She Knows How Unhappy I Am. She Doesn't Care.

The stereotype is that women talk about their feelings and men are closed off.  Well it is the opposite with us.  When she does things that hurt me I try to let her know (assuming, foolishly I guess, that she cares whether she hurts me or not).  But if I do something that hurts her, she waits and saves it up as ammo, never giving me a chance to apologize or do better.

It's so frustrating because I would be willing to do so much for her if she was willing to do anything for me.  I work all day and come home to manage all the finances and do all the construction work to remodel our home.

We've been married a year and a half.  Things turned sour about two months into the marriage and have been there ever since.  We got pregnant accidentally (she was *sure* she knew when she ovulated, and like a world class chump I trusted her).  No, she didn't get pregnant on purpose, she's just bloody incompetent.

Everything she tries to do she fails.  She stays home all day, but the house is always a mess.  The most important thing to do, I said, is communicate with me, but she can't or won't.  So we just sail through life pretending everything is okay when it isn't.

I have really tried.  I hate my life so much.  I'm venting here because I don't have friends to talk to about this (I have friends, but I believe it's wrong to badmouth one's wife behind her back to one's friends).

I can't tell her how I *really* feel because it would just make her sad but never sad enough to change.  And even though I don't feel like I love her anymore, I guess I still do.  I mean I still try not to hurt her, I still try to fulfill all of my responsibilities, I still let her have her way in lots of things because I'm trying to be considerate.

I feel like I've done everything I can do, but nothing will make her do the things she *said* she would do.  She doesn't disagree that she should communicate with me or work on the relationship.  She just doesn't do it.

In the last 6 months we've probably had sex about 3 times, and that all clustered around a single "doing better" period.  But she stopped trying.

Or at least she stopped doing.  She says she tries really hard, but it's not the kind of effort that does anyone any good.  It's like trying to fly or have x-ray vision.  It doesn't work, try something else!

She has no suggestions at all on how to improve the situation.  I have to think of everything, she'll agree to what I say, but then not follow through at all.

I finally told her, just pick one thing, one thing to do and do properly.  I'd prefer it would be "communicate with husband" but that is apparently such a chore that she can't do it.  So she picked laundry.  She'd do the laundry and show she could do a single task.

Well she can't.  She did for a couple of days and fell right back into her haphazard routine.

What kind of person can't just get the laundry done, if they know that's what will help their marriage?  (Not that I care about laundry.  I just want to know that she can do something, *anything*, consisently!  Something to show I can trust her to do *anything* she says she will do!)

Before we had these problems, I'd have jumped in front of a bullet for her (and probably still would, even though I can't stand her now), but she can't even keep clothes off the bathroom floor to make me happy.

I've made changes.  I don't leave tools laying around anymore, I rinse all my dishes as soon as I've eaten, I put all my clothes in the hamper.  I've made so many adjustments out of consideration for her, but she hasn't changed anything for me since we've been married.

I don't believe in divorce, except for adultery.  I know that I will never leave her or cheat on her.  Sometimes I almost hope she'd cheat on me so I'd have an out though.  I coudn't be any more hurt anyway, she's made it clear by her actions that she doesn't care about me at all.  She says she does, but I know longer believe anything she says.  She's a liar.  But she believes what she says, because she's first lied to herself.

I love our daughter so much.  But I still wish she had never been conceived.  I feel so bad for her knowing she will grow up in a house where the parents don't get along.

I got her to go to counseling once, but she didn't open up to the counselor at all, she just talked about difficulties trying to take care of the baby and keep the house.  So of course she got advice on how to deal with that.

Well I really don't need to pay for therapy if she's going to hide all her thoughts and feelings from the therapist just like she does with me.  She would be more than capable of taking care of the baby and managing the house if she wasn't so stupid!  She complains that no one helps with the baby, but she has people that can, she just doesn't ask them.

Most of the stuff she complains about, she has control over.

The stuff she doesn't like about me is all stuff I would be fine to change if she would help at all.  But she won't.  For example, let's say I always leave me shoes on the floor in the living room and she doesn't like that.  She'll let me do it for months before saying anything, then I'll try to change, but forget because it's a habit and she won't say anything again for months, then it's all built up.  She then gets mad for not caring about her feelings, but from my point of view if she really cared why wouldn't she try to help me remember?  It makes me think she doesn't really care.  Well if she doesn't care, why should I?  But if she'd just say "don't forget about your shoes" a few times, I could break the habit.  But I have to do it 100% on my own.

Whereas with her, I have tried leaving her to do it on her own, or trying to help remind her gently, and it all makes no difference.  She doesn't even disagree with the change I request, she says she agrees she should change her behavior, but then she doesn't.

I'm just so sick of it.  At the beginning, I feel things could have been fixed.  Now I feel like we've gone way past the point of no return.  Even if she fixed the things I wanted her to fix, I'll know for the rest of my life that she was fine to let me be utterly miserable and hate my life for a year and a half.

If she was unhappy and I could do something to fix it, nothing would stop me.  But she has no suggestions whatever for what I can do to fix things.  Because she knows it's all her.  Whereas I can tell her exactly what she could do to make me happy but she won't do it.

She *won't*.

The saddest part of all is that the signs of this were there before we married but I believed what she said instead of how she acted and so now I am trapped.  I feel like a great fool because I should have known but I was blinded by love.

Now not only am I unhappy now but the years of happiness we did have while dating have been washed away, replaced by bitterness.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

And my daughter will probably pay a bigger price than I.  But at least my wife loves my daughter and takes care of her, mostly.  But she loved me once, too.

unhappydude unhappydude
28 Responses Mar 5, 2008

Im a Christian, i smartened up she was using that to use me as a door mat i left her alone after 8 years 2 year into the marriage now ive learned to love myself again that abuse will break you if you awaken the fact you dislike yourself so much your willing to let someone violate your whole entire being just to please people your church the kids , everyone happy but you will eventually break you , I left Im 39 ive never been happier my soul mate is the most beautiful woman i know inside and out , shes 22 and communicates with me , we do for each other , she works and goes to school , W love each other so much she trwats my kids like hers and vice versa , we have fun , we are both romantic , even if it ends i was made whole again , good luck i l9ve my life now , took a while after i got over the hope , not being in the home with the kids , i feel 25 again awh i can smell the flowers again yes

Hi, sorry to hear what you are going through :( I get scolded and my husband gets angry for me trying to handle everything and making his life better. He is still starting out in his new career so am really tight on finances so I pay for everything with the baby as I work and earn quite well. I don't complain even one bit nor calculate. He sleeps late playing computer games and wakes up late so mostly I take care of the baby and home. Never scold or nag, just try to do what I can and what I can't will ask for help. Even that I get scolded and he gets angry over things I never thought possible. He gets irritated when I calmly talk to my baby while baby is sleeping. He gets angry when because he is sleeping, I bring baby alone down to see doctor. He gets angry when I know he is out working so I decide to take a bus to go fetch my baby also because my mum is waiting. He gets angry when he tells me to make my way down to pickup point only when he calls but even I do that and he reaches so fast and I'm not there, he yells. He then gets angry when I tell him I did my best to rush down as fast as possible but he says I should not have as I have a baby. He gets angry when I look tired after a long day. He gets angry when the whole day I'm at home, I don't touch my handphone but when everyone is asleep and he is doing his work stuff, I just check some mail and reads some articles. I rarely fight or argue back, just try to explain the situation and why I did what I did but even that he gets angry and says I'm trying to win the argument. I don't lose my cool and talk properly but am always faced with a lot of anger and vulgar words. It's really feels like nothing I do is right and since there is no fault to find that he just finds anything to be angry with me.

Ungrateful and men are the bad ones.

Man this hits close to home. We don't have any kids but everything else is spot on. Even the duration of marriage! Has there been any improvement?

I'm in a similar situation. In my case we are not married. Been together 7 years, and the kicker.... wait for it..... she's a quadraplegic which I assume full responsibility and care for. She's cheated and shows no remorse. I've gotten over it but she uses it against me all the time. I may write a book some day so I will save the messed up things for that but trust me the things she says to me are amazingly creative and gut wrenchingly hurtful. She fights with me everyday about anything. I know I should leave but , The love that I have for her is so strong. I can't think of life without her. She also does alot of things you have mentioned. I feel for you bro I do. Idk how but we have to find the strength to leave this kingdom we have built and start anew. Safe travels my friend we will see you when none of this matters anymore.

I feel for you. You will have to take a different approach for sure. Her unhappiness runs deep within her. Maybe she is clinical or manic depressive. Or have post pardum syndrome but this is going to be very hard to have to love her and learn to be happy for yourself. You will have to be the dominant personality because she is not just going to bring you down but your child also. She probably got married to rid herself of how miserable she been feeling as a person. So don't blame her for not knowing how to be happy. Pray that she find peace of min as I pray you will. But it will go back to some sort of counseling. Maybe even spiritual. My best.

I feel I am in the same boat. It's like she is looking for something to complain about every day. Be it me or my kid. It's always our fault and she is friggin' perfect. I almost divorced her twice but gave her second chances. She doesn't appreciate that I did that, she is always pointing out what I do wrong. If I bring up those things from the past, it gets twisted and is ultimately my fault. It's like damn! Be responsible for your actions! I am at the end of my rope. If she is so unhappy, why doesn't she leave? I wish she would or do something so bad that I have no choice but to get divorced. I use to love her but not so much anymore.

Sorry to hear this. I think it is emotional abuse. I hope things are ok now.

Adult ADHD

Sorry about what's going on. I am going to keep it real. You are not happy and you want to be. Understand this. God is not going to give you someone that is going to make you unhappy. It's His desire for us to be happy. That's why it's so important to consult Him first before making such choices. He would have showed you plenty of signs and that He did. If you are not at peace or always feeling miserable with your marriage, then she wasn't for you in the first place. I would rather be alone and happy than being with someone who will make my life miserable because they are. Try to move on with your life and continue taking care of your daughter. I know it will be hard and it will take some time to get over, but you will make it. Somewhere down the road, you will start feeling better about yourself. The Lord knows you desire to be happy and He will fulfill that desire by giving you someone He knows is best for you and your daughter.

All you guys need to Google and research something called 'passive aggressive personality disorder marriage'

I have been in a similar situation for years and have been left feeling frustrated, angry, unloved and meaningless to my wife. After doing some research i read about passive aggressive personality disorder and it felt like reading the script of my life and completely explained all these behaviors and why she acted this way.

They call passive aggressive people 'crazy makers' because they make you feel so mad and hopeless, they cant express normal anger and hate confrontation so they project their anger on you, by making you angry they get what they want.
They will purposely not comply with you or follow through tasks, and make promises they have no intention of fulfilling to purposely make you angry and upset then act like they don't understand or refuse to communicate or talk vaguely and ambiguously. But do not be fooled, THESE PEOPLE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO YOU. You need to read up on this abusive personality disorder, these people never change, they will run you into the ground and make it seem like its all your fault, yet if you ever threaten to leave they normally will beg and plead you to stay. Why would they want to lose their emotional punch bag? Because that's all you are to them. These people are scared of intimacy and affection yet are scared to be without you, you are not a human being to them, you are an object, your feelings mean nothing to them. If you read up on PA (passive aggressive behavior) and decide your spouse has it, you need to get the hell outta there while you still have your sanity. I wish I had taken my own advise, I have been with my wife 7 years and have a child with her and realized she had PA 3 years ago, I mistakenly believed I could change her, because I love her so much. 3 years later she has cheated on me (another behavior common to PA people) and she is refusing to accept responsibility for her affair and is blaming me and making it feel like its my fault! I am now secretly planning a divorce That's where this can stuff lead to guys! They tend to prey on very kind and giving people when in relationships.

If the OP or any of you commenting think your spouse has PA (and i recognize a lot these behaviors as typical of PA), then my advise to you is RUN LIKE HELL AND NEVER LOOK BACK because life is too short to be miserable!

Pretty much spot on thank you for the read. Although in my situation she doesn't care if I leave. She says she wants me 2 but 5 minutes later is asking for help. Idk I'm starting to think im in the most messed up relationship.

My wife was the same type, and it was a result of her childhood, and being brought up by a very bad mother (a good heart, but pathetic mother and a slob). When women don't learn these skills from their mother or other role model, men, don't think for one second you will be able to teach her or convince her. I was married to my wife for 19 years. Fortunately, I recognized the stay-at-home-thing was a net loss early, and encouraged her to complete her degree and teach, which she did. This introduced other problems but I digress..Bottom line is, I loved her anyway, and she and I had great chemistry.. great sex.. But NOT WITHIN 1-2 years of each of our 3 pregnancies. Men! Wise up! ITS A LONG WAIT for that girl's hormones to start kicking the right way again. But when they do... watch out boy! and be ready. There are things you can do together to speed up that process.. consult the google guru.. But dude, it's God's way of saying, focus on the kid, idiots.As far as the housewife, and communications failures, just realize that if you don't want her to leave YOU at some point, like mine did, you need to play the role of the sweet, kind husband, DESPITE her BS and failure to reciprocate. Face up to the fact that you will NEVER have your emotional needs met by her, but you BETTER meet hers, every minute of every day.When it all comes down, she will only remember the times you were an *** to her. All the good times will be blackwashed in her mind, and you will literally have to remind her of them all. Got a good memory? You're gonna need it.The question is, is she worth it? I think mine was, because I truly cared about her, and loved her despite her failings. And again, deadly attracted to her, and she to me. That last part I think was critical though. I'll admit if the dry spells were eternal, I would've left because of the rest of the BS.

you know what guys, we are all a bunch a push overs. I think our problem is we cant take initiative to make them do what they need to...... clearly they cant do it them dam selves. Its our only option... we are too nice. You know we wont leave them. We need to tell them what to do and quit listenening to their stupid side of the story... I mean we know there is no stinkin way it could be valid right? Comon guys, yall have inspired me... We all sound like the people who have the ability to be leaders but just want a partner.... maybe its just to late for thay crap ...... maybe its just time for us to be leaders!!!!!!

I am a woman in a situation very similar to yours. I have a man who will come out of the clothes hes wearing but will get MAD if I ask him why he cant just put them in the laundry he fishes constantly even..if he has been given.the day off work instead of being a good husband And repairing our home or cleaning up some mess he made he goes fishing AGAIN. I took all id saved to buy a car And begged him please take care of it instead i get beach sand fish stink And trash.. I have to beg for extra hours And work a mans job full time maybe.1 sometimes 2 days off a week but those are crammed full of cleaning up all he ruins. I have asked him for counseling till Im blue in the face, I dont think it would even help anymore cuz I.think its gone on too long And been called to many names. We have a 7 year old that is seeing its ok to ones like trash so he is learning to be just like I hate
to come home If we didnt boy I would just.leave, but after the years of him all of my savings And everything I owned that was nice or worth anything has been destroyed or used so much its crap or has been sold to make up.for a man who only works to barely make it and he demands $5 every day so he can go to lunch And acts horrible if I cant afford to give it to him.. This past week we almost had to not eat so our child could..... Im tired , unloved And feel empty. Why do we continue doing this to ourselves. Is it not enough.respect for ourselves..... any words of wisdom anyone??????

Oh And I try everything.possible not to have sex with him since its kind of.a reward for working hard in a marriage plus who wants to sleep with someone who is never home And would rather be with dudes fishing than working on bettering our lives

Im probably gonna hear a bunch of bs about well he isnt out at a bar or sleeping around at least he is just fishing...... well for those of you who believe that try being alone constantly and then someone walking in and expect you to sleep with them like its my job...

In the same boat, i understand how you feel.

I'm not the only one! I do everything for my wife she is lazy and her and her family call me selfish, when I do the laundry I clean the house I take my wife to her docters appointments and she doesn't give me anything in return not even a thank you, she does not work she sits at home all day and watches tv, if something needs done around the house she waits until I get off of my 12 hour shifts and makes me do it. Like you I'm trapped I want a divorce but can't live with the regret nor do I beleive in it, I try to make it work but when we talk she says "I don't know" or I will fix it and then not fix a damn thing I changed for my wife thinking things would get better, but they only have gotten worse. Because she will not change. I feel like I'm going crazy be wise I feel I'm the only one that uses commen sence, I have told my wife she hurts me she doesn't care, my wife does not even ecknowlege me when I'm around we do t have sex ever, and every time I try to get away she says I don't care, I went to councelors and they are all wondering what can be do e to fix it and I never get a salution. I'm only 21 have been married a year and a half, life wasn't like this before we were married, but as soon as I put a ring on it she clinged to her mom and will not grow up and see she has a husband who cares and loves her, and I'm at the end of my rope because I'm starting to feel she will never change, I'm trapped, I'm just waiting for advice.


She isn't for you and never was. Ask yourself. Do you want to be miserable or happy? You are so young and trying to do so much. She knows she has you and she feels that she can do whatever she wants to you because you two are married and she knows that you are not going anywhere. You need to leave and file for a divorce. For one, she isn't doing her wifely duties. She is sleeping with someone else. She just haven't got caught yet. Son, it's time to wake up. The Lord will give you someone that He desires for you to have. You just have to be wise and accept whatever He has to offer you because every good gift comes from Him. It's not God's desire for us to be miserable or unhappy. Pray that God will send you the right one. Ask for a sign and trust me when I tell you. He will show you a sign. That right one may not be perfect, but she will be perfect for you. If a person is going to stress or worry you in any kind of way that will drive you to the point that will cause you to be insane, well, hon, that's not God. That's the devil. Move on. It's going to hurt, but you will make it. Later on down the road, you will feel better about yourself. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you so PLEASE enjoy it. Don't waste anymore time feeling miserable. I am sure you will meet someone who will appreciate you and you will appreciate that someone.

Nobody can help you... she will blame you that you are perfectionist ...she staying with you because of your money you are bringing to home...sorry I'm in same position... roots of her behavior is some where else ... if you can deal with stay with her but your life gonna be worse and worse...sorry for that !

Don't wait for her to change find another interest that makes you happy and don't change let her guess if you care for awhile I went to vegas twice with two friends all I think about now those two week of peace and didn't cheat what did I do wrong tool back some of my life it doesn't have to be vegas it's your life to

I'm likely older than you guys (58), but have the same issue. I'm in my second marriage, the third for my wife. We dated, lived together, etc for 16 years since my first marriage soured me on marriage. But finally we did it. Since then, unbelievably, things have gone south. Simply put, my wife is a quitter. Since we've been together she's walked out on 3 jobs without having another. I should have seen this coming. She is employed as a secretary at the high school, making a nominal wage while I've toughed it out in some extremely difficult positions, but kept moving forward. She makes bad decisions, won't communicate when we should, etc. I'm making one last attempt to see if she'll be willing to address the issues we have, but if it doesn't work, Fuxk it. I'll move on to the best years of my life - if it's with nobody, I'm good with that. But I'm certain I'll find someone if that happens, hopefully someone with some common sense who's willing to think about and address differences.

wow thats crazy that where are more of us then i thought even though its not the club i want to be part of but unfortunatly i am but not sure how much longer i can go on in the same situation being ignored when i am there im not paid attention to but when im gone i get your never home, doesnt care about me or my family doesnt show anykind of affection i feel like a stranger in my own home its terrible moving out seems the best answer but then i feel like a gave up and then ill have to live with that and all the " well if you wouldnt of left " before every sentence when we speak because we will deal with each other the rest of our lives or until or daughter is a old enough too avoid us both ?

Yeah, you're not alone. It's scary how identical your story is to my life. Like you "the saddest part of all is that the signs of this were there before we married"... I saw my future wife's behavior from one of our first dates. She started harassing me in front of an entire restaurant and I honestly thought "I should walk out right now" but I knew we came in my car and my brain told me it would be wrong to leave her stranded...<br />
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Now two years into marriage with a baby involved... I feel the same way that it would be wrong to leave her stranded. My wife never went to college, she doesn't even pull in $200 a week... she wouldn't last a month on her own even with child support... yet she still provokes me and I plea with her that I don't want to fight, after a long day I just want to relax!<br />
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But, I'm realizing just how miserable our lives are together. Our home is always a mess, I come home after working all day and have to clean because she claims "I was too busy today" then she elaborates that she was too busy snooping on the computer and found (yet another) thing that made her upset with me. She was mad because I went on a business trip the other week and google searched some activities in the area (one was the possibility of getting a massage) she called me a liar when I said I didn't get a massage. Then she suggested I must have got a "happy ending" to satisfy my urges. I mean, seriously? Even though we haven't had sex in months, I'm not going to rush over to the nearest massage parlor for a *******... Why does my wife treat me like a scumbag?<br />
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A reoccurring theme in our fights is money, but it's not arguments about not having enough money... it's arguments about her going on online shopping sprees while I am frugally saving every cent I can to MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER. She tells me it's the mans job to pay the bills and the womans job to buy the fun stuff. She bought herself a $200 Tiffany necklace just the other day and her explanation was "I work hard, I deserve it". Then today she bought a $200 "Vera Bradley" handbag her explanation this time (no surprise) because she was mad about the aforementioned "happy ending" which never took place. Why does my wife think I can afford this life style? I can barely pay the bills every month... <br />
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She never lived on her own... sometimes I wish I could just get a divorce so she could feel my pain. Bills are a struggle.Life's a struggle. My wife's spending sprees just add to the struggle.

There is a way. Ask her how can we dissolve this relation without hurting anybody. Possibly she will keep mum.She will not dare take the responsility.

As I read this, it reads like my life. Currently their is a 5 foot pile of laundry seeping into the kitchen. 5 kids and one on the way. When we need cloths each day we fish it out of baskets. It has been 8 years. She knows she should change, she doesn't care. Sex is like going to the bathroom. I have gained weight and hate myself. I should have realized this in the begining. If I bring it up, she will just leave me to with the kids. She is cold and selfish when I am home. When I am at work she gets to enjoy her TV, phone and facebook. When I come home the place is recked, the kids are without structure or guidence. I can't get a routine going, she simply doesn't care. She will start a fight and when I sucumb to yelling at her and pointing out everything that is not right, that is then used against me. Nothing returns to normal untill I play peace maker. I have no choice, the kids need it to be calm. I don't own a gun because I would shoot myself one day. I love my kids. That is why I am alive. I have gained 70 pounds. I have become someone who eats to feel better and drinks to block out the noise. I can't diet or excercise because I am surrounded by anarchy and do not have a partner to help me manage. I have a partner that is selfish, cold and sees no fault in themself. I hate my life. Thanks for this forum.

It makes me sad to read that so many ppl are so hurt And unhappy.... But thank all of u for sharing so we dont have to all feel so alone xxxxxx hugs for all of you...

Yeah I have a similar problem except with my wife I am not so sure she ever cared at all and that it was always one sided. We have a two year old daughter now and things have always been pretty rough but things are on the better side as long as I keep up a few things that can never change. My wife has to have her Tazo Chai tea, a pack of cigarettes a day and she needs alone time for breakfast, lunch, and after our daughter goes to sleep so she can go to her parents house and smoke weed. I am extremely tired of all of this and wish she could at least do one frickin thing to better herself to show me that she cares about me or our daughter even. I have been miserable ever since we got married. It seems everything got worse from the time we had our daughter really. I understand she had dealt with depression for a while before we were together and it came back during thebirth of our daughter but as of now and the past year and a half it has been over with completely. I know this because she is PERFECTLY fine as long as I keep up her chai, (wich includes milk and ice to make it) her smokes and let her smoke pot aaaall day pretty much. I want a family that includes my wife and not as an addict to anything. I can't do this much longer but I tell her how I feel and nothing budges her. I quit smoking myself for our daughter and havent for a great while, I only will smoke weed for a special occasion and if I am not to drive or see my daughter while high or even if I had smoked... that makes it about twice a year i'll smoke. I have been nagging and nagging and nagging to the point that my wife hates me just to try and help her quit or at least make her quit because she just doesnt want me to nag at her anymore and she just doesnt care about anything else but making sure she gets it every day as much as possible. Sometimes I dream of getting a divorce just so I can put this all behind me and not have something to bit ch about all of the time, literally going crazy here... -Sincerely... "B"

Ok You said you got your wife to go to counseling and that she only complained about nobody helping with the baby and you said that she has people she could ask but that she doesn't. My question about this is do you help? With the baby I mean. and maybe she doesn't feel these other people would help even if she asked. About the shoe thing too. Maybe she doesn't say anything more than once about it because she's afraid that it would be nagging and make you angry and what she really wants is you to (not mind read) but do it without her asking a hundered times because she's hopeing you will be considerate enough to remember. That makes some women feel like their men really care. (which I can see that you do, but maybe she doesn't) I am not saying these things to put the blame solely on you. It sounds as if you really do want things to get better and want to help it get better and I applaud your efforts. But it also seems like there is definately a lot going on with your wife. Another question I have is how old is the baby and did this problem come up or get worse before or after her birth? She may be going through some post pardom depression, which can actually last for quite awhile after the birth of a baby. In which case she needs to talk to a physician or psycologist. Thirdly as far as the house being a mess. I understand that you want her to take an active role in helping clean and keep house. That is partly her responsibility. But she may be feeling overwelmed. Some people who see a big mess, see it as a little problem and clean it up one piece at a time, others on the other hand see the mess as a huge obstacle and are not quite sure how to go about dealing with it. So they either don't do anything or they avoid it. One way to help with this problem is to set the person down and give them a small task. Write it out in detail if you have to.(Try not to make it to obvious though, where she feels like your telling her she's stupid, that will only make her angry not help.) Its kinda like taking baby steps. Don't force the whole thing on her at once, help her work her way up from the small things to the big things. And when I say help I don't just mean tell her to do it. Actually take an active part in it, when you are not working. And as far as communication goes. Try getting her to write you a letter if or vice versa if you can't manage to talk effectively to one another. It may relieve the pressure that face to face conversations can have. One other thing. At least once a week or every other week, one a evening when you are not working. You find a babysitter for your daughter and get your wife to go out on a date with you. Like before you were married. It doesn't have to be something fancy, just as long as you are doing it together and having a stress free good time, it may help to to build your communtication and realationship with one another into a stronger one than you have now. I hope all of these suggestions help. Don't give up just yet though, it has only been a year and a half. Trust me in this. I have been married to my spouse for almost 10 years now. We are happy, but we have our differences and problems just like most couples. Our marriage wasn't so great the first few years either. We fought a lot. We couldn't agree on anything or communicate well with one another either. But over time and with patience on both our parts we have become a solid unit. Solid enough that we usually know what the other is thinking and can even finish each others sentences occasionally. LOl. Again don't give up. It is never too late.

Unhappydude,<br />
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I am happy to have read your posting, simply because I thought i was the only one and that i was going crazy. I read it and just fell out of my chair. It look like something I wrote because it is my problem to the T but only difference, is we have 2 girls and going on 10 years of marriage. I think being blind in the beginning is what screwed me. Now i ask you, what do we do? I also hope for an out. Mine does laundry but doesnt complete it, she made claim that she doesnt cook and dont want to, I can work all day in the ot sun and come home to find myself to be the cook for a meal of the day. I see she does things without thinking and her excuse can be I forgot or I didnt think about it. I didnt grow up this way i want change but no luck. What do we do?

hello men....there are over 500 posts of women hating their mother in laws and disowning their husbands family entirely. They think they are protecting their children and they feel their husbands should stand up to their own mothers (causing a rift) to let their wives know that they are loved. Please read and comment. there is not one man's point of view on this matter. Please join it.

man, i totally empathize with you. it just reads like my experience. im glad i can share my experience with you. <br />
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its hard man, hard being a man now in this day and age. i am in the same situation (read my experience). i have a baby daughter. but now my wife has no respect for me and just makes me feel like bad all the time. im not a bad man, i work, do everything i can. sometimes i fall short but im human. my wife wants superhuman and i cant deliver that.<br />
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so i know how you feel. i don't know how i will get through this if i will survive but i hope can find peace and hapiness somehow one day. stick in there, breath in deep and hard it will get better soon one day.