You Selfish Harpy. I've Had Enough. - - - Follow Up

Well, since I wrote my last story, here's what's happened:
After I wrote the last story, I had it out with her and things started to improve slightly over the next few days. She starts helping around the house more and stops sulking so much. Great, I thought, things are looking up.
Even when she decided that on her birthday, she wasn't going to spend any time with me, didn't want me to take her out, but wanted to go visit her friend instead, I bit my tongue.
So, I'm thinking things are ok, not perfect, but manageable. So, while she's out on her birthday with her 'friend', I'm looking around the house for a new notebook to do some writing in. In our dressing room, sitting out in the open on a table is a newish notebook. It looks like my wife has written a few pages in the beginning, so I quickly check to see if it is like a diary/important stuff or just doodles/shopping lists (in which case I'll use the book for my writing).
Now, my wife speaks a different language to me and thinks I can't read anything she writes. However, I've been studying her language for a while and know a little bit more than she thinks. A quick glance at the pages immediately looks very suspicious to me. (What attracted my attention was what looked like a list comparing my good and bad points to another man's. No names used, but circled initials.)
As I already had my suspicions about her, I sat down with a dictionary and translated what I could and things looked bad. To make sure I wasn't barking up the wrong tree, I copied the pages and emailed them to a friend from the same country as my wife to confirm or deny my suspicions.
When my wife gets back, I confront her on what I've found. She gives me load of old flannel about the pages being a diary about us and our marriage (my faults mainly) and deliberately mistranslates parts for me. She even points to parts where she says good things about me. She's pretty convincing, complete with crocodile tears, and I start to feel really bad about suspecting her and almost call my friend to just delete what I sent him and not tell me anything. But something just doesn't add up in the back of my mind, so I decide to wait to see what my friend says.
I get an email the next morning with his results. As I suspected, it was a list comparing me to another man (I had just as many good points, which is something to be thankful for, I guess :) ), along with several pages about how she feels about this guy (he's someone she works with) and how he also feels the same way about her. There's also a few paragraphs about how rubbish I am as a husband and all the things she'd like to change about me. I didn't ask my friend for the gory details, as I wanted to keep my breakfast down. I also quickly check her phone while she's in the shower and can see dozens of texts from this guy, but I haven't got the time or inclination to start translating those as well. It's pretty obvious what's going on at this point.
When she comes out the shower, I then ask my wife again about the book (she still doesn't know how much I know about it) and her story keeps changing for every new bit of information I reveal I know to her. My wife is insisting she's never cheated on me and isn't attracted to the guy at work and although my friend said that she never expressly wrote that she physically cheated on me, I now don't trust this ***** as far as I can throw her.
It wasn't easy, but I told her this morning that I'm leaving her. She wants me to stay, and I'm almost tempted to think maybe things would get better, but I don't trust her now, so there's no point. I'm not going down the route of having to keep checking her stuff or interrogating her whenever she's going out. She also admitted that I care for her more than she's ever cared for me and knows that she takes advantage of my kindness. I can also see that I won't easily be able to let this go and I know I'll keep throwing it back in her face at every opportunity, which wouldn't be fair on her either. I'm not really angry at this point and I'll always care for her despite how we ended up. No point polishing a turd though and I think it's time to start putting myself first for a change. She can also then go find a guy more suited for her and hopefully not treat him like dirt.
wasted20s wasted20s
31-35, M
3 Responses Jan 9, 2013

Well, my wife of 7 years used to be a gem, funny, fun, loving, caring and creative. Then we got married and the foot came right off the charm pedal and hit the brake. Since then she's ripped me and my family to pieces on a regular basis, phoned the cops once and said I'd tried to strangle her (I grabbed her by the lapels once when she kept accusing me of having an affair; for the record I wasn't), accused my sister of wanting to force her out of our marriage so that my sister could take over mothering our daughter (???? I mean, WHAT?) at least once a week flies into a pathological rage about the tiniest thing and then expects me to be loving towards her an hour later when she's calmed down. But at least my situation is predictable,. Yours sounds like hell. You have my sympathy. Where does it say that after you're married your hitherto charming wife gets to treat you like **** from then on when she feels like it? I don't get it. I wouldn't treat an enemy like that. I'm about at the stage where I'm going to leave, I'm not perfect by any means but I'm not spiteful and aggressive.

Thanks for your sympathy, man. Back at you.
Once they know you can't easily walk away, it seems they don't bother so much to hide their ****** personality.
I just keep hearing over and over about these women who are never satisfied with what they've got and just mistake a husband's kindness (because he loves his wife) as some sort of obligation, which inevitably gets taken for granted. I don't know why, if it's movies, tv or other media that's responsible, but some women have a warped perception of reality and outrageous self-entitlement (I'm well aware that there are a fair share of ****-head husbands as well though).
All I can say is that I'm done with marriage for good now. I really can't see what benefit it has for a man. I'll never allow a woman to have that kind of hold on me again.

your wife is clearly having an emotional affair and that can he just as bad if not worse than a physcially encounter. But I will have to say this you are AT FAULT as well. Obviously both of you guys have needs that are not being met. Instead of asking your wife 50 million questions ( questions you already know by the way) ask her what are you faults as a husband let her speak 100% then you explain to her what her faults are. You obviously want to run from the issue. When you were able to translate the letter you did not even want to hear your negative qualities that your wife had to mention casue let's be honest you were to scared to hear the truth about yourself from the #1 person that matters. You left already but it would not suprise me if your wife rode of into the sunset with the next one while your at home wondering what she's doing. Not trying to harsh just telling it like it is from my perspective.

I know I'm far from perfect but I'm also self-aware enough to know there was nothing I was doing that could have warranted her not talking to me about any concerns/problems and instead choosing to cheat. She knew that cheating was a deal breaker and intentionally chose to kamikaze our marriage (consciously or subconsciously, doesn't matter anymore). That's on her and I'm not taking any blame for that.
You're right that I was very scared to see the entire contents of that letter at first, just the overview I got made me feel physically sick, but I later did get the whole thing translated. Unfortunately, what was in it wasn't that enlightening and just made my wife look selfish, shallow and materialistic. Same for when I asked her why she did it. I actually would have preferred it if there was legitimate things wrong we could have maybe worked on, rather than just showing my wife to be a complete fool living in a fantasy land. Her reasons were spurious at best and I'll never get a straight answer out of her, so there's no point trying to understand the why any longer.
I can see that it looks like I was running away, but the minute she opened her heart/legs for another man, there was nothing to run away from. Marriage done. She's more than welcome to run off into the sunset with the next man or ten, it's not my business any longer and I won't give it any serious thought.
Thanks for your input though, it was helpful to look at it from your perspective and you weren't harsh at all.

Mate i feel for you. It is obvious she is having an emotional affair at the very least. Chances are its turmed physical as well but end of the day she did the wrong thing regardless, and if by some chance it hadn't been physical up until now you can sure bet it would have turned physical.

What you do from here is up to but if you have shared possessions i suggest you visit a lawyer in your jurastiction and find out your rights. You are at least lucky there are no kids involved.

Brother wasted20s i would suggest that if you are going to consider taking her back it has to be strictly under your terms. No negotiation from her of whatsoever. She has to be completely open and honest to you allow you access to her phone, computer whatever. I know this sounds ****** but she created this mess and if she truly wants to fix this its her responsibility to do whatever it takes. That's of course if you want her back. Also be mindful that she might only want to keep you around as a meal ticket or security blanket financial, possessions whatever, and to maintain the lifestyle that being married allows one to have.

My wife had an emotional affair as well some years ago. As to whether it turned physical i dont know quite possibly but you cant keep watch over someone 24/7. And just like your wife mine showed all the same signs arrogance, rudeness, towards me, demands that i clean the house etc. And you can bet the other guy is whispering in her ear undermining you all the time.

Whatever you choose to do from here i wish you the best of luck and keep us informed of your progress.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thanks for your advice, mate.
It was crazy how after I caught her out, her attitude toward me did a complete 180. It was like I had my old friend back again from when we first got together.
Today I'm buying a flight back to my own country, as it's too difficult to make any important decisions while we're still living together.
She's contrite for now, but her spoiled, entitled attitude still resurfaces every now and again, so I'm not convinced she will be able to change for long. I'm pretty sure once the guilt and shame of being caught wears off, she'll be able to justify what she did and will be back to her charming self.
Once I get home to my friends and family, I'm pretty sure I won't be going back, but we'll see.