I Am Soooo Frustrated With My Life

I am married for 13 years, and I do not remember a time when I could get along with my wife. Let me explain more. My personality and hers is on two opposite sides. I a very organized person,  she is not. I pay attention to all the details, she does not. I am a hot temper kind of guy, she is not. As a matter of fact she is too lean-back kind of person. I love being active and healthy,  she does not. She loves to go out just watch people and EAT. I do not. I am not saying who is right who is wrong. I am saying that I CAN NOT live like this. Every two weeks or so, we have a fight. I pushed her so hard, through so many ways (talk, logic, registering her into fitness club, fighting), to get her lose weight. She just avoid doing that one way or another. Due to my personality, I always analyze things happen in my life and always try to predict what will happen in future. She is on complete opposite side. As a result, most of times she ends up with mess that I need to clean. In our life I take care of everything except two things cooking and grocery shopping. I don't mind doing these two things, but it is not fair that I take all the stress in my life and she stays cool. Both of us are working full time and quite busy. We have two daughters, and most of time I have fight with her about how to take care of kids. Obviously, I am very diligent on making sure everything is in right place. She takes things easy. I trust my kids a lot more than her. Swear to God, if she tell me something I do not believe her. It happened so many times that she told me something and then it turned out be to untrue. I have been telling her what my problem is (that she is lazy, careless, fat and lazy, unorganized, ...). She just hears me and then forget 5 min later. As if I am talking to a dumb!

This story can go on and on. My ONLY problem is my daughters. I love them so much and up to this day I have just gone through this misery because of them. I am absolutely certain if I go for divorce, these two girls' life will be screwed up by her mom. I just don't know what I should do.

CastAway CastAway
41-45
4 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Hello there,<br />
My situation is same. I am not perfectionist but do expect some positive effort from my wife. Her weight and fatness has been issue for years. She forced me to marry her just because I had sex with her- of course on the pretext of wonder word 'love'. I fell for this because of my naivety- I was not even 18 when we started and she was three years older than me.<br />
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She expects love, care etc all good things without truly deserving anything. She is quite shameless to say all these without ever realizing what other person wants/expects from her. So, it means that I should do all things to keep her happy and she won’t do anything except cooking and house work.<br />
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All my life, I have worked hard/struggled and she has been passive benefitter of everything. With an average education and from being a third world country, she got job and citizenship of one of the better EU countries by just accompanying me as my partner. According to my colleagues and friends, she has used me but according to her this is her love.<br />
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We have a son and our constant argument has also affected him. I feel very sad for him. My wife’s only way for to celebrate/relax is to eat. We are quite opposite - I don’t gain weight easily, while she gains quickly. Her parents are also like her, so this is in her genes to certain degree. Surprising, she is a scientist with one of the most reputed University in the world, so one would expect her to be aware of the problem and would expect preventive and corrective actions. She has not done anything which has lead to any result- totally non- result oriented person, if you like to think in terms of business. I really don’t care for anything if it does n’t show result. When, I was scientist, one of my boss used to say, if you could get me results by running gels in water, I won’t care!<br />
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In fact, we have never been together for any of my formal events as I feel very ashamed of going out with a fat, beer bellied woman. Actually, in some instances, some people of have said that is she expecting another baby? This is several years after the birth of my lovely son.<br />
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My position- I want things to work and be happy but it seems her every action is like a immune booster for me. Her all actions has an eating component and suggests further weight gain but she never sees it and when you tell her she will ignore this. Actually, she does see it but just doesn’t care!<br />
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I get sad and mainly annoyed as I don’t have mental strength to go thru the another round of relationship effort with somebody else and would avoid for the sake of my son unless I really think, it is the time to move out of this.<br />
Thanks

Man, looks like you married my wife and we certainly have similar lives. We have a son (4 yrs) and daughter (2 yrs). I have thought of leaving her but the thought of my kids and the good relationship I have my my in-laws have been stopping me. I am at a loss... my siblings want me to leave her, my friends say the same. She's lazy, so lazy, doesn't do a thing except take her drugs, doesn't take care of the children, sleeps most part of the day... is in her "bad" moods when she's awake, checks my phone for any "unknown" numbers when she's awake,... she's put on sooo much weight and wont do anything about it. Need I say more?<br />
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I work as a CEO in an NGO and have a healthy social life. I record music in my studio, I paint, I customize motorbikes, participate in seminars and workshops as a resource person, while my wife has no interest in life besides popping pills and consuming cough syrup often. I have tried to get her involved but I guess I've been talking to a doormat. I still love her, I guess more come from pity. She's horribly dependent!!! And I dont flirt.<br />
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Should I carry on with my miserable married life... I dont know man. I am lost, but maybe only time will tell. Good luck with your life buddy and wish me the same.

You two need to split, and now.<br />
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You, then can make a separate, organized, happy, orderly home. When the girls are with you, they will see how it is when things are as they should be. When with her, they will feel the chaos, neglect, and disharmony. In time they will appreciate you more, and choose to live with you.<br />
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But keeping them in an environment where you are angry all of the time makes YOU look like the *******, and her the saint. Then guess who's habits they are going to emulate. Like that picture?<br />
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Set your anger aside, it clouds judgment and causes tactical mistakes. You an not afford that. Try to split as friends, who just are no longer compatible. That is the best way to be a good father to your kids. Get out, so you can lose the anger, and set a good example. And NEVER talk poorly of her to your kids. <br />
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The best thing you can do for them is to act respectful of their mother, even if you no longer like or love her. Set the good example! You will show them the proper way to be adults and win your kid's respect in the end, and that is all that really matters.<br />
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Good luck.

... I'm in an identical situation. What a pain its been ... especially for the kids (I'm sure for her too).<br />
From a practical point of view, it really doesn't make sense to continue the pain and the on going collateral damage. I think we sometimes deceive ourselves into thinking things will be worse for our kids if we were to end things. But I know the situation will NOT stay the same over time - things will definately get worse (or better).<br />
If though, you're one of the few who truly believes in "for better or for worse", well then, you've made your bed ... you'll have to lie in it and pray to god that things will change for the better.<br />
(I've absolved myself to this latter path ...)<br />
I've really truly given up on my wife and i'm just trying to get rid of the HATE i have for her - I'm realizing that this is very toxic for me. I've made a personal committment to myself that this is the path I've chosen (not necessarily the most logical), that I will be the best father possible, and conciously choose not to hate my spouse, but as far as its up to me, "love" her (hah, I'm shaking my head as I write) .... <br />
well that's what I'm saying to myself.<br />
I've been through some pretty sh#tty times in my life, and I'm not going to let a little daily chinese water torture cause me to put my tail between my legs and run out on my girls.