It's Not Her At All...it's All Me

Where to start? Nothing is good here. I spend my life living for her and the kids. Where do you need to go? What do you need to do? Okay...I'll schedule my life a little later....right after you do your thing. What's that? I gave up my career so you wouldn't have to give up yours. Back when I really thought you cared. I told you that before. Ah..I see...so it's just a "woe is me" thing and not reality. Sure...if you say so. The kids are really involved in a lot of things. I feel like I need to be in four or five places at once and since I can't achieve that I begin to feel like something of a failure as a father. I know that's a bit unrealistic......soccer coach called today. Practice will conflict with 3 other things and is 30 miles outta town. Sure...you're right. I shouldn't let it upset us. Because it surely won't be us that tries to handle this new curveball. While I'm trying to make those soccer practices and the volleyball for the older girl you'll be "having to stay at work." My boss wants to know why I can't "stay at work" like you do. What's that? I'm just feeling sorry for myself? Ah....sure..that makes good sense. Thanks for not helping me again with anything...I know, I know..you had to stay at work. Kids are growing and need certain things...it's our responsibility......I know, I know...you gotta work. Pressure? No pressure? Let's see...you won't help cause you gotta stay at work (which is weird cause I work too) but you won't recognize the pressure my life has become. Certainly just simply validating a person's feelings with a hug or a smile is a bit much to ask. I realize that......I step out of your way, and I step out of their way, putting myself at the end of the line every time because I feel like it's the appropriate thing to do. Yet that's tough a lot of the time and I'm human too...but you've taught me really well. I must walk your line because if I so much as begin to express my feelings you will tell me how much worse you have it. Validation? There is none of that here. My problems and concerns are not real...in your mind. I am a child, immature and ridiculous...yet you sure look to me quickly when it's time to handle the next children situation. What's that? You scheduled our daughter a haircut for this coming Friday and didn't tell me? But you're not going to take her, right? Cause...you guessed it...you gotta work. But what about me? I work too. Perhaps I had something that I needed to do. Were you going to tell me you scheduled me to take our daughter to a haircut? Ah..I see...you forgot....again. No matter....because it's clear....in your eyes I don't matter. Servant. Not husband. Communication with servants is not necessary. Feelings? I don't have any according to you. But certainly your feelings are paramount. My life is rough? Well, we all know yours is rougher. Riding in the car and you decide it's too cold. Do you ask if everyone else is comfortable or if we mind if you turn off the AC? Of course not..you just do it. Just turn it off. No matter...because you are all that matters. Credit cards..how many do you have? Do you really need that many? Can we perhaps try to get out of credit debt so that the kids can go to college....NO!....sorry I said anything...please don't scream at me anymore...I'm sorry I wanted some fiscal responsibility....how ridiculous of me. Would it make you feel better if you had an American Express card too? Perhaps you wouldn't loath me so much then. Sex....there is none. Attraction? You don't feel it...towards me at least. You sure seem to light up when the kids' principal comes around though. No, of course you weren't flirting with him...it's not insulting enough to watch you beg a man with your eyes to **** you so you have to insult my intelligence too by insisting that it's all in my mind. All while we watch our daughter receive honor roll awards. It's supposed to be a happy memory but you've tainted it with your coy glances at Kelly. Sure...and what about the sales rep that comes around your place of work? He sure looks a lot like the principal. Seems like you like "big and tall" guys...which they both are...and I am not. Empty, meaningless...living for the day my kids can cope on their own. If I disappeared tomorrow the only emotion you would feel is anger cause then you would have to deal with something beyond your little work world. Maybe reality would take time away from a sales call with Bill. No..of course you weren't flirting. You were just trying to squeeze by so that you could continue with your busy day. But wait...you didn't squeeze by at all. You heard his voice and entered the room he was in with a great big sweet "HI!" making sure he saw you and acknowledged you..then you came back into the room I was in. You didn't squeeze by anything. Sorry I pointed out the facts there. Yes, yes...I know...it's all in my mind. Of course, now it's all in Bill's mind too. After that little show I'm sure he knows what you want. Cause you just looked at him like you haven't looked at me in 15 years. And when you used to look at me like that it always led to.......I wonder how many sales calls are scheduled when I'm not around? Beat down, hopeless and insufficient. I know...I know. I am a ridiculous child without an ounce of maturity that is imagining this entire terrible reality. Thanks for clearing that up. You must really care. I'm so glad that I am imagining this entire terrible reality...........................

I hate my wife so very, very much.

michas michas
41-45, M
8 Responses Aug 12, 2007

You're not alone.

And yet here I am years later with still no end in sight. This really is all my fault. I'm weak and scared of the unknown that is just beyond leaving you. The kids are older now and one has moved out on her own. The other is just a short way away from that herself. Do I leave then? I don't know. I don't love you anymore and am now not sure I ever did. I am greatly depressed that the man who was our kids' principal while they were in grade school is now their assistant principal now that they are in high school. Why is this happening to me? You've stopped looking at him when you think I'm watching but I'm not dumb. I know how to watch without letting you know I am. I see the truth you show when you think you don't have to hide. Why do you think I'm so stupid? Do you realize how you've torn my life apart? Do you realize that you've caused me to end up a hopeless heap of depression? I was a man who could multitask and take on any challenge. I was the "go to guy." I used to be called the "life of the party." Recently I was called that again when I got a little tipsy at a family gathering and just couldn't stop dancing to all the wonderful music that was playing. Several people commented on how fun I was. That used to be the regular thing. Now I hardly ever feel like that man anymore. I found it quite interesting to note that you weren't at this family gathering. Perhaps there is a connection. I know I am weak. I know I need to leave. I love my kids and I am lost. I don't know what to do or how to act. I am afraid of you. Not physically but emotionally. I can't explore my world or do the things I like to do without feeling this fear. I like to hike, bike, photograph, and explore the natural world. You don't. You want to stay home and read. But do you really read when you stay home? Or does your peer from work come over like he did when we lived down south? Or perhaps the principal who lives so close by? I am lost. My heart has been given to a person who does not realize the gift and has only trampled on it. What was once a brand new shining ray of hope is now only tattered and discarded wrapping paper. My life is like the aftermath of Christmas morning. Torn paper that once was designed to be seen and appreciated. Torn paper that has served its purpose and will now only be thrown away. I am lost.

"I must walk your line because if I so much as begin to express my feelings you will tell me how much worse you have it. "<br />
<br />
I hear you, brother!! It is never worth it to tell the wife how awful she makes your life because you can dam*ed well be sure she'll tell you how much worse you make hers. Every time. Guaranteed.

Pretty creative way to put me in "your world" which is unfortunately alot like "my world" as well.

Hey you can still be a father and not be her husband you know? YOu owe it to yourself to be happy. If you found out that you were dying tomorrow would you feel that you actually lived a fulfilling life? Nobody should have to live with someone who takes them for granted. I know that I have a lot of nerve but honestly, I just dont believe in knowing the problem, knowing that it's fixable and still choosing to stay miserable. GET OUT!!! You still have time to have a woman look at you the way she looks at the principal. You deserve it. You are not a second class citizen stop settling.

In response to "shellebelle414"s comment... I have tried to write out my feelings, print them, and hand my wife the paper. I waited until she put her kids to bed, and things had calmed down. She read it over quickly, stated that she was sorry I felt that way, but claimed the she felt everything was going all right, so there was no need for her to behave differently. When I tried to explain my feelings, she told me that was the way I perceived it, and not what is was like at all. Every argument I brought up, she suggested that I talk to a therapist or try medication. There will always be people that will say that they won't change their behavior to try to make your marriage work. Maybe it's time to change yours!

"Every argument I brought up, she suggested that I talk to a therapist or try medication."

Exactly! I get that exact response. I need to talk to someone. I need to be on medication. I need this and I need that.

No. What I need is an honest, faithful wife who appreciates me. What I need is to get rid of the fear that my kids will hate me if I leave you. What I need is to get rid of the fear of the unknown that will be if I leave you. What I need is to leave you. What I need is the strength to leave you.

I do not need therapy or medication.

that was very well written, i'm sorry that you're hurting. <br />
have you tried to talk about this with her? it seems like you're saying thats almost impossible, but prehaps if you print out what youwrote and let her see what you're really feeling she'll be able to open up to you. she may not 100% realize what she's doing, and if she does, then maybe you two need to sit down and decide whats best for your family, for your happiness. At least if you do end up telling her everything you wont have to regret never saying what you feel to her. if she reads it, she cant interupt you, its right in front of her - in black and white. the truth and she cant ignore it forever, she cant hide at work and wish it all away. if this is the life you have both made for yourselves, eachother, then she needs to accept that and play the hand she has been dealt, no matter the situation. <br />
best of luck, you and your family will be in my prayers

I'm with you man!!! If I showed this to my wife, she would probably think I wrote it!! I hate her so much too!!! Why in hell don't they point this website to us when in high school?? why didn't my father warn me: "don't ever get married"? when somebody did warn me, why didn't I listen?? I am stuck with a princess who wants a perfect prince... I don't get where she got all her crap about being special and DESERVING a perfect guy if her father used to beat her up, not work and in general be a useless ******* (of course now she compares me with everybody including him). Sorry, I had to get it off my chest too!!