Question From a Slighly Puzzled 16 Year Old

A very good question indeed!

Since you may have noticed that this is not an easy set of questions to answer for you, I will try to give you a set of events that occurred during the beginning of my marriage (second marriage, because I believed marriage was right for me). When I met my wife (second one) she told me how her first husband cheated on her, and lied to her about the things he was doing. She said she couldn't put up with all the lies. She told me she wanted her next husband to help raise her kids, because their father was too selfish to "waste" his time with his children. He had better things to do. She knew how important it was to pay your credit cards off, because debt weighs you down. She didn't want handouts, she wanted to earn everything for herself. She needed to be able to be herself, and wanted to spend time with her friends.



Well, a week after we got married, I found out that she lied about TWO major aspects of her life! Things, that had I known before the marriage, would have made me think twice about the marriage! When I confronted her about the lies, she told me that everyone lies, and I should get used to it! She also said I didn't deserve to know the truth! ME, HER HUSBAND! My two step-kids live with us, and when I bring up what their doing wrong, or try to discipline them, she tells them that they are alright, and won't take my side. She told me that I needed to EARN their respect! She has a very well paying, secure job, but is constantly buying things for herself, and her kids. Credit card bills get paid off a little at a time... she told me that she has insurance if she dies, so I shouldn't worry. But, as her husband, I'm responsible for the debt too! Six months after we got married, she told me that if I didn't put her name on the deed to my house our marriage wouldn't last long! That cost me over $40,000! There was no talk about paying me that money back! And now even her friends don't want to spend time with her, so she's home every night, and she wants me to sit and watch TV with her all the time! She lied about who she was to get married, and only now can I see the real person she is... THAT WHY THIS COLUMN WAS CREATED!

P.S. I'm sure while all this has been going on, she feels I have let her down too!



I guess if you want a word of advice on going through life... Be true to yourself, and truer to others!

For myself...because marriage and those vows mean so much...I've stayed in my marriage for years...years of which I have had little hope of ever being happy again. Just hanging on...well because I have deeply loved her.

I have been happily married for over 19 years and I have to say as great as marriage is it is not always easy. People change over time you are not the same person at 16 as you are at 30! Over this time some people change together others change and go in different directions...I think if most ment on this I hate my wife page, don't really hate their wives they hate what their wives actually do (or don't do), say etc.....and they hate that....at the same time it takes two to make a marriage work and if you are moving in different directions than it becomes real hard......don't give up on love it is out there and it is real...

Young lady, you are a sweet girl and obviously a good person. Many, probably most, of the men on this site agree with your views on marriage. Trouble is, many of the women who are being commented about on this site changed after they married their husbands; many of those women probably used to think about marriage and love the way you do. But for some reason, or several reasons, they allowed their attitudes to change and become negative, cynical, bitter, etc. Most men don't get married expecting to get divorced, just like most women. But when the person you marry disappears and is replaced by someone else you hardly recognize, divorce is the only sane way out. So keep your good attitude and your sweetness. Don't ever change. If you do that, and are very careful to find a man whose attitude toward marriage and love matches yours, you will have a happy life. Don't change. That's the key. Don't change.

"I hate my husband"

http://www.experienceproject.com/group_profile.php?g=5839 />


I don't put that there to prove you wrong, by the way. I admire your inquisitiveness and determination to find some understanding, and understanding of the things that matter to you.



I think that the lesson you learned about life not being perfect is still in the process of being learned. There are so many ways in which things can go wrong between two people, I think. And for people with the right outlook and the right attitudes, it's so easy to put them all right again, but often what's unfolding isn't seen until it's far too late, and far too hard to understand how a long series of little accidents ends up in a place that is just a strange, strange land.



Personally, I believe that humans are hard-wired for monogamy. But it should be noted that in the bird kingdom at least, monogamy means you nest build and rear young together with the same partner over and over... but it doesn't mean you don't mate with other birds that aren't your partner. Perhaps that's a similar wiring applies to humans, although I'm making no comment on the ethics of that situation.

Neroticism, yes I can imagine living with the same person for 60 or 70 years. Most girls have that dream-the one where they get married and stay with that person forever. I hope my husband and I stay married forever and work out our problems. Even the really big ones. I hope that you people can find some happiness in your lives too...and stop hating your wives.

NeurOticism made many good points and RunningFree your age is listed as 18-21 on your logo when you click on it. The one that I disagree with her on is that people become complete after marriage. My mother told me often how much she hated my father and I understand that love and hate are both extreme emotions that are often irrational. Being a complete person doesn't mean that one can't lose themselves in their mate and I think that is how hate can develop. When one person is so willing to give of their time and do everything the other person wants to just be part of that person's life and they wake up one day only to realize that the other person had so little respect for them that they didn't step back and say you need to find things that make you happy besides my presence and we should do things you want to do as well. When the person who does the giving decides that they want their own life possibly the person who was given to takes it to mean they are no longer as wonderful to them as they once were and begin to resent the outside interests and eventually the mate which evolves into hate.



Didn't Shakespeare say too that, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."?

Thanks all of you for taking time for a curious teenager- I appreciate it a lot ;)

But, neur0ticism -- if people weren't meant for monogamy... then how come a considerable amount of marriages still last?



Armadillo -- thanks for the compliment ;) It makes me feel smart(probably smarter than I am). I just don't see how it can take a lifetime to figure out how marriage works- or should be working.

WOW.. This sixteen year old is wise beyond her years. I too feel like Marriage is sacred. A bond shared that should not be tainted. I want a old love the love that my man's parents shared. The love that took you there and back and back again. WOW...I hope to one day have the same type of love that his parents shared,.

It's to my belief that humans are not truly of the "one mate per person" philosophy. We get very tired of each other. Can you honestly imagine living with the same man you've known for 50, 60, 70 years? Especially if like, sasxiv, said you change over time and you really do. You could grow out of your love for that particular person. All sorts of things can cause you to second guess your choice in marriage.



We humans have a very hard time accepting the bad with the good and being able to compromise. We're just like that, unfortunately. We're selfish, we all want what is best for us and are not very unselfish although I admit, some of us ar proceedingly better at trying to be unselfish than others.



I'm glad you take marriage as seriously as I do. That's how I view marriage too. It's a commitment of a lifetime and can ruin you or make you complete. So be very, very picky about who you marry, don't be in a rush to get married and know if you actually love each other or not. That alone is the toughest test at hand before marriage. The whole love thing.



Hatred is born from love. The person you love has hurt you either drastically and quite nastily in a short amount of time with something unbelievably evil (ie: rape, physical abuse) or over an accumulated amount of time, repetitiously. You were hurt by this person severely and you LOVE this person, this person you thought you knew and their actions, their anger, their whole negative attack on you will look like hatred of you to your perception and you just end up hating them back, because they took a metaphoric knife covered in acid and stabbed you in the heart.



Does that make sense? I'm not a stranger to this sort of thing. It doesn't have to be just in marriage either. It can be a family member. Do you have anyone in your family you began hating or detest now? I do. It's my dad. I'm pretty certain at one point I loved him, like all children and all little girls do, but he turned it into hatred with his actions against me. Now he wishes he hadn't.



I have never been married and I honestly am not sure I want to be. Seems to be more of a hassle than a blessing. I'm not exactly the type to selflessly give that part of myself away. Too free spirited. I have my own path and then there's his/her path. For me, because of who I am, they only intertwine, but they do not become solely one path.



To the bitter end, I am my master and commander. That's how I survive.



As to the boys and girls out there that hate their spouse in marriage, perhaps you should consider a divorce now. I'm not going to sugar it up. If you honestly feel you hate them, then why are you still putting up with their bullshit? Do the most logical choice and save yourself and them the grief. Simple? I think not. >;)

the opposite of love is not hate - its not caring at all. You love someone you have strong positive emotions for them. Then things change - now you begin to hate them for every little stupid piece of BS that they put you through - but still strong emotions - bad ones.



People change, for many reasons: stress, age, selfishness, loneliness, etc. or they get into drugs or they become born again christian - whatever. Your relationship has to change with each others' changes to survive it all....it doesn't always though.....divorce.....