Short Sweet Justice

     Seven years. Seven miserable years and two beautiful boys for whom I would lay in front of a bus. I put up with so much ridicule for them. Just a chance to be in their lives; to see them sleep every night means the world to me. Besides their happiness and safety, being there is the most important thing to me. About 4 years ago however,  I came to the conclusion that my marriage was the classic hate-filled relationship that was no longer positive to my children.

     I love my children enough to get out if my daily actions were jeopardizing their happiness. I did think however, that if I stuck around long enough something miraculous would happen. It only got worse. My wife acted then and now as though she hates my guts, but she really hates herself and the things she does to me and the boys. Moreover she cannot stand what she sees when she looks in the mirror. There is absolutely nothing anyone but her can do to change that. She chose to self medicate. A fatal error in judgment as that judgment relates to her relationship with her children, and herself I guess.

     First came a totaled car with my son, having unbuckled himself from his seat laying in his hammered mother's lap.  DUI-But no child endangerment. I felt betrayed. Not by her, forget her, but by the system. Then came four totaled cars. Freaking four. All accidents took place with her under the influence and resulted in no charges filed. Male cops with a female driver will get you that result every time. I felt truly betrayed and pissed off to say the least.

      By this time in our marriage I truly hate her. Still as a man in our society a divorce would have sent ME packing.   Two years later came a drug binge to end all binges which resulted in detox and a mandatory visit from dhr. Dhr ruled that the children were safe because of my support. All i needed though was the nail in the coffin and the children were mine.

     I apologize if this sounds like a well plotted permanent kidnapping, but you try getting custody from a woman. Besides I believed that detox may lead into a program and real healing. I still loved her. Wait scratch that; I loved the idea of our family with her healthy.

     Forward to early May 2007. My wife was arrested for drug possession and shoplifting. Oh how I hate my wife. She has not one ounce of regret or sorrow for her actions. This woman belittles me in front of my boys as though this situation that she is in is my fault. She screams at me in front of them. Oh how I hate the woman.

     Oh well I lawyer-ed up in a hurry. My lawyer is extremely confident and proud of my patience. He says that certain men can learn a thing or two from my handling of this matter. With his rates he had better kiss my ***.

     I left out so many details in the most important story of my life, but one detail that I want you all to never forget is that I got her. Oh how I got her, and deep down she knows it.

      I am happy that I can share this story with my peers, and I promise that You will be the first to know the outcome of my story.

doubleell doubleell
31-35, M
23 Responses May 22, 2007

I know this is an old post but what was the result from 5 years ago?

Thank you for your interest in my story. I had all but forgotten about it when I saw your email. What makes the timing strange is that she was just removed from the home not a month before your inquiry. The boys are safe and beautiful. They are happy and their visits with mom are safe and quite healthy for them, all of them.
I know, even if she has yet to realize, the importance of them being together. I will not allow that to be abused as I have been for ten years . I am not one to toot my own horn but I must say that I am proud of myself for hanging in there for what I now know was the fight of a lifetime- maintaining a safe home for two boys and a man with a full blown prescription drug addict in the middle.
I guess, britishbabe, I had emotionally checked out years ago with respect to intimacy love and the love of another. That is good for the children not to have a tortured soul for a dad. I am happy and upbeat these days free from the loneliness of a broken heart.

I am now so interested in finding a partner that will accept the mountain of love I have to give. Sometimes with the busyness of being single dad I wonder if someone is out there. I'm a good looking man. Just kidding. I have to find humor in things or I'd be crushed by the weight of the world.

Thank you for allowing me to write. It was therapeutic .

It is good that you did what you did, addiction is a terrible illness, you did the right thing all the way around. I have a friend who lost his wife to alcoholism. Young, she died one night just from drinking again one time. Her body shut down. Despite seizures she had in front of her children from the alcohol, where blood spurt from banging her head, despite neuropathy of one are that would not work any more, despite 7 hospitals, nothing could stop her from drinking. I asked him once, do you think addiction or alcoholism is a disease like it is said to be? He said, it is at least a mental illness. The compulsion. I am glad for you, that you got yourself and your boys in a much safer and right situation and gave yourself and your boys a new path in life.

I hope this experience helps your wife get help. I am smiling ear to ear at the thought that you will be able to beat the system and get your boys. I agree that it is very difficult to break societal stereo-types, especially a male to win custody over a woman, but you can do it!

I did it! Sorry it's. Been several years but the boys are safe. You won't remember but why were you smiling from ear to ear?

Oh how I relate to your story. I have so much bitterness, resentment and hatred that is consuming my entire body. My husband treats me like garbage, constantly belittles me, walks all over me, etc. I becamepregnant with our 3rd child and he stayed out all night 2 nights i during my pregnant, a week before i delivered ( i was dilated even) and he went and partied, almost got beaten to death, then i delivered. He has made me pay all the utility bills and any bill there is. OUr mortgage isn'[t paid the entire year. (his business went down the tubes but he won't find anothe job). He goes out and parties about 1 or 2 days a week. He has had no desire to take me anywhere and the strangest part is, I'm even thinner than before I was pregnant, I actually am decent looking for my age (I get hit on constantly). Seriously, I don't know who he thinks he is?? I get hit on by FAR better looking men than His ***!!!!!! sorry to vent.

Wow! Sorry to hear that. I pray that you find someone like me. Not being cocky but you responded to something that reflected the type of person my ex is and your ?? is. Anyway that doesn't make sense but you deserve better I hope he turned it around.
I cannot imagine a life with a loving wife that wants the best for you.

Hmmmmm..... I hope the boys will be okay after all they have had to endure. Make sure you help them continue to love their mother anyway because that is the first step of their healing. Good luck!

wow, all i know is that compared to your situation, mine with my wife isn't that bad at all. thanks for sharing.

Some people have to lose EVERYTHING in order to accomplish ANYTHING. <br />
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Quite a story, friend. <br />
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Hope your boys are OK.

16 years of total hell! Moving all over the country for her, and just finally realizing that she have been lying to me!!! For quiet sometime... I dont know what to do. If my son were not in the pic it would be simple. Lost in emotions

Oh hun, I hope the best for you here. There is hope for you. I know of a man Danny, (I personally don't like the guy but he is BFF with my husband) and he has custody of all of his kids. What I should mention, here is Danny has also been to PRISON. Their mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic and doesn't pay child support. He has FULL CUSTODY. Hopefully it all works out for you

Your children are going to be better off without her until or if she gets her life together. You're strong to have put up with all you have for so long. Take care of yourself, take care of those boys.

hmmm does any of this relate to this guys story??? Just wondering. Did you guys miss the part where he's doing this for revenge check it out read my earlier post

I agree with swagonwheels to a point. We are all byproductions of society's destruction the minute we are born. It just so happens that on US soil it's worse than it is in other countries. I also agree that it is a grave mistake on the wife's part for choosing the easy way out instead of developing true coping skills. It shows her lack of caring and lack of discipline and integrity, but she too is a victim, a victim of herself. She will look back on this if this man divorces her, takes her kids away from her, and become very bitter and regretted about it, but it will hit her probably at the last minute, perhaps, even near her death, if she is this far gone...<br />
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Sometimes it takes tough love and a large pile of bricks (metaphorically speaking) to wake somebody up from their vicious cycle in life. <br />
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I only hope that her husband can make it out of their marriage as unscathed by it or as uneffected as he can. It's my belief that when it's this far gone, there should be no holding back in a divorce. She will ultimately drag him down with her in the end and that will be extremely dismaying. :(

Yeah I'm glad you have the kids out of there. Why do you say," one detail that I want you all to never forget is that I got her. Oh how I got her, and deep down she knows it." Thats so sad like you taking the kids is revenge for all the things she's done to you? It's hard having a messed up family as it is. Just the way you said that implied to me that you see taking the kids as a revenge. Well I'm sure you're smart enough to know thats not right either. Best wishes. Hope your WHOLE FAMILY including mother of your children get some counseling. Maybe if you had tried to get some help after the first DUI it wouldn't have gotten this far.

Good for you for taking initiative! Those DUI's and all the other documented evidence should appease anyone who doubts of her ability to mother her children. Sounds like you have waited longer than most would have had the patience to hang on. I hope you get your kids, make a stable, good home for them, and live in peace. Cheers!

This sounds like what I’m going through right now. My wife is very mentally ill!! She appears to be bipolar and suffers from IDD (multiple personalities). My day to day life has been a living hell for the past 5 years (we have been together 10+). I have her seeing doctors and therapists every week, but nothing is getting better, just worse. She had two major surgeries in the past 1 1/2, so she is a prescribed drug addict. She is very abusive and puts me down and attacks me in front of our three kids all the time. Her insanity is starting to affect the kids and I’m concerned for their safety. I’m trying to be the good husband and stick this thing out, but at the rate it is going I don’t think I can take anymore. <br />
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I live in California so the family courts here are not the best for the fathers. However, her therapists have been indicating that they are getting concerned about the situation as well. The problem is how does one bring all this up in court??? <br />
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She is also killing us financially, she spent every extra dime we had last year to the toon of 15K+, and now she has resorted to shoplifting to fuel her need to acquire things (and note these are useless things). She has also been busted lifting things from a store last month. They did not arrest her, but the store will be sending me a nice big bill soon. She has also opened up credit cards in my name with out me knowing, ran them up and of course did not pay them. Since the fist of the year she has found a way to put me in debt for another 4K. She got a hold of my Amex from work and ran up 2K on that. It just never stops and the therapist does not think it will.<br />
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She has two older kids that are my steps. The two of them in their teens now, treat her like crap, because they are old enough to see what is going on & can’t deal with it. The oldest is reacting with violence and has destroyed many walls and doors in the house. If I try to step in to put a stop to it she flips out and attacks me even more.<br />
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Anyway that’s just the tip of the Iceberg of my situation. As for “swagonwheels” comments, your way off base. I have been getting her all the help in the world (good insurance) and it does no good. At what point do we just have to accept the harsh reality that the children come first and having them around this is not healthy. Note that this IS coming from her doctors. Sad situation, I’m not ready to give up yet, but that time is drawing near (Very Near).

It certainly is unfortunate that your wife was such a horrible mother and couldn't get it together for the sake of her children and husband. It sounds like she had nothing but chances to change her ways, too bad for her. At least now you have a chance at happiness with someone who will love you and your boys, and not put your lives in danger!

I am ashamed to admit that as I read the posts in this group, in many ways you are writing about me. Yes I am "that woman" my husband has put up with for 17 years, he is a fantastic father to our 2 boys. I have struggled w/ depression all my life, and thought marriage, home and children would be the answer to finding happiness. I never imagined I would adapt so poorly to becoming a mother, but I love my boys dearly. My medications are legal and under control, but they don't solve the problems. <br />
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You are right doubleell, she hates herself, how she acted as a wife/mother, and what she sees in the mirror.<br />
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I do manage to put on a "happy face" when at work or socially, and I'm sure it hurts my husband to see that and then see how I am at home. I am really doing my best considering how I feel inside which I feel no one can truly understand. I see a psych for my meds plus a therapist.<br />
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Saying that, my husband has, as he says, his own demons too. He has never been able to communicate with me intimately; he never tells me what he is thinking or why he is reacting; he has made major decisions (like purchasing land) w/o discussing w/ me. Our sex life has been pretty much non-existant since day one, he has physical problems and I have a healthy sex drive, so that has been VERY frustrating to both of us. So I decided I wouldn't live the rest of my life w/o sex and was unfaithful. We are basically roommates and business partners, we are actually a pretty good parenting team and our boys are [mostly] happy, secure, successful...<br />
Well anyway, just wanted you all to know that there is a woman reading your posts, taking to heart the men's perspectives and seeing things more from my man's point of view. So thanks and good wishes to all of you, I think we all feel the pain of lonely marriages or worse.

swagonwheels, while I belive your intentions are well meaning. But I believe your under the assumption that mental illness has a cure or is curable. The remainder of your comments are based on those assumptions. Unfortunatly it is acknowledged by the APA and other authories quote "“…there are no external validating criteria for psychiatric diagnoses.” In othe words we can not rely on society or the system to provide this woman help, as there is none. Unfortunately there are no cures, no treatments, and currently not defintive tests to even diagnose psychiatric disorders. Best we can do is look at previous common patterns that probably will occur. She will in most odds either kill herself from drunk driving or suicide or end up in jail. Unfortunatly in this case it will probably be death rather than jail. I know you mean well but fixing society wouldn't help this woman.

Don't be angry, we were just conversing.<br />
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Remember this is a support group forum so try and be more supportive.<br />
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Good bye and good luck.

Can you get that you are not qualify to determine anyone’s metal state based on a few words written, so stop blaming metal illness as a catch all for you weak attempt at justifying your position.<br />
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My brother was diagnosis with a metal disorder and you can bet he went through a battery of test before he was properly diagnosis and not just by one doctor but also by many.<br />
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People change over time, what we liked earlier changes over time. Sometimes whom we are attracted to also changes. <br />
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Prevention is a cure but accepting one's responsibilities for one's action should be the norm instead of the exception.

swagonwheel, <br />
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How do you know what the qualifications of “doubleell” are, nowhere in his posting did he describe what he does. He may be a doctor, physiatrist or psychologist in any case again you made an assumption without fact.<br />
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I do agree with you that the system let him down but you description of her as a helpless victim is absurd. No one and I repeat no one can be helped unless they are willing to be helped. So unless she was willing to be helped which according to the posting she was not you would have “doubleell” stay in a vile situation until when? One year, two years, ten years when is enough if a person doesn’t want to be helped?<br />
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What about the children, should they endure the pain and suffering for the sake of keeping everyone together waiting for the happy outcome. <br />
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Your thinking along with many in this country is the reason this country is the way it is. You subscribe to the theory that "its everyone’s else fault but mine." The frivolous law suites that flood the system stems from a combine census that it's all right to do things then blame it on substance abuse. Unless you were forced to take drugs or drink the liquor you did it of your own free will and should take responsibility for your actions while under the influence. <br />
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Your statement “Her drug influenced behavior cannot be held against her and should not be held against her.” exemplifies my point.<br />
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I don’t want revenge against her but I do think she should not be taking care of her children. <br />
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I plead ignorance on your countries accountabilities but I would bet that your system isn't bog down by such nonsense. <br />
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It is obvious neither one of us is going to change the other mine but it was interesting reading your views and opinions.

swagonwheel, where did I say you BLAMED doubleell. You stated "you were not qualified to deal with her situation" and "...but that was no excuse to desert her in her hour of need." very strong and judgemental statements. You made assumption without any facts and that my friend is wrong.

swagonwheel, get off your high horse! Did you examine her or did you like many assume she wasn't responsible for her actions? In today’s world it blame and sue everyone because nothing is you fault. Neither you or I know the truth so don't be quick to judge "doubleell", he did the right thing by getting the children out of a bad situation and should be commended for it not harangued.<br />
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Doubleell, congratulations on leaving and fighting for your kids. Good luck and God bless.

Wow I hope you get custody of your boys it sounds like they will be much safer in your care! I know it is probably scarey to think that because you are a man that the court will automatically give her custody. I have to tell you I know several men who have raised their children and they had to go to court in recent years and they actually won! So I think you have a real good chance here. The system has failed you as well as other innocent people who may fall victim to her DUI problems! The laws I thought were so strict on that! I have been around alcoholics a lot in my life and you can not reason with them. Its no use and I can't imagine what that has put your boys through! I hope you win this and I will say a prayer that it all works out for you!