Turned Kids Against Me

Every fight we have, not matter what it is about, my wife uses as an opportunity to turn our kids (2, 4, and 6) against me. She will make little comments about how I'm the one being mean...etc. If I get so frustrated I turn and walk away to cool down (a technique taught to me by marraige counselors), my wife will say "there goes daddy, leaving us again." Which of course then spawns questions from the kids "why is he leaving us?" which my wife typically replies with hurtful things about how I must not care...etc etc etc.

Now, I love my kids more than anything. Like many others here, my wife would have likely been long gone from my life if not for them. Yes raising young kids can be difficult at times, and I've lost my temper with them in the past, but I will NEVER turn my back on the 3 of them. They are me, and I am them. It kills me when my wife pulls this kind of ****. I'm convinced she's building up some defense so if we ever do get divorced, the kids will say they want to stay with her.

Tonight I lost it. We got into a spat at lunchtime and when I went to leave the house (to change the oil in her damn car for her) she pulled the "there's daddy leaving us again". I went up to her and said (exact words) "You know what, that's really, really inappropriate to say to them." Which she just brushed off as usual. Then tonight we're in the car headed to go out to dinner and I hear my 6yo daughter say "Mommy's not the mean one because she takes care of us. Daddy doesn't take care of us." I got so pissed I stepped out of the moving car and went back home, googled "I hate my wife" and here I am. I am so sick of this. I find myself walking around the house yelling "I f'ing hate her!"

I do happen to work a full time job, and she is home with the kids. Now that being said, when I get home somehow everything becomes my responsibility, which includes cleaning up after dinner, changing the kids, brushing their teeth, reading to them, and putting them to bed. Typically a 2hr+ process with the 3 of them. All during this time, she's sitting on her fat *** watching E! or real housewives or some ****. She tells me "watching the kids all day is hard work and I need a break". I agree with that. But, I need a break too. When do I get one? She tells me "everyday you're at work, sitting down, at a desk, and that's your break. You get a vacation every day." F*** her. Oh and by the way I get ZERO input into how she spends my hard earned money. Whether it's clothes, groceries, gifts... even name brand bleach vs generic. Oh and I do my own laundry as she is somehow unable to manage it. Not to mention the other tasks that land on my plate that she doesn't worry about: garbage collection, recycling, weeding, mulching, shrubs, electrical, plumbing, insects, rodents, saving, investing, managing budget, basically 100% of managing the finances. Her job description: watch kids (2 of which are at school during day) and cook. I'd say clean the house but it looks and smells like **** most of the time. She pays someone to clean it at least once a month. Can't expect her to clean AND watch the kids... The interesting thing is - I telecommute occassionally, and the days I happen to work from home she has huge periods of down time - basically from 1pm - 4pm when both kids are in school and the little one is napping. I see her playing farmville or on Facebook doing something of zero productivity during these times. I guess it's every other day when I'm at work that she's kept busy all day with something that drains her energy.

F***k. I hate her.

Now, I'm a bit torn on what to do exactly. We have been through marraige counseling, individual counseling... this has been going on for years. I'm convinced we are just two incompatible individuals. I have researched divorce in my state and this doesn't seem like a good option for me. For starters, one of us would have to move out for 2 years for a no-fault divorce. there's no way in hell she would move out so that would mean I need to find an apartment for 2 years. This would be tough if not impossible to swing financially, let alone the fact that she would probably be unable to take care of the house on her own, unless she outsourced everything (another financial issue). Then there's the factor for child support, which likely I'll be reamed for as I make a decent living and she has zero income. And most importantly, I'm most concerned about how this will affect the kids. I know, people say it's bad enough for kids to be in an environment where the parents fight, but I think the actual seperation would be even worse for them. Keep in mind we're taking 2, 4, and 6 here. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't tell my 3 kids that I love them, that they have good hearts inside them, and that I'm proud of them. I know they find comfort in my being there for them. My 2 year old whispers "daaaady" when I pick him up and he rests his head on my shoulder. I am not leaving them. I just wish I knew what the hell to do. I'm done believing this can be fixed. The more stories I read on here the more concerned I am that this just "hollows you out" over time and in the end I"ll be an empty, bitter, soul-less person who has missed out on life as a result. I am only in my mid thirties and I have transformed 180 degrees from who I was just years ago. I used to make people laugh. People used to enjoy being around me. I used to lift them up. Now I am just angry, negative, and bitter. I have completely lost my temper, sense of humor, and goodwill. I hate the person I have become as a result of all of this.

When we do finally make up it's usually her telling me I need to "try harder" and "be more involved" and be a better father/husband. And the stupid gullable sh*t that I am, I agree to it, apologizing for being difficult. I tell her I'll try harder to fix all my problems, and put more effort into taking care of the kids and showing her more respect. Yet, when I am in restaurant bathrooms holding my son up on my knee washing his hands and getting soaked in the process, strangers will approach me and tell me what a good dad I am. My own parents tell me I am a good father and even my brother in laws tell me I do a lot considering my wife is home with the kids. Basically I have everyone in my life telling me I'm doing OK except for HER. I believe I am a good father. I believe I am a decent husband. Yes I can do better, but then so can all of us.

Maybe I just picked the wrong person. Now, given the circumstances, I'm just not sure what to do about it. Anyone out there who has figured this out, PLEASE let me know.
Gizmac Gizmac
4 Responses Oct 9, 2010

Make notes of everything you do every single day. You'll need them in court

Dude, I feel like we live the same life. I have 3 kids (4yr and 3yr old twins). I face the same issue. Hire a live-in nanny to take care of the kids and give enough money to the nanny to feed the kids. Make your wife irrelevant. She's doing this because she thinks she owns you via the marriage certificate. Your way to outsmart her is to stay married in a way that is less comfortable to her than divorce. As soon as divorce becomes more profitable, she will leave you. Make no mistake about it!<br />
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Men tend to have remorse or feel bad for divorcing, For women, most of the time, it is very simple: they are not gaining, they leave. Uh, they will still find a way to blame you in process. You can't win no matter what. Cut your losses and save on your health. Stay focused on the kids, try to make her irrelevant, and manage to stay married until the kids are 18 or close to. They longer you stay married, the less you will have to pay in child support over time. Keep your eyes on the prize.

I don't think I have any helpful advice, but I just wanted to say that stories like this make me ashamed to be part of my gender. A lot of women (and men, but, in your case, women), do not know how to appreciate what they have, especially when they aren't even bringing home some money. However, I do believe traditional roles create resentment on both sides: she is economically dependent on you, and, therefore, equates to a child, and you bear the financial responsibility of the family (along with, in your case, other domestic responsibilities). Perhaps if you try discussing the root of both of your resentments, you can try to come to happy medium. That's about the best advice I could give; I know how this story typically ends.<br />
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Good luck.

Dude, this is so sick. Head for the hills. I can believe everything your saying. If you look at the things that you are doing on a daily basis compared to what she is doing it makes no sense. The man is supposed to be the head of the household, but somehow we turn into their *****. My wife says same thing, She complains when I don't come home right after work, and also complains when I am off for the day. These women are horrible. Watching General Hospital is not a job! **** thee ungreatful *******!