I Think I'm Starting to Hate My Wife Even More

I’m so lost and confused emotionally, I really don’t know what to think or do right now with our situation.  My situation sounds just like myrtlethymes situation.  I have been married for almost 2 years and we have been severely arguing so many times since we got married that I find it truly unbelievable.  Can 2 people who love each other fight so much?  I mean just last weekend we fought intensely and then again last night!  This is crazy!  I can’t stand it anymore!  I have read articles online about how to fight amicably but when my wife and I do start arguing, it escalates.  I guess I just can’t keep my mouth shut and just take her verbal abuse and ranting.  Maybe I should just suck it up, huh? I’m a stay at home dad and I work from home.  I used to work outside the house 2 years ago in the corporate world as a manager and was making in the 30’s.  I quit because my boss was something else so I found another job but was laid off from that a few months later.  So, early last year I decided to find a work at home job.  My wife was making more back then.  My wife and I agreed to that arrangement because we have 2 kids and daycare was too much and I can look after them when there’s a holiday or when they’re off.  That is what I’m doing now.  When I used to make more money 2 years ago, I was able to pay for my credit cards and car payment.  Financially right now I’m so strapped and hanging by a thread because my debts are insane.  I don’t make quite as much as I used to….I’m only making 15K working from home…so that’s quite a big cut from what I used to make.  My wife and I talked in the past about my financial situation and we agreed that she would help pay some of my credit cards and take over the car payment.  We also have separate and joint checking accounts.  I am thankful for her help because without it, I would have declared bankruptcy already.  I have thanked her for help a few times.  I know she has debt of her own that she needs to pay off.  I understand that.  She makes a lot more now…six figures and me less than 15K..which is fine with me.  I don’t feel the need to compete with her.  That’s not me.  I know her job stresses her out and since I work from home, I am just doing my share, not financially of course, but any which way I can to help her out….cooking, cleaning, etc…which I enjoy doing.  I try to make sure she is not stressed when she comes home and I try to take care of my family any which way that I can.  We have a joint account but since I don’t make much, I don’t put any money in there and she is the only one putting money in there, her own money as she puts it which is true.  I should have been doing that for a while now, even just a couple of hundred dollars or so, so she wouldn’t give me lip.  But I have been trying to help out financially whatever way I can with my own checking account….groceries, gas, home ins, and most of my credit card debt except 1 card which she has been paying for me.  I’m trying to do my share here with my financial situation.  I’m trying to mooch off her. I don’t care about how much she makes and her money.  I thought we were in this together…financially…I know she can do whatever she wants with her money and me with my chump change.  That’s why with the joint account, I’m ashamed to just use it because I know it’s her money that she puts in not both of ours.  I guess I need to change that and put in some cash of my own.  Yesterday, I had to use our joint account card because I forgot my bank card at home.  I made a purchase the night before and didn’t put my card back into my wallet…bad mistake!  I used our joint card to pay for a watch repair….I bought my wife a new watch and needed a few links removed.  I charged 13.25 for it.  I actually gave the watch to my wife a couple of days before and she even asked me if she was paying for it……oh man…of course she wasn’t I told her….I did with my own bank account.  I felt so guilty that I haven’t given my wife anything for a long time and now I’m somewhat able to so I bought her a watch.  So last night she was checking our account and I told her I had to use our card to pay for the watch repair because I forgot my card at home.  I specifically told her I was sorry.  Then all hell broke out!  I asked her nicely and calmly….which I shouldn’t have said anything at all….is there a problem if I use our card?  Then she, which her annoying and sarcastic tone of voice said you’re the one that brought it up not me.  True.  But I felt bad that she had to ask that. I know it’s our joint account and I don’t put anything in it but I had to use something…I had no cash and my other credit cards are up to their limit.  I was going to withdraw a $20 from my account and put it in our joint account to make up for the debit but didn’t have the chance to. I told her that and she said that’s a dumb thing to do.  The nerve of her!  With our joint account, I always feel the need to ask her if I can use it because I do feel guilty that she’s the only one contributing to it.  I just need her help financially a while longer until I can get back on my feet again and start earning more again.  Going back to last night’s heated argument…..so it got worse from there.  She kept on putting it in my face that she’s the only one putting money in there and that I don’t….that I’m useless and that she wants me to start earning more and that people out there work 2 jobs to make ends meet…..I told her if she wants me to start working outside again to stop putting the kids into extracurricular activities…she said she can get a babysitter….I told I used to make more before I met her…..I told her my brother shouldn’t have introduced us to each other that it was a big mistake….my ex girlfriend was better than her….she doesn’t need to be married at all……it goes on and on from there.  It’s just really really stupid stuff!  I really hate this @#$%!  I hate it when we argue!  Every time we fight, she always says that she’ll remember the stuff that I say…..I say things when I’m so enraged that I don’t mean if I was calm and collected.  Anybody out there say stuff that they don’t really mean?  I  apologized after I calmed down but then she just curses me out and she told me this morning to get out.  I ignored her. 


We just get vindictive and spiteful towards each other that we end up hurting each other emotionally.  Is anyone out there just like me?  I would definitely like to know. 



Last weeks fight was about paying for my visa card which she pays off from our joint account in the amount of $300.  She asked if I can start paying for it and I said can you please help me out and still pay for it because I can’t afford it with the money I’m making.  Then she asked how much do I make monthly.  I told her and then she raises her voice in a sarcastic way, which I truly hate so much, and said so you can pay for it on your own then.  I said I can’t because I sometimes pay for gas and groceries.  She then said she will pay for the gas and groceries so I will have enough money to pay my credit card.  Then she goes off and says she pays for the mortgage, utility bill, cell phone bill, etc….bills, bills, bills……….I raised my voice because I was so scared of my financial situation that I’m not sure if I could pay of that card on my own.  I agreed with her after figuring out my expenses. 



She was married before and has 2 kids from that marriage…..I love those kids very much and would do anything for them!  My wife told me in the past that her ex husband didn’t have a job and would just mooch of her and sometimes physically abuse her and he would do drugs too.  I am nothing like that!  I think she has some hang ups that she needs to get resolved.  What do you think?  She even told me that she might be bipolar.  I think she has traits that are leaning towards that.  But of course, I can’t tell my wife to tell her doctor about that.  She’ll just answer back and be all defensive and sarcastic like she always is!  I hate it when she just can’t shut up and not say anything at all and just agree with me!  She always has a come back for everything that I say!  Is it just my wife or are other women like that too?  Please enlighten me.  I think she feels that being the money maker in the family should be up to the man not the woman……in some respects yes but in our situation she has to be the breadwinner…..she makes six figures and I earn squat.  I’m trying her to help out any which way that I can.  I’m not sure now if I still love her….I wrote something down this morning while I was working that I love my family and wife.  But something inside tells me that I hate her so much!  I must still be bitter about last night. I know she is up to now.  All these thoughts were running thru my head last night and this morning while in bed…..finding a job outside the home and once I make enough to get a place of my own and move out….divorce her……who cares about the kids….they are not even mine….crazy stuff.  But I don’t think I can divorce her unless she does it first….I love those kids….and maybe I do still love her and I’m still in love with her. 



I would sure like to hear your thoughts on this.



chippy2 chippy2
19 Responses Oct 25, 2008

That doesn't sound like the type of marriage I would want anything to do with. A marriage to me you guys are a team there is no mine and hers it's ours.. But that's just me.. You seem educated so you know lotta married couples fight about finances

You described my life almost exactly. Except We've got 4 kids.
The situation with your job and beeing at home...trying your best jeez i could have wrote this post
...and yes seems like my wife is exactly like this

I know how u feel mate i wanna kill mine

Ditch the kids with the sitter and get a job! If she does not like it, tell her to quit her job and stay with the kids.

Of course your wife is angry at you. She has said many times she would like you to step up and live up to your full potential. Why would that even anger you? Don't you want to live up to your full potential for your children and your wife? You aren't listening to her and in fact, you're doing the opposite of helping the situation. Why would you tell her things like your ex is better than her? You are lucky she is still there as you've bitten the hand that feeds you. A lot of women would not put up with this. You need to wake up and step up. It's not that hard. Lots of people work jobs in which they despise their bosses. It's not a legitimate excuse to quit without lining something else up first that will pay just as much as your prior job. You're being irresponsible. Your wife is not your mother and you are not a baby. She already has children to support. Please snap out of justifying things you shouldn't be.

aslong as u kno ur doin ur best, thatz all that matters. if she cant see it then thatz her problem. u look after her kids. and as u sed it will cost a fortune otherwise. maybe she does earn more than u but YOUR probly saving more money, she needs to realise. if the tables were turned she wud be the one on ere for the same reason

You need to get of your arse and get a job that pays more.YOU should be taking care of YOUR wife it's pathetic!

i see you aren't much of a feminist then?

My two cents on this subject is this. My husband has a choice of how much he works and how much he doesn't. I am the main bread winner in this marriage. He has been told to step up or step out. Meaning, work full time hours as I do and meet me in the middle. Until he does that, there is no "our' income, "our" debt, shared bank accts. I already pay for 75% of all household related bills. I want a partner in life not someone that I have to take care of. We've been married almost 10 yrs and I've had enough.

Sounds like a bad situation, but what's with the "your" and "her" income and debt? In my thinking income should be pooled and debt should be pooled, on one credit card if you use one, and one checking account. If you decide to get divorced then sort it out, but until then I don't understand that division. I am not sure that system is ever sustainable.

This isn't as difficult as you may think and your creating a quagmire for yourself. I'm certain you loved this woman and you probably still do however you need to reach down between your legs and grab hold of what makes you and her happy if used properly and realize that yes you must perform and I mean in every aspect. Otherwise your are just a mooch and believe me you are, otherwise you wouldn't be writing this stuff on-line, forget about the guilt trips, the arguments and that phony bullsh*t about tearing yourself away from the kids because if you give a sh*t you'll take action and the rest is merely tenacity, after that you'll be in shape to call the shots and she'll love you long time:-)

Ok man heres some advice from tha King,<br />
Go work off shore you will make money ,and be self supportive, and go **** hookers in exotic locations (not their butts, i gues you can if you see fit, but exotic geographical locations). You will have cash, and you will know that yout home life is not the be all end all. Plus the hookers will keep you looking foward to leaving for work again. see there brother i got ya all sorted out in just over 5 lines of typing. I hate my wife to but we are happily married!!!!!

Dude I argue with my wife too, but take it from me you never, ever say anything hurtful to your wife. Hasn't anyone ever told you women NEVER forget anything you say to them and unless you want to build up resentment between the two of you don't say another word about ex-girlfriends being better than her or you should have never married her, etc. I'm a man and I tell my wife quick when she is getting on my nerves and let her have a piece of my mind but seldom do I ever call out of her name or say derogatory remarks towards her (I go into another room and say those things under my breath:) )

ask God, we are all like you friend, our wives are all like yours, all marriages have this element of incredible ugliness. <br />
Simplify your life, money is necessary but only to eat and sleep, materialism is of no use. Don't use credit. Your wife just wants to feel like she is being taken care of instead of taking care of. tell her to quit her job(or work less) and move to a very modest living situation, poor and happy is better than rich and miserable. Do not divorce unless there has been sexual infidelity. Don't get loud don't accuse her don't say mean **** just because your pissed just walk away for however long it takes to calm down. Then try to resolve it. Do your part, don't expect anything from her, if she does not do her part its her problem you do your part so your soul can be at peace. By doing your part i mean doing your job from home taking care of the kids and trying to work things out with the wife and being respectful and kind and giving and attentive to the needs of your family not yours. Live with your decision and don't focus on what could have been or what you wish, run away from those thoughts and focus on how you are handling what is before you. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS HANDLE WHATEVER SITUATION IS BEFORE YOU WITH PATIENCE AND LOVE, if you can do that that things will start to change, just ask God, He is found EVERYWHERE but more easily in the Bible.

hey man, feel free to email me directly and we'll discuss it. This sounds like you are trying but it's getting nowhere and you can wind up in a really bad situation legally if she is really programmed you to the point where you just click on and off aggessively, don't let it get there. She sounds like she has hang ups which women can carry for a long time, especially with her past. Financially you need to get creative and step up, so it doesn't affect your self esteem and she doesn't use it as fodder against you in every argument. Don't give her fuel, start ignoring stuff and walking out of the arguments, be the sronger one of the two it's better to let it go and not think of it as swallowing pride. Trust me on this one, I have been there and learn so much after the fact, that I wish I would have practiced this advice sooner. Anyhow we can chat more if you wish, be easy and breathe, think outside of the spectrum, use psychology to diffuse the unnecessary arguments at least for the children sake. mannonx on yahoo.....

Yeah I hear where your coming from. Its always easy to try and help out others than to help out ourselves. So here is my two cents worth. <br />
It seems like a few things wrong in your situation. 1 - Being a problem with your employment by you and or your wife, 2- seperating your lives with whose money is whose. Together and married your money should be put into an account that both of you can use, 1 account husband and wife. You both eat, use heat, electricity etc etc... Who care whose money pays for the food you both have to eat, right. Unless one partner is careless with the money which puts the family in jeopardy some how than there is no reason to have more than one account. Although this does mean talking over things before making purchases outside of the family NEEDS list. There is nothing wrong and actually quite smart to make out a budget to include taxes, heat, and also the monthly bills and the left over if your lucky enough would be considered US MONEY... I can see where you feel your watching the kids after school and vacations,summer would help out and your surely right financially so but if your going to feel like a mooch or be treated like one than by all means you would be better off working even at less money. You must also take into consideration without a home you can't work at home. Insurance is a nice thing to have at any age also which is pretty expensive these days to pay on your own but still cheaper than the actual bill for services, which most people who work at home don't have. So to say the least you should take some time and think this home-work thing over and than have a talk with your wife about this subject after you have it figured in your own mind. Sometimes things aren't worth it if they make you feel like less of a person or a mooch etc.. also if she treats you like your worthless for not working outside the home, this should be considered. You know if your say buying a fridge on your credit card I wouldn't sweat to bad about how its getting paid for as long as its being paid. Now if your buying BS that no one really needs or can live without, than yeah you deserve to get the riot act. Either way many people have cc problems these days you won't be the first or the last one. But if your having it rough you may want to consider getting it payed off just in case, whatever you do don't max it out, get thrown out, you will have to pay the remainder. One of the leading problems in marriages is money. So far I just talked about this stuff because of what you said led me to believe your problems stem from money and work, which isn't unusual. What would be unusual would be if you had to much of either. I wouldn't worry to much about who makes more money thats sort of shallow these days. Really you need to have a heart to heart with your wife and clear up some of these questions with her, we can only guess from what you told us. I know we all get mad and say awful BS and some is forgotten some not, I think we can only try to control our tempers and what we say in the heat of it. Its pretty hard when someone is crawling up your backside and just making it worse not to say things you don't mean later. I guess your lucky she isn't withholding sex from you yet. Give it time. Actually I don't think you have it that bad yet, just my opion. Communication remember this word "COMMUNICATION" it will do miracles. She has the answers you want and need. You just have to figure how to get them out of her. Don't get me wrong and I truly mean this, "communication done wrong can just start another fight". If your open and its easy to talk to her and she is the same way half the battles over. I was once told to be careful using the word "YOU" and the reason being is because everytime your mind hears it becomes onguard since its usually used to blame, attack someone or some other negative way. Although my writing is full of them. I sure hope you can turn this all around, just be open and don't allow it to escalliate into a fight because thats not what you want. I feel like you still have a good chance at this point in your marriage to recover and have a happy family. Best of luck

I am married and know that arguments can get pretty intense at times. I understand how you feel about saying things you don't mean when your angry, but the truth is that people do say exactly what they mean when they're angry, because it was on their mind and agreed with the thought so strongly that they are compelled to reveal their true thoughts and feelings. The thing is that when we are calm we are less likely to tell others what we truely feel so openly or bluntly to avoid hurting someone. On the other hand, when we get angry enough and the gloves come of we speak with intent to do emotional or psychological harm as a way of defending ourselves or offending the other person for selfish reasons, and without reguard for the other person internal well-being.<br />
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Now as far as resolving the issues surrounding your financial woes, I would have to say that though you do not feel that making more than your wife is not a problem for you, if your wife thinks that getting a babysitter is a good idea then it sounds like she is offering you a way back to the outside working world and back to making enough money to contribute fairly on the financial end of things, including the joint account, your credit, and any additional matters requiring financial attention.<br />
Sure you may not be like her mooching ex-husband but it sounds like she still sees you and her ex-huband in the same light despite the fact that you bring in 15k from home and manage the house and the kids, unlike the ex-husband.<br />
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The reason I believe this is because, from your account of what she has told you about her ex-, he spent his time at home, did not financially contribute reasonably or at all, and used money that she worked for. That in itself can create baggage. His abusive behavior just nailed the coffin shut. How this has anything to do with how she responds to you is that you went from working outside the home to spending more and more time working from the comforts of home while she works in a stressful office. That is how it was with her ex- though he did not work, she only sees that your at home and she's not.<br />
You went from making 30k to making almost nothing compare to what you were making outside the home.<br />
That in her eyes made the difference when it came to visibles signs of making a decent financial contribution to the family. The fact that you do not make enough right now to contribute a fair amount in the joint account, and that you don't and she does makes her see you as not putting anythining in the family's financial future. I like the fact that you care about how she feels about this matter and that you wish that you could give more than you can on such a limited income, however the moments when you need to use a little more money than you have in your personal account to make use of, even though you may have no other option then to draw from the joint account funded by your wifes income, and even if your willing to pay it all back, she may still see you as displaying action that to your wife can be seen as mooching even though it is not.<br />
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To solve this dilema, in my opinion, it would be a good idea for you and your to wife to hire a babysitter to enable you to return to the outside working world to give you the chance to increase your income. Attempting to make more money just to have enough to move into a place of your own without first seeing if the relationship might improve for you and your wife, would not be the best course of action. Get a babysitter, start working outside the home, contribute more than you were able to once you start making more money, and give yourself time to see if things improve for you and your wife. If all else fails, do what you and your wife both agree think is best for the marriage and the kids.<br />
Good Luck.

I landed on this page because i was googling the same situation. My girlfriend of 3 years whom I live with and has a 9 year old keeps picking on me. I feel like everything she says to be could be said and done with love and calm, there is none of that is this home.<br />
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We have been struggling with mutual verbal and physical abuse, money problems. At the moment I feel like I have to move out as soon as I get my first paycheck as I have also been working from home, and let me tell you; it takes a while to make any decent amount of cash unless you have great management skills. <br />
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Something else I have learned is, no matter what your situation is: never ever depend on someone other than yourself with money, this is because we are simple expected to win bread.<br />
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I hope your situation gets resolved, if it doesn't work out within the next few months It might be time to split. I keep denying myself the fact that the situation between my girlfriend and I wont get any better because I love her. Don't make the same mistake, you only live once.

Sir....get a real job....it will help you feel worthwhile and it will help your wife respect you.

I think the root of evil here is financial situation. It is one of top reason of married problem.