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My Wife Hates Herself..

Actually my wife loathes herself.  I did not realize it when we were dating, but after marraige the truth slowly manifested itself piece by piece.  The thing about being married to a person that hates themselves, is that they hate you too.  They pretty much hate everyone who is even remotely nice to them...after all, you must be a scumbag if you like or love them right?  They are unloveable.  what kind of jackass loves the unloveable.  The whole Socratic thought process just amazes me, and frustrates me.

I am well educated, published in peer-approved journals, used to athletic, and was, about seven years ago, a pretty happy person.  When I married her, she had two kids from a previous marraige.  Her first husband is essentially a little boy, never grew up, never got a job - let alone a career.  A very nice guy, just not motivated to do anything more than live in his mother's basement.  In our society, he would be known as the quintessential LOSER! , which all things considered, would probably be at least a little fair.  Anyway, as time has gone on, I have come to realize that my wife likes to surround  herself with "LOSERS".  I guess when you hate yourself filling up your world with people worse off than you makes you somehow feel good about yourself.  Her mother does this too.  In fact it is her mother's disapproval of her daughter (due to her mother's own personality disorders), that makes her daughter hate herself.  Her father committed suicide (gee I wonder why?), and her two brothers are eached messed up in their own oh-so-special way.  One reminds me Eor, the pathetic donkey from Winnie-the-poo.  The other is a pompas-*** who fills up his life with material goods. A work-aholic who values himself by the price tag of his car, and the size of his trophy wife's jigglies.  From his stories, I am not even sure if half of the stuff he does to "earn" money is legal.  Ah yes, I certianly married into a family that puts the FUN in dysfunctional.

Anyway, shortly after we were married I learned that my wife's mission in life was to win her mother's long-sought approval.  The rules to this game were really quite simple.  We must be entirely servile and attend her mother's every whim, or even what my wife suspected was her whim, every single day.  Every weekend must be spent with mom, every holiday must be spent with mom, every birthday, every day off..I think we even spent every Holy Day of Obligation with her mom.  Well, maybe not, but it sure did feel that way. 

On top of it all, my wife had two small children from her first marraige.  She quickly informed me that she wanted to quit work to stay home and take care of the kids.  What did I care?  I made good money.  Sure, if it makes you happy, stay home.  So, she stays home.  Now the first battles occured when I come home, and after working ten hours, find that the house is a mess, there is no dinner, and her and the kids went out with "mom".  I fought pretty hard on that, and eventually kind of sort of won, but I don't think she ever really saw my point of view, that a man who is working ten hours a day to support two kids he did not father should at least expect to come home to hot meal.  In her eyes, I was selfish son-of-a-*****. 

The years grind by, we move further away, and that helps a lot with her mother; but my wife's self loathing and constant effort to "prove" herself to her mother has destroyed me.  Inch by inch, piece-by-piece, she turned a 240 lb linebacker into a sniveling little closet poop.  I have been emasculated.  She took control of the checkbook, spent outrageously on crap she wanted, and watched and yelled about every penny I spent.  It got to the point that I never even picked up the checkbook.  Even if I did, it would have done me not good. You see, it is easy to keep someone financially off-balance if you never record the checks.  If I can't know the balance, I can't write a check very well.

I raised her two kids, I did the stuff she would not do.  I taught the kids to read, sat there every night listening to them stumble through the words.  It was tedious, and sometimes I was tired, but when I asked for her to proxy for me, all I go was "but you are so much better at those things," so I did it.  We had our own baby too.  I would come home from work, sit my boy on my lap as I ate, then I gave him  a bath, fed him his cereal, and rocked him to sleep.  Is she lazy? Oh my God is she lazy.  She used to sleep with the baby in our bed (which being as big a man as I am scared me to death in fear of rolling on him) so she would not have to get up to breast feed him.  The only time she really cleaned the house is when someone was coming over...other than that we lived like pigs.  I hate it, but after a while, what's the point?  She wont't clean, she won't make the kids clean, and I get tired of doing it.  So it just does not get done.

Ah how the manipulaiton continued.  "Could I sell my boat so our daughter could go to an expensive school on the other side of town?  If I did, it would make her happy."  Yes dear,  I will sell the boat.  "Could I please not come home with my friends?  The house is a mess (no kidding) and she would be embarrassed by having someone see it like it is," Yes dear, I will call and cancel.  "Could I please postpone my fishing trip?  The kids have a baseball game," Yes dear, I will.  And on, and on, and on..............................

Sex?  It is pretty hard to want to have sex with someone that manipulates you. I am a walking paycheck, babysitter, and instant father, and I damned well know it.  Why would I want to have sex with her.  Still, I get pressured and pestered to have sex.  Oh who am I kidding?  She laid there like a cold fish.  I was servicing HER!  I quit having sex with her about eight months ago.  I just can't do it.

In the end, I have lost myself.  In fact, I HATE myself.  I have become a shell of the man I was, and I LET her do it to me.  I would run, but I don't have the guts or the heart.  If I lost those kids (yes, all of them are like my own), it would devastate me, and quite honestly, it would probably devastate them.  No, not that they could not exist without me.  I am the mediator between their mother and me.  Without me, they would have the I-feel-guilty-mom who will let them do anything; and then they would have the I-can't-take-it-anymore mom who explodes, tosses the f-bomb around them, and makes them feel like crap about themselves.  As screwed up as it is, no court would give me custody.  My wife is quite charming when she choses to be.  She would play that judge like a fiddle.  Brutally honest but oh-so-passive me would get the shaft, and I would lose the kids.

The funny thing is I don't care about the money.  She could have everything.  I just want out with my kids and some scrap of dignity.  I am such a putz.  I really hate myself. 

 

 

AlaskaMagnum AlaskaMagnum 31-35, M 22 Responses Jul 28, 2007

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You should strangle the worthless *****

get out,quick,before its too late!!

get a divorce and stop wasting your life doing something that you are not happy with !

Your wife hetes herself? and you hate her? and you hate her for hating herself? its all at her? take your heart out from the center of your chest and the thoughts as well as hateful feelings ,,,but first locate mirror.....then love your wife not hate....and in that youll find that you love yourself and her deeply...never believe thoughts that are hateful theres a 100 percent chance there not your thoughts but some unseen force that has a great hatred for both of you ...plz recieve this love its for both of you never believe hate is true its always a lie ,,,trust in that im Don and im believing right now your family is happy and whole

I'm just curious... you wrote this in 2007. How are you now? Are you and your wife still together? Has the situation changed? I was reading this story again, and reading the comments and agreeing with them and then suddenly realized the comment I was reading was my own post. But it didn't sound like me at all. It's like I don't know the "me" from 5 years ago. But I still agree with it, life is way too short to hate yourself. You probably are waiting until the right time, but is there ever a right time.... what price do we pay while waiting... I find that I am always waiting, counting the years until....always waiting. strange...

You've got to love the court and how when the farther is good honest man they wont give them the children. Honestly this is sad. Your forced to suffer with your horrible wife and all you want are just your kids, but the courts are this bad that they wont even let you have them. I hope you can find peace in your life mate. God bless and good luck.

Although you may feel as if you are alone, you certainly are not. So many people find themselves in similar marital situations. One person is caring, giving, fair, honest and earning the money. The other person is self-centered, wasteful, controlling, demanding, manipulative, not earning money and continually demeaning the other person. What is important is for the kind and giving person, which you seem to be, to get help. You could certainly benefit from a strong does of counseling.<br />
<br />
The current brain research reveals that our brains have plasticity, that is, the synapses and connections in our brain can grow and we can make new connections. The longer you remain in a hostile, demeaning situation, the more grooves are getting created in your brain. It becomes impossible to think clearly and make a decisive move.<br />
<br />
Counseling can help in many ways. First, it gives you a chance to express all those bottled up emotions and feelings that your wife has been so unfair and so unappreciative of all you do. Second, it will help you to gain some internal strength and tools to handle your situation more constructively. Third, it can help you to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. Perhaps you will choose to remain until the children are a certain age, but it is really important for your own physical and psychological health, to begin to visualize what you truly want and start to go for it.

Although you may feel as if you are alone, you certainly are not. So many people find themselves in similar marital situations. One person is caring, giving, fair, honest and earning the money. The other person is self-centered, wasteful, controlling, demanding, manipulative, not earning money and continually demeaning the other person. What is important is for the kind and giving person, which you seem to be, to get help. You could certainly benefit from a strong does of counseling.<br />
<br />
The current brain research reveals that our brains have plasticity, that is, the synapses and connections in our brain can grow and we can make new connections. The longer you remain in a hostile, demeaning situation, the more grooves are getting created in your brain. It becomes impossible to think clearly and make a decisive move.<br />
<br />
Counseling can help in many ways. First, it gives you a chance to express all those bottled up emotions and feelings that your wife has been so unfair and so unappreciative of all you do. Second, it will help you to gain some internal strength and tools to handle your situation more constructively. Third, it can help you to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. Perhaps you will choose to remain until the children are a certain age, but it is really important for your own physical and psychological health, to begin to visualize what you truly want and start to go for it.

Same situation here. My wife's grandmother always puts down my mohther-in-law. Telling her show bad she looks, that she is a loser etc. My mohter in law hates it, but does the same thing to my wife. I can easily see her doing to the same to my daugter when she grows up. Some time she compares my daughter to other her cousins and says " I wish she was pretty like them" It hurts me because my daugther is only 3 yrs old and is the prettiest angel. <br />
O yes, she was home for several years while I worked. Everyday that I would return from work, home woould be a war-zone. She wouold be screaming at kids for no reason, beating them and ofcourse the kids would be crying. If I enquired "what happened" Response ' - "DOnt even ask!!! You think staying home and taking care of kids is easy??? They are driving me nuts. I need a break" So I come back from work and I take care of the kids while she watchs TV (She is hooked to reality shows) So I pushed her to get a job. Surprise surpsie she gets selected in the first interview and she is happy to get out of home. Two months later, she is cimplaining abt her co-workers and wants to quit the job. She wants to stay home. I told her to make her mind and that it is never going to be easy, whether she stays home and works. Ppl dont make a living just like that. At work you have to put up with ppl that you dont agree with - everyone does. Bottomline - she cannot be happy in any situatioon

You need to sit down and have a "heart-to-heart" talk with her, and tell her that you will leave her if things don't get better. I'm sorry for being so blunt but things are bad, and she cant love you if she cant love herself.

and yet men keep falling for this same type of woman over and over and over. Stop going for looks and constant (pre-marriage, of course) ego stroking. Seek out a woman who has her own CAREER (not a JOB that she will quit as soon as she gets a HINT of a positive pregnancy test) and a woman who NEVER plans to be a housewive. Woman who have their own identities outside of their relationships with other people are not going to be insane like this.

and yet men keep falling for this same type of woman over and over and over. Stop going for looks and constant (pre-marriage, of course) ego stroking. Seek out a woman who has her own CAREER (not a JOB that she will quit as soon as she gets a HINT of a positive pregnancy test) and a woman who NEVER plans to be a housewive. Woman who have their own identities outside of their relationships with other people are not going to be insane like this.

I hear you..i grew up in that sort of family-insane bipolar mom who could never be pleased, the only thing that save me was at 18 I ran off to college and moved as far away as I could and limited all contact to a couple phone calls a year-you wife will never get better unless she figures out in her own head that she needs to cut off contact and that all the crap she heard as a child is crap....much harder to do than it sounds...Sorry-my brother and sister and I all have some issues from how we grew up but we survived by getting as far away as we could

I may have a story that will give you some hope.

Good lord, I thought I was the only person in a situation like that.

she really needs to go to some therapy or counseling, i think its so sad that shes living like that and its even sadder, that shes bringing down people with her like you. that family does not seem healthy at all. : [ if i were you i wouldnt have put up w/ that well for so long. you should stand up for yourself. tell her your honest opinions bout how things arent really working for you. i dunno, wish u luck n the best - a_gw1001

All i can say is im so sorry for how it turned out for you. You must either let go or stand up for yourself. We can just sit here and give advice....but its you who has to take the steps. Do it for the person u used to be...and the people u want your children to become. Its high time.

So you want out, you say you don't care about the money, and she doesn't let you spend it anyways.... but you are scared of losing the kids and getting the shaft.<br />
Want to stay?<br />
You can either try a new approach.....<br />
1. stop doing everything she asks and expect fair play.<br />
2. stop expecting.<br />
3. do something for yourself... you deserve and need a hobby. sounds like you don't like yourself enough to give yourself anything.... having children, doesn't mean that you "do without everything, so they can have what they don't need" you earn it, you deserve a piece of the pie too, find a happy medium, they will respect you for it... who wants a dad that has "nothing?"... my fondest memories of my dad are of his fishing, hunting, and other escapades and hobbies and ventures... I didn't have everything, but I had a roof, and food, and clothes, and went to school... and I certainly wouldn't want my memories of my dad to be ones of him being miserable and without any joy in his life. Too bad your wife hates herself, sounds like you don't like yourself either... both of you need to start liking yourself so that the children won't grow up with self-hatred. Ask yourself if this is the example you want them to follow? Your children are an important part of your life, and as long as you let them know you love them, treat them with kindness and understanding and patience, and you are there for them... what more can they ask for.<br />
Fact: They will grow up and leave you and your wife.<br />
4. get counseling<br />
5. Maybe she should go to work, and you should stay home with the kids and the house?<br />
<br />
Want to leave? <br />
I guess what you've got to figure out is:<br />
1. Would you really lose the kids?<br />
2. Would they still love you if you left?<br />
3. Do you want the responsibility of the kids?<br />
4. Does your wife want out?<br />
5. Is the money/things more important than you are saying? Because, you're right, odds are it will cost you big.<br />
Courts are a lot better these days at giving "shared custody", if you can live close enough to each other so they can go to school, maybe you can do this. Also, not all moms are cut out to be moms, not all moms really want to be moms, but their own guilty feelings over what society dictates as acceptable forces them into it. Some moms will jump at a chance to give the kiddos over to dad..... who knows, maybe she's one of those moms, but since she hates herself so much, I doubt it.

I'm with you on that one vtgman. It sounds like an awful situation but would your kids not understand how you feel. Surely they can see the way their mother is. You should get out whilst you are still young. Dont let her beat you. Your kids will still love you no matter what because you are their dad and nothing can ever change that.

In time you will get out and have the knowledge that you did your best for the kids.

No offence but ur wife is ***** who dosnt deserve you or your kids or the life she has taken!

holy crap dude