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She Knows How Unhappy I Am. She Doesn't Care.

The stereotype is that women talk about their feelings and men are closed off.  Well it is the opposite with us.  When she does things that hurt me I try to let her know (assuming, foolishly I guess, that she cares whether she hurts me or not).  But if I do something that hurts her, she waits and saves it up as ammo, never giving me a chance to apologize or do better.

It's so frustrating because I would be willing to do so much for her if she was willing to do anything for me.  I work all day and come home to manage all the finances and do all the construction work to remodel our home.

We've been married a year and a half.  Things turned sour about two months into the marriage and have been there ever since.  We got pregnant accidentally (she was *sure* she knew when she ovulated, and like a world class chump I trusted her).  No, she didn't get pregnant on purpose, she's just bloody incompetent.

Everything she tries to do she fails.  She stays home all day, but the house is always a mess.  The most important thing to do, I said, is communicate with me, but she can't or won't.  So we just sail through life pretending everything is okay when it isn't.

I have really tried.  I hate my life so much.  I'm venting here because I don't have friends to talk to about this (I have friends, but I believe it's wrong to badmouth one's wife behind her back to one's friends).

I can't tell her how I *really* feel because it would just make her sad but never sad enough to change.  And even though I don't feel like I love her anymore, I guess I still do.  I mean I still try not to hurt her, I still try to fulfill all of my responsibilities, I still let her have her way in lots of things because I'm trying to be considerate.

I feel like I've done everything I can do, but nothing will make her do the things she *said* she would do.  She doesn't disagree that she should communicate with me or work on the relationship.  She just doesn't do it.

In the last 6 months we've probably had sex about 3 times, and that all clustered around a single "doing better" period.  But she stopped trying.

Or at least she stopped doing.  She says she tries really hard, but it's not the kind of effort that does anyone any good.  It's like trying to fly or have x-ray vision.  It doesn't work, try something else!

She has no suggestions at all on how to improve the situation.  I have to think of everything, she'll agree to what I say, but then not follow through at all.

I finally told her, just pick one thing, one thing to do and do properly.  I'd prefer it would be "communicate with husband" but that is apparently such a chore that she can't do it.  So she picked laundry.  She'd do the laundry and show she could do a single task.

Well she can't.  She did for a couple of days and fell right back into her haphazard routine.

What kind of person can't just get the laundry done, if they know that's what will help their marriage?  (Not that I care about laundry.  I just want to know that she can do something, *anything*, consisently!  Something to show I can trust her to do *anything* she says she will do!)

Before we had these problems, I'd have jumped in front of a bullet for her (and probably still would, even though I can't stand her now), but she can't even keep clothes off the bathroom floor to make me happy.

I've made changes.  I don't leave tools laying around anymore, I rinse all my dishes as soon as I've eaten, I put all my clothes in the hamper.  I've made so many adjustments out of consideration for her, but she hasn't changed anything for me since we've been married.

I don't believe in divorce, except for adultery.  I know that I will never leave her or cheat on her.  Sometimes I almost hope she'd cheat on me so I'd have an out though.  I coudn't be any more hurt anyway, she's made it clear by her actions that she doesn't care about me at all.  She says she does, but I know longer believe anything she says.  She's a liar.  But she believes what she says, because she's first lied to herself.

I love our daughter so much.  But I still wish she had never been conceived.  I feel so bad for her knowing she will grow up in a house where the parents don't get along.

I got her to go to counseling once, but she didn't open up to the counselor at all, she just talked about difficulties trying to take care of the baby and keep the house.  So of course she got advice on how to deal with that.

Well I really don't need to pay for therapy if she's going to hide all her thoughts and feelings from the therapist just like she does with me.  She would be more than capable of taking care of the baby and managing the house if she wasn't so stupid!  She complains that no one helps with the baby, but she has people that can, she just doesn't ask them.

Most of the stuff she complains about, she has control over.

The stuff she doesn't like about me is all stuff I would be fine to change if she would help at all.  But she won't.  For example, let's say I always leave me shoes on the floor in the living room and she doesn't like that.  She'll let me do it for months before saying anything, then I'll try to change, but forget because it's a habit and she won't say anything again for months, then it's all built up.  She then gets mad for not caring about her feelings, but from my point of view if she really cared why wouldn't she try to help me remember?  It makes me think she doesn't really care.  Well if she doesn't care, why should I?  But if she'd just say "don't forget about your shoes" a few times, I could break the habit.  But I have to do it 100% on my own.

Whereas with her, I have tried leaving her to do it on her own, or trying to help remind her gently, and it all makes no difference.  She doesn't even disagree with the change I request, she says she agrees she should change her behavior, but then she doesn't.

I'm just so sick of it.  At the beginning, I feel things could have been fixed.  Now I feel like we've gone way past the point of no return.  Even if she fixed the things I wanted her to fix, I'll know for the rest of my life that she was fine to let me be utterly miserable and hate my life for a year and a half.

If she was unhappy and I could do something to fix it, nothing would stop me.  But she has no suggestions whatever for what I can do to fix things.  Because she knows it's all her.  Whereas I can tell her exactly what she could do to make me happy but she won't do it.

She *won't*.

The saddest part of all is that the signs of this were there before we married but I believed what she said instead of how she acted and so now I am trapped.  I feel like a great fool because I should have known but I was blinded by love.

Now not only am I unhappy now but the years of happiness we did have while dating have been washed away, replaced by bitterness.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

And my daughter will probably pay a bigger price than I.  But at least my wife loves my daughter and takes care of her, mostly.  But she loved me once, too.

unhappydude unhappydude 31-35 14 Responses Mar 5, 2008

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In the same boat, i understand how you feel.

I'm not the only one! I do everything for my wife she is lazy and her and her family call me selfish, when I do the laundry I clean the house I take my wife to her docters appointments and she doesn't give me anything in return not even a thank you, she does not work she sits at home all day and watches tv, if something needs done around the house she waits until I get off of my 12 hour shifts and makes me do it. Like you I'm trapped I want a divorce but can't live with the regret nor do I beleive in it, I try to make it work but when we talk she says "I don't know" or I will fix it and then not fix a damn thing I changed for my wife thinking things would get better, but they only have gotten worse. Because she will not change. I feel like I'm going crazy be wise I feel I'm the only one that uses commen sence, I have told my wife she hurts me she doesn't care, my wife does not even ecknowlege me when I'm around we do t have sex ever, and every time I try to get away she says I don't care, I went to councelors and they are all wondering what can be do e to fix it and I never get a salution. I'm only 21 have been married a year and a half, life wasn't like this before we were married, but as soon as I put a ring on it she clinged to her mom and will not grow up and see she has a husband who cares and loves her, and I'm at the end of my rope because I'm starting to feel she will never change, I'm trapped, I'm just waiting for advice.

haha

Nobody can help you... she will blame you that you are perfectionist ...she staying with you because of your money you are bringing to home...sorry I'm in same position... roots of her behavior is some where else ... if you can deal with stay with her but your life gonna be worse and worse...sorry for that !

Don't wait for her to change find another interest that makes you happy and don't change let her guess if you care for awhile I went to vegas twice with two friends all I think about now those two week of peace and didn't cheat what did I do wrong tool back some of my life it doesn't have to be vegas it's your life to

I'm likely older than you guys (58), but have the same issue. I'm in my second marriage, the third for my wife. We dated, lived together, etc for 16 years since my first marriage soured me on marriage. But finally we did it. Since then, unbelievably, things have gone south. Simply put, my wife is a quitter. Since we've been together she's walked out on 3 jobs without having another. I should have seen this coming. She is employed as a secretary at the high school, making a nominal wage while I've toughed it out in some extremely difficult positions, but kept moving forward. She makes bad decisions, won't communicate when we should, etc. I'm making one last attempt to see if she'll be willing to address the issues we have, but if it doesn't work, Fuxk it. I'll move on to the best years of my life - if it's with nobody, I'm good with that. But I'm certain I'll find someone if that happens, hopefully someone with some common sense who's willing to think about and address differences.

wow thats crazy that where are more of us then i thought even though its not the club i want to be part of but unfortunatly i am but not sure how much longer i can go on in the same situation being ignored when i am there im not paid attention to but when im gone i get your never home, doesnt care about me or my family doesnt show anykind of affection i feel like a stranger in my own home its terrible moving out seems the best answer but then i feel like a gave up and then ill have to live with that and all the " well if you wouldnt of left " before every sentence when we speak because we will deal with each other the rest of our lives or until or daughter is a old enough too avoid us both ?

Yeah, you're not alone. It's scary how identical your story is to my life. Like you "the saddest part of all is that the signs of this were there before we married"... I saw my future wife's behavior from one of our first dates. She started harassing me in front of an entire restaurant and I honestly thought "I should walk out right now" but I knew we came in my car and my brain told me it would be wrong to leave her stranded...<br />
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Now two years into marriage with a baby involved... I feel the same way that it would be wrong to leave her stranded. My wife never went to college, she doesn't even pull in $200 a week... she wouldn't last a month on her own even with child support... yet she still provokes me and I plea with her that I don't want to fight, after a long day I just want to relax!<br />
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But, I'm realizing just how miserable our lives are together. Our home is always a mess, I come home after working all day and have to clean because she claims "I was too busy today" then she elaborates that she was too busy snooping on the computer and found (yet another) thing that made her upset with me. She was mad because I went on a business trip the other week and google searched some activities in the area (one was the possibility of getting a massage) she called me a liar when I said I didn't get a massage. Then she suggested I must have got a "happy ending" to satisfy my urges. I mean, seriously? Even though we haven't had sex in months, I'm not going to rush over to the nearest massage parlor for a *******... Why does my wife treat me like a scumbag?<br />
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A reoccurring theme in our fights is money, but it's not arguments about not having enough money... it's arguments about her going on online shopping sprees while I am frugally saving every cent I can to MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER. She tells me it's the mans job to pay the bills and the womans job to buy the fun stuff. She bought herself a $200 Tiffany necklace just the other day and her explanation was "I work hard, I deserve it". Then today she bought a $200 "Vera Bradley" handbag her explanation this time (no surprise) because she was mad about the aforementioned "happy ending" which never took place. Why does my wife think I can afford this life style? I can barely pay the bills every month... <br />
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She never lived on her own... sometimes I wish I could just get a divorce so she could feel my pain. Bills are a struggle.Life's a struggle. My wife's spending sprees just add to the struggle.

There is a way. Ask her how can we dissolve this relation without hurting anybody. Possibly she will keep mum.She will not dare take the responsility.

As I read this, it reads like my life. Currently their is a 5 foot pile of laundry seeping into the kitchen. 5 kids and one on the way. When we need cloths each day we fish it out of baskets. It has been 8 years. She knows she should change, she doesn't care. Sex is like going to the bathroom. I have gained weight and hate myself. I should have realized this in the begining. If I bring it up, she will just leave me to with the kids. She is cold and selfish when I am home. When I am at work she gets to enjoy her TV, phone and facebook. When I come home the place is recked, the kids are without structure or guidence. I can't get a routine going, she simply doesn't care. She will start a fight and when I sucumb to yelling at her and pointing out everything that is not right, that is then used against me. Nothing returns to normal untill I play peace maker. I have no choice, the kids need it to be calm. I don't own a gun because I would shoot myself one day. I love my kids. That is why I am alive. I have gained 70 pounds. I have become someone who eats to feel better and drinks to block out the noise. I can't diet or excercise because I am surrounded by anarchy and do not have a partner to help me manage. I have a partner that is selfish, cold and sees no fault in themself. I hate my life. Thanks for this forum.

Yeah I have a similar problem except with my wife I am not so sure she ever cared at all and that it was always one sided. We have a two year old daughter now and things have always been pretty rough but things are on the better side as long as I keep up a few things that can never change. My wife has to have her Tazo Chai tea, a pack of cigarettes a day and she needs alone time for breakfast, lunch, and after our daughter goes to sleep so she can go to her parents house and smoke weed. I am extremely tired of all of this and wish she could at least do one frickin thing to better herself to show me that she cares about me or our daughter even. I have been miserable ever since we got married. It seems everything got worse from the time we had our daughter really. I understand she had dealt with depression for a while before we were together and it came back during thebirth of our daughter but as of now and the past year and a half it has been over with completely. I know this because she is PERFECTLY fine as long as I keep up her chai, (wich includes milk and ice to make it) her smokes and let her smoke pot aaaall day pretty much. I want a family that includes my wife and not as an addict to anything. I can't do this much longer but I tell her how I feel and nothing budges her. I quit smoking myself for our daughter and havent for a great while, I only will smoke weed for a special occasion and if I am not to drive or see my daughter while high or even if I had smoked... that makes it about twice a year i'll smoke. I have been nagging and nagging and nagging to the point that my wife hates me just to try and help her quit or at least make her quit because she just doesnt want me to nag at her anymore and she just doesnt care about anything else but making sure she gets it every day as much as possible. Sometimes I dream of getting a divorce just so I can put this all behind me and not have something to bit ch about all of the time, literally going crazy here... -Sincerely... "B"

Ok You said you got your wife to go to counseling and that she only complained about nobody helping with the baby and you said that she has people she could ask but that she doesn't. My question about this is do you help? With the baby I mean. and maybe she doesn't feel these other people would help even if she asked. About the shoe thing too. Maybe she doesn't say anything more than once about it because she's afraid that it would be nagging and make you angry and what she really wants is you to (not mind read) but do it without her asking a hundered times because she's hopeing you will be considerate enough to remember. That makes some women feel like their men really care. (which I can see that you do, but maybe she doesn't) I am not saying these things to put the blame solely on you. It sounds as if you really do want things to get better and want to help it get better and I applaud your efforts. But it also seems like there is definately a lot going on with your wife. Another question I have is how old is the baby and did this problem come up or get worse before or after her birth? She may be going through some post pardom depression, which can actually last for quite awhile after the birth of a baby. In which case she needs to talk to a physician or psycologist. Thirdly as far as the house being a mess. I understand that you want her to take an active role in helping clean and keep house. That is partly her responsibility. But she may be feeling overwelmed. Some people who see a big mess, see it as a little problem and clean it up one piece at a time, others on the other hand see the mess as a huge obstacle and are not quite sure how to go about dealing with it. So they either don't do anything or they avoid it. One way to help with this problem is to set the person down and give them a small task. Write it out in detail if you have to.(Try not to make it to obvious though, where she feels like your telling her she's stupid, that will only make her angry not help.) Its kinda like taking baby steps. Don't force the whole thing on her at once, help her work her way up from the small things to the big things. And when I say help I don't just mean tell her to do it. Actually take an active part in it, when you are not working. And as far as communication goes. Try getting her to write you a letter if or vice versa if you can't manage to talk effectively to one another. It may relieve the pressure that face to face conversations can have. One other thing. At least once a week or every other week, one a evening when you are not working. You find a babysitter for your daughter and get your wife to go out on a date with you. Like before you were married. It doesn't have to be something fancy, just as long as you are doing it together and having a stress free good time, it may help to to build your communtication and realationship with one another into a stronger one than you have now. I hope all of these suggestions help. Don't give up just yet though, it has only been a year and a half. Trust me in this. I have been married to my spouse for almost 10 years now. We are happy, but we have our differences and problems just like most couples. Our marriage wasn't so great the first few years either. We fought a lot. We couldn't agree on anything or communicate well with one another either. But over time and with patience on both our parts we have become a solid unit. Solid enough that we usually know what the other is thinking and can even finish each others sentences occasionally. LOl. Again don't give up. It is never too late.

Unhappydude,<br />
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I am happy to have read your posting, simply because I thought i was the only one and that i was going crazy. I read it and just fell out of my chair. It look like something I wrote because it is my problem to the T but only difference, is we have 2 girls and going on 10 years of marriage. I think being blind in the beginning is what screwed me. Now i ask you, what do we do? I also hope for an out. Mine does laundry but doesnt complete it, she made claim that she doesnt cook and dont want to, I can work all day in the ot sun and come home to find myself to be the cook for a meal of the day. I see she does things without thinking and her excuse can be I forgot or I didnt think about it. I didnt grow up this way i want change but no luck. What do we do?

hello men....there are over 500 posts of women hating their mother in laws and disowning their husbands family entirely. They think they are protecting their children and they feel their husbands should stand up to their own mothers (causing a rift) to let their wives know that they are loved. Please read and comment. there is not one man's point of view on this matter. Please join it.

man, i totally empathize with you. it just reads like my experience. im glad i can share my experience with you. <br />
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its hard man, hard being a man now in this day and age. i am in the same situation (read my experience). i have a baby daughter. but now my wife has no respect for me and just makes me feel like bad all the time. im not a bad man, i work, do everything i can. sometimes i fall short but im human. my wife wants superhuman and i cant deliver that.<br />
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so i know how you feel. i don't know how i will get through this if i will survive but i hope can find peace and hapiness somehow one day. stick in there, breath in deep and hard it will get better soon one day.