My Husband And I Hate Each Other

I have been married for 17 months and we have been together for five years. I have two children, my boy being from a previous relationship. Since I had our daughter in 2009 I have not been able to find work while my husband is still working in the same job for the last 12 years. The four of us have been dependant on his wage alone for the last 2 and half years which has meant that we have had to tighten our belts as many others have had to do.
When we first met I was very honest with him and told him of my past relationship and the abuse that my son had to go through. I also told him of my bi-polar disorder and other terrible things from my past. I felt I owed it to him to be honest as I had a lot of issues that if he was to stay with me he would need to understand. At first he told me that it was great that I was so honest and he felt that I was different because of my honesty. At the time I was working full time and we both had good enough money coming in. I lived in rented accommodation while he had bought a house before we met. Shortly after we met I decided to take a job that was only a maternity cover contract as it provided an opportunity to push my career in the right direction, thinking that afterwards I would be able to get a permanent job with good prospects as I would have good work experience by then. Unfortunately, not only did I become pregnant while working there but also the economy decided to collapse. So there we are, just a year into the relationship and just having moved into his house together, no permanent job and due to pregnancy and the recession, facing life having to live from one wage.
Now, when I say that my husbands salary was good, I meant that it was good for a single man with no-one to support except himself...add three mouths to that list and we suddenly found ourselves as that stereotypical "working poor" that we all hear about now.
As I mentioned earlier, we tightened our belts and hoped that I would be able to find work when the baby was around six months, but because of the recession we were expecting it to take maybe a year. Forward to now and my husband is more than a little resentful. I have had a few interviews but not much else. I spent the majority of the boom years as a student and single Mom and genuinely thought that having a degree would give me an edge over others, but unfortunately that has not seemed to be the case. There is so much competition from those who might have a couple more years work experience than myself, that it has become soul destroying. My husband suggested that I remove my degree and work experience since I graduated (4yrs studying & 3 yrs working) from my resume but that just leaves me with experience in the hospitality industry! I find several problems with this as a)Removing my education and degree would leave a 12 yr gap in my resume which I think is too long a gap; b)Bars and hotels require shift work (which my husband won't agree to because of his shift work & children) and c)I feel that it undermines what I am capable of. I know that in these harsh times we must do whatever we can to earn money for our families and I would gladly scrub a toilet but I have tried this tactic in trying to get a job in shops etc and if I get a response at all it is to say that I have no experience and when I leave the info in, I am considered over qualified. It is a catch 22 situation and I feel that it is very easy for my husband to give me this advice as he left school at 18 and has worked in the same place since and has never even sought a promotion!
The longer I go without finding a job, the worse our relationship is getting. We have missed mortgage payments and missed other bill payments. Our arguments now nearly always ends up with violence and I really want to leave. He now calls me a sponging, using prostitute. The worst of it came this week. My son's birthday is this week and we were also meant to pay for his school tour. My husband decided to take two weeks off sick (he was sick for 2 days) but he doesn't get sick pay from the company, so we were faced with 2 weeks with no money. The hardest part of that was looking at my son's face when I told him that he wouldn't be going on his tour and that he wouldn't be getting a birthday present. My son only gets toys, games etc for birthdays and xmas and is NOT a demanding child, so my heart broke when I had to tell him and the reasons behind it. My husband added insult to injury by saying that the same would not happen to our daughter as he would never allow that to happen to HIS child, but he was the one who refused to go to work, knowing the consequences!
Over the last year he has started to hit me when we argue and justify it by saying that I provoked him because I refuse to give into him. After he hits me, there is no remorse, he says that I deserve it because I don't work and all the financial pressure is on him. I don't go out, I don't speak to friends and I am only without one of my children when my boy is in school. He does not go out either but he drinks at home and will stay up till 9am the next morning drinking about once a week (usually a week day). He says that I don't deserve to go anywhere because I don't work or contribute to the family. When I threaten to leave him, he says that I can go but he will have me killed if I take my daughter. He says that if I go I will have to be prepared to lose my son also due to my past. He continues to throw my past in my face and say that he will ensure that I will lose both my kids. (NB My past is in relation to my bi-polar disorder...never been in trouble with law, or drug addict etc). I am sure that he is serious about having me harmed if I leave, just as I am sure that he will try to have my son taken from me. He tells me that he will report me to the social services for child neglect and that because I have a mental illness I will lose both my kids and my son will end up in care because he only wants his daughter.
Being told what a bad mother and wife I am daily and not being able to find a job has left me desolate inside, the bruises go away but not on the inside! He tells me most everyday that he wished I would die and what a waste of life I am. He uses the fact that I tried to kill myself in the past as a weapon against me and has ruined any trust I had put in human beings in general. I know that if we stay together that I will end up dead, either by his hand or my own. I hate him and myself. I don't trust anyone and now I never will. The only reason that I have not killed myself this week is due to my sons birthday...but I have now written the necessary letters and am planning it for next month...he is a great father, so I am not scared for the kids, but I am afraid that if I don't kill myself, something worse will happen.
Rhaenys Rhaenys
31-35, F
5 Responses May 15, 2012

It sounds like you care way too much about money in this relationship.

If one were so important, why didn't the two of you discuss this important detail up front at the beginning of the relationship, so that there were no surprises?

Why did you have a child with this man? It was foolish to allow him to get you pregnant, especially when you KNEW there wouldn't be enough money.

Your husband has no obligation to support you - in modern marriages, the husband and wife are equal, and have an EQUAL responsibility to bring income into the family, unless another arrangement is agreed upon. You agreed to allow your husband to financially support you, without truly working out the details of such an arrangement. That's your fault.

You could have MADE your son a birthday present. It sounds like you haven't made enough efforts to preserve the "spirit" of your family. It sounds like you don't really care what happens, that you care more about money than your little children.

I think you are selfish. I don't know what you should do, and I don't really care.

Hey it's been 2 weeks. Are u okay? Where are you? Which state are you living? Please tell us so we can help you. Ending your life is not the solution. If you need someone to talk too. Please message me. You and your children are in my prayers! You are a great mom. Don't give up!

Satan hates humans. He knows that there is no greater force for collateral damage than through the destruction of a family unit through the parting of husband and wife. By bringing the pressures of life to bear on a once happy family he is able to kill both husband and wife and their children. This is a victory for him. Love conquers all. Pray to Jehovah, use his name and ask for help. Humans are nothing, Jehovah is almighty. All things are possible through him. Taste and see that Jehovah is good.

You really need to leave him. Harming yourself is not the answer. You have 2 beautifule kids to think of who need you. Do you really want to leave this world and leave the kids in his care?<br />
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Considering he is the main bread winner and has been for most of your relationship you will be looked after legally. <br />
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I suggest you visit a Divorce Lawyer to find out your rights. He is using your fear against you. Also report his threats to the Police if you leave him. In fact next time he hits you if report him.<br />
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If you take action he wont know what hit him. He will have to pay your child support and maintenance. If your from the US you probably know it as Ailmony.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Please don't kill yourself, if for no other reason, think about your children. Your husband is using your fear of losing your kids, being on your own and having no money to control really need to leave ASAP. I don't know what state you're in, but there are tons of non-profit organizations that help battered women. While your husband is at work do some research, make a plan and execute. It won't be easy, but you need to look out for the welfare of yourself and your children.