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My Husband Hates Me

My husband hates me. He never wants to spend anytime alone with me so consequently we never have sex. I am going to seperate from him but do not want to have the same relationship next time. Anyway, what is the top 5 worst things that a woman can do to make her husband go into this state of hate. I really want us both to have a happy sexlife and fun in my next relationship.

I need advice, and just to say that I never criticise him personally. I do not smoke. I am not lazy and I look after the kids and do all the housework and work. I do not watch TV all day or gamble. I keep my weight to the same when we met. I look nice everyday. I do not talk all the time to my friends, I do creative and active things with the kids, walking, sports etc and only see my mum once a year. I don't get drunk but I do drink if we go to a wedding or party or the pub. I am not with him for money but for love and sex. He still hates me. 

BeMySelf BeMySelf 46-50, F 95 Responses Oct 29, 2008

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Hope u don't mind this but this is what I personally think.... Do something drastic, different and get that spark back. I've just split from the woman I believed to be my soul mate but obviously that wasn't the case but we got into a ground hog day type of thing and it was just the same everyday. Do something to make him think, God I'm lucky... Surprise him with the wildest thing u can think off and get the cobwebs off... Enjoy x

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I've been with my husband for 15 years. We were high school sweethearts I felt like I knew him better than he knows himself. And after the birth of my children who are now 4 and 2, he is different. He no longer speaks to me, we don't communicate at all. We can sit in silence for hours. When I do try to start a conversation it's normally ends in an argument so I no longer bother. He has been unemployed for over a year. Fired for "sexually harassing" a female co worker he swears to me that was never the case and I believed him. However I received an amazing opportunity to work in a different state and accepted the offer, he was all on board. The same company offered to hire him, and now 3 weeks before I am to arrive, they pulled out of his offer. He's angry, depressed, wants me to not accept the offer and refuses to move. I'm so confused. I hate this feeling. Part me feels like we have grown apart, I'm mature, I work, take care of the kids, do EVERYTHING! He does nothing, everything is a chore, the kids annoy him. He is very depressed and cuts himself. I'm afraid if I leave him he will hurt himself. Don't know what to do!!

I am married for 15 years and receive emotional abuse almost everyday. First I did not know what to do, later I fought thinking what he did was wrong. Now I chose to be silent and not to give any notice of him.
I am married for 15 years but he never told me "I love you" It was an arranged marriage and some days I asked him, "do you love me?", then he replied "yes" that was all.
I have to do what ever he chose to do. For instance if he want to go to a function I have to go with him, regardless my choice. When he need me to be with him in public, leading up days, he speaks to me really nice to me and I really feel good about him and myself. When we are not around with any one he chose to be silent or speak to his friends on the phone.
If I tell things happen at work and the situation not good for myself, he is happy and laugh about it, or if I tell him I received any rewards for my work he never ask further questions and some instances pretend as he did not hear me.
I left shift work for a day job. That means no nights away from home for me. My kids were really happy but my husband seemed to be unimpressed about it. He told me that "I have to spent all nights with you now". I felt so humiliated and lonely. The reason he likes me doing shift work was not to be with me every night or spent more time without me. I felt terrible and I cant find a reason to justify his comment.
People say I am a pretty and commend me for my looks. But he mentioned few times in a jokingly way that he cant sleep with me if the lights are on.

Emotional affairs make guys act this way. He is connecting emotionally with a co-worker. They laugh together etc. maybe more...

I am a guy.

What should you do?

Ignore him at him at home. Do your own thing. Take care of your duties. Don't be a jerk. He'll either move on and leave you or come around. If he chooses to leave he will blame it on you no matter what. Just don't annoy him. Let him figure out what to do.

I never cheated. After being a d*ck for a while I finally understood and came back around. My cutsie co-workers were bamboozling me for my married-man-attention. Now I don't give them a second look really. My wife deserves my attention. Even friendly banter with female coworkers is cut short and swift now.

A Muslim friend explained to me that he's not supposed to mingle, shake hands, or even look women in the eyes really while talking to them. I laughed at first, but I totally get it now! Our wires are totally feeble minded. Good luck, ladies.

It is not you it is him!depending on how old he is it could be a middle life crisis! These are happening to men in their thirty now. This happened to me and my husband a,he left me a year ago after six painful years of hurt. He was a man that did not communicate well , very well educated but his people skills where lacking, to say the least.
What I am saying is don't think it is you, it sounds to me as if he has all the problems. When men are lost , whether it is in themselves or a career that is lacking they act this way.
It's time u started living for you are important and so are your children.
)love is 50/50 any other way and it is not going to work, sounds as though you are giving 99%!
Start going out, see your mum much more, do things with other mums and their children.
You are worth it, u are lovable and u are a kind caring person, let's face it you are a mum and I am sure put everyone before yourself.

I think after 24 years my marriage has run it's course. I'm done with his crazy antics and the cheating and the non communication and the no sex and the....something is wrong with you it's not me type of attitudes. Think <br />
it's time to be done with him ...however....our life here is comfortable and our grown children live with us...we have a dog and we get along relatively well considering. I'm just tired. Started having affairs after he stated he didn't want sex anymore with me and wouldn't explain why that was 14 yrs ago so I have been sexually happy. After that blow it took me two years to decide that I needed sex and to let go of the fact that he wasn't going to give it to me. Now I'm in love with two men who are also married we all understand each other and we love each other. So now my husband is like a boil that won't go away. He won't commit to an open marriage so I have to sneak around and I know he's been sleeping around since before he dumped what now?

Im sorry but I lost all sympathy for you as soon as you stated you were seeing married MEN. Have you no conscience? What a horrible thing to do. I guess you just ignore these mens wives and the hurt and devastation you help contribute to. If these TWO men say it's ok with their wives, THEY ARE LYING! Married men who cheat lie lie lie! I have been on both sides of the fence cheating with a married man contributing to the demise of his family because I let him convince me he was a victim in his marriage. I fell in love deeply in love and married him only to have him crush me beyond repair. I got what I deserved. Fast forward...we are still together after 11 years and I am no longer the same person I once was. I was happy upbeat, fun to be around now I am a sad nearly homebound shell of a woman with huge blue bruises around my neck from an attempt to hang myself. Please stop what you are doing try being a decent human being and date SINGLE men. Or if its sex and affection you seek there are plenty of websites for that. Please think of someone else not just yourself.

No you do not deserve to be treated lime you are lesz of a person! Please try to pick yourself up and move on! I was with my ex for 118 years (18 but it felt longer) he ignored me and playex mind F@#% with me for the entire marriage. He was hateful towards me. Lied to everyone about me and made me feel like i had no purpose in life. It would have made his day if i would have ended my life. He tried to make me feel like i was crazy. And of course everyone agreex with him because of all of his huge lies about me. You have value! You are important! So sad that you feel like you deserve this type of treatment. I dont care what you did in the past, that is over now. Its time to get you back and let him punish someone else. You are better than that

Sorry Corriereshan I don't need your sympathy. I do agree with you that dating married men is wrong....but I refuse to shed another lonely tear for a man that doesn't want me sexually and I refuse to date men who are single and might need more from me than I am prepared to give. Personally I don't think any of this is fair ...I would rather have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband but he doesn't want that nor does he want to move on. Dating single men while I am married is not fair to them nor to the single women who deserve a chance....I think that if a man is married and he chooses to cheat for whatever reason they are fair game, I can't be responsible for their me...they have to figure it out for themselves. I have to say...I understand the pain you have been through....I think we have chosen to deal with it differently but I remember how much I could feel my heart breaking when I realized he was cheating that he didn't want me...physically I felt my heart breaking. Other women are not the issue so much as the one in the relationship that decided to stray and not brave up and talk to their spouse.

My husband left me because he did not love me anymore. 26 years of marriage and no fighting. He has traveled to china a lot the last few eyes with work and I think he like the freedom away from our marriage. Now he plans on living over there and coming back for our sons graduation. I have to pack and move by myself and find a job. I feel so alone. He just has to work and relax all night and not deal with anyone. I have tried to get him to talk but he won't even try. I'm hoping time will heal and he would come back to me. I'm just giving it to God and trying to get on with my life alone.

I was in your shoes in 2009. My husband of 18 years filed for divorce and i was down and out with my 17 year old daughter and my 3 year old in tow.. needless to say it was by far the best thing he could have ever done for me! I moved in with my Mom. Within 4 months I met her neighbor, who was in the middle of a divorce himself. We have been together since and we are truly happy! I couldnt imagine being with my ex husband now. I would still be crying myself to sleep at night and living a miserable life where I felt like I was unloved and unappreciated. Things do happen for a reason.

I'm in the same boat- except that I have many flaws that I am working on! Maybe if I am PERFECT then he will be interested in me? Top 5 from my experience?

1-DENYING SEX- I made a rule way to late in my marriage that I could only deny him 1 out of 10 times- It was too late- 4 years to late, so the last 2 yearsBEI I am the one being denied!

2-Nagging/Nit-picking- I did this early on in our marriage and I learned it was a big mistake!

3-CHEATING- I've never cheated but I'm sure this needs to be on here!



But really, there is only so much you can do! Like the woman below said her husband is a negative thinker- mine too! Can't ever change that!

I didn't know that so much should have been taken into account before I got married-
How well you get along, understanding each other, ways things are communicated, appreciation,Inlaws are very important, appearance, finances- who pays what, similar interests are important! But where I really ****** up is that I just expected him to love me for me- No, he wants me to be just like him! There is no appreciation for who I am- why I am the way I am!

Avoid Narcissists! I looked it up the other day and my husband fits the textbook description. He takes care of us- but only because it benefits him! He does nothing unless it benefits him, for anybody!

He is loud and talks over everybody, they can't even get there say in! He brags about his nice things to people! He dismisses their ideas and what they have!
He is racist and narrow-minded. He can only see his self!

Good luck- you deserve so much better!! You'll find somebody that fits you just right!

My husband doesnt live with me and if i ask to get together buy a house and have family he goes beserk. if I cry or tell that i miss him he gets angry too he doesnt understand my needs and i dont understand he is like that. He threatens to divorce me. I have always loved him and still do. I am schocked to see these stories from other sisters felt the need to join in and maybe that way find some sort of comfort.. may God ease our problems and may He give our husbands the right heart Amen

Look up the 180 method relationship advice. It work's fantastic magic for many but you must stick to its plan

Well... according to my personal experience, my husband always thinks negative!!! this is his nature and cannot be changed.. Secondly, they are jealous that why their wives are better than them.Thirdly, they will try their best to prove this by having max number of affairs and know their gf opinion about them. They will show how miserable their relationship is, and their wives are horrible to make themselves look better!Not only this, in order for them to survive this relationship, they always put their wives down to their level or even lower so that they are superior or better (men's nature)Throughout my entire 14 yrs of marriage, I've shown him that nothing bothers me! He was bugging me so that I leave him but I never did. He does this so He looks good and everyone blames me. All his hard work was a waste hehehe.. until He was exposed and he openly said our relationship is over! He is trying his best to get out of this house and live by himself so he won't have any responsibility (kids, home, bills etc)He has set up a biz in another country so he can flee and have no laws enforced on him.. smart eh! but he forgot one thing.. GOD IS GREAT! He is everywhere and so are laws :)

cutiepiez...I believe you live in my house or I live in yours. Every single line and every single sentence explains my current life.
Even the part with him going out of the country. It give a sense of understanding and to realize that I am not alone...but as you said: GOD is GREAT...and as a child of God...His payment won\'t be long.

So...through reading all of these I've decided that us woman need to set these standards early in relationships. We overlook men's tempers and other problems until we can't take it anymore and by then it's too late. I personally want affection (any affection) and my husband says he never showed me affection and said that he won't kiss my a**, but all couples show affection at first and I just hoped that some of that would carry over, but by not requiring it for so long, now he won't give me anything.

I see this is an old query from you personally, but I'll reply, for posterity. I'm male and divorced from a woman who I'm pretty sure never told anyone I "hated" her, but I did come to find her dependence and negativity intolerable and unwelcome. When she refused to go to marriage counseling, I checked out. I think she sees herself as a victim all the same. My mother (herself a onetime social worker and family therapist) thinks that it actually suits my ex-wife to feel like a victim. (My ex and I remain connected because we have a child, a son of whom I have primary custody.) I won't pretend to know about your situation or anyone else's, but I do think these questions have to be asked: are you primarily positive or negative, indulgent or critical, receptive or "touchy," accommodating or crabby? If you are positive, indulgent, receptive, and accommodating, then the problem probably lies mostly on the other side.

My husband doesn't want to have kids with me, picks things from past and tiffs start, he keeps saying to leave him leave him, in every fight! I have done everything as a "wife" is suppose cleaning looking good all the time, caring for his parents and family, managing house well.Yet he picks up things he doesn't like about me. I constantly tell him in marriage acceptance should be from both the partners. Not just from the wife always, yet I can't seem to understand why he doesn't like me. We have been married for 5 years now. He doesn't like to provide financial support too, so I rely on my parents a lot for that. Just gotta be strong and believe in god. And remember to sustain your self Respect, no matter what he says or does. Need to think of ways to do that.

my husband too does exactly the same he doesnt want children with me because of problems from the past. and I try to explain and everything he just gets extremly negativ

Sounds like......wait for it..........HES A DOOSH!!!!!!

He is mad because he hates himself, not you. Your just the only excuse he has left to blame for why HE is so pathetic.
Been her hunny! The trick is....LEAVE. like the drop of a hat. men dont change .....which means.....start with a good one. See how he treats his friends and family that is the first show of how he will treat you when you arent "NEW" anymore.

That\'s exactly what happened, when I caught my husband cheating, he said I want to leave you coz he is unfit for me, he is like a rotten apple in the basket who has to be removed. I reassured him that I accept him with all his flaws, he need not worry about past!
But the prob is that he finds ways to torture me.. If I contacted him via msgs he won\'t reply.. He ignores me, He won\'t touch me, He says make a habit of sleeping alone. I have 3 kids with him and He does everything possible to hurt me :(
I am a student and the only thing I requested was to give me time to complete my education coz I am not able to care for kids if he left!

I found the answer here, the way you write it is exactly my husband, I left him already without anything but only my clothes. I left the property to him. I rent a place to leave now.
Thank you very much for what you wrote, I felt I did right thing.

do u need him for anything at all? men like to be useful. they like a bit of trouble, they like to be annoyed - not too much - just enough... you sound like the robot i want.

i have 3 guys who can't get enough of me, one just said i was fun and that turned me into a knock out for him - because then he found out i was smart... and trouble and ...
other guy just said i was smart because i had whole chains of logic figured out - i was the smartest person he knew and opened his world
third guy said and you put that altogether in a woman who loves guys, drinks with the guys, telling them all what to do... i tell them they are wrong. i tell them to go to hell, i tell them i love them... it keeps them on their toes

don't be me, be yourself - have fun, be smart, be sexy, do crazy stuff... be by yourself - because i enjoy being by myself first of all. i love me.

Yes, I love me too... Coz i look sexier everyday, I have achieved what I have desired (career), there is nothing that made me cry.. EXCEPT I showed him I need him sleep next to me, Why don\'t you reply my msgs.. and guess what? He tries his best not to do these things hahahaha!!
He tries to get on my nerves though but I told him straight on his face that I will not let you ruin or crush your own 3 children\'s future!!!!

You sound wonderful and he seems are outshining him and it's a darn shame. You are too good for him and he can't handle it. It's sad because most women are better than the men they marry. They just are. Men are competitors and seems like he has "sore grapes" because he thought he was going to be the star in your marriage and YOU are. Which proves he's a fool. EVERYONE knows the QUEEN is most important in the game of life. She can make all the moves and you will never win without her. Next time, don't just go for love and sex Queen, go for everything!

maybe you stopped being fun... being a great mom doesn't make you a great wife

Strange.....I got a lot of feelings and ideas from what you read....but hatred most certainly wasn't one of them :)

hi dear life is like a game..... all goes perfectly well before wedding all turns wrong so never try to change yourself for others and do what make you happy and if your kids love your husband so think about them about thier futur before taking any decision

Why would you change your life around to please a man who doesnt care how your feeling and how dare he hate you !!! You deserve so much better then that pig please women learn to love yourself and stand up for what you want in life don't let your life pass you by like this x

I'm going through hell at the moment. I just looked up my husband hates me on google. He is being so horrible it's scary. I want to leave him so much. He has so much hatred towards me and I don't know why. We have 3 beautiful children, he's not even talking to them. From remarks I have read in this forum, I believe that I can do better. I'm a good person, but to be honest he can go to hell. I've tried so hard to help him, but he keeps treating me like I'm some sort of mould. I'm not a cryer, but lately I've been crying alot.

Sometimes it\'s better to be away for sometime.. most of the time it works, they realize and return.. but sometimes it is opposite, they go for good.. do you think it is better for your kids?
my daughter who is 11 yrs, said that We (3 kids) won\'t let dad go anywhere :( and then my middle child pushed his Vice Principals hand away from him coz he reminds him of his dad.. who is never their with them in any meeting or school events :(
the youngest child started locking himself up in a room and slamming things on floor.. he wrote a letter to his father on Father\'s day: Dad you r the best father in the world but I don\'t like it when you hurt my mom, the only thing I want from you is that you don\'t hurt her feelings again and play throw ball and soccer with me every weekend!
Hons what i am trying to say is that sometimes it is better for parents to sacrifice their needs coz we are clueless that how terrible our kids feel without any of us!
imagine how much they love their parents and if anyone of us leaves them, how devastated they gonna be and aren\'t mature enough to handle their fragile emotions :(
pls consider your kids first and then yourselves!!!
Their future is in our hands..

my husband is a huge ***! He has been spoiled by his family his whole life and now treats me like he treats his grandma. I'm finding myself hating him. I'm a Christian and I believe that divorce will make me an adulterer. I don't know though how much more I can take. He says the most horrible things to me and just this morning threw a cup of coffee at me. I don't have any advice since I'm still in a similar situation but I want you to know you're not alone. Rely on God. He's the only thing getting me through this.

I totally understand what you are saying about God. But you know sometimes people are out of Gods hands. You believe in yourself first.

People are NEVER out of God's hands. He made the universe, moon, stars, sun, everyone on Earth and you think He can't handle one marriage?

Don't let the devil feed you lies. It's terribly hard, but even if your spouse isn't living right or talking to God, doesn't mean He can't lead you to something better. Don't give up on God and His plan for you.

Yes, however sometimes people try to hold together what god himself is trying to pull apart. My advice to all of you girls is to ask yourself how Christian was my husband before marriage. Like us women are taught to be kind honest and capable in the eyes of god. Men need to be to. A kind honest capable Christian man will never treat his wife the way you girls speak of here. I used that measure with my husband and have had 50 of the most wonderful years of my life. May god bless you.

Wow I loved mu husband with all of my heart, put him through grad school, stayed up late during that time so he wouldn't notice the time. Dealt with his highs and lows of depression; followed him all over the state of AZ with two children-he promised this summer that things would be better when we returned to OR-he moved us into a small town and started having an online affair with a 17 yr old girl while i was working my butt off. he told me he didn't love me anymore and soon abandoned me and the two kids in a tweeker town we just moved into with no financial support as he pulled out all of his money from our bank account. i left my job at the county and am living with my parents and children-god i'm being treated like im a stupid 17 yr old all over again. he recently told me that he wanted to come home but it was because his now 18yr old gf dumped him. i'm so hurt....i can't deal with the pain of watching the love of my life fall in love with a stupid child!!! and yeah i should just walk away but it's only been 3 months--yes i know lean on your kids, look to your family, get counseling---well screw that---i'm a bloody therapist and am on welfare because i can't mentally work after this-i feel like a weak person-want to die but i wont for a lot of reasons....this just hurts so ******* much i cant deal---oh god the pain is so bad!!!!

Please stay strong. What you have been through is so awful. But you have to understand that you are a person in yourself. Yes, I know you love him, but you have to think about what hurt and pain he has put you through, do you honestly think that's all your worth Hun. I know it's so hard but please start thinking about yourself, and what you are worth.


A few weeks ago I told my husband that I needed some more attention from him and he tried for a few days and i was happy again. I told him again and he has completely withdrawn and won't even kiss me hi or bye. I feel like i made things worse but I would want to know if he was feeling lonely so I could fix it. We have two children under 6 and have been together since high school about 9 years! I try I really do! All i wanted was to cuddle more often. I feel betrayed for how he is acting. I am only 24 and have given him everything. I have to stay with him for at least another year until I finish school. I wonder if anyone can give me advice. Thanks

From the way you talk and I see why he hates you. I.blablabla....I.blablabla...I.blablabla...Next time if you say he....he....he... then you may have a good relationship.

OMG, i can't believe there are so many of us with the same story. I thought I was the only one. I must say, I'm a bit baffled by some of the responses. Everything from "leaving" to "take a beating for the sake of the kids"....Really??

Anyway, besides these online confessionals, I wonder if there is some sort support group out there. I too have similar stories, but after reading some posts here I feel more that its him and not me. It's his mental problems, not me. Maybe his mom and dad didn't show him affection so he seeks it from other women. I don't know. I've dealt too much with the lieing and the cheating. I beg him to leave me but he won't. I don't understand why, if he act like he hates me so much.

We sleep in seperate rooms. Basically live seperate lives. He doesn't help me financially or with the kids. Yet he won't go. His face lights up when he talks to his friends or his on the phone. But the second he is alone with me, he looks so miserable. He can have endless conversations with his friends, but wont even say 2 words to me. Yet he won't go. If he's so miserable, why won't he go? I don't understand.

He wont go, because men need a trash bin "their wives" they can kick, vomit on them, spit, and so on, all their frustration, and we "are there" to give them that chance, where they release all his frustration they most probably lived with his parents lives.

I am also noticing a pattern of military men who are cheaters and mistreat women. It could be the lack of fathers in their lives so they turn to the military seeking the companionship of men they did not have growing up. Plus, if they grew up with single mothers, the mother is probably a source of resentment over many things and so the anger is then directed at you when you become his wife. Because the anger and cheating and mistreatment is not a once in a while thing, I am starting to think it is deeply engrained from childhood which is the reason it will not change.

I feel good, reading your responses, as I am going through the same thing. I've tried everything- counseling, dressing up, weight loss- you name it. My husbands problem- his past. He reaches out to women from his past, and continues this cycle of talking to them, meeting them and whatever else. I've read the letter and the emails, where he tells them he loves them, words he never says to me, and when he has too, he's so uncomfortable, you can see it on his face. I'm so tired of living like this.I've talked to him about this, he knows how I feel, but his blatant disregard for me says so much. I am a good wife. I'm still attractive and I do just about everything I should. He wrote to this woman that "marriage sucks because this one person knows everything about you, and could use it against you." I was so disappointed. This is a grown man. That's what marriage is about. We have four children. I've totally given up on us having any kind of marriage. I've thrown myself into activities. Right now, we eat dinner together with the kids, the rest of the day is spent living separately- work, home and whatever else we can do to avoid one another. I'm done contacting the "other" women- telling them that the time and attention he spends and gives them is taking away from his children. They don't care. He doesn't either. On friday, he came home. Barely said two words. Our youngest two children were so excited, and he basically ignored them. He loves our son, but he treats our daughters differently, maybe it's because they're just like their mom. I'm all cried out. I'm enrolling in graduate school, so that I can start working again and be able to fully take care of myself, should I need too. I would be so happy if he manned up and filed for divorce. That would make me feel so much better. He left me a long time ago.

sounds like your husband is like mine. his mother, my mother in law, treats him like her little boy and so he cries to women to get sympathy and attention. I firmly believe that is why they cry to women. he did it to me when we first go together. I heard all his sob stories and bought into it. little did I know that he what he does with all these women. he tries to get sympathy from women, who are naturally caring and nurturing, to get attention and for women to feel sorry for him. he runs to his exes as well I think because he has this huge ego he can't get over the fact that these women did not want him anymore. or if he dumped them for me, every time we have a fight is his reason to RUN back and seek sympathy from these poor pathetic women that he dumped the first time. It is sick and at the source of all of this is a weak, spineless man.