She Knows How Unhappy I Am. She Doesn't Care.
The stereotype is that women talk about their feelings and men are closed off. Well it is the opposite with us. When she does things that hurt me I try to let her know (assuming, foolishly I guess, that she cares whether she hurts me or not). But if I do something that hurts her, she waits and saves it up as ammo, never giving me a chance to apologize or do better.
It's so frustrating because I would be willing to do so much for her if she was willing to do anything for me. I work all day and come home to manage all the finances and do all the construction work to remodel our home.
We've been married a year and a half. Things turned sour about two months into the marriage and have been there ever since. We got pregnant accidentally (she was *sure* she knew when she ovulated, and like a world class chump I trusted her). No, she didn't get pregnant on purpose, she's just bloody incompetent.
Everything she tries to do she fails. She stays home all day, but the house is always a mess. The most important thing to do, I said, is communicate with me, but she can't or won't. So we just sail through life pretending everything is okay when it isn't.
I have really tried. I hate my life so much. I'm venting here because I don't have friends to talk to about this (I have friends, but I believe it's wrong to badmouth one's wife behind her back to one's friends).
I can't tell her how I *really* feel because it would just make her sad but never sad enough to change. And even though I don't feel like I love her anymore, I guess I still do. I mean I still try not to hurt her, I still try to fulfill all of my responsibilities, I still let her have her way in lots of things because I'm trying to be considerate.
I feel like I've done everything I can do, but nothing will make her do the things she *said* she would do. She doesn't disagree that she should communicate with me or work on the relationship. She just doesn't do it.
In the last 6 months we've probably had sex about 3 times, and that all clustered around a single "doing better" period. But she stopped trying.
Or at least she stopped doing. She says she tries really hard, but it's not the kind of effort that does anyone any good. It's like trying to fly or have x-ray vision. It doesn't work, try something else!
She has no suggestions at all on how to improve the situation. I have to think of everything, she'll agree to what I say, but then not follow through at all.
I finally told her, just pick one thing, one thing to do and do properly. I'd prefer it would be "communicate with husband" but that is apparently such a chore that she can't do it. So she picked laundry. She'd do the laundry and show she could do a single task.
Well she can't. She did for a couple of days and fell right back into her haphazard routine.
What kind of person can't just get the laundry done, if they know that's what will help their marriage? (Not that I care about laundry. I just want to know that she can do something, *anything*, consisently! Something to show I can trust her to do *anything* she says she will do!)
Before we had these problems, I'd have jumped in front of a bullet for her (and probably still would, even though I can't stand her now), but she can't even keep clothes off the bathroom floor to make me happy.
I've made changes. I don't leave tools laying around anymore, I rinse all my dishes as soon as I've eaten, I put all my clothes in the hamper. I've made so many adjustments out of consideration for her, but she hasn't changed anything for me since we've been married.
I don't believe in divorce, except for adultery. I know that I will never leave her or cheat on her. Sometimes I almost hope she'd cheat on me so I'd have an out though. I coudn't be any more hurt anyway, she's made it clear by her actions that she doesn't care about me at all. She says she does, but I know longer believe anything she says. She's a liar. But she believes what she says, because she's first lied to herself.
I love our daughter so much. But I still wish she had never been conceived. I feel so bad for her knowing she will grow up in a house where the parents don't get along.
I got her to go to counseling once, but she didn't open up to the counselor at all, she just talked about difficulties trying to take care of the baby and keep the house. So of course she got advice on how to deal with that.
Well I really don't need to pay for therapy if she's going to hide all her thoughts and feelings from the therapist just like she does with me. She would be more than capable of taking care of the baby and managing the house if she wasn't so stupid! She complains that no one helps with the baby, but she has people that can, she just doesn't ask them.
Most of the stuff she complains about, she has control over.
The stuff she doesn't like about me is all stuff I would be fine to change if she would help at all. But she won't. For example, let's say I always leave me shoes on the floor in the living room and she doesn't like that. She'll let me do it for months before saying anything, then I'll try to change, but forget because it's a habit and she won't say anything again for months, then it's all built up. She then gets mad for not caring about her feelings, but from my point of view if she really cared why wouldn't she try to help me remember? It makes me think she doesn't really care. Well if she doesn't care, why should I? But if she'd just say "don't forget about your shoes" a few times, I could break the habit. But I have to do it 100% on my own.
Whereas with her, I have tried leaving her to do it on her own, or trying to help remind her gently, and it all makes no difference. She doesn't even disagree with the change I request, she says she agrees she should change her behavior, but then she doesn't.
I'm just so sick of it. At the beginning, I feel things could have been fixed. Now I feel like we've gone way past the point of no return. Even if she fixed the things I wanted her to fix, I'll know for the rest of my life that she was fine to let me be utterly miserable and hate my life for a year and a half.
If she was unhappy and I could do something to fix it, nothing would stop me. But she has no suggestions whatever for what I can do to fix things. Because she knows it's all her. Whereas I can tell her exactly what she could do to make me happy but she won't do it.
The saddest part of all is that the signs of this were there before we married but I believed what she said instead of how she acted and so now I am trapped. I feel like a great fool because I should have known but I was blinded by love.
Now not only am I unhappy now but the years of happiness we did have while dating have been washed away, replaced by bitterness.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
And my daughter will probably pay a bigger price than I. But at least my wife loves my daughter and takes care of her, mostly. But she loved me once, too.