My Poor Poor Mother-in-law, Can You Lend Her Some Money?

After 10 years of marriage, I feel confident that I hate my wife.  

Her mood is completely dictated by the moods of her mother.  Now before you think this is another average mother-in-law horror story, let me give it some background.  My wife and I dated long distance for over a year before we got married.  Part of getting married at her church was going to pre-marriage counseling at her church by her life long pastor.  After going over the usual speech, the pastor told my wife point-blank, "You're going to have to let go of taking care of your mother.  She has a lot of issues and will poison your marriage."  I was floored, I didn't really know my mom-in-law at that point but if your church pastor hands out a warning then you know it's trouble.

We got married and my wife moved out-of-state with me and within a month her mom was calling her crying every day asking her to move back.   After a few months of that the story changed that her mom needed money to leave her current husband (no relation to my wife).  It was worse then a bookie trying to get money back, the woman was relentless.  Calling several times a day in tears about how awful it was and how she needed money to get away.  Fortunately, I was the only person working at the time and barely made $12 an hour with a house payment, so there was no money to be spared.   A few weeks later my wife suckers a friend of hers into loaning the money, $3k.  My mom-in-law never attempted to leave her husband and not a penny of it was paid back.   Now repeat this process (call, cry, ask for money, say how miserable you are) about every 3 months for the past 10 years.  Oh, did I mention her mom hasn't worked a day in the past 12 years?  Perfect health physically, she just lives off her husbands disability check.  They enjoy eating at Outback

We finally went to counseling a few years back.  The counseling was going well, he was pointing out things that both me and my wife needed to work on...until....he told my wife it was best she didn't get so involved in her mom's life.  At that point he was the most incompetent person my wife ever met and she speaks of him as the devil to this date.  She won't go back to any counselor.

There came a point when I realized, I don't hate my mom-in-law anymore, she is what she is.  What I do hate is the fact that my wife freely welcomes the drama in to our house (often she says "Why won't anybody help my mom?  The world is against her").  When mom-in-law calls again my wife acts like it's the first time she's ever asked for help.  Day after day all my wife knows to talk about is how bad her mom has it.   There's never a discussion on news or politics or even stuff going on in the neighborhood. In all our years of marriage my wife has not made one friend or even made the effort to meet someone.

Thanks, I really needed to vent.  I had today off and after hearing her call her mom for the 3rd time today I was going crazy.

perrin2007 perrin2007
2 Responses Feb 16, 2009

Ah, kids who haven't ever cut the apron strings... (Meaning, your wife.) I truly feel for you. Ask yourself if you want this for the rest of your life. You are already aware of the situation and are not in denial because of it. That's step one. <br />
<br />
Good luck.

Don't know if you have kids yet but ... she's got to cut the cord!<br />
Trust me, I've been there done that. <br />
The situation will get much, much worse.<br />
If it is a viable option ... you have to draw the line and prepare to end the marriage NOW.<br />
If she loves ... no, if she respects you enough to be your wife, then she will choose to be with you. End of story.<br />
If not, she's already broken the marriage covenant, and she's not worth it.<br />
Sounds harsh, but the boundaries you draw now will persist throughout eternity.<br />
<br />
I was going to end it right here, but then, I thought, if you took my advice, you'd probably end up divorcing your wife.<br />
You see, my wife is like yours. Her mood is absolutely tied with the mood of her (dysfunctional) parents/mother. I know now, that she really is NOT capable of cutting the cord because of many, many years of what amounts to be, psychological abuse from her parents/family ... so given the ultimatum "my way or the highway", regardless of what her answer is, she wouldn't be able to cut the cord.<br />
Back to step one.<br />
... don't have kids.