My Wife Hates Herself..
Actually my wife loathes herself. I did not realize it when we were dating, but after marraige the truth slowly manifested itself piece by piece. The thing about being married to a person that hates themselves, is that they hate you too. They pretty much hate everyone who is even remotely nice to them...after all, you must be a scumbag if you like or love them right? They are unloveable. what kind of jackass loves the unloveable. The whole Socratic thought process just amazes me, and frustrates me.
I am well educated, published in peer-approved journals, used to athletic, and was, about seven years ago, a pretty happy person. When I married her, she had two kids from a previous marraige. Her first husband is essentially a little boy, never grew up, never got a job - let alone a career. A very nice guy, just not motivated to do anything more than live in his mother's basement. In our society, he would be known as the quintessential LOSER! , which all things considered, would probably be at least a little fair. Anyway, as time has gone on, I have come to realize that my wife likes to surround herself with "LOSERS". I guess when you hate yourself filling up your world with people worse off than you makes you somehow feel good about yourself. Her mother does this too. In fact it is her mother's disapproval of her daughter (due to her mother's own personality disorders), that makes her daughter hate herself. Her father committed suicide (gee I wonder why?), and her two brothers are eached messed up in their own oh-so-special way. One reminds me Eor, the pathetic donkey from Winnie-the-poo. The other is a pompas-*** who fills up his life with material goods. A work-aholic who values himself by the price tag of his car, and the size of his trophy wife's jigglies. From his stories, I am not even sure if half of the stuff he does to "earn" money is legal. Ah yes, I certianly married into a family that puts the FUN in dysfunctional.
Anyway, shortly after we were married I learned that my wife's mission in life was to win her mother's long-sought approval. The rules to this game were really quite simple. We must be entirely servile and attend her mother's every whim, or even what my wife suspected was her whim, every single day. Every weekend must be spent with mom, every holiday must be spent with mom, every birthday, every day off..I think we even spent every Holy Day of Obligation with her mom. Well, maybe not, but it sure did feel that way.
On top of it all, my wife had two small children from her first marraige. She quickly informed me that she wanted to quit work to stay home and take care of the kids. What did I care? I made good money. Sure, if it makes you happy, stay home. So, she stays home. Now the first battles occured when I come home, and after working ten hours, find that the house is a mess, there is no dinner, and her and the kids went out with "mom". I fought pretty hard on that, and eventually kind of sort of won, but I don't think she ever really saw my point of view, that a man who is working ten hours a day to support two kids he did not father should at least expect to come home to hot meal. In her eyes, I was selfish son-of-a-*****.
The years grind by, we move further away, and that helps a lot with her mother; but my wife's self loathing and constant effort to "prove" herself to her mother has destroyed me. Inch by inch, piece-by-piece, she turned a 240 lb linebacker into a sniveling little closet poop. I have been emasculated. She took control of the checkbook, spent outrageously on crap she wanted, and watched and yelled about every penny I spent. It got to the point that I never even picked up the checkbook. Even if I did, it would have done me not good. You see, it is easy to keep someone financially off-balance if you never record the checks. If I can't know the balance, I can't write a check very well.
I raised her two kids, I did the stuff she would not do. I taught the kids to read, sat there every night listening to them stumble through the words. It was tedious, and sometimes I was tired, but when I asked for her to proxy for me, all I go was "but you are so much better at those things," so I did it. We had our own baby too. I would come home from work, sit my boy on my lap as I ate, then I gave him a bath, fed him his cereal, and rocked him to sleep. Is she lazy? Oh my God is she lazy. She used to sleep with the baby in our bed (which being as big a man as I am scared me to death in fear of rolling on him) so she would not have to get up to breast feed him. The only time she really cleaned the house is when someone was coming over...other than that we lived like pigs. I hate it, but after a while, what's the point? She wont't clean, she won't make the kids clean, and I get tired of doing it. So it just does not get done.
Ah how the manipulaiton continued. "Could I sell my boat so our daughter could go to an expensive school on the other side of town? If I did, it would make her happy." Yes dear, I will sell the boat. "Could I please not come home with my friends? The house is a mess (no kidding) and she would be embarrassed by having someone see it like it is," Yes dear, I will call and cancel. "Could I please postpone my fishing trip? The kids have a baseball game," Yes dear, I will. And on, and on, and on..............................
Sex? It is pretty hard to want to have sex with someone that manipulates you. I am a walking paycheck, babysitter, and instant father, and I damned well know it. Why would I want to have sex with her. Still, I get pressured and pestered to have sex. Oh who am I kidding? She laid there like a cold fish. I was servicing HER! I quit having sex with her about eight months ago. I just can't do it.
In the end, I have lost myself. In fact, I HATE myself. I have become a shell of the man I was, and I LET her do it to me. I would run, but I don't have the guts or the heart. If I lost those kids (yes, all of them are like my own), it would devastate me, and quite honestly, it would probably devastate them. No, not that they could not exist without me. I am the mediator between their mother and me. Without me, they would have the I-feel-guilty-mom who will let them do anything; and then they would have the I-can't-take-it-anymore mom who explodes, tosses the f-bomb around them, and makes them feel like crap about themselves. As screwed up as it is, no court would give me custody. My wife is quite charming when she choses to be. She would play that judge like a fiddle. Brutally honest but oh-so-passive me would get the shaft, and I would lose the kids.
The funny thing is I don't care about the money. She could have everything. I just want out with my kids and some scrap of dignity. I am such a putz. I really hate myself.