, which will cost us $800.00.  She wants private dance lessons, a car, a cell phone, new clothes weekly, expensive make-up, etc.  So we told her no, no, no.  We told her she needed to start learning responsibility by getting a job and paying for some of her own things.  She dragged her feet, so I went to the local dance studio asked the gal if she was looking for help that could be traded for lessons.  But better yet it turned into a paying job for my step daughter.  With siblings she is aweful, she chases them around swinging her fist at them or kicking at them and laughs when they cry.  At her moms house she chased her brother around with a butcher knive.  Sometimes I think this girl is flat out crazy.  She tries very hard to split my husband and myself.  Tells him that I lie to get her in trouble or that I always take the side of my boys over her.  I have even recorded one of her fits and she still insisted I lied and when the recording was played she insisted it made it sound worse then what is really was.  We had her last summer and I got a little taste of her behavior.  She acts like a five year old.  She has a hard time joining into family fun.  Kids are all out playing on the trampoline, things are pieceful and all I hear is laughing, enters my step daughter and it goes crazy.  She is kicking at the kids, refusing to listen to their request for them to stop.  They get out and go swing, she follows.  She sits in a swing next to them and purposely swings into them.  They retaliate and she runs in telling.  When I tell her I saw it all she is furious because I tell her she got what she deserved.  But I call the boys in and ask them what they did that was wrong they clearly state how they could have handled it differently and quielty go to their rooms for a time out.  Her on the other hand, completely off the rocker.  Screaming and yelling at me that I let them get away with murder and that I was coming down harder on her then them, when I hadn't even spoken to her.  She then walks away from me and as a follow she slams a door in my face.  I tellher it is clear she is not in the space to have a rational conversation so she can go to her room until she is.  She goes to her room slams her bedroom door over and over.  When I tell her to stop she slams it again and again.  I then tell her if she is going to be distructive she can sit out on the bench porch until her dad gets home.  So she goes outside and I lock the door.  She begins ringing the doorbell repeatidly until I open the door and direct her to a chair in the backyard.  She slides the chair up to the door and begins beating a toy into the glass door over and over.  At that point I call her dad and tell him he needs to return home.  He talks to her on the phone and she tells him that I am lying and twisting things to make her look bad.  She then hands me the phone and walks by me, giving me a good shoulder into the arm as she passes. When I hand up she start yelling about how much she hates me and that she has nevered liked it at our house and that her dad was the worse dad ever, her step dad was more of a real dad then he has ever been,etc.  Dad gets home she denies everything.  After listening to the recording I make she still denies it and wont take responsiblity.  So we ground her.  That night we tell her that dad and I have to go shopping and she is not allowed out of her room, her room is downstairs.  We told her the boys would be upstairs and not allowed to go down.  Five minutes into shopping we getting a phone call from on of the boys and we can hear Savannah screaming in the background.  She was upstairs and had ran at run of the boys with her hand up like she was going to strike him and then slammed the other up against the wall to pry the key out if his hand to our bedroom, she wanted the phone to call her mom.  We rush home and she denies everything.  The son she slammed into the wall and slammed in a door has red marks inhis rib area and his elbow is red and swallon.  The next day huge bruises apear.  It just goes on and on.  I think she is bi-polar as most of the females are from her mothers side.  But hte kicker is the state law.  She refuses help and the law states that anyone over 13 years of age can not be forced into counseling or mental health help.  So what do we do?  Kick her out like her mom or spend a lot of money that we do not have to request that a judge make the decision that we as parents should have the right to make, to order into psychiatric evluation.  But yet if this child goes out into society and does something wrong we as parents are the ones that will be held financially responsible.  Where are our rights to parent and why are children being allowed to make decisions that should be left to an adult.  Crazy, crazy, crazy.

my5boyz my5boyz
36-40, F
3 Responses Feb 19, 2010

"I don't think she is capable of loving anyone. Even with her dad hugs are very superficial. She thinks love is money and money is not something we are just going to hand out to her like her mom did. So she can go on thinking we don't love her every time we don't hand her what she wants."<br />
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That's not it at all. Everything she is doing is a defense mechanism. <br />
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She loves her dad, always had. The reason she is trying to break you and her dad up is because of that, she wants him all to herself. She despises you and the kids because of that reason; she is jealous. She is disrespectful and tells her dad those things about him because she "hates" him, wants to get him to know her pain of living without a father. If she liked her SF or mom so much she wouldn't be in this situation. She is just using that to dig deeper into dads guilt that he hasn't been there for her, and she knows it. Eventually it may work, and dad will leave you for her, which is what she wants. Its not something that will go away(people in their 40's have been known to act this way if it doesn't get resolved earlier), so counseling is advised.<br />
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Really, its at the point where she wont be happy unless your gone. And then it will be a forever rollercoaster where the father has to be single his whole life because she will start it up again. This is why divorce really screws alot of kids up.....its not ENTIRELY her fault why she is this way. I feel really sorry for her. She is invested so much into her father that she will likely not have good future relationships with men because of it. And she WILL start using her kids as a way to drive a deeper wedge between you and him if you are together still. <br />
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Trust me, this is the MOST improtant thing to her. Because she felt she wasn't loved unconditionally by her father at a younger age, she will do anything to get that no matter how old she is, caring not about her other relationships. Everything will be second compared to this. Its very much like a child.

No, it isn't that way. She is completely un approachable and you can not force a child thirteen and older into counseling, it is the law. My husband does not view it any differently. In fact, he wants her gone, despite it being his child. She is just as aweful to him. Telling him her step father is more of a father. She states to him that she hates him and has never loved him and that he should get the clue since she has never chosen to live with him over the past sixteen years. She verbally dares and tried to bulley my husband into smacking her. She even took a swing at him when he went in to stop her from punch a hole through our wall. He is in a bad situation. Over the past 16 years he has not had a single say in her upbringing and all his concerns have been dismissed. He has always said his worst fear and nightmare is what we are living now. Her mother completely screws her up and then expects him do undo the damage.<br />
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There is no calmly sitting down with her. She does not allow for that. We even walk away everytime she tries to get it heated, stated we will only talk calmly and when she is ready for that we will try again. She then ups it and begans damaging things are verbally attacks our younger kids. Things you can not just walk away from. It is like we are dealing with a five year old but in a 16 year old body.<br />
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Talk about body, the clothing and the sexual message she gives out makes us wants to climb a wall. No matter what rules we place we still find her coming home in clothing that shows more then anyone should see. She is use to the city girl life and know is in the county. People here have high morals and values. None of which her mom has instilled in her. Just the other day she came home saying the girls in PE asked her where her ******** pole is. Instead of feeling bad about it she took it as, "they are just jeolous of me. When we go to our sons rodeo she dresses like a street walker and everyones head makes that double take. She couldn't even stand up from a sitting position without exposing everything. But she thinks everyone is again looking at her because they are Jealous. I tried to tellher over and over the true reason they all look and stare, but she doesn't get it. I have had it with some of the clothing and it will be getting thrown at or needs to go her moms and be worn there. It is embarassing and humiliating. <br />
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Overall she has no respect for any adult. She is the type of kid that passing on the sidewalk will not move aside for an adult, Instead she will lower her shoulder and brace for impact. Her attitude i will not move for anyone.<br />
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She is completely unreasonible and my husband fear beyond any help. Her mom, aunts and cousins have all ended up in Psych. wards and I think that is were she will be heading.<br />
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She steals, has been picked up for shop lifting, nother fault, she lies, she verbally abuses people and she bulleys her younger siblings for entertainment.<br />
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She is the most self-centered person I have ever met. I was sick for weeks. Finally I decided to go into the doctor because I was dizzy and having aweful pain at the base of my neck. I told her that I could not come for lunch at school that day and why. She did not care or show any concern for me. All she was worried about was how it was going to affect her. She yelled at me to change my appointment time and told me I was selfish for spending money on a doctors appointment. When I asked her if I didn't go and dropped dead how would that make her feel, she says, "how much is in your life insurance policy I am sure we could a bigger house then." We live in a 3,000 sq feet house that he built and customized ourself two years ago. Hard to believe that I have been around this child since she was pooping in diapers.<br />
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I don't think she is capable of loving anyone. Even with her dad hugs are very superficial. She thinks love is money and money is not something we are just going to hand out to her like her mom did. So she can go on thinking we don't love her everytime we don't hand her what she wants.<br />
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I am just counting the next two years away and then she can have her walking papers.<br />
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I am done!

wow,<br />
this sounds like my cousin and her stepmoms situation<br />
as much as i love my cousin my aunt was in the right to<br />
try and discipline her...she got way too out of control<br />
so my aunt just stopped, but that was the complete opposite<br />
of what she shouldve done.,.now my cousin is on drugs<br />
and works at a ***** club in north carolina<br />
i completely understand the "hate" and aggrevation that<br />
you have had with her but that is your husbands daughter<br />
and no matter how mean,moody, and just down right bitchy she is<br />
he probably looks at the situation in a different view.,.there are <br />
ways to deal with this: counselling.,.(if ya cant afford it try your<br />
pastor or the head of your choice of church) or just sit<br />
down and try and have a calm discussion about everything<br />
try to do more girl things with her (as much as you hate her she's<br />
in your life as long as your husband is) its just best to atleast try to get<br />
along.,.if she withdraws from you make smaller approaches like asking if<br />
she wants to rent a movie or soemthing like that or make her favorite food<br />
but dont give up,stick to your guns, there is still hope