Not Sure If I Can Say I Hate Her....i'm Just Frustrated And Want To Pull My Hair Out!

So, I meet a man, fall in love, he has a daughter, she's just over 2yrs old. I am fine with that! We date, he proposes, we move it, and get married. During this time, I make sure that my SD knows I am NOT replacing her mom, and am here as a friend! From the beginning, she shows resentment of me from the way she looks at me, and gets between her father and I! I say, fair enough, she's a baby still, really, and doesn't understand, so  I keep myself open to her, and just let her come to me! As she grows, we get closer, enjoying a general friendship, I introduce her to things she was never introduced to by her mom or dad, swimming, library, play groups, etc, etc etc.

 We get along well enough, but there is always that lingering resentment, at least thats how I feel. She is spoiled rotten by her father and mother, which I have never agreed with. This child never got her teeth brushed until I forced it, she had rotten teeth in her head, and it was so discusting, I couldn't believe the lack of parenting by both. Slowly, we get the SD more and more as the so called mother goes out partying, with friends, etc. This eventually turns out to be 'business' trips and eventually we have the SD full time, as the mother moves out of the region. We then find out that the mother is a prostitute! NICE! The daughter worships the ground her mother walks on, and thinks she's the best because this said mother buys her all the things she wants including a cell phone with unlimited text msging, where she now msgs back and forth with her mom all day everyday. SD is now 11, going on 12, and treating me like dirt. I'm good enough to help with homework, volunteer at school events, supplying baked goods etc. To top it all off, her father, my husband has been unemployed since last summer, this being the second time in our relationship he has been in this situation. I work full time, my  toddler son is home with him, he's a pretty good dad. However, with the lack of work, he has become deeply depressed, and stressed out so doesn't do much of anything with either of the kids. The SD lavishes the love and affection on Dad, ignoring my presents until Dad gives her heck for doing something she shouldn't.

 We have no money, and struggle to pay rent and bills and keep food on the table, she sits back whining about how she wants to go shopping with her friends and have all the name brand stuff, etc, etc, etc. It so sucks, she msg's her mom telling her she wants gucci wallet, or an Ed Hardy purse, or hoodie, so Mommy dearest goes out and buys it with her hoaring money, it makes me sick!

 And SD is "oh mom, your the best mom in the world, I love you so much!" What the HE...??? What about me? I work my butt off, am there always providing the roof over her head, the food, etc. I am so frustrated and just need to vent.

I really understand that she is most likely dealing with abandonment issues, but why wouldn't she be mad at her mom for not being there? And be more receptive to me? I guess maybe she resents me, I'm here and her mom isn't? I don't know, its so frustrating! Her moods are worse than mine!

These are my thoughts and feelings!

AlwaystheGiver AlwaystheGiver
2 Responses Mar 4, 2010

Here's one explanation for why so many children direct so much hostility at their stepmothers:

When you're a kid it's complicated to get angry at your Mom, it's complicated to get angry at your Dad, but it's not complicated AT ALL to get angry at your stepmother. Hard to admit this, but from a child's point of view us stepmothers are the simplest and most convenient target.

You know you are making the best of it! IT is much easier to blame you than her mother; so she does. She knows you will always be there for her, but obviously not her mother. She loves you even if she acts like she doesn't. Honestly any girl at her age hates their mother so I say you are doing right! Just keep on loving her unconditonaly and continue to show her what a real loving mother is!