Turned Kids Against MeEvery fight we have, not matter what it is about, my wife uses as an opportunity to turn our kids (2, 4, and 6) against me. She will make little comments about how I'm the one being mean...etc. If I get so frustrated I turn and walk away to cool down (a technique taught to me by marraige counselors), my wife will say "there goes daddy, leaving us again." Which of course then spawns questions from the kids "why is he leaving us?" which my wife typically replies with hurtful things about how I must not care...etc etc etc.
Now, I love my kids more than anything. Like many others here, my wife would have likely been long gone from my life if not for them. Yes raising young kids can be difficult at times, and I've lost my temper with them in the past, but I will NEVER turn my back on the 3 of them. They are me, and I am them. It kills me when my wife pulls this kind of ****. I'm convinced she's building up some defense so if we ever do get divorced, the kids will say they want to stay with her.
Tonight I lost it. We got into a spat at lunchtime and when I went to leave the house (to change the oil in her damn car for her) she pulled the "there's daddy leaving us again". I went up to her and said (exact words) "You know what, that's really, really inappropriate to say to them." Which she just brushed off as usual. Then tonight we're in the car headed to go out to dinner and I hear my 6yo daughter say "Mommy's not the mean one because she takes care of us. Daddy doesn't take care of us." I got so pissed I stepped out of the moving car and went back home, googled "I hate my wife" and here I am. I am so sick of this. I find myself walking around the house yelling "I f'ing hate her!"
I do happen to work a full time job, and she is home with the kids. Now that being said, when I get home somehow everything becomes my responsibility, which includes cleaning up after dinner, changing the kids, brushing their teeth, reading to them, and putting them to bed. Typically a 2hr+ process with the 3 of them. All during this time, she's sitting on her fat *** watching E! or real housewives or some ****. She tells me "watching the kids all day is hard work and I need a break". I agree with that. But, I need a break too. When do I get one? She tells me "everyday you're at work, sitting down, at a desk, and that's your break. You get a vacation every day." F*** her. Oh and by the way I get ZERO input into how she spends my hard earned money. Whether it's clothes, groceries, gifts... even name brand bleach vs generic. Oh and I do my own laundry as she is somehow unable to manage it. Not to mention the other tasks that land on my plate that she doesn't worry about: garbage collection, recycling, weeding, mulching, shrubs, electrical, plumbing, insects, rodents, saving, investing, managing budget, basically 100% of managing the finances. Her job desc
F***k. I hate her.
Now, I'm a bit torn on what to do exactly. We have been through marraige counseling, individual counseling... this has been going on for years. I'm convinced we are just two incompatible individuals. I have researched divorce in my state and this doesn't seem like a good option for me. For starters, one of us would have to move out for 2 years for a no-fault divorce. there's no way in hell she would move out so that would mean I need to find an apartment for 2 years. This would be tough if not impossible to swing financially, let alone the fact that she would probably be unable to take care of the house on her own, unless she outsourced everything (another financial issue). Then there's the factor for child support, which likely I'll be reamed for as I make a decent living and she has zero income. And most importantly, I'm most concerned about how this will affect the kids. I know, people say it's bad enough for kids to be in an environment where the parents fight, but I think the actual seperation would be even worse for them. Keep in mind we're taking 2, 4, and 6 here. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't tell my 3 kids that I love them, that they have good hearts inside them, and that I'm proud of them. I know they find comfort in my being there for them. My 2 year old whispers "daaaady" when I pick him up and he rests his head on my shoulder. I am not leaving them. I just wish I knew what the hell to do. I'm done believing this can be fixed. The more stories I read on here the more concerned I am that this just "hollows you out" over time and in the end I"ll be an empty, bitter, soul-less person who has missed out on life as a result. I am only in my mid thirties and I have transformed 180 degrees from who I was just years ago. I used to make people laugh. People used to enjoy being around me. I used to lift them up. Now I am just angry, negative, and bitter. I have completely lost my temper, sense of humor, and goodwill. I hate the person I have become as a result of all of this.
When we do finally make up it's usually her telling me I need to "try harder" and "be more involved" and be a better father/husband. And the stupid gullable sh*t that I am, I agree to it, apologizing for being difficult. I tell her I'll try harder to fix all my problems, and put more effort into taking care of the kids and showing her more respect. Yet, when I am in restaurant bathrooms holding my son up on my knee washing his hands and getting soaked in the process, strangers will approach me and tell me what a good dad I am. My own parents tell me I am a good father and even my brother in laws tell me I do a lot considering my wife is home with the kids. Basically I have everyone in my life telling me I'm doing OK except for HER. I believe I am a good father. I believe I am a decent husband. Yes I can do better, but then so can all of us.
Maybe I just picked the wrong person. Now, given the circumstances, I'm just not sure what to do about it. Anyone out there who has figured this out, PLEASE let me know.
Gizmac 31-35 4 Responses 0 Oct 9, 2010