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I Can't Stand Her Anymore.

We're together 15 years but since having kids I can't stand her anymore. We disagree on everything and she is stubborn, pig headed and so independent that we can't have discussions about how to handle things with the kids anymore because they escalate into arguments.This is coupled with a quantity over quality approach...everything is slap dash and I pick up the mess left behind. She is downright argumentitive and its gone beyond not loving her anymore and growing to resentment and hate. I want to tell her so badly but I know if I do she won't be able to handle it and I fear things may become a legal process very quickly. The thing is that I will not leave my kids...although I would be quite happy for her to leave, but the legal processes still favour mothers desipte the choices of some mothers to favour a career over being a stay at home mum. I have taken the decision that there is no way out of this other than her finding someone else it which circumstances I may have some legal leverage. (this all sounds so underhand which I'm really not proud of) Rather than that I am looking for ways in which to ride out the storm until the kids are old enough not to be scarred for life. Trouble is thats at least 17 years left to go!!!!!! My aim is to create a subtle drift between us where our interests and work will lead to less time together and lots of happy days apart!!! It's not about meeting anyone else for me either because I am determined and committed to staying with my children and I don't want them to be hurt by not growing up with either mum or dad. I see many others with similar experiences so it's comforting to know that I'm not alone.  
spudgun74 spudgun74 36-40 17 Responses Dec 12, 2011

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Haha where do i start my story, well in 2010 i met the lady we dated 2 weeks n got married, she helped me get my citizenship n we have 2 wonder child plus 1 in the way, i was 20 than and she was 24 now 24 and 28, i knew b4 we got married zhe was angry bitter strong person that would not change for anyone and always angry always i worked 70 hours a week bc she makes no effort to work so i can be home more, so i stopped caring for her, sometimes being so lonely N sad at nights i would go to a ***** club or pick up hookers to look for some happiness or release but as always we both foght alot she made me lose my family and friends and now i feel like **** bc i have. been sad and unloved for 4 yeara i shouldn't had gotten married early it was a fake love now i have 3 daughters to love i cant leave cause she wont make effort to move on, i finally found someone to talk and goin through the same i like her its first time in years i been real happy we aint dating or getting marries but she makes me feel wanted my wife and i hate each other i cant do thia for my kids no more i jut need to leave and she needs to grow up n take care of life cause i cant go pass this summer here, i need to reset from bottom with my babies, omg so much to say of the past 4 year i need to write a book of a unloved marriage

My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years, and living together for two. We are both in our 50s and have both had previous marriages that went south. We would have been married by now but we have needed the financial support that her ex provides her. I wish that I earned enough to overcome it, but I lost a 30-year career due to declining eyesight, and while I have recently finished my college degree, at age 57 jobs offers have yet to come.

We used to have a great relationship but there are some disturbing trends developing and I am questioning them. For one, my fiancee wants me to like her family and friends, and yet she so far has found every reason in the book not to like anyone that I have known my whole life.

She is also very unforgiving. A troubled nephew of mine stayed with us for a short time, something that she was opposed to. Of course, it didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. From her perspective I should dump him for the rest of my life, and because I am not willing to, she is claiming that I don't love her.

The kid had a very rotten life. His dad died in a motorcycle accident and his mom was a very neglectful drug addict. His other uncles, aunts, and I have tried hard to help him when he needed help, even though none of us are well off, as we don't want to see him end up dead.

Anyway, I have kept in-touch with the kid just by text since he left here, something that my fiancee is very upset about. As a result I have kept a couple things from her as I am not about to dump my nephew for life, and I am trying to avoid her what I feel to be unreasonable anger over my relationship with him.

Even though he now lives 1300 miles away I did buy him a $60 Christmas gift, which my fiancee was mad as all get-out about. The kid was out of work for 10 straight months after he left here, staying at another uncle's house. Finally he got a job as a cook at a restaurant there a week ago. The only problem was that he needed some clothing for work and his other uncle was couldn't afford to help him with it.

So I ordered him $60 worth of clothing from Walmart online and sent it to him, and I didn't tell my fiancee because I was afraid of her what I feel to be unreasonable anger and her unforgiving nature. Wouldn't you know it, as I left the order form on my desk in my office and my fiancee, bringing mail into my office, found it.

She is accusing me of blowing her trust, lying to her, omitting the truth, and now dredging up every little perceived hurt from our past together. She claims that I lied to her when she asked me what this clothing order for XL shirts was, and I said that I didn't know.

Frankly I didn't know until she added that I bought it from Walmart, and then she added for my nephew. She outright refused to allow him to apologize for his bad behavior and doesn't even want to see him again nor wants me to ever have anything to do with him either, or I don't love her?

This isn't going to work. Every one of my close friends she has wanted me to stop seeing, and now she is working her way through my family too, and yet I am not allowed to say anything negative at all about her friends or family?

Her attitude is that once someone does something wrong to her that she isn't willing to give them another chance. Of course, that rule doesn't apply to her kids, or to her kid's spouses, girlfriends, or even to their friends either, no, it only applies to my friends and now my family.

It has been a beautiful relationship about 98% of the time until recently, and now we have been fighting for 3 days straight over the $60 worth of work clothing that I bought my nephew for his new job, behind her back.

What the heck lady, I am not about to dump my 22 year old nephew when he needs my help, and while I love you, I feel what you are doing in-regard to him and to my involvement with him and his needs is abusive.

So, where do we go from here? Do I continue to cower to her abusive demands, do I tell her what I am doing even though doing so will cause another huge argument, do I dump my nephew over a single negative event with no chance ever that he can apologize and make up for it, or, do I look for someone else who is a little more forgiving and who isn't looking for the first possible excuse to dump everyone that I know?

I´m riding the same boat. To me my wife is a damn detective and I am the one she is looking for.
When we met we were both in an emotional slump, her just divorced, and me just being unable to have a relationship. So we met and began to date a few months later. I had a room mate that was renting a room for me. My home was pretty well contioned for a single man, it had the basics for 2 guys to live their lives without getting in their way. But then my gf (now wife) moved in with me. She became autoritative and demanded for the bills to go down, even when she wasnt paying for them, and when I told her that if she wanted something to happen at home to set the cash loose, she was infuriated. Anyways I let that pass and then we got married, and then the real problems began. I´m a Mess, but I know how to take care of my mess and where I leave things. She has to be extra tidy just in order to keep track of EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DETAIL. Now we have 2 kids, If I DARE say im taking the kids, out come the checklist of things that have to be done before i can take the kid out and have fun with him. "And what if, and what if, and what if and what if" thats her favorite word. Im so sick of her trying to prevent every single thing that can happen . She is intolerant to mistakes, she can get a jar of peanutbutter and expect for it to still be there when she gets a craving 2 months after it has been bought and goes in flames when it isn´t. For Christmas some friends gave us some muffins. And they looked delicios, but they came neatly in a box, so I thought to myself, Im not gonna touch a single one of them and I bet my right arm that by the time she wants some, they are going to be stale. And so it happened. She was so mad when she found out they were stale and so mad when I told her I was expecting that to happen just for her to see how she behaves. SInce my family lives out of town we spend one christmas at my parents´place and another one at hers, but my father has been ill and needs a kidney transplant. And he might get it this year. And since not always things go as planned I told her that perhaps this could be the last x mas I would spend with my father so i wanted to spend it there. She "agreed", and our inlaws promised to spend x mas at our place. New Years eve came and I called my inlaws to ask them what time to expect them and they said they would not come since their NEIGHBOR had died and they were going to the service...so I told my wife and she said that they knew them for a long time and all that, and then I sad, ok, perhaps after the service they can come to our place. Well my inlaws said no, because they felt the weather was inappropriate for driving. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I got mad as hell and in the process damaged one of our car keys, which I am in the process of ordering back, and I hid the broken ones because i knew hell would break lose if she found out I broke them in anger, Afterwards the maid found the broken set and handed it to my wife and said "Are you sure the keys are missing?" So I told her "so you found them". So she asked me why would I lie to her about something about that, I told her that it was because She goes ballistic over any single stupid mistake I make and I would rather tell a lie over a lie over a lie over a lie to have a little peace and quiet, but brother she is persistent, she has to dig deeeeeeeeep and unbury the truth and prove she is right she just wont leave me alone. Its like living with my mother for god´s sakes.

I hope everything works out for you.

I too can't stand my wife. She is a physician and makes more money than I so took it upon herself to control all of our finances. I know couples fight when there is a lack of money but we fight and we have a lot of money! Our expenses every month is low; mortgage less than $2000/mo. and both cars paid off. I make about $60k a year and put all the money in our joint checking account. In turn she gives me $40/mo allowance. Yeah, there are teenagers that get more allowance than that.

She doesn't cook, clean and we haven't had sex for 7 years. She bathes twice a week which I think is odd for someone who works in an healthcare field. Shouldn't she be more contentious about hygiene when she works with sick people?

She won't see a marriage counselor so I end up going by myself. She has threatened divorce if I don't do things her way. I have decided to just let her go if she decides to leave.

OMG, leave her! She is a nightmarish train wreck. She will never change, and you will resent yourself for hoping and waiting for her to change. Be upfront about your motivation for leaving, but you have every right to be infuriated for how she subjugates you. Good luck, have courage, and LOVE YOURSELF enough to grant yourself freedom.

Hello. I am a wife who my husband doesn't want to be with anymore. He is so angry with me all the time. We have been married twenty six years. He used to love me to bits. So much I guess I took him for granted? But he works such long hours, drinks so much and went away on business so much. I got depressed over losing several pregnancies ten years ago. I was desperate for a daughter. Someone to talk to. I have three sons. He offered to give up work and get a nanny and help look after me and have another baby. We were so close then. And I didn't want him to have to choose work over me. He has no time to speak to me during the day. Leaves at Five am and returns at nine, wanting to drink and go to bed at ten. He likes aggressive exercise and says we have nothing in common anymore. I tried to help him set up new businesses, I work from home myself. But now he has left. I had an emotional affair that got physical. I admitted it when he said he was leaving. He said I was being so nice to him, but he'd had one night stands, desperate for physical affection. I said don't worry, I had been unfaithful too, it was my fault. I think a sixty year marriage without indiscretions is quite a tall order. But I wld never do it again. It is a sign of desperation. He then said he client get over my affair just yet and may never and left. Inlet him come home weekends for a year. And we text and email every day. Usually me stalking him. But I was trying to say sorry. He left believing I didn't love him. I raised my bar ninety percent. Lost two stone, always look amazing, do everything in the house, with the kids, clean the cars frantically. I have changed every little physical thing he complained of. But he is so sensitive and can take no form of criticism, like I count when I was depressed. Some jokes he likes, ' you always make me laugh" and some hit a nerve and I am trying to learn his pressure buttons. He lost thousands on another business venture this year, but I didn't stop him, I thought our marriage was more important. He fell in love with his best friends wife in April, so has lost two good mates now. It has been very devicive. I got tough before Xmas, admitting defeat and said ok, I am done. He chucked his girlfriend, came home for two days, promising to give it his best shot. Told the kids and close family. I was prepared to be patient as I know how painful love and affairs are. They are stronger than you. He wldnt sleep in our bed, said he needed time, agreed to come home at weekends, go to counselling, spend one night a week at his place in town together, he wld give it his best shot, indefinitely, be committed. I reintegrated him into my wider family over Xmas, they welcomed him. He said it was lovely, I had worked so hard, made so much effort, but his blood started to boil when I cldnt read the map, he knew he wld never love me again, never get over my indiscretion, and he wanted a divorce. He told me an hour before we were due to go on a family holiday for new year.

I know he is in a bad place. And it sounds like it is too late for us. One week he says if I contact him again he will get a court order. The next he wants to come home. This is the second time in a year he has said "maybe we can go back to the fantastic marriage we had three years ago". That lasted five hours until his girlfriend texted. He used to be so honourable, kind, gentle, religious, decent. He earns too much money, it has gone to his head.

Anyway to you boys out there who hate your wives, tell them. Tell them every little thing that upsets you and how it makes you feel. Tell them you want to leave, you are desperate and miserable. And then listen to her. I buried my head in the sand thinking if I helped him start another business we wld have more quiet time together. I have done everything I can. My children say "why do u want him back", but when I love something I love it for ever and I know an unreconciled future will bread hatred and resentment on my part.

It is so much easier for her to take the child out on the bike, while u do the washing up, than have u leave. I wld have done it a thousand times over if I had known.

So you men that can't bear to be in the same rooms as your wife, if she had a metamorphosis, do you think your feelings wld ever change?

Any comments accepted, however tough.

Hello,

I hope just joined this website so you may never read this. I just wanted to say that I hope things have gotten better in your relationship. You sound like a very nice and sincere person. I can tell that you really love your husband.

Thank you for the advice. However my wife doesn't care to change. She too makes a lot of money and is a very controlling person. I do all the cooking and cleaning at home in addition to working over 40 hours a week.

She doesn't want to change and refuses to see a marriage counselor so I end up going alone.

I wish you well.

Hello to You all here,<br />
Im from UK and, in a similar situation, got two lovley little Girls, and a wife<br />
who Im starting to resent more and more.<br />
Married 13 yrs .....although Im begining to question how I can tolerate the<br />
endless and pointless disagreements over EVERY single thing.<br />
Its just exhausting, Im a pretty easy going Guy , but I have this women in My life that I do not understand anymore.<br />
I wonder when she changed into this person?! i know its been a gradual process, but Im at the stage when I take the Kids to school , I dread the whole time Shes around.<br />
I work offshore so when Im home I like to make the most of the time<br />
but to be honest, its easier earning the wages, than having to go through this when I get back.<br />
She even started on at Me over straws for the kids drinks at the drive thru?!<br />
the last straw.....marriage some compromise?! <br />
Familiarity / contempt.

Here is something that just happened and I have to share it with y'all. <br />
<br />
My wife sees the neighbors teaching their daughter how to ride a bike. I am cleaning the kitchen. My wife says to our daughter...come here quick, Caitlynn is learning to rife her bike. Do you want to learn how to rife your bike now? Yes, I want to mommy. Mommy runs to the garage to get the bike brings it into the house. My daughter is super excited now. My wife, stops at the kitchen and say can you do this? I said no, I am cleaning the kitchen. My wife rolls her eyes and throws a fit. Ok then, I will do it! This is a dad and daughter thing! You should be doing it! (There is the guilt aspect thrown in.) I went out and did it. Because I did not want to deal with her BS! Anyway, enjoy your weekend everyone!

I'm guessing she is much like my wife. I know guys joke about always saying she is right but that is bs. It's a personality disorder if you ask me. My wife can never be wrong and she would rather stick a needle in her eye than admit that she is wrong. Why the hell is that? Insecurity? No real communication can ever happen in a lot of marriages because the wife is such a monster. But still, the whole world will be on her side no matter what.

It's comforting to find other men in the same situation as I am.<br />
We've been together for 12 years, married for 11, with a 10 year old son. I've stayed in the marriage for him. My wife has been nothing but ignorant, cold and heartless for the past several years, and especially the last 6 months! <br />
And as for her mannerisms, oh lord! This woman used to be sexy, hot, beautiful, polite. Now, she sneezes like a man, blows her nose like a drug addict, ***** 5 times a day and feels proud of the fact! I was relaxing this morning before going to work, in the living room, heater on, lights on, curtains closed, and she just walks in, opens the curtains and turns the lights off! No consideration for what I was doing! That in itself set me up for feeling angry the whole day!<br />
It's gotten to the point that I can't stand to be in the same room as her!<br />
She spends more time sleeping with our son than me, and that in itself is ******* me off!<br />
<br />
I just had a great week away with a home business I'm involved with, in the Bahamas. I had ample opportunity to cheat if I wanted it, but chose to stay faithful. God only knows why though - my wife hasn't touched me in so long, I started fantasizing about a woman I met last week simply because she hugged me!<br />
<br />
Nothing I do makes any difference with her. If I try to bring issues up for discussion, she thinks I'm just complaining and starts talking over the top of me or starts making a ton of noise to drown me out!<br />
<br />
It's gotten to the point where I'm ready for leaving, kids or no kids. My son knows the situation and I've assured him he'll be able to stay with me whenever he wants. <br />
<br />
Furthermore, I think she's had an affair which has recently ended. All the signs were there, and now, suddenly, she's gone back to her old self. Well, I am past the point of caring. <br />
<br />
Reading the stories of you guys above, it's a relief to know I'm not the only man going through this!<br />
There IS a decent woman out there for us guys, we just have to be patient and selective. Don't rush anything. <br />
<br />
You owe it to yourself, I owe it to myself, to have the best in life you can! And that includes a supportive marriage where your wife is your best friend forever!!

Funny how women say that men stole the best years of their lives. <br />
<br />
Start socking away money NOW. If you need inexpensive legal assistance email me. You come first. Either way, your kids will suffer. Get out.

Funny how women say that men stole the best years of their lives. <br />
<br />
Start socking away money NOW. If you need inexpensive legal assistance email me. You come first. Either way, your kids will suffer. Get out.

From the sounds of your story, your wife psychologically controls you. And not only psychologically...<br />
You see, you lived together for 17 years, and she knows how much you cherish your kids. And that is why her behaviour is so abusive and agressive.<br />
She knows you will try to stay calm and do the best for your children, no matter what **** comes out of her mouth.<br />
I am not sure what would solve that issue, but I am sure something could be done.<br />
Basically, you have to make it clear for her who's the leader in your nice little microsocium. She's pushing you around because she thinks she's the one in power.

Power? Not sure if imposing your "will" with power could possibly solve anything. Step one is understanding or at least be willing to understand your wifes reasons for her behavior.

Very true sweetangel46740. Here is the problem that our CRAZY wife's have....They think all women are like them. I hear "It's normal!" or "All women are like that!" when I question my wife on what she says/does. Example....My wife believed that she can treat her friends better than me. She thought it was normal because she lives with me and has the right to treat me like crap. During this time she would say "All women are like that" or "My friends are the same way". Well, after one of the therapist that we saw said, that was not the way...You treat your spouse better than you would treat anyone else. (WINNING! :) She gave in. One small victory for me! <br />
<br />
On a similar note...I have found out that my wife needs to make me look bad to her friends. In other words she has no problem deceiving me to others in order to make her look like I am the bad guy. I have found out through text messages. This one fact is why I am seriously looking at getting a divorce. I know she has friends at work that she applies this logic to. So when I go to a work function with her, I can see some people looking at me like I am a terrible person. The sad thing is that I did nothing!!!!! Anyway, I would love to hear from others if you are experiencing the same thing. Thanks all.

Yeah, I'm looking at divorce too for a similar reason. But I flipped out on her this morning when she just told me, I was a crappy husband, and a worse father. You're welcome, I work two jobs to support you and the kids, and apparently, this is how that's rewarded. Not that I do it for rewards, that's not what being a husband/father is all about, but I mean really. Anyways, she tells her co-workers and friends that I'm selfish and spend all that money on myself, when it really mostly goes to damn bills. I ripped her a new one over that this morning, and now SHE wants a divorce. SHE has been a victim of being treated like crap by a worthless pig of a man. SHE deserves better. And, y'know what? She's getting it. That's her Christmas present this year. But I'm taking the children with me. Her freedom from my so-called bullying, comes at a price.

hey guys not all wifes r like that just some my husband doesnt do anything around house. he just works and gives me money to pay bills. i cook i clean i bring his food to him when it is done i bring him his drinks or what ever he ask me to do .so just some wifes are like that sorry

I know...I didn't for a minute mean to suggest that that was the case...I blame myself for not being more selective in choosing a partner...now I know what I would look for if I was doing it all again...but it's too late now. It's not just her...the relationship in general is flawed, both of us at fault!

Yeah, sorry, sweetangel46740, none of that was meant to be sexist. Just that our wives suck. I'm sure you're awesome.

My wife hates that I fight back too. Than tells me I have a temper problem. Yeah, no I have a you ******* me off problem, ya beeotch.

my wife tells me im negative and angry. Bought me a book How to lose your anger in 30 Days. I know how to get rid of my anger...... walk the f out! No sex in 8 or 9 months and expects me to be happy all the time?! Screw Her ! Buying that book was a insult to me

My wife for the first time in our 8 years of marriage is starting to throwout the divorce card. Why? Because I am fighting back and she can't stand it! I am who she is and it ****** her off. Like others here, I am staying because of our beautiful little 6 year old girl. It is hard to do, but I am going to have to let go. This is killing me. Here is some good info. for the abused man....<br />
<br />
shrink4men.wordpress (dot) com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/

What it comes down to is you have 2 six yr old girls emotionally. If you really love her you should always attempt to keep that in mind during arguements. She lashes out at you because of her issues and insecurities. If you can find out the root causes for her tantrums you'll be able to see the hurt and pain within her. We all want to feel loved and needed and I am guessing she feels neither.

Thats my world too. You are not alone. I wanted to start a website with the domain name of mywifeisab!tch (Dot) com. But it was already taken.