I Hate My Stepson And My Feelings For My Husband Are Almost Gone

Married when step son was 9.  Step hated me from the moment I appeared.  Dad can't discipline child, due to guilt???   Step went to stay with mom from 13-15.  Came back bigger and more pissed.  Stayed about a year and moved in with grandma so she could commiserate with him on how evil I was.  Hm, never yelled at him, hit him or mistreated him in any way.  Step married and years went by.  Drugs and drinking, wife threw him out.  Rehab.  Back to wife, then back to drugs and drinking.  Wife thru him out THEN he lost his job.  34 yrs. old and moved in with grandma.  Now he constantly calls and leaves rude comments on machine.  Always asking for money  but doesn't pay back.  Will sit in our drive and call our phone until daddy runs out to talk to him.  Drama, spewing nastiness, whining ball of uselessness!    We haven't had a moments peace since Nov. 2008.  He loves to cause problems between me and his dad.  We've been in therapy since last June, not helping much.  My hubby's emotions are so tied to him I feel like the other woman.  He lets him jerk him around and treat me rudely.  We had company on Sunday and he started calling.  Hubby asked me not to answer.  Finally couldn't take the ringing anymore and politely told him we were eating and had company and dad would call him back later.  Silence  I said his name and he hung up on me (not the first time).  Then proceeds to call and call until daddy answered and told the Prince he'd call him later.  Then dad stays mad at me all day because I answered the phone.  I think I should be able to answer my own damn phone!  It's like being held hostage by a 4 year old.    I wish my hubby would get a spine and kick the Prince in the butt.  I've spent years trying to be the understanding spouse and stepmom.  I have run out of patience and kindness  Never once have I  felt mean, been mean or vindictive towards the step.  Now though, I absolutely hate the step with a rage that scares me.  I'm worried I'm going to lose it and lower myself to his sorry level.  I think this is the end of my marriage.  Thanks to everyone for their stories, I now realize I'm not alone and you can't have functional if you are dealing with severe dysfunction.  Even though my hubby says if I'll just stay out of the way and keep my mouth shut and let them do the "sick dance" everything will be fine, I can now shout, "It's not my fault!"  and "I don't have to participate!"
quilty55 quilty55
20 Responses Mar 15, 2011

I feel the same somewhat. But now I see there may not be any hope. I recently married into a blended family. The mother hates me due to her not being over my husband. My step son is 5. He has had a traumatic upbringing since their split in 2011. I've even put this child's needs infront of my own two due to his exposure to things a child should not be exposed to. Not to mention molestation by the mother's brother (uncle). My step son recently told my husband I was bad mouthing the mother to him. In the two years of our relationship and 6 months of our marriage I have never done such a thing. Why did my step son feel this urge? My husband believes his son over me. Due to the fact that I share the hatred she has for me to her. But I would never bad mouth her infront of her child, especially if I haven't done it in the past two years of being around this kid. Why start now? I feel like due to the mother's ways of manipulations and lying to the point of her believing her own lies it is teaching the son this. My husband tends to baby his only 5 yr old child and son. Whenever my step son wants something from his dad he always calls him "dadda".. "dadda will you play with me?" "dadda, I had a bad dream can I sleep with you, dadda" It cute the first 5 times. Not these last 500 times.

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I stumbled across this site, while googling, 'dealing with a step son who hates me '. And, I am amazed, that so many of these stories are my own! I have only confided my true feelings, to best friend of 30 years, because I am ashamed of how I feel, and I am guilt ridden, thinking that, maybe I am the problem; and worry that people will label me, 'evil stepmother'. My story begins like this: my husband used to have weekend visitation with 'Peter', (that is when his ex wife wasn't throwing a fit, cussing and screaming, about a pair of socks that wasn't returned) she would withhold Peter from him, like she he was a pawn for revenge. Peter actually loved me, he would visit with me and my 2 children (from a previous marriage) when his father was out of town and when his mother needed a babysitter. We had a wonderful relationship! We knew his mother was on drugs, but we could never prove it. When Peter was 9, we got a phone call that Peter was removed from her home, and was in the hands of the child protective services, we immediately picked him up. We were given full custody. God! I had such high hopes! We were going to be one big happy family! His grades went from straight f's to straight a's, we bought him an entire new wardrobe, have him a bedroom filled with new furnishings, tv, games etc. he was so proud! He told me, 'he had never had a room as cool as this!' I bought him new shoes, he was so in awe, that he kept staring at his feet, and said proudly, "I can't quit looking at my feet!" I started noticing problems about 2-3 months of him living with us.....

One night he knocked out his own tooth and claimed it fell out. He would constantly lie. He refused to help with chores. He constantly picked at my children. His grades started slipping. Homework stopped. Calls from his school about bad behaviors started. (I got 2 calls, from 2 different teachers in the same day!). So it was counseling time! I thought he should have been in counseling from the beginning, just because of what he had gone through with his mother, but his dad, my husband, thought it was unnecessary. But, it had gotten so bad, I put my foot down. Keep in mind, I am a housewife, my husband is the bread winner, so the majority of discipline, and parenting was on my shoulders. Counseling made him worse. He hated me for 'making' him go. In my heart, this is when I believed he turned on me. He was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, PTSD, he was on the borderline of bi polar, and showed signs of type 2 depression. He was given medication. Medication that he refused to take, if we made him, he would gag himself, or spit it out all the while throwing a temper tantrum. Finally, the counselor said, that counseling was 'unproductive' so we should hold off for a bit, since he seemed to get worse after the sessions. We put up with all of this bad behavior, him cussing me, threatening me, telling other people (his mothers family and my husbands family) that I was abusive and neglectful. Which caused problems with our in laws. He would tell me that my husband was talking bad about me, and wanted to divorce me, and the same was said to my husband. He would constantly tell lies to each of us, to start an argument. Constantly, 'I hate you, you're not my mom', 'I don't have to listen to you'. He was lashing out at teachers, bus drivers and neighbors, cussing them. But to my husbands or his mothers family, he turned on the charm, and acted as if he was an angel!

Then we got a phone call that they found his mother dead of a drug overdose when he was in the 7th grade....and dear god! It was even worse! He started taking drugs, drinking, telling us 'F*** you! I don't have to mow or do S*** around here!"...he would run away if we punished him, (by the way, only once was he spanked, when we caught him looking at **** in the sixth grade and once, he gotten nose to nose with me, called me a F****** b**** and I smacked him the mouth, he was almost 6 foot by the time he was in the 8th grade, and I am 5'2). He ran away twice to his mothers sisters house, and both times, she threw him out for the same behaviors. His first car, he had it for 2 weeks and only had his liscense for a month, he left here on Tuesday evening, refused to tell me where he was going, hours later he's high on Xanax and drunk, and ran his car into a ravine. (To which he told my husbands family he was the victim of a hit and run, and I unfairly took his car from him! Completely leaving out the fact he was high and drunk!)

A couple of weeks after he turned 18, still mad because he no longer had a car, he left in the middle night and went to go live with his grandmother. Who bought him another car, babied him, and supplied him with alcohol, Xanax and marijuana...according to his friends and he later confirmed, when we confronted him. Anytime he was ever punished for anything he would run away to her, so technically not one punishment did he actually complete). According to him, he despises me, he despises my kids, and he despises his dad, because he feels he chose me over him. But there was choice ever made, except by him. He tells anyone who will listen, how I was so evil to him, my kids never got in trouble, and stories that were totally made up about this so called abuse he suffered at my hands! Note: my 2 kids, started working at 16, are A students, are in national honor society, play school sports, have never been in trouble at school for anything, they pay their own car payments, to which we bought him a car in cash, because he wouldn't work. He's 19 now, hooked on drugs, has wrecked 3 more cars that his grandmother has bought, doesn't work, is in $7000.00 debt because he collected social security from his moms death, for 7 months after he quit school, ( he did manage to get a GED, thanks to me, that I set up for him), drives on a suspended license, and top everything off, he is now dating/having sex with my sons ex girlfriend of almost 2 years! And has lied to my sons friends to turn them against him. It's like anything he can do hurt us, whether it's to lie, cheat and steal he will do. I have cried, I have lost my temper, my husband and I have seperated at least a dozen times, and now, I still sit and google to find answers. What did I do wrong? What could I have done? I need to let this go, but everytime I feel like I am moving on, he does something else to cause total destruction to my family. Would I take this ride again? NEVER! I have suffered, my husband, my kids...we all are still feeling his wrath. I told my best friend, if something ever happened to me, he did it. I slept with my bedroom door locked and a butcher knife under my mattress for 9 years, and I still have this feeling that he's going to get me or my kids...so believe me it doesn't get better after they're 18 and out of your house....

Have things gotten better since you wrote this? I have similar circumstances now and am curious how life has turned out for you.

Hi I'm so glad I'm not alone. My s son is 17, he walks into my house and I nearly throw up. He has recently stolen around £1300 worth of jewelry from me and I have a lock on my bedroom door now. When he is here I stay in my bedroom I feel like a hostage in my own house. When he says jump to my hubby, my hubby says how high! It's ridiculous. I really feel I can't take much more my nerves are shot and I can't even speak his name without my whole body dying inside. He is rude disrespectful, lying drug taking stealing useless pile of nothing who feels the whole world owes him something. I have 3 kids of my own that I brought up alone they are hard working loving respectful human beings so why can't he be like that there is no excuse for being a bad person

So glad to find this board. I have been really alone with no one to really share my feelings with.
My husband and I have been together for 16 yrs. Due to his alcoholic ex wife, we have raised his son since he was 4. I have had lots of problems with husband (gambling, drinking) over the yrs. I have also had prob. with the ex wife calling drunk and calling me names. Neither parent ever parented this kid, that was left up to me. I took care of him, taught him manners, cooked and cleaned. He never accepted me as anything other than the maid. I tried and was always met with rejection. His mother treated him like she was his friend and so did his dad. I always felt he was spoiled. I tried to love him, but I just couldn't . He just turned 18 and I can't wait for him to move out. I told my husband that I am done. I took the boy to tour a college campus and am trying to help him get in. He cant attend for 8 mths. During the 8 mnts., I have no intention of letting him stay here. He is disrespectful and lazy. I can't hide my feelings anymore. I just try to avoid the kid as much as I can. I feel liberated that I can finally stand up for myself. I also changed my phone number so the ex wife can no longer call me. On a side note, my children (3 boys are all in their late 20's and 30) and of course on their own.
Thanks for letting me vent.

it's such a relief to know that i'm not alone with these feelings. I'm not a bad person. My husband and I have fought to the point of a divorce. and a lot of heartache... My stepson and I DO NOT get along and when it all boils down to it my husband really becomes the meanest cruelest most hurtful person in the entire world. I'm never able to easily address certain issues about this situation that bother me. Most people would say to "run for the door" but this was my last attempt at a relationship and my first marriage. It's like I have to bottle up all my feelings about this and yes when my stepson comes to visit.. my skin crawls... and my heart drops and the weekend is completley miserable for me. Most of the comments say that nothing will ever change... the stress is taking a real physical toll on me.... My only relief is that I've come across this website to know that I am not alone with my feelings. Thank you....

Our husbands are our problem. Our stepsons are the symptoms.
I am much younger than my husband. I have a feeling you are,too.
'I was a saint! She simply couldn't be pleased!' and so forth.

My stepson's mother shows all the signs of deep trauma.(insomnia,anxiety that persisted long after the divorce.) Only recently did I realize that my husband chuckles when his son mentions it. She was institutionalized for a time I found out quite by accident.
My husband spoiled and manipulated his son unitl he wanted to live with him. Do you remember the little boy from that Twilight Zone episode...?

She and her new husband washed their hands soon after. She just left the continent for extended travel,didn't tell her son when she was coming back. He sure as heck ain't got a key to their house! I bear that woman no ill will. I GET it-she had enough of them both.

I have an offer of a (nice) place to stay for myself and last son. Ohh, but something tells me that this is a trap covered in flowers.
"Fool me once,shame on you. Fool me twice,won't get fooled again."

Healing and loving again are possible for the kind and young at heart.

Just found this website---www.ihatemystepson.com<br />
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Check it out. You're not alone.

I have been married to my best friend for 10yrs and when I married him, I accepted his sons (at that time 8 and 13) and he accepted my daughters (at that time 4 and 5). The boy's mother and my girl's father was out of the picture, so we began this blended family together. Little did I realize what I was accepting. The oldest boy-now 23-has been in and out of jail since he was 11, and the younger son-now 18 is the bain of my daily exsistence. 18yrs old, drop out, drug addict, just quit his job b/c they couldn't pay him under the table anymore and he didn't want to have taxes taken out, violent, horrible to my oldest daughter-threatening daily to kill her while she sleeps-consistently calling me horrible names, and drug dealer. Oh wait-did I mention that he also forged his father's signature to obtain food stamps to pay for his "munchies"? What does dad do to handle his son's behavior? Not a f**king thing. "I'll talk to him, I'll talk to him." Nothing ever changes. This kid can tell me I'm a f**king piece of s**t right in front of his father, and dad does NOTHING. <br />
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Good luck to all of you out there. Nothing works. Sorry for any of you that are actually here looking for an answer. There isn't one. Learn to deal with it, or get a divorce. This situation will NEVER change and you're kidding yourself if you think it will.

A number of people here are describing their partners as the love of their lives but they don't appear to be showing you very much love and respect and in a lot of cases you are the ones dealing with difficult children on a day to day basis. I'm in a similar situation and feel as if stepson, BM and the school are taking advantage of me with everything they expect from me but at least I know my partner loves and supports me and would never question my authority in the presence of the kids. He truly appreciates the role I have taken in his childrens lives even though I am reaching breaking point and beginning to question whether I can continue. I wish you all good luck in your situations but stand up and don't let any of them walk all over you. Demand their support, you all deserve it!!!

It is so nice to read that I am not the only one with these kind of feelings. My stepson is 11 and he manipulates his dad like there is no tomorrow. His piece of crap for a mother teaches him no manners tells him he doesn't have to listen to me and condones his bad behavior and bad grades. He is extremely over weight and continues to just sit and watch tv play video games or be on the computer. I am at the point that I hate going home when he is there. I find every reason in the world to be away and when I am home I stay in my bedroom. Sad this is I love my husband with all of my heart. I have talked to him about all of this and all he says is that I act like a 13 year old. Really!?!? Your son looks at me like I am crazy doesn't speak to me and manipulates you and I am acting like a 13 year old. I have never in my life hated a kid but I hate him. I'm am at a cross road trying to decide what to do. Walk away or keep trying.......

I feel your pain.After 4 years I have decided to walk away. These ******** will always manipulate and lie.

So proud of you! :)

Omg my steps one is 17 and the worse person I know in the world. He treats everyone like crap because he thinks that everything should be about him. Everytime he walks in the room I feel sick to my stomach. I like most people and can get along w almost everyone but this guy makes my skin crawl. I just don't like him. I have tried so hard to get over it but I can't shake this feeling that he is up to no good<br />
I love my step daughter and I think that me and her are goin to have a very strong relationship forever. But even she can't stand her brother most days. <br />
Recently my husband and our blended family moved and that's when things got sooo bad. We have only been hear for like 10 months and we have Caught him drinking in his rooms his friends. And found him drunk w puke on the floor. He took my husbands Dodge challenger without asking in the middle of the night and went speed driving w it on dirt roads ( prob drunk) and crashed it in a ditch. 8k worth of damage. Then my husband told him the he wanted to send him to live w his mother because he couldn't take him anymore. (which never happens. I wish it would though). <br />
Then not even 2 weeks later we find him drunk again in his room w his friend. Now my husband wants to give him another chance because "I talked to my mom about it and she thinks I should give him another chance". Wow. I'm so glad that ur mom is a decision maker about our household. And not me. <br />
I don't feel like a wife. I'm just a slave that's here to make everyone happy and to take care of everyone. I don't know what to do or feel anymore. Did I mention that we can't have any babys of our own because of a vasectamy that he had during his previous marriage. So I'm stuck in this barren relationship dealing w all the crap but gettin non of the good stuff in return. <br />
My ss will be 18 this month but since he failed a grade he still has 1 year left in highschool. Don't know if our marriage is gona survive. A person can take only so much.

I understand.. sorry your going threw this. My husband does the same and after 4 years the bastard won. I really really dispise him.And I hate my husband for not sticking up for me.

My step son is a arsehole. He's 24 and what a ******* greedy self centred know it all. My marriage is about to burst and my wife backs him against me. On Mothers day all he bought is mother was a very cheap box of chocolates and then asks if he could open the box. I just want to beat the living out of him. I'm a former royal marine and this boy as no discipline at all. Then I over him and my wife callings all sorts of names. I just dont know what to do. Yet my wife's daughter is entirely opposite to him and she gave us a lovely grand daughter. He doesn't even bother with is niece and that just makes me mad. I've suggested we throw him out but too no avail and now I'm the one that is ready to walk. HELP!

You should take him in the woods an beat the crap out of him. And tell him that if he is gona come into ur house the he will come when his act is cleaned up.
If ur wife can't deal with it. Then maybe u deserve a woman who will respect u as the man of the house and not a little boy

My stepson is rude knows everything and always answers back.Very very disrespectful.he is a bully.He doesn't go to school and plays video games all day.Dad doesn't say **** to him.He has made my life a living hell.I am ready to leave my husband and move with my girls.Ireally really hate this 15 year old kid.

I personally think you all our selfish *******! A kid is only going to show you the respect you show them as respect is learned. I feel for your husband and the remaining family and pray that someday in your next marriage the man treats your kids li,e you do his.

do you have stepchildren?

Looks like a stepson stumbled into this comment arena. Grow up kiddo and respect the people that pay your bills.

Funny.....you sound a lot like my entitled stepson. :D

i could write for hours about how much i can't stand my stepson, but does anyone have any constructive coping suggestions? i've hit an all time low today, and i am very close to leaving my husband because i can't stand this kid. help.

Disengage. I doesn't make them disappear, but it does help your sanity.


My step son moved in after his ******** / wh*** of a "mother died, I love him, held buckets up for him to puke in, rubbed his back when he was sick, etc. etc. He has a grade nine education and whines to his father that I nag him too much about school. We live in a two bedroom apartment with a German Shepard and two half feral rescue cats, I haven't had sex for over two years and am ready to jump off the balcony. Why the **** can my supposed husband not put me , if not first, than at least at the same level of respect, I did not sign up for a live in maids/slave job. I understand exactly what you are going through, I hope your sex life still exists to some extent!

pretty clean your husband has chosse tolive withhis some for life and not you get out

I can relate with many of these posts. I will say it .... I hate my husband's oldest son. His son was trouble the day I met him. He was getting kicked out of day cares, hyper, and all around trouble. I was young and I was able to deal with a bratty 2 year old on the weekends. I married my husband when his son was 3 years old and I also had a 4 year old from my first marriage. A week after we were married his son's mother dropped him off and disappeared for 6 weeks leaving us custody of him. This is when the hell began! For the first 5 years all the responsibility was put on me as my husband traveled for his job and would be away from home for 6 weeks at a time. His son's mom is a dead beat piece of crap and probably will always be. I was left to deal with him getting in trouble at school....with the cops (3 times), beating up my son, and going crazy on me and others. He lies, cheats, and instigates fights. I didn't sit around either....I brought him to doctors appointments, counselors, got ADHD medication for him, etc. I did everything I could (and still do). His dad works all the time and his mom is a fat lazy witch that only takes him when she has no other plans (about one day a month). Now that this kid is now 14 years old I can not take much more. I have told my husband on several occasions that I can't do it anymore and he doesn't care. He said we have a stable household with rules in which he needs and sending him to his mom will screw him up (which he is already screwed up). Also my husband makes a lot of money and he said he refuses to pay her any support when she hasn't helped out in the last 12 years. That just ****** me off. We have 2 other children together (age 9 and 3) that are suffering as well. His oldest son hurts them all the time, he is just mean to them. My husband feels sorry for his oldest because his mom is a piece of **** and gives him special treatment which hurts our 9 year old because he doesn't understand why dad is never on his side. My husband and I fight all the time over what his oldest says to me and his actions on the rest of the family. He is hyper (even on medication), impulsive, ungrateful, rude, disrespectful, cocky, lazy, and acts like a 5 year old with no common sense. He is constantly fighting with our 9 year old, he complains about everything, and his grades suck, mind you the other kids will get in trouble if their grades are bad. I think sometimes that his son likes to see us fight as well cause he will ask me for something and if I say no he will go behind my back and ask dad. He will say stuff to me and when I tell his dad why he is grounded he will lie to his dad and saying I am not telling the truth. This kid is constantly adding to my sentences (like he knows more then me), he is always correcting the way I talk even when he is wrong, and he makes fun of everyone that makes mistakes (including myself). I have told my husband that I hated his son at least three times in the last 3 years and he said I have a problem and I was crazy. I have left my husband one time about 4 years ago and guess what, neither my husband or the kids mom would take him so I was stuck with him anyway. I found out I was pregnant so we ended up getting back together. Now I am pretty much stuck because my husband wont let his oldest move to his moms and I can't leave my husband because it will affect my 2 younger children. I pray every day I will get through this ..... only 4 more years till he is 18. It is probably really bad of me to think maybe he will run away from home and never come back but that is how I feel all the time. Another thing I can't understand is why would any parent want their kid somewhere where he isn't wanted? I know if my oldest kids step-mom didn't like him or want him around he would not go there.

I have always felt guilty for having the negative feelings I had about my oldest step-son same as you right from our first meeting. It has been 10 years now and it just gets worse. My husband is supportive and i too was waiting for the 18th birthday but alas - they dont really go away. I am working on moving us away as soon as the younger step-son starts college - to a very very small house as in no room for kids to come back. lol good luck with your situation. Know that there are many more out there like us having to cope.

I can understand what you mean. I liked my life being simple. But now I hate having to come home and see my stepson. He is just 15 and he in a self destructive spiral. He wanrs to do nothing with his life. He thinks he is smarter than everyone and no one has the right to confront him on his screw ups. He is stagnant, dead weight, waste of space. It wouldnt be so bad if he stayed to himself but he just infects the rest of the home with his negativity. I have reached a new low and cannot accept him as my stepchild. I dont even want him in my house. My mood goes to crap when he walk in the house. <br />
I love my wife like i have never loved any other woman, but i'm no good to anyone when my mood goes to complete **** as soon as he appears. His own mother doesnt trust him. He scares her. He has labeled as dangerous to the household by doctors. I was deployed to Afghanistan and i was sent home early because he was dangerous to the home. So i want nothing to do with and im getting to the point where he goes or i may just leave. Broken, but at least on my own.