Wife? Or Curse?

I got married to this person I loved about 7 years back. Worst decision of my life. She is selfish (cares pretty much only about her needs and emotions and creates so much hell at home), she has several strong traits of childish/childlike behavior, deflection of all blame and hysterics, impossible to reason with and a very poisonous mouth. She does not give a damn about the sensitivities of others. She constantly accuses me making her play second fiddle.

I’ve been putting up with her for all this time now as we have 2 lovely daughters aged 4 & 6 (Who unfortunately also seem to be changing into her!) I’m particularly disappointed and worried now because of this. I can probably hold on but the thought of my two daughters going down the same route makes it horrible to think of.

She is "happy" and "chatty" only around her friends and family. Around mine, she is aloof, disinterested or just plain rude. She picks apart everything my friends and loved ones say and do. She makes it a point to be seen as a separate person. This makes it extremely difficult to have a nice time with my friends and family. It’s particularly distressing because my friends and family visit very rarely because they can’t stand her anymore.

She is overly critical of me around my friends and family. She is visibly happier when they aren’t around. She says and does the most horrible things that I can even imagine to me. One day, getting a 100% salary bump I call her first of all ecstatically to relay the news and her statement was “What can you do with that men?” Another time, I had mislaid my phone and used hers to ring mine. I dialed my number and rang my phone. After I located my phone I looked at her screen to identify the disconnect button. That’s when I saw, that my number was saved as “The Fool”. She makes a big fuss about every single thing and my kids think that I am abusive towards her because she makes such a huge scene. She has this martyred attitude and brings it into play whenever she can. She goes around the whole neighborhood telling all her friends what she thinks of me. I on the other hand make it a point never to tell anybody of whatever issues I undergo with her. This makes me seem the bad guy in everyone’s eyes. She hates the fact that I am involved in working with young people. She goes haywire when my friends ask me out for a meal or to visit them and says that I am behaving like a bachelor and rants on and on. I, like an idiot have always encouraged her to go out. I could go on and on.

I have spoken and spoken to her about all this but nothing is working. I have tried my best to keep this family together. I can’t take this anymore... I’m at a point where I wouldn’t mind ending the marriage. If only I didn’t have my daughters depending on me. There was a time when I would do anything for her... but I hate her now. Hate the thought of going back home to be with her. Hate the prospect of having to spend the rest of my life with her. I can’t bear this anymore! Having gone through so much, I have just realized that I have fallen out of love and I have no idea how to cope with that. Would appreciate if any of you guys had any advice or revelations for me which you feel would help me out. I actually am planning to leave my country and find work abroad as I really can’t deal with this. I don’t know if that is the best way to handle it.

iragould iragould
31-35, M
12 Responses Mar 22, 2011

Dang sound like you married my wife and dealing with her while I'm off at work. For mine she is Bi-polar and didn't decide to tell me till years down the road for all her rash antics. I too have kids a step-daughter and son who I both love dearly. I feel your pain. If I had words of wisdom I would share them. All I do is God step in on time to relieve the people she affect from her ways. Yes she has meds and alot of counseling, but is still the same person minus all the bodyweight she had before. (bariatric surgery) instead of working out which she still doesn't work out, period and doesn't attend to....sad.

It is easy to say all comforting words, but when life come in as every storm, parents gone, than comes being raped by a family member, than comes life time painfull health problem where u have to keep your self away from friends and family, than comes wife who only curses my health,husband is only to show family, I say I love you everyday, kiss her every morning before she goes to work, kiss her wen she comes back. For her this is childish. She thinks romance is crazy. Everyday for me is hell.

I am going through same everyday. I am going through medical problems, but she still curses me n after says sorry, i dearly love her, and with that she says I am only after her, but she is not after me. i grew up in a family where respect women as same. I knew from day one she doesn't love me, but thought will change, but I am not the prince for her. I tried many times to kill my self but was unsuccessful. I am drinking heavily now, health is deteotrating. Self esteem has gone Long time ago. Don't need respons, just sharing.

Space1999.. I followed your advise to the letter! With the exception of the last part! That my dear friend is the best advise I have got and IT WORKED!!!! Big time. All of what you said changed everything for me! All thanks to you! <br />
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The texting part and the working late part had her very worried! And to crown it all, I got a job in one of the best travel companies here and I travel alot! I am no longer the obese 148 kilo chap I was. I have lost exactly 50% of that bodyweight and sculpted! No more the doormat! No more the cowardly chap who kept quiet for the kids sake! <br />
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She no longer has any say in what I do. she does not fight with me now. I dont let anything get in between my daughters and I! Once again, all thanks to you!<br />
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Just wanted to let you know that what you said worked like a charm and I am so much happier now. Thank you again for this! Shall pass it on to others in need of this advise too! :)<br />
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"She is "happy" and "chatty" only around her friends and family. Around mine, she is aloof, disinterested or just plain rude. She picks apart everything my friends and loved ones say and do. She makes it a point to be seen as a separate person. This makes it extremely difficult to have a nice time with my friends and family. It’s particularly distressing because my friends and family visit very rarely because they can’t stand her anymore."<br />
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I know, from my own experience, that you can do ALL to please your wife, including moving from a bigger city to a smaller one, in a time where jobs are scarse (and leaving a good one behind), just for her to be near her family, but mine being received with rudeness when they visit (not even once a month and staying in a Hotel in order to "disturb" the least...)<br />
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And, when arguing about it, having to ear my own mom being called (very) bad names, when I refuse to insult any of her family members which have done me no harm, and with which I try to get the best I can on a daily basis...

I feel for you dude. I don't have kids, but my wife a control freak. Sounds like you need to find something for yourself. Stop playing nurse and get out there for yourself. Get some courage and refuse to let it get to you... grow a thick skin and when you show you have an independent spirit I have a feeling she will give way.<br />
My situation is a sad one... because my wife is such a manic control freak I don't want to have kids with her and expose them to that... I'd rather just let the gene pool run dry.<br />

Women have this idea that once you are married with kids they have you for life and can treat you like crap. <br />
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yep exactly this . Pull out your checkbook ,bud.<br />
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Marriage or prostitution. One is honest and the other isn't .<br />
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guess which?

This is so sad. Yet it must feel good to put it down here so honestly. If I felt like this about my husband but still stayed with him anyway, every minute would feel like a lie. Besides, he would pick up on my attitude and give it back to me double. The resulting ugliness is no way to live a life.

Strange... Same story, different names! I now feel a bit luckier than you because my kids are almost ready to leave the house, so I won't have much longer to wait before kicking the wife out or leaving her to her own misery. I took it upon myself to ignore her constant belligerant attitude and be a good father and provider for the kids. Now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel better and better each day. I wish I could tell you to be patient and think of your kids needs before your own. But since it seems your daughters are getting like their mother and don't respect you anymore, might as well cut your losses and take off. You're still young and have a good chance at a better life. Don't do as I did and get remarried without really giving it serious thought and then think even more. It's all peaches and cream until you get that wedding ring around her finger...

She is showing every trait of a manipulator. There are plenty of books that talk about manipulators in romantic relationships - read some to protect yourself.<br />
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If you like fighting, you will be able to turn it around and put her under your thumb. However, I have not seen any indication that people like this will be anything other than some kind of broken in my personal experience. These people either tend to manipulate to control or (after turning things around) turn into useless, irresponsible followers. Just my opinion - talk to a professional for their outlook on the case.<br />
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All of what you describe is bad. Calling you "The Fool" is a slap to your pride that requires action. That action would start with separating and protecting your finances, followed by divorce. But that's just my opinion.

Frist thing is to never loose you temper or your cool with her. Your a man, and men have control overthemselves, she is the crazy woman, and yes they are all crazy, the challenge is how you deal with and control them. It sounds like you are doing things backwards, she is the man and you are acting like the woman. Show her you are not afraid of loosing her. Women have this idea that once you are married with kids they have you for life and can treat you like crap. If she says what about the kids, change the subject, this is about us, not the kids, this is about you, not the kids, stop hiding behind the kids. Start working late all the time, then set you cell phone alarm to go off at random times, like in the middle of dinner, and change the ring tones. Pick up you phone look at it and chuckle then shut off the alarm. When you are not looking, she will grab you phone and check for text messages and calls, and NOTHING will be there. It will drive her crazy. You need to put up a front that you have other options. If she isn't going to giver you respect, don't give her any. Use a technique called the Neg, that is insult her while complementing her. Say things like, you look good for you age, you hair is looks nice but it is out of style, and this dinner is good, but it could be better if a steak came with it. If she blows up, crack a beer and say nothing. When she finally asks you if you have anything to say, say "that was a wierd reaction you just had." Women hate being called wierd it makes them feel abnormal and all women want is to conform and keep up with the Jones. When the kids are sleeping, just grab her and bang her, don't ask, a man doesn't ask to bang his wife he just does. If she freaks out, say that is a wierd reaction, hmmmm funny. Then have you cell phone go off again. <br />
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Would you be leaving the country and divorcing her? You need to leave her. You will be happier. She has no respect for you, especially putting your name on the phone as the fool. You are better than her. You will do better. Leave her.